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I don’t necessarily want to speak for others but I think the concern expressed about S stretching things out, for the most part, was more a concerned that she would leave all her stuff at your place as storage and whatever other various pets and children she could get away with dropping in your lap. I don’t get the impression that too many are under the impression S herself would try to stay on though, I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if she tried cozying up to you to get money or more storage time out of you.

While I applaud your efforts to work with her S18 and help him find his way, you are still covering for his mother and enabling her. You say you told him it wasn’t him (which is good because he doesn’t need that over his head and it wasn’t him so that is true), but you went on to say that it wasn’t even necessarily S but YOUR inability to live with that environment. I have said it before, Andrew....STOP THAT! First and foremost, reassuring him that he isn’t to blame is fine but you didn’t need to offer him any reason beyond ensuring that it wasn’t his fault. But you lied to him, Andrew. It is not just your inability to live with it. It is also S’s inability to be a good partner and meet someone halfway. I don’t necessarily think he needed to hear that, though I suspect he knows, but he also doesn’t need to hear that his mother is blameless IF you feel compelled to tell him anything. Yeah, he is technically an adult at 18, but my daughters are grown women and I don’t tell them the nitty gritty details of my love life.

You can continue to beat yourself up, self blame, try to look all gallant by saying it was all on you, but deep down you HAVE to know that it most certainly was NOT all on you. If you honestly think it was, then that is something you need to address with your IC. Relationships end. People don’t “gee haw” as my dad would say. People get hurt when that happens but it is rarely all on 1 person and most certainly in this case it took 2. If anyone is more to blame in all this, I think most of us would point the finger in S’s direction.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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And by the way, before someone jumps in and tells me how wrong I am, when I said the hurt and blame is rarely on 1 person, I fully realize there are times when that is absolutely the case. I didn’t say it was never only on 1 and there are certainly a number of examples on these boards where 1 spouse was blind-sided by cheating and a WAS. My overall point is that in his situation, he was NOT the only 1 to blame and S certainly deserves to bear part of that burden (and likely even the larger part of it).


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
While I applaud your efforts to work with her S18 and help him find his way, you are still covering for his mother and enabling her. You say you told him it wasn’t him (which is good because he doesn’t need that over his head and it wasn’t him so that is true), but you went on to say that it wasn’t even necessarily S but YOUR inability to live with that environment. I have said it before, Andrew....STOP THAT!
Thanks for the kick Dawn.

I personally don't feel that I'm being a martyr or self-flagellating here. There's no good trying to demonize his mother - he knows better than I do what she is like. It's not an "oh puir me - wailly wailly wailly" going on here. It's a basic statement that I was unable to live with his mother. And it was my decision to end the relationship. I accept this and further details are not relevant to anyone other than me. Not even S in fact. Perhaps out there there is indeed a person who can deal with a hoarder who doesn't follow through. Who uses lies to smooth her way through the world and expects others to back her up on them. Who allows others to feed at the same trough she is at but tightly controls the one who is filling it. That's not me. No sense telling him, or anyone else any of that. I know that that sort of a relationship was not acceptable to me. But there's no sense colouring the rest of the world's opinion of S just to make me look good or to show that I'm a victim.

Her former partner seems to be willing to live with her although he has his own anger and other issues and was from S and the kids' point of view hard to live with too - so perhaps it's just not a good match. Just like if I was in a relationship with a jet-setting celebrity - "just a guy - standing in front of a gal - wondering where his clean laundry is ....." laugh

((Dawn))


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I wasn’t suggesting you should demonize his mother. In fact, I was suggesting the exact opposite and just leave any discussion of her out. If you HAD to say something to him, just assure that it is not his fault and then move on. I don’t really see why it was necessary to say anything to him about it. He’s a kid and kids shouldn’t be involved in adult relationships. He doesn’t need to know the mechanics. He just needs to know he can still rely on you and nothing that happened was his fault.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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i get it. you're trying to sweep your side of the street clean and own your part. commendable. however, i think future discussions might be better if mention of the demise of your and S's relationship was left out. You could easily say, hey 18, you're a great kid. sometimes relationships just don't work out, but i want you to know it's not you at all. i think you're a great kid and i see how you're growing and becoming more independent. i'm proud of the effort you're making.

i'm sure he'd appreciate that.

re: S's vanishing act. Yeah, right outside of your hula hoop so not your business. Glad things are becoming more clear to you as there is more distance and detachment.

I'm wondering when your IC starts?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I'm wondering when your IC starts?
Dec 8th. S has her's on Dec 2nd. I offered to pay for 3 sessions.


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She was going before she met you, why are you paying for 3 of her sessions? And why is she allowing that?

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Or maybe she isn’t allowing it? But why did you offer it?

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I applaud your desire to help her S18 learn a few life skills. I’d say a good short list would be:
How to do his laundry (and perhaps how to fold them and organize a dresser drawer. )
How to cook a week’s worth of cheap healthy meals. (Recipes included)
How to keep a budget (I was gonna say “and balance a checkbook” lol - shows how old I am!!!!)
How to do basic cleaning like scrub a toilet, clean a stove, mop a floor - and a recommended cleaning schedule

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
She was going before she met you, why are you paying for 3 of her sessions? And why is she allowing that?
You'd have to ask her crazy Like quite a few things, her history in counseling was perhaps presented as more than the actuality.

I offered it as the logical extension of the couples counseling. I put a cap on it and it was her choice to take me up on it. Personally I think that both of us will benefit from professional help and without me offering to pay she wouldn't have access to this.

It's a relatively small price to pay to help someone who I cared about move on. Certainly less than paying for her usual consumption of take-out food laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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