Yeah the bank won’t care. It would of course be ideal if S paid off the loan once she got her inheritance but the likelihood that a shopaholic with the attitude that credit cards are for paying minimum payments will likely not do that on her own. I think Andrew understands that he may well end up on the hook for this loan at some point. A good cautionary tale to all the other rescuers out there. The best hope is to make sure it’s being automatically withdrawn from an account only in her name. She could still default but automatic payments help.
I hope and pray that she's trustworthy enough to pay the loan off. Is it a large loan or small one? Was this loan to pay off her husband for something or did she need to funds for something else. The reason that I am asking is maybe if you continue to remind her that this loan needs to be paid off since you two have split and that you do not want to left on the hook for it....she just might do the right thing and pay it off. If I recall, didn't she squirrel away some money recently? If so, I would think that she could at least take a little bit of that money and pay down on the loan. Are her credit cards maxed out? If not, she could also use them to pay off the loan that has your name associated to it.
Heck, she could have a yard sale and make some money...but we all know she's not letting anything go. There are a lot of ways that she could earn some money to pay this loan off...but she has more excuses than Carter's got liver pills.
I do agree w/kml that automatic payments would help immensely and not the standard "S, it's time to pay on that loan". Is there anyone that can replace you as the co-signer or that loan? I don't know if the bank will allow that, but it's something that you may, at some point, ask about. At some point S is going to need to change her address and notify the bank of that address change, but that may not happen for quite some time.
We all would have advised you not to jump in feet first when co-signing loans w/others. I do understand that you thought this was the woman that you would marry and live out the rest of your life with. As kml pointed out, this is a good example of what people should seriously think about not doing until a marriage takes place. I'm truly sorry that this is an additional worry for you...but you will stay on it and I'm sure you will figure out what to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One last reminder...be sure to speak to the institution that has the "loan" on file. Tell them what has happened with the relationship and that you want to have your name removed from that account asap, that you are no longer going to be responsible for her loan. Even if you can't get your name removed, it will let them know that she's no longer in a relationship with you If I were S, I would pay that loan off as soon as possible.
Originally Posted by kml
A good cautionary tale to all the other rescuers out there.
I used to joke with my kids that if I can't be a good example that I can at least be a horrible warning
The loan was taken to pay off the money she owed her husband that she had been making monthly payments on but little progress on the whole amount. The intent at the time was that that would get the financial piece out of the way - one of the reasons she had given for not having the divorce done.
The amount needed wasn't huge but to get the loan they rolled in her van payments as well. The total payment is roughly what she was paying out separately and this gave her a specific timeline for getting free and clear. So to me it made a lot of sense. S is of course presently wound up about the fact that the interest rate on the consolidation loan is higher than her van loan - not looking at the fact that it has the same term and an over-all lower cash outlay.
I had a chat with the teller at my bank about this on Saturday and she checked with her manager. Technically there's nothing they can do, but they are aware and I've banked there for 30 years. They have a history of being very helpful and accommodating to life's vicissitudes and I am confident that if I did get stuck with this that they would work with me. What I would do with S's van - I don't know. It's pledged as security on the loan - the only way that they would give it to her.
S has a "very" large amount of pride in that she says that she never took advantage of any former partners financially. Even if she may be short of cash at the moment she's going to be coming in to several hundred thousand dollars when her Dad's estate settles and the house sells. Probably close to 50K out of the insurance and settling his investment portfolio alone which is well over the size of the loan.
If it were me, I'd use that to pay off the loan which then frees up liquidity and saves a whack of interest payments. But it's not me and she will make whatever choices she makes.
I actually have full confidence that S will deal with this loan. I also have a certain amount of confidence that in the short term that I may end up making a couple of payments. With the grocery budget dropping from $1,800 / month to probably $600 - that still leaves me "well" ahead.
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Still no word from S. I asked S18 if he'd heard from his mother when I drove him into work and nada. It's sooo very tough to not have the conversation with him but it's not my place and my telling him would do more harm than good because I have no answers to the questions he would certainly have.
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I had a nice brunch with my S26. He's doing fairly well. I took him a bunch of meat as I have far too much for just me and this was from the 1/4 cow I got in the summer when I thought I'd be feeing between 4 and 12 people regularly. "The girls" were happy to see me and it looks like Amy has put on a bit of the weight she'd lost. The coffee shop we have gone to twice now does a really really good job. I had scrambled eggs with hollandaise sauce over top. S26 was jealous. His chicken sandwich had big thick pieces of meat. I'm glad we've found an "our place". In some ways it reminds me of the place his mother and I went to every Sunday that was an "our place" as well.
We did talk about the will and how everything is back the way it was and how it all sorts out. It turns out that he is co-executor for his mother. I resisted asking how she was. I think it's easier on him now that I have made it clear that I am essentially "over it". I don't think he sees her too often though.
We talked about Christmas and that I was hoping to do up a duck and have him over. S and the kids already have plans to have a last Christmas at the old family home - one of the things that was tough not talking to S18 about that I won't be there. I scoped out his apartment while I was there - I have a few ideas on gifts now. Mostly decor stuff and stuff for the cats.
I'm thinking that for my daughter and her husband that I'll send them some sort of local to their new home "welcome" basket / flowers etc plus a membership to whatever cultural institution is close by. I can do all of that quickly and remotely. As far as I know they don't know where they will be living yet but Seattle is on the short list I know.
S26 seems to think that my over-all plan is considerate and reasonable. Packing things up and essentially filling the dining room with boxes until they get picked up. Or disposed of. He did confirm that when he was visiting S back in the day that her place while not super tidy wasn't too bad - as long as her daughter was in charge. It would slide badly from time to time.
I think he's looking forward to feeling more welcome to come back to the house. And I'll feel better having company. There's a concept in FlyLady - CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome which was the case with my ex and her mess and is much much worse now.
Well - off to the rest of my day. I'm working on my 2021 budget. I'm adjusting things to be able to get some needed repairs to the house taken care of. I need new railings for the balcony, new flooring for the kitchen / laundry room plus plus plus.
I'm also going to give the MBR a good clean this afternoon. It's not had one since S moved in as I couldn't find the floor nor most flat surfaces in much of it. I have a ham that is perhaps too large in the slow cooker and we'll have garlic bread and baked potatoes with butter and sour cream to go with that. S18 and I talked and the ham will be sliced for lunch meat and the rest of the left-overs will get cubed and frozen for a future stir-fry. He's getting used I think to my many aphorisms - the one here being "the most expensive food you can have is food you don't eat".
I think that he'll be resilient when he gets the news. He is far more capable I feel than his mother gives him credit for. But then again they have a pretty toxic relationship.
Off to the rest of my day - thanks all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
S26 mentioned that to his knowledge that S has always rushed into relationships so this really is no different.
I also heard from S herself. She is planning on being here late tomorrow, read my email with the separation plan last night and has - for now - nothing that she feels needs to change.
It will be good to get out of this semi-limbo and things moving along. I'll hopefully know more on Tuesday then.
Stay tuned ....
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Please listen to kml...she has given you some wise advice...actions speak louder than words.
BTW, I just about fell off the chair about S have a large amount of pride not taking advantage of former partners financially. I would love to know what she thinks she's been doing for years...I wonder what her definition is of taking financial advantage of former partners.
I'm glad you and your son are getting together and having some good chats. So glad the "girls" are doing well and were happy to see you.
Andrew, keeping busy and cleaning your home is one way to work out some of that stress. Packing up the boxes is one way to clear the way to get to your dining room table and having a nice meal w/your son. If you need to put stuff out on the porch, by all means do it. I do not think S will have any problem w/what you are packing. She may actually feel relieved to know that her stuff in the immediate living area has been packed up.
Hang in there! There is light at the end of the tunnel and a new year around the corner.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In S's defense she got no child support from the oldest two kid's Dad, is getting less child support from the younger 3's Dad than she is entitled to. And she didn't try to get any property settlement from her former partner. Although that relationship has a funny smell. There are of course longer stories that go with all of that about a system that's rigged against a single-mom - much of which is undoubtedly true.
I don't know, but suspect that the debt was incurred for her to start up one of her ventures which I went into this relationship knowing that I wasn't going to fund anything. My ex-wife had all sort of "sell at home parties" schemes she signed up for that never went anywhere so it made me skittish. Not that S ever hinted at wanting funding for any of her "entrepreneurial" ideas.
The consolidation loan was my idea to simplify her finances, get her clear of her former partner and clear off her single low limit credit card that she was paying a massive amount of interest on. At the time I was looking at this as "family finances" and a watch-word for me is "simplify". S may consider herself rail-roaded into it - when pushed like she was in counseling there's a lot of buried resentment and issues that bubbled up.
She does operate from a point of view of pride though. It's pretty important to her I feel albeit in different ways than from me. She's never "taken a hand-out". She should qualify easily for a variety of government programs but never took any - although there also may be more to that story than I know as well. I'm pretty sure she just never applied.
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Stressing through the day today. I don't expect S to be here until fairly late tonight - perhaps after I've gone to bed. While I really really don't want to have to deal with "stuff" I know that I will have to in part. Finding a place, moving, none of that is on my shoulders though. I do keep feeling stressed and rather guilty even though - yes - I know that this is necessary. Hopefully she will be in and out in a day or so and not making this a home base. I can't see that happening though as she undoubtedly won't feel very welcome.
I've never been a friend to uncertainty especially of a situation that I feel that I have no control over. I know the reality is that I have full control. This is my house. There is no legal relationship between S and I. I know this feeling well - it was the same feeling I had with my ex waiting for her to make a decision and provide clarity. It will only last a few days I hope. In the mean-time I'm a very stressed out man. I could be a jerk and just start ferrying things out to the front lawn but I want to be "fair" and decent about this. I'm not angry at her - still fairly angry at myself for not pulling the plug in the many opportunities that I had along the way. I'm not angry at me for this not being able to work though. I don't see the incompatibility between us as a shortcoming of my own. Nor really of her even if it is easy to cast stones.
I keep reminding myself of our guardian angel job sitting on my shoulder - be calm - be patient - don't make rash choices - it will all work out. And also my own knowledge of how the universe works. If you have to force it, you're not doing it right.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
