Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Definately going to have to check that out. A very good friend - the guy who introduced me to my ex-wife in fact is a huge rock-a-billy fan. He still plays - shame I can't share on here .... hmmm ... Anyhoodles, we would go to punk clubs from time to time - Lee's Palace in Toronto usually - where I discovered that as a large biker guy (usually wore my leathers) that slam-dancing was lots of fun. Always being careful to pick those skinny guys back up after I knocked them down.

We used to also hang out every Saturday at the El Mocambo where I once was using the urinal next to Long John Baldry. I didn't look over so can't really comment on his epiphet. At one time I lived around the corner from Albert's Hall and experienced some great live blues.

I usually listen to a lot of jazz and "rat pack" in the last few years but something he posted a few days ago reminded me of my fondness for Motorhead. S's S18 rarely emerges from his room but may have heard me vacuuming to Ace of Spades.

Thanks for posting this. Gave me a big smile and reminds me that there is more than one sort of poontang. And effort is far more sexy than anything else. And I have some new music to check out.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2908890 11/18/20 11:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by kml
It was after my ex and I split. My first post-split boyfriend lived 11 hours away. I had visited him once for a weekend and it went swimmingly I thought. However, even though we still chatted online every day, no invitation to return had been made yet. I was going to be driving up to play a music gig just 2 hours from his home, and I suggested to him that I could come up for the weekend after I was done. It SEEMED like he was ok with that as we continued to chat but he never actually said anything like "yes, I'd like that".

Anyway. Mojo Nixon, a well known rockabilly-punk figure from the 80's, was also playing on this bill. We were chatting in the green room and Mojo had just learned what I did for a living. This was during the bad recession when everybody was on financially unstable grounds, except for people with jobs like mine.

Anyway, I told Mojo the story that I was going up to see this guy but not entirely sure if I was going to be welcome. And Mojo's response was everything I needed to hear in that moment. He said (incredulously):
"But you have a JOB! And you're bringing the poontang to HIM. And you have a J.O.B.!!!!!!"

I laughed so hard and never doubted myself again. Dang straight! I was bringing the poontang to HIM. He should be f-ing grateful!!! (And he was).

(Btw if you want to get a better idea of how he sounded, you can see his videos on youtube like the perennial favorite Tie My Pecker to My Leg or Elvis is Everywhere).

MOJO!!! love it!!!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Definately going to have to check that out. A very good friend - the guy who introduced me to my ex-wife in fact is a huge rock-a-billy fan. He still plays - shame I can't share on here .... hmmm ... Anyhoodles, we would go to punk clubs from time to time - Lee's Palace in Toronto usually - where I discovered that as a large biker guy (usually wore my leathers) that slam-dancing was lots of fun. Always being careful to pick those skinny guys back up after I knocked them down.

We used to also hang out every Saturday at the El Mocambo where I once was using the urinal next to Long John Baldry. I didn't look over so can't really comment on his epiphet. At one time I lived around the corner from Albert's Hall and experienced some great live blues.

I usually listen to a lot of jazz and "rat pack" in the last few years but something he posted a few days ago reminded me of my fondness for Motorhead. S's S18 rarely emerges from his room but may have heard me vacuuming to Ace of Spades.

Thanks for posting this. Gave me a big smile and reminds me that there is more than one sort of poontang. And effort is far more sexy than anything else. And I have some new music to check out.

knew I liked ya for a reason Andrew ...


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
What a day!

Overall work was decent - the usual number of things went sideways. Production and customer demands, things popping out of the woodwork, writing memos etc, wondering where that rail-car from Arkansas is and when it will arrive, some hurried math. Over-all actually a fairly quiet day. The old standby "a train leaves Chicago" is trivial compared to "you have 10 tonnes of product arriving between Friday and Tuesday depending on when the rail-car shows up, 5 different sizes of containers and various customer demands. What will you fill to optimize the benefit to customers, usage of containers and amount of unloading time knowing that between now and then the number of containers and the demands from the customers are sure to change but you need to draw between 9 and 10 1/4 tonnes". I came up with 9.7 tonnes some of which was forced on me because the operations staff was being "helpful" and prepped containers that I knew were lower priority but once prepped had to be used.

I do really like what I do and I'm sure that most people would think that this would be too much for me and drive me nuts. It's perhaps the "illusion" that I have some control over what is going on that helps?

--

I decided that I should try to pick up some laundry detergent while I was "in the city". Locally it's pretty much impossible to buy a scent free / dye free detergent. The one I really liked - Arm & Hammer - seems to no longer be available so I picked another. I'm figuring that I need to stock-pile things like that to a modest degree so that when S packs up that she can take the standard supplies. I'm still trying to figure out the stove situation. In the likely event that S takes her stove I'm thinking that for the very short term that I'll pop out and pick up a hot-plate while I figure that out. I've actually wondered previously if instead of a "regulation" stove if a few burners and a really nice small wall-mount oven in a cabinet might not be a good choice for me. More flexible and cheaper. Anybody ever heard of something like that tried for people who like to cook?

I could take the 220V coming in, re-wire it into a cabinet and draw either 220 or 110 as appropriate - perhaps with roll-outs - hmmmm. Most things I cook need 2 burners and I rarely use the "big" oven. 2 smaller ovens - one for a roast and another for the pie ....

-----

I spent a good portion of the day fidgeting. I'm a planner, fixer and fusser and being in an information vacuum is hard on me. So - after work I sent S the first message in quite a while "Getting things sorted out? I've been worried about you but figured you didn't need any extra noise around you." She got back to me promptly - is figuring out things with her Dad's estate but nothing about moving. I asked about if she's told S18 about us breaking up and no - she'll do that in person. AND then it turns out that her D26 just had a miscarriage.

I was proud of myself. My first reaction was to offer to help or to ease her burden in some way - I didn't. I expressed sadness about her daughter's situation. I was also disappointed in myself - because offering to help is what you are "supposed" to do. I've taken seriously the warnings that she may try to stretch things out although I really can't imagine that she has any interest in reconciliation or even perhaps being under the same roof as me.

I really like D26 - she's a bit of a bubble-head but a good kid. I don't want to think that the stress of her mother's situation and thinking that she needs to "fix that" for her had any impact and can't let myself go down that path. D26 has been through quite a lot in her short life and is a tough little cookie and I also can't imagine that she's hugely surprised - assuming she knows - about her mother and I splitting.

Some brief messages were also in about side issues. She's got her paperwork around her Dad's estate largely figured out she said. She appreciated that I'm driving S18 to work. Feeding him, putting a roof over his head, spending some time with him didn't get mentioned. She said she's not told him anything but will when she "comes up" - not using the word home. She will also be spending some time with her daughter - everything she has said is very vague and TBH none of my business.

I expressed confidence that she'll be able to deal with everything.

I am proud of myself in that I didn't allow myself to go into "fixer" mode. There was a good amount of back-spacing as it is automatic to say "if you need anything / if I can help let me know".

One of the things that has crossed my mind although it's rather cynical, is now that she's more or less "come in to money" that working on a relationship is less important to her. And also having that relationship not exist means that there will be less demands on that money. I don't believe this to be the case and it's irrelevant but could explain how easily she's letting go.

----

I had a call with my D28 on the way home today where I spent far too much time grumbling about S and providing details on why it's not going to work out. D28 has a lot of sympathy and I'm sure horror on what has happened to her childhood home. She's under a lot of stress right now as she's moving in a couple of weeks but doesn't know where to. Seattle is seeming likely though which would be good. She has friends up in that part of the world.

She's very much my daughter in that uncertainty bothers her. It's funny - as a pre-teen she had a horribly messy room which in one very traumatic episode her Dad (waves) cleaned for her. Her mother was very upset too especially about the number of "important things" that were thrown out. She's now even more an organization / neat freak than I am. Her mother had a certain amount of terror of D28 deciding for example that she had too many purses (I think she was up to about 12) and was brutally walked through down-sizing that to 3. I think D28 was perhaps D17 at that time.

She is frustrated because as usual her brother isn't returning any of her messages about Christmas etc. We're having brunch on Sunday again and I'll nag him. I've always wondered about the relationship between my kids but their relationship in some ways mirrors my own. My siblings and I have each other's back but rarely communicate.

D28 is very supportive of dear ole Dad though despite her own stress. We also talked a bit about Christmas and she's suggesting that any gift giving be delayed until she has an address. I'm one of "those" people that really prefer for Christmas to happen on the proper day. We also talked about her and her husband managing under lock-down. I wasn't happy to hear that they are going over to a friend's house for a group dinner and have suggested that she check out the old MythBuster's episode on being a germaphobe.

She thinks that I'm being lots generous to S in the timeline for moving out and having that validation was good.

----

In other news I stopped off at the store my ex-wife used to work at to pick up a couple of cans of beer to assist me with this post and got an earful about our local COVID situation. Sadly the semi-racist things said do seem to have some basis. We have quite a number of old-order Mennonite colonies around here and they are the epi-centres of the latest spread with some groups being quite affected. I assume that the official numbers, especially among such closed societies as those is under-reported. While they don't have much to do with the "English" as we are called, it looks like we're in for a tough time of it even here in this rural area. It's counter-intuitive in my mind because those communities are usually the first to rally around to help in times of trouble. A recent wedding with 100 people in attendance is pointed to as the event for many of the infections. From what I was told the local Tim Hortons was closed for a while which for those in the US South would be like a Waffle House closing. Major natural disaster.

I do worry quite a bit about S going down to where her Dad's house is, up to the city where her D26 is (who works in a restaurant) and interacting with D19 and BF both of whom show disregard for protocols. Part of me want to ask her to stay away but a bigger part of me wants her to deal with her stuff.

No easy choices.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
your health is paramount.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Blah. Still no news nor any idea on when S might be back here. Annoying because I'm a fixer and a fidgiter. Writing out some stuff here because it helps me formulate my plans to document things.

It turns out that I'm stupider than I thought. The bank switched my chequing account and savings account to joint when I gave S what I thought was just access. Had a nice phone call with a young lady who explained the process to me. I'll need to get new accounts. I may set those up shortly. I have no expectation that S will drain the accounts and take an OM to the Caribbean like my ex-wife did and the actual financial exposure is fairly small. I also have told her that for the present that we are still operating "joint" banking. It's a phone-call and a couple of electronic forms for her to change where the payment is coming out - something we already discussed but I can understand that she's had a lot going on.

I will remind her again about those payments early next week. No sense now and by Monday she will have forgotten.

I have transaction alerts on the accounts and so can stay on top of that and pull the plug quickly if necessary. I think that I'll set up the new accounts this weekend. There's no reason why S would need access to the savings account. The chequing account is more tricky because it's not something I feel that I should do quite so unilaterally. I need to give some thought on how best I can limit my exposure. Hmmmm. A difficult balance between being prudent and being a jerk.

Because it no longer matters, I unblocked S's former partner on Facebook. He doesn't post much but clearly S's narrative that the marriage was over 7 years ago is completely and absolutely wrong. Some mutual tagging of "loving" kind of things on an infrequent but regular basis. He is as far as I can tell part of the "friends and family" circle of people around S as well.

I had seen this when doing my "due diligence" back when we were first dating but the narrative I got then was slightly different. I do think that S is one of those people for whom truth is flexible. This doesn't really change things though for me going forward, nor even a lot looking back.

He's sure to hear that S and I have split - he may already know through D19. What he does with that information is up to him although I will admit that if he encourages S to reconsider him that it would make my life easier.

He can now also see me - not that I really expect him to look - he's not much of a social media person and there are as far as I know no pictures where S and I are in them as a couple

I've now shampooed the living room rug multiple times. I can't believe how pungent it was nor how dirty. It's only a bit over a year old. I do hope that the enzyme treatment will get the smell of urine down. I do worry though that in the time that S and the dog will be spending here that it will be re-loaded. I think that planning on replacing the rug is probably the most likely outcome here. Somewhat of a testament to the fact that for the last 5 months I've not been comfortable or able to actually spend time in the living room either because of clutter or because it was already thoroughly occupied.

One of the things that I didn't like about what I think we can now refer to as my past life was that I felt like an intruder in my own home. The way that S and the boys lived their lives was not at all compatible with my own in that room as well as others.

"Fish and chips" for dinner tonight - I need to get started on that shortly. I mentioned to S18 when I drove him in to work that it's been a very long time since I had take-away and he thought that was a good idea. But then I realized that we have frozen breaded fish already in the freezer and I know how to make potato wedges.

Another thing where there was unforeseen in this case compatibility issues. I was balancing the books earlier and saw that S had spent over $500 on Uber-Eats while sorting through her Dad's stuff. Understandable perhaps that nobody was interested in cooking with the recent passing of her father. It seems to have dropped to very little at least from the numbers I can see. She may be paying for it out her own accounts.

It was remarked recently that I'm afraid of being alone / dying along. Sheesh - I'm having trouble waiting to be alone. There's so much I want to do. I'm so looking forward to being "me" again.

But first - there's going to be some tough slogging as well as showing some consideration and compassion for a woman and her boys who have had the rug literally taken out from under them.

I wonder though if it would be too much to start packing .... Maybe just the stuff in the front porch to begin with.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
S and her boys have NOT had the rug taken out from under them. Andrew, please stop taking all the blame and acting like a martyr here. You gave S plenty of communication and she chose to ignore and act as if you were lucky she was there. She’s a user and she will be fine. You need to separate her from both your checking and savings account and move on. The longer she has access to your money, the more likely she will be to use it. $500 on Ubereats sounds like a lot to me but I live in BFE where we don’t have such things so maybe it isn’t. Still, $500 for takeout over, what, a month? Yeah, that still seems excessive. She thought nothing of it, though, because it isn’t her money and that is what takers do.

I know you’re processing and journaling more to straighten out your thoughts than anything but I really wish you could step outside yourself and read/interpret your writings from an outside perspective. I feel like many people have enabled S throughout her life to shape her to who she is and now you are doing the same. You continue to make excuses for her and take the lion’s share of the blame about everything. STOP THAT!!!!!!!!!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
That's a bit harsh ((Dawn)). I'm glad I have you to give me a kick in the arse. One thing we are taught here as newcomers is to take ownership of our own failings and that stuck with me. While I do take ownership of my side of the street, I do agree that I gave it a good try but that it was just too much for me to deal with.

As we are also taught, we can't control other people and to me that also involves not casting blame or stones. DnJ has been a mentor to us all on that matter I feel smile

I just sent off S an email listing dates and items - echoes of separating from my ex and getting her crap out of the house. That took a looong time too. I put in that whatever isn't picked up by the start of May will be "disposed of" by my brothers and I.

I am confident that if I don't set a schedule and plan that there won't be one. Hopefully S actually reads that email - she has a (to me) horribly unorganized inbox but does seem to manage to see things related to the kids and school and whatnot. I've set dates for things to be out, dates when I'll be turning off streaming services etc and put in nothing about what she should / could do other than moving where her loan payment comes out and suggesting she pay it off if she can. That's for her to figure out and TBH I don't want to be responsible or involved.

For me it's good to put these things down in an essentially emotionless email. I had to work on not being too accommodating and giving in on things that I'm not asked to give in on. I did say that I was open to discussing specific items but will be surprised if S comes back with anything on that other than perhaps shifting the move-out date.

No clue what's going on with S. She said that she was going to visit her D26 for a few days and was vague about when she would be here. We do have an app Life360 that was intended so that she could see when I was going to and from work and it shows her as still at her Dad's house. I just uninstalled it - there's no reason to know where she is nor her me. She's said multiple times that she finds it a bit intrusive.

Going to be a solid steady day today. Lots to do as always. Banking where I'll mention to the staff about the separation so they can keep an eye open, groceries, laundry and then a small amount of packing and organizing. I'm still re-reading the Narnia series. I do like the innate kindness that is in many "kids" books.

I also need to give more serious thoughts to Christmas. I'm doing some research on what to get for my daughter and her husband. Memberships to cultural places is the usual and I can do that remotely and at the last minute. I'll need to start of my card list too.

Maybe I'll watch a Christmas movie later. Is it egg-nog / chicken milk time yet? Even though I managed just fine without alcohol knowing that I can / will be able to have a beer, glass of wine occasionally is a freeing feeling. My traditional glass of sherry on Christmas eve - dram of scotch on Robbie Burns day ...


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I apologize for the harshness. I did not mean to come across that way but I certainly did and I’m sorry. I totally agree with taking ownership and not casting blame. Those are solid points. Where I diverge from your thinking is in that your posts come across as though you are taking ALL the blame and that isn’t right either. You are involved in the mess but you didn’t create it on your own and S bears responsibility, whether she owns it or not, in NOT stepping up after you discussing it with her. That part is all on her.

You have said many times in relation to different issues that something isn’t your business. You said it in this last post in relation to S’s loan. Andrew, please think about that very carefully. Her loan IS your business because you co-signed, so if she just says to heck with it and drops it, you are on the hook. I’m not saying you can or should make the decisions since your finances will be disentangled but you can and should feel like you can make suggestions and discuss things related to it because it is most certainly your business since your name is attached to it.

I had to laugh a bit because you finally hit on something S and I agree on. My mother-in-law basically demands that Sparky share his iPhone location with her “for her safety” (think Life360 but it is just a basic function of the phone rather than being an actual app). She’s a bit of a loon and terribly over dramatic about stuff and Sparky doesn’t really care so he does it to appease her. Anyway, before Sparky and I even got married, she started asking me to share mine with her as well. I just kind of ignored it at first but she was being kind of persistent about it (of course, in the vein of just wanting to know I was safe driving to and from work) and I finally just told her I don’t share my location with my husband or my own mother so I’m not sharing it with her either. I can see where those kinds of things have a good purpose and when I went on a school trip out of state back in the spring, I turned mine on for Sparky so he could see where I was. Overall, though, to just have it all the time like Sparky’s mom wants is a little too intrusive for me. She has no reason to know where I am every minute of every day and if she feels the need to track me then we have way bigger issues. Before anyone takes any of that as harsh, that is MY opinion. I’m not saying others shouldn’t use it for their own reasons if they so choose. I’m just saying that I don’t want to use it because I find it intrusive and so this is the one thing where I see S’s point.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
May? Over 6 months to get her stuff out? You are going to wait that long to reclaim your space? 2 months is really more than generous , let alone 6!

Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard