She’s convinced that’s what you are, so really not so strange. How she was convinced doesn’t really matter. Change in for the better and knowing yourself is what matters. Maybe she’ll notice/understand. Maybe not. But I totally get that it “drives you crazy”. It helped me to internalize that I probably won’t ever be having that discussion.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I sometimes joke that statistically, everyone in my single parents' group was married to a narcissist--the term gets imho overused these days. There's obviously a difference between having Narcissistic Personality Disorder and being self-absorbed sometimes--welcome to the human race! She is trying to grow--as usual, not in the way you as a LBS would like or choose. If she pays attention, she will hopefully learn either your actions have little to do with NPD, or some techniques for better advocating for her own needs and boundaries in the relationship. Worst case, you can chuckle as she tries NPD abuse techniques on you such as Gray Rock or The Robot. I get upset when I'm called a liar when honesty is very important to me. It would suck being labeled narcissistic by a love one when you actually care about being a good person. You cared enough to share this diagnosis with others and check-in that they don't believe you have too many such traits.
She s far gone. I’ve just been thinking about it. The roots of this stuff go deep. All her new training on narcissists basically says if I do something good it’s a mind game, and If I do something bad it’s the real me. It reinforces her beliefs going back for years. It’s just crazy to me and so sad. This is almost over. Just a couple more days and she’ll be out of the house.
She s far gone. I’ve just been thinking about it. The roots of this stuff go deep. All her new training on narcissists basically says if I do something good it’s a mind game, and If I do something bad it’s the real me. It reinforces her beliefs going back for years. It’s just crazy to me and so sad. This is almost over. Just a couple more days and she’ll be out of the house.
Don't go thinking about what's going on in your W's head. Do not go there. It is a dark and weird place that you want no part of. Stay away. Buy a wristband and snap itwhen you start thinking about her mind.
So this kind of stuff drives me crazy. I found out that she enrolled in a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program for $97. I already knew she had labeled me as a narcissist. It drove me so crazy I asked my therapist at the time and my coach if it was true, they both laughed at me.
So she is 100% scapegoating me by labeling me with a condition and taking no ownership of our problems.
It happens/ has happened to all of us to some extent. There's a guy I know here locally that posts here sometimes. Very solid, kind, easy-going person. His wife enrolled in a local group for mentally abused women to help her address all the "mental abuse" he has heaped on her over the years, which as far as I can tell is completely in her mind. Wow, you want to talk about a group that feeds the WAS narrative! Like throwing gas on a fire.
My XW also at one point decided to explain to me how I needed therapy. She was right about that, but I needed it to deal with her waywardness and abandonment of me and the marriage, not because there was anything wrong with me! The therapist is the one that helped me understand there WASN'T anything wrong with me. Now she has nothing but good things to say about me, but around BD and for a couple of years after that was certainly not the case.
There was a WW that used to post here years ago who had reconciled with her H (not Sandi, there have been others too!) I remember her saying the hardest part of reconciling for her was having to explain to her friends and family why she was getting back together with the man that she had demonized to them for 2 years! She said she struggled with it so much that she actually considered not reconciling just to save herself the grief and embarrassment of having to tell everyone she had made it all up to justify her actions. How crazy is that?
I learned a new term today. Over Functioning. I’ll read on it more tomorrow, but my coach said I need to work on not over functioning. I found that really interesting, a new concept for me.
But the little I read, I am guilty of it. Had a great call with my coach. So that makes for a good day.
Vapo nailed it. Focus on you, Scott, not her. Who cares what she thinks. Move forward to being the best Scott you can be and living the best life you can live!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
There was a WW that used to post here years ago who had reconciled with her H (not Sandi, there have been others too!) I remember her saying the hardest part of reconciling for her was having to explain to her friends and family why she was getting back together with the man that she had demonized to them for 2 years! She said she struggled with it so much that she actually considered not reconciling just to save herself the grief and embarrassment of having to tell everyone she had made it all up to justify her actions. How crazy is that?
I've often wondered how many actually consider reconciling but let this get in their way?
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Yesterday my colleagues invited me to a happy hour. It was fun. As I was leaving I realized that I've probably only gone to happy hour 5 times in the last 14 years. It was a combination of trying to work hard and also a guilty feeling knowing that my wife was at home with the kids and I wanted to get home to help out. Now the reality is, that I was afraid that if I went to happy hour and she found out she would get angry with me and I would be "in trouble." So it was just easier to turn down the invites and not go.
I do feel like that says something about our relationship, and its not a good thing. She did close on the house on Monday. She is buying furniture and dividing our furniture up. She hasn't brought up that I haven't been wearing my wedding ring, and oddly she continues to wear hers (technically we had agreed to keep them on until 11/27 but I couldn't wear mine anymore).
This week my DB coach really cracked me up. First he pointed out the Over Functioning take. Then he made the point that because I have over functioned, my wife has not needed to grow - in effect, I stunted her growth by taking ownership of stuff that wasn't mine to own. An example was last week when I felt bad about going to a friends to hang out because she would be alone.
He also asked me "When is Scott going to say enough is enough?" I thought that was pretty powerful. He said I need to go have fun. When I talk to her empathize. Don't be cold and unfeeling. Treat her as a capable woman. And that I need to make my decisions and not be needy.
An example: I had asked her if we were getting divorced or separated. He said enough of that. I get to make that decision to. All great empowering advice.
She'll be out of the house soon and I think that will make all of this a lot easier. I'm trying to plan two ski trips with the kids - which is super fun to think about, and who knows what else. Once I have some time on my hands I hope to get after it, just wish this Covid stuff wasn't going on.
