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Joined: Nov 2020
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Benji Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2020
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Thanks guys!

Your posts helped me in lowering my internal tension, and getting back to strong DB’n in the past few days. Reading a lot again, running and working out. Already feeling a lot better.

And I decided to go to the next MC session without any preparation. For the first session, I had the agenda ready in my head, but now when we provided the therapist with the breakdown of the situation, I want to rely on their expertise and guidance moving forward.

I’ve come to peace with the fact that I might not learn anything about any OM now or in the past, and that if this needs to come to the surface at any point - it will. I assume this will probably haunt me again occasionally, but for the time being I stopped obsessing about it. Started looking for a new IC, as my previous one is not available. I will try to make the best use of MC and follow their guidance on salvaging and improving our MR, while DB’n on my own in parallel.

There is one issue though that I haven’t found much info on the boards yet (I know it probably exists somewhere) so any experience or material is appreciated - how to cope with libido boosts in these periods? Surprisingly or not, but when I focus on DB, I start seeing results fast - I feel better about myself, feel stronger and more confident. And my desire for sex becomes very strong in some moments. Pair that with PT being my primary LL, and it becomes very tough for me to be around my W and not be able to initiate anything. At some moments, this is literally driving me crazy… Especially since she is having mood swings, and sometimes my “horny” periods overlap with periods when she is down, which creates some weird vibe at home (or at least that is how it feels to me). I know that 5LL suggests that I should ignore my emotional bank for the time being, and get to a point where she will start communicating in my LL on her own initiative, but this is pretty new for me - as paradoxically I haven’t been feeling such strong sex drive so often in the past few years, and whenever I did, I wouldn’t prevent myself from making a move. And when I think about it now, it really seems stupid - but it is so hard to control...


Me: 33
W: 35
D: 2
Together: June 2010
Married: June 2016
Joined: Feb 2018
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Benji, that's a good question and a tough one. Libido is certainly a potential DBing issue. All I can tell you is that if you find other ways to stay busy it might not be quite as difficult. But obviously at this point trying to initiate sex is a bad idea. You are setting yourself up for rejection and that never feels good in the thick of your situation.

You make a good point about it not being talked about much and I think that's probably because the idea of our WAS being open to sex is so far from our minds in the thick of our situations that we don't even consider it a possibility. And for those whose WASs are in a PA it shouldn't even be a consideration. Even if the S tries to initiate.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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