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A Message from Michele
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Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918202
04/26/21 01:58 PM
04/26/21 01:58 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Well...I have my move out deadline. XH sold his house for around $200,000 more than what he paid for it two years ago (the market is crazy here right now!!) so buying me out wonít be that onerous financially. Feels strange. On one hand, I am excited to be taking another step towards building my lake house. On the other, I will be leaving the home that I moved into thinking I would be here forever. So...some mixed emotions even though I know I am 100% doing the right thing and that this is a wonderful step forward. When I am finally not sharing a house with MIL, I will finally feel fully divorced. Not that I have been hanging on to XH in any way because I definitely have not been. It is just hard to be completely separate from your ex when his mom is always lurking. I know things I donít want to know and see things I donít want to see. I need to move on and I know when I leave, it will ultimately feel like a weight has lifted. Hard to believe it was only four years ago that we moved here as a family. So many changes since then... Anyway...keeping my focus on the positives. Happy my kids donít have to lose this house. It will be weird for them to wake up in the morning and see OW here instead of their mom but they will eventually adjust.

Speaking of...they are heading to their dadís after school today after almost three full months with me. Neither of them want to go...they have remembered how much nicer it is to live in one place. Not gonna lie...looking forward to having a break from parenting so I can start focusing on my move out plan. Also SD21 is moving out on the weekend so I need to help her with that. Sheís also been struggling a bit emotionally so want to be there for her. She wants to move and be more independent but I know she is sad about it too. She came into my room on Saturday morning wanting some ďmom timeĒ. D13 is really sad she is leaving. The two of them have bonded significantly and she is a big support to D13.

Anyway...just a brief update. Hope all is well in DB Land. (((HUGS))) to all!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918417
05/03/21 05:53 AM
05/03/21 05:53 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Time for another check in. Got SD21 moved out...mostly. She gave me a tour of her new home. She is renting a room in a house with five other 20-somethings...mostly university students. Two guys that live in the basement and four girls upstairs. She doesnít know anyone so it is a bit like moving into a dorm for the first day. I have a ton of great memories living in dorms so Iím hoping she has fun too. I couldnít help but notice about six garbage bags full of empties on the back deck. Hoping it took them a year to accumulate...lol.

Spent Saturday running errands and then had dinner at my sisterís and we went through some boxes we hauled out of her storage locker that were left over from my momís place. Found a ton of letters and report cards. My mom saved every letter I ever wrote to them. I found one I wrote to my parents when I was 15. I didnít remember writing it but I do remember the incident that had prompted it. I had started hanging out with kids who were living on the edge a bit and had come home at 1 a.m. in a very loud muscle car with three of the boys. My parents were pretty worried I was going down the wrong path and we had a family meeting the next day. I thought I was going to be grounded but we talked it out and they decided to trust me. The letter I wrote thanked them for trusting me and assuring them I had a good head on my shoulders and wouldnít get into drugs and alcohol as I loved them and myself too much. I then went on to describe each of the boys I had been hanging out with...their circumstances, their strengths and the effect my friendship was having on them. I wrote that I wouldnít stop being friends with them because I was growing along with them and I loved watching them change for the positive. Hmmm...and I grew up to become a social worker...lol. Go figure.

Itís been almost three weeks since I started talking to Brook again. I think there have been only two days that I havenít heard from him. Itís been nice talking to him. Youíll all be happy to know that Iíve stuck to my guns and not suggested we get together. The ball is squarely in his court and I have lots of other things to focus on. If we are meant to be anything other than casual friends, it will happen eventually. Iím just going to let fate take its course. (((HUGS))) to all.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918668
05/08/21 02:43 PM
05/08/21 02:43 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Quiet morning at home. Kids are at their dadís and Iím planning out my week. Only three weeks until my move so time is ticking away. Yesterday was a day for reflection. I got news that a woman I was friends with in high school passed away. I read a Facebook post she had written on Wednesday that she was heading to the hospital for an angiogram the following day and was scared...hoping nothing had changed. I sent her some words of encouragement and that I hoped she got good news. Apparently she went into cardiac arrest when she was there and they restarted her heart but then took her off life support the following morning. And that was it...leaving a husband and a 14 year-old son behind. Really makes you think about how precious life is and how we really shouldnít waste time trying to control the things we canít control. Just live and try to get the most out of every day we are here.

This led to me sitting out on my back deck last night staring out at the view and reflecting on the last few years. As I prepare myself to leave my ďforever homeĒ, there is lots to think about. My backyard is starting to look a lot different. XH has been over here planting fruit trees with his mom. He brought the contract of sale over for me to sign and I remarked on the changes. ďWhat are you...a farmer now??Ē He kind of laughed and said ďyeahĒ. ďWTF?!? I couldnít even get you to mow the lawn!!!Ē Apparently he only likes to look after plants that he can eat so OWís son is going to have to mow...lol.

My sister and I talked about it yesterday. She spent a little bit of time with XH and OW and says their dynamic is completely different than our was. OW is much quieter and seems to just go with what XH wants. ďI hate to say it DV but I think they are probably a good match.Ē Yeah... Iíve been thinking that myself...or at least that he and I were not. I have a strong personality. I need someone who will straight up tell me what he is thinking or what he wants and not just go along with everything and then quietly resent me for it. That just poisons a partnership. I also need to relax a bit more and not try to make things ďperfectĒ. Been working on that one a lot.

Watching the ferry come in and staring out at the ocean, I realized that I have made it. This is what I was striving for. Forgiveness... it is such a relief to just be okay with all of it. There is a touch of sadness leaving here but also a lot of excitement with everything that is to come.

In other news... Brook has returned to working his 12-hour shifts so I havenít heard from him as much. A year ago that would have really bothered me but now Iím just ďmehĒ. If we are meant to be anything other than pen pals, it will happen. If not, the universe has something else planned for me. Also... had a message from TDH last night after two weeks of NC. Just a random text telling me he was playing cards with his mom and wishing me a happy ďpre-motherís dayĒ. I thanked him and we had a brief exchange. I still feel bad for hurting him but know I did the right thing. He probably thinks that he hasnít heard from me because I donít care about him. In fact, the opposite is true. I know that NC is the fastest way to get over someone so itís for his own benefit. My contacting him would only be about making myself feel better. Heís got a good support network where he is... heíll be fine.

Anyway...thatís the latest in DV Land. Nothing too earth shattering...lol. Getting my vaccine on the 17th...finally. Was looking at the numbers on the island and we are down to 260 active cases. One third of the islandís population has had at least their first dose of the vaccine. Everyone who wants a vaccine should have had their second dose by the end of the summer so pretty happy about that. Herd immunity is the goal!!!

(((HUGS))) to all!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918682
05/08/21 06:22 PM
05/08/21 06:22 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,900
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DnJ Offline
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Hello DV

Yes, life is precious and nothing is guaranteed. The sudden loss of your high school friend and the left behind family does make one reflect.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
My sister and I talked about it yesterday. She spent a little bit of time with XH and OW and says their dynamic is completely different than our was. OW is much quieter and seems to just go with what XH wants. ďI hate to say it DV but I think they are probably a good match.Ē Yeah... Iíve been thinking that myself...or at least that he and I were not.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Watching the ferry come in and staring out at the ocean, I realized that I have made it. This is what I was striving for. Forgiveness... it is such a relief to just be okay with all of it.

Nice to see DV.

Forgiveness is very freeing.

If I may...

Quote
I have a strong personality. I need want someone who will straight up tell me what he is thinking or what he wants and not just go along with everything and then quietly resent me for it. That just poisons a partnership.

Need/want. Just a wee, yet significant change.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I also need to relax a bit more and not try to make things ďperfectĒ. Been working on that one a lot.

We are all works in progress.

You strive to be accurate and mostly error free. I can relate. smile

Perhaps this: Donít try to make things perfect. Alter your definition of perfect.

Perfection is an interesting concept. An ideal that is noble to strive for and unable to be attained in our flawed mortal form. Therefore, it is the journey that matters and not the destination.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918694
05/10/21 12:38 AM
05/10/21 12:38 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks D. Definitely agree that it is the journey that matters. Living mindfully and with a positive focus makes that journey much better.

Motherís Day was awesome. The kids are with XH but he dropped them off last night so we could have breakfast together. Was SHOCKED when the kids wandered in with a bouquet of flowers for me. XH had made a point of stopping at the store to make sure they had a gift for me. Canít remember the last time he did that... Pretty sure that was a rare occurrence even when we were together. After I got over the shock, I texted him a thank you and he wished me a Happy Motherís Day. It seems that maybe XH and I are on the same page when it comes to forgiveness and moving forward and having a good coparenting relationship. Feels good.

This afternoon, the twins and I went on a little road trip (S13 HATES road trips...too anxious about the destination and the time it takes to get there) and found ourselves in the next town at a mini golf course. And a Motherís Day miracle happened...they got along the entire time!!! What a gift to not have to play referee for a day. When we got home, XH was working in the backyard...starting to build his chicken coop. He mentioned he was going to put in some stairs off the back deck which isnít a bad idea but I asked him if he needed a permit. He said probably but he wasnít getting one. My reply was, ďThank gawd you and I are divorced Ďcause that would be a big fight.Ē I then called him by his dadís name because that is exactly what his dad would do...lol. We both laughed. He knows Iím not wrong. laugh

Spending the rest of the evening at my sisterís. Guilted her into making me a MD dinner...lol. Great day!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918699
05/10/21 06:53 AM
05/10/21 06:53 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,845
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu
ďMay I release my egoís need to defend myself. May I have the courage to live in alignment - walking in the integrity of my own unique path. May I forgive the parts of myself that become reactive when Iím misunderstood. May I continue to show up over and over again as I learn to trust that everything is happening to serve my evolution and the greater good of the collective.Ē

That's a fantastic quote!

Happy Mother's Day, DejaVu, and congratz on the flower bouquet and what that may symbolize. (:


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2919075
05/21/21 07:20 AM
05/21/21 07:20 AM
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Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Posts: 1,840
So...eight days until moving day. Still doesnít feel real. Not sure how I am feeling about it all. I know it is the right choice for me. I am excited about building and living on the lake. But there is a part of me that is struggling with the finality of leaving what I thought was my forever home. And then soon after XH will be moving in and it will be as it was in the beginning only I will have been replaced. Itís strange because I donít have any feelings left for him...but I think I am still grieving the loss of my family...not just for me but for my kids. My son especially who still brings up ďthe divorceĒ as one of the major sources of sadness in his life. He is such a sensitive soul...wise beyond his years in many ways. I love him beyond measure and it breaks my heart to know that it has impacted him the way it has. D13 is a little less forthcoming but I joked with her that now we would be able to tell if it was me she is so attached to or the house. I joked with her that it is probably the house and she said, ďno...itís you mom.Ē Apparently her dadís place is super quiet and she really only sees him at dinner. If heís not in the garage working on his projects, he is in his room where OW spends most of her time. Understandable given her health issues I suppose. So it will be good that they are here with their grandma too and D13ís bestie is just up the street.

Watched a video about social media the other day and decided to take a break from it. Deleted the apps from my phone so I wouldnít be paying so much attention to them all of the time. I gave my phone number to Brook and told him if he wanted to have an ďofflineĒ friendship, he should give me a call. Not holding my breath as itís been a few weeks since we reconnected and heís never once suggested we meet. And now that he is back at work, I donít hear from him nearly as much so I would be pretty shocked if my phone rang. Still happy we ran into each other again though...regardless of how things turn out.

TDH texts me once in awhile. I always reply but donít try to prolong the conversation. I care about him a lot but I know that it never would have worked in the long run. We were just too different. He misses me which makes me sad. I know heíll be fine but I hate that I hurt him. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this is just an area of my life that I am destined to get wrong. Iíve been getting that anxious feeling in my chest again lately...the one that kept me up at night when my marriage first imploded. I totally understood its origin then but I donít know where it is coming from now. Possibly the stress surrounding moving...will be glad when it is over.

Anyway...gotta get some sleep. Have to be up in five hours. (((HUGS))) to all!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2919091
05/21/21 05:28 PM
05/21/21 05:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,087
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kml Offline
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Posts: 17,087
Change - even GOOD change - is stressful. And your ex moving into the house with OW is bound to bring u some of that past trauma.

Like you, I hate hurting people's feelings. BUT remember that TDH is a grownup,not a 20 year old, this isn't his first dating rejection and won't be his last. He can handle it.

It is really rotten the pain that the kids carry forward from our partner's unfaithfullness. But the best thing you can do is model for them moving forward and living a vibrant life.

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2919140
05/23/21 08:12 PM
05/23/21 08:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks KML. I know you are right about TDH. Iíve been pretty purposeful about not reaching out to him. Time and space does its job if you let it.

Change is definitely stressful...add moving onto that and yikes!!! I drew up a schedule for myself but of course got behind due to unexpected setbacks. Went into the storage room downstairs and discovered that XH barely took anything with him but his clothes and his garage stuff. And a lot of his stuff is mixed in with mine because when my organization moved us, the packers just threw everything together. Just taking everything that is definitely mine and the boxes that seem to have mostly my stuff. MIL was making noise about me taking all the kids lego cause XH says he has a lot of stuff at his house. Ummm...heís only been there two years and he took nothing with him. I reminded her of this and that they are just as much his kids as mine. As well, we are moving into someone elseís house so if XH wants the lego gone, he can use his talents for selling things online (which is how I think he funded his double life) and help his kids sell it. Honestly, he hasnít changed. If it is not HIS stuff or it has a purpose for HIM, it is completely unimportant. Sorry...not playing that game anymore and definitely not playing by his rules. Iíve done the bulk of raising our kids...itís long past time that he does his share.

Anyway...back at it. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!! laugh


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2919144
05/24/21 12:57 AM
05/24/21 12:57 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,087
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,087
In a way, I was fortunate that we sold our house early in the separation. Since I moved in with my mom and my ex bought his beach duplex that he was already living in, stuff was split at that time. My ex pushed for it, but I was ready to move on and knew I couldnít afford to buy him out of the house. With the exception of a single painting that he has, thereís nothing he has that I want, and nothing I have that I think heíd want. (The painting is a watercolor of our kids when they were young, commissioned by their nanny for a Xmas present. Iíd like to ask him for a turn having it - I just donít want to open the door to any discussion of the kids, or their troubled relationships with him. )

Still, I think Iíll ask soon. I have lots of wall space and he has very little. He might be happy to send it to me - room to put something more ďhip and beachyĒ on the wall. Maybe Iíll broach the subject now, before Fatherís Day, so my son could bring it home with him when he visits him.

My kids were in college so it wasnít as complicated splitting stuff. And although I loved that house, I didnít want to start my new life with the memories of my life there with him. My new house carries no trace of the philandering narcissist and Iím glad of it.

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