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A Message from Michele
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Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2917914
04/17/21 08:34 PM
04/17/21 08:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,087
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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Posts: 17,087
Wow - that's a whole lot to unpack about Brook! Now that he's had a head injury - be aware. Can lead to depression, cognitive problems. (Says the ex-wife of the guy with 6 concussions).

At least now you know it was never about you. So very sad about his brother.

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2917916
04/18/21 02:26 PM
04/18/21 02:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,590
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Ginger1 Offline
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You did the right thing and the brave thing. I know you saw other reasons to break up with him before the alcohol thing, but the alcohol thing is pretty serious. He seems to be a full blown alcoholic. I figure the reason why he needed to sneak it at your house too, is because he would withdraw if he didn't. There are alot of alcoholics on my unit with withdrawl and liver failure. All with the same patterns. You dodged a bullet there. You don't want that around your kids. I am sure he is a good soul and person, but he seems pretty troubled. He is an unemployed alcoholic and that can't be good for anyone. I hope he chooses to get the help he needs

As far as Brooke, be careful. You got pretty attached to the idea the last time, A friendship does sound like a really good idea, though. Your guy will come along one day, and you will have no doubts, and he will stick around, not come and go. You got this, girl

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2917973
04/20/21 04:54 AM
04/20/21 04:54 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Thanks you guys. The weather this weekend was fantastic. Made sure I got outside with my dog and my kids even though I usually had to bribe them with a treat...lol. Spent Sunday doing some chores and went over to sisterís to help her empty a couple closets in preparation for me and the kids moving in. Yikes. I thought I had a lot of stuff. My sister has A LOT of stuff. Trying not to get too overwhelmed but it is hard not to. Was texting with XH about it today. He is feeling somewhat the same. Iíve seen him more in the last two weeks than I did all of 2020. Itís been fine. Weíve had some good conversations (primarily move logistics and kids) and shared a couple of laughs. Amazing...when you get over someone, you really are OVER them. Feels great to finally get there. Onwards and upwards.

Today was laundry day and a Costco run. Ordered my new tires. Had my sister over for dinner cause BIL was working late. We walked our dogs and tried to come up with a game plan. Really depends on XHís dates. I feel like once we have a deadline to work towards, we will get it done. Itís going to be a crappy month but weíve agreed to just keep our eye on the prize. It will all seem worth it when weíre sitting on our dock sipping margaritas. laugh

Exchanged a couple texts with Brook today. He told me he spent the day yesterday at the lake with his daughters. Chatted for a couple minutes and then he had to go to a doctorís appointment to get a note for work. I am glad we are talking again but Iím definitely just taking things at face value and going with the flow. What will be will be. (((HUGS))) to all!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2917974
04/20/21 07:10 AM
04/20/21 07:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,845
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Hi Deja,

Great update! Seems positive on all fronts. I hope to get where you are with my ex-wife someday!


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2917989
04/20/21 02:01 PM
04/20/21 02:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Thanks CW. I canít say that I am always 100% without any negative feelings towards him...more like 95% with 5% remaining for the five years he stole from me before he was outed. Keeping the focus on my kids and what is best for them definitely helps. That and really enjoying the life I am living now. laugh


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2917996
04/20/21 03:46 PM
04/20/21 03:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,786
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Dawn70 Offline
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I'm sorry for your break-up with TDH, but you seem to be handling it really well. Alcoholism is nothing to play with and it can certainly be difficult when the person who is drinking and hiding alcohol won't even admit there is a problem. I think someone already said this, but I would just say proceed with extreme caution where Brook is concerned. It would be easy to get swept up in that and not likely see a very different end than last time.


Me 51, H52
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
7 grandkids
Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918015
04/20/21 08:05 PM
04/20/21 08:05 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
Thanks Dawn.

The decision to end things with TDH was a difficult one. He is a good person and I believe he really did love me. There were just too many practical differences, however, that I knew I could not live with long term. World views, alcohol consumption, smoking (he said he was quitting the entire time but I never saw him make a real effort), spending habits (especially when he isnít working), casual attitude toward most things of importance that donít directly affect him, etc... I knew deep down that there were just too many things I would have wanted him to change and it would have only led to resentment on both sides. Better to walk away when the stakes are relatively low.

Re: Brook. I am in a different place now. I realized last time I got way too caught up with the romance of the idea that the first boy I remember being in love with (as much as you can be at 14...lol) could turn out to be the last. Great story but way, way ahead of the reality. I have both feet firmly planted in reality this time so not reading anything into my communication with him. We share a lot of similar experiences and interests and could become good friends but thatís as far as it goes for now. I am treating him like I treat my other friends. When they contact me, I respond. When something funny or interesting happens, I might reach out to share a laugh or a story but donít go beyond that. If I get a reply, great, if not, I assume they have other things going on and donít take it personally. Like I said, if Brook wants to explore the idea of this becoming more than a friendship, he is totally capable of asking me out. I am definitely not going to be the one to do that this time. I learned my lesson on that one. Like Ginger said, the right person will come along when they are meant to. Maybe thatís him, maybe itís someone else. I remain open to all possibilities including the one that has me being on my own. Iíll be okay no matter what. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918018
04/20/21 08:51 PM
04/20/21 08:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,845
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Deja, may I ask you something? In my prior relationships, if all goes well within 1 month we are usually exclusive, within 3 months ILU, within 6 months we've made future plans. I tend to get "stuck" at that point--I have many relationships that lasted for years that should have ended much sooner, but it's so hard to give up without trying everything when you love someone and you've promised each other forever. I'm curious how you simultaneously got close and committed enough for a relationship as long as you and TDH, while maintaining enough distance to step away when it was right. Maybe physical distance helped, or maybe you have some relationship skills I need to learn and apply in my life!


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918022
04/20/21 10:52 PM
04/20/21 10:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Hmmm...thatís an interesting question CW. I think that the break up of my marriage has changed me somewhat. I donít promise forever anymore...doesnít mean I donít hope for it but I definitely donít promise it. In this particular case, I do think the distance was a factor as I was already spending 80 per cent of my time without him so I knew breaking up wasnít going to make a huge difference in how Iíve been living my life day-to-day. I also became very aware of our differences, in terms of our world views, quite early on so I think that was in the back of my mind the entire time. I think I was committed to giving us a fair chance because there were a lot of other things that did make us a good match and I do think he is a good person with a big heart.

TDH and I had actually had a few discussions about my concerns prior to the break up so he was well aware of my fear they may ultimately prove to be a deal breakers in the long run. Consequently, I donít think either of us were Ďall inĒ and planning any big moves. Mostly we had agreed to live life in the moment and see what happens. But, over time, as I became more aware of the other issues apart from that, it was getting a lot harder to maintain that outlook. I realized that staying with the ďwait and seeĒ approach was ultimately doing a disservice to myself and to him. After our last disagreement, I knew in my heart of hearts that we werenít going to work out and that putting it off was only prolonging the pain. I didnít need to do a lot of explaining...he knew where I was coming from.

Iím not sure if you need to add a relationship skill so much as you need to engage in a regular practice of self reflection. What helped me is asking myself this question... ďIf this was a friend in the exact same situation, what advice would I give to them?Ē I had absolutely no question about what advice I would give once I was able to I step outside of myself and look at things objectively. So I followed it and I know it was the right thing to do.

Ultimately I think what a lot of us on here struggle with is how to open up and be vulnerable enough to let someone in without giving them the power to send us into an emotional spiral when/if it doesnít work out. I think that is something Iíve gotten better at doing over time. Iíve never had a problem with the first half of that equation...Iím open and vulnerable with almost everyone I meet. Itís just who I am. I have very, very few walls built up even though one can argue that I should given all that has transpired in my life. The emotional spiral part is a continual work in progress, for sure, but it is getting easier over time. Anyway...I do tend to ramble so Iím not sure if that answers your question but I hope so. Happy to keep talking about it though. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light IV [Re: DejaVu6] #2918148
04/24/21 01:42 PM
04/24/21 01:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,840
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Well...up at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Oh what I wouldnít give to be able to sleep in again. Even a couple of hours would be nice. There are some pluses...I get to have some relaxation time before I have to get up and get on with my day. Iíve also seen some beautiful sunrises. Iíve been making a point of looking at those knowing that I wonít be seeing them once I move to my sisterís. I will really miss my ocean view but am keeping my eye on the prize. The weather has been really nice lately and Iíve driven by the lake fairly often. It looks beautiful and peaceful and it still doesnít seem real that it will be my backyard in a year (hopefully) or two. Trying not to be overwhelmed by all of the work and decisions that have to be made between now and then.

XHís house went on the market Thursday. Iíve never been past XHís front door so I checked out the pictures online. It is nice. Theyíve obviously done a lot of extra work to make it that way. The back yard is especially nice. Clearly XH decided that he did care about doing yard work after all. For our entire marriage, he loathed it. All he wanted to do was work on his car and if you asked him to help out with anything, he would do it but very, very begrudgingly. Looking at that yard, it is hard to believe it is the same guy who literally screamed at me that he would never give a f*ck about the lawn and that if I wanted it mowed, I would need to tell him because he would never look at it and think ďthat lawn needs to be mowedĒ. Hence why I mowed it 95% of the time. Seeing that house really did underscore my theory about why XH was such a pill when we were married. His house with OW is the first place he has lived without his mom and was 100% his. I think he finally felt like an adult fully in charge of his life and so he stepped up. It will be interesting to see how things go when he and OW move back in with his mom. When he left, he spontaneously told me that he couldnít stand living with me AND his mom any longer. He would deny it now but I think he was being 100% honest (for once). I think he has since convinced himself that he was so irritated with his mom because he wasnít happy in his marriage. I think he is fooling himself. I watched it for 13 years from the worst place possible...solidly stuck in the middle. Good luck OW. Youíre going to need it.

Been really busy at work lately. Just some really high needs youth involved with my clinic who require lots of time spent in meetings. The age old question...how do you keep a kid safe when he doesnít want help? What often happens is you throw every service and support you can think of and nothing seems to work. Eventually people start to point fingers at other people in the group because their anxiety is so high they need to find someone to blame or accuse of not doing their job. In my experience, people are usually doing the best they can with the resources they have but the reality is that no program can replace what most of these kids are missing... a reliable, loving, predictable and safe environment when they were little and too often, a mother who didnít abuse substances when she was pregnant with them. Trauma and neglect combined with low cognitive functioning is an awful combination. It is an almost impossible task...ĒparentingĒ by committee. Spent much of yesterday explaining to people the realities of the Mental Health Act and how you canít hold someone against their will because of what they MIGHT do. Minority Report was just a movie.

Have heard from TDH only once in the last ten days. A text on Tuesday about how his son is starting a new school program. I responded that it was good news but didnít invite a conversation. I havenít reached out at all. Knowing what I know about recovering from break ups, he needs time and space. I donít want to run the risk of giving him false hope. I am 100% certain I made the right decision. There were just too many differences between us. Even though we really liked each other as people, we were fundamentally incompatible with respect to a long term relationship. My only regret is that I didnít end it as soon as I knew that. I spent too much time trying to deny my intuition...worried I was being too picky or not seeing things clearly or placing too much importance on things that arenít important. Now that some time has passed, Iíve realized I was doing none of those things.

Since running into Brook, I have heard from him almost every day. He texted me yesterday morning that he knew it was my late fatherís birthday and he was sending me positive vibes as he assumed it was likely a tough day for me. We chatted for a bit. We have never really directly talked about what happened last year. Yesterday I commented that it was nice talking to him again and that I didnít want to rehash any misunderstandings we had had but that I hoped we could basically start over and build a friendship. He agreed and said it ďsounds perfectĒ and that he is in a way better place now than he was a year ago. So...weíll see. Not going down the rabbit hole of getting caught up in the narrative about how cool it would be if my first love ended up being my last love. Been there, done that. Just taking one day at a time and being open to whatever the universe has planned for me.

Anyway...thatís my update. Hope all is well out there in DB Land. (((HUGS))) to all!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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