Andrew, you know what you need to do. You know you need to do it now. You're sitting back, with a sad smile, acknowledging the truth of this. You're doing absolutely nothing about it.
Right now, watching this train crash, it doesn't look like you're going to move quickly enough. We're all seeing the S train bearing down on you and shouting to jump out of the way, but you refuse. The idea of a continued descent into misery and illness isn't enough to galvanize you into action.
It seems to me that you are content to wait and see how terribly awful your life can actually get. Why is that?
i'd be loathe to have her putting stuff away - rather, i'd prefer she packed her $h!t and left ... but, that's just me.
her lack of enthusiasm is all you need to know.
her going back on Sunday rather than the original mid-week, again - telling.
Thanks bttrfly - Yeah - I'd love to have a time machine that works in reverse - go back a couple of years to when my son told me that he didn't want me dating her and whack myself on the back of the head with a whiffle bat. I expect that he at that time had no idea of what she was really like to live with as her oldest daughter (his friend that he would be visiting) was still around taking of everything for her mother.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am still not understanding what you are waiting for? What miracle you are expecting to happen? I think you know exactly where this is going. So does she. Why wait until she [censored] you dry financially, emotionally and mentally? I don’t understand what’s to be gained. Maybe it’s not for me to understand
I'm trying to do the right thing. Probably most of us here are the victims of a spouse who made a unilateral choice on the relationship. We think that the right way to do it is to 1 - let the other person know there are problems (with minimal mind-reading) 2 - work with the other person and counselor to address those problems 3 - after giving it some time and effort, if the problems are insurmountable then do a split in a respectful fashion
That's what I'm trying to do. Right now I'm on step 2
Originally Posted by DonH
I will again give you huge credit Andrew for opening all of the details to comparative strangers here. That cannot be easy. It also shows that you are willing to look at things. Hopefully you’ll find a good C who can work with you to figure this out. Much more importantly, find a good C to help you from continuing the pattern any longer. Please do this BEFORE you go out on a single date post S.
I hope you're sitting down. Thanks Don.
Yeah - I've certainly recognized that I have things to work on. From my point of view the first thing is my vulnerability to women who move too fast. How does that old Country song go? Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money .... I have them in the wrong order and haven't had a glass of whiskey in perhaps 2 years now. I do like a nice single malt as long as it's not too peaty in flavour.
One important thing that I knew that's been reinforced though is that other than my cowardice in certain situations, I quite like me. I'm happy in my own head and with my own company and don't have a "need" for others. My skills in dealing with conflict certainly need work. I started to write "before I try again" - but that's not in the cards. I have no interest in replacing S with "someone better" except that that might be with a cat. Perhaps a little tortoise-shell. I had one years ago who was very dear to me. I miss having a pet of my own. I'm just a care-taker of the zoo here.
I do think that this train is starting to pick a direction. For both of us. S is certainly not acting like a person who has any real interest in working on "winning me back". She just seems like someone who is very very tired. She has done a bit more house-keeping in recent days that was her usual and it exhausts her. I do know that when you are trying to deal with some unpleasant task like in her case sorting and organizing that it can draw a lot out of you. Like always I've tried to notice and let her know that I do see that she's been putting in an effort.
The physical magnetism that she had towards me is absent as far as I can detect. No seeking out hugs, kisses. No random flashing me as she walks by. Certainly the dog is less disturbed at night than she used to be
I'm sad. The only way that I think that this could work for me as things are would be to minimize myself, my own priorities, wants and lifestyle. S13 once commented back in February that I should change my name and become "one of them". No. Because it's the "proper" way to do it, I feel that I need to give S a chance to work with me to try to figure this out but at this point I'm not getting anything much other than perhaps the superficial. Which is perhaps all she sees. I don't know.
Should be a generally good weekend - superficially at least . I have my first load of laundry in, I'm getting a haircut - might be the last one for a while. S did some groceries yesterday but was fairly clear that she's expecting me to do the rest which I'm fine with. Get my fresh flowers, a scone from my friend at the back-shop. Putter in the office.
We're heading back into lock-down here again I think. We've learned a lot in the past year I think. Mask wearing is now common as is keeping physical distance so I think that more will stay open than did in the spring. The expectation is that this lock-down will probably last until the new year.
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I'm re-reading the Narnia series for the umpteenth time. A nice escape.
I don't know of any activities that S might have for us to do together and can't think of any that are likely. I know that I'm perhaps fairly limited in the "couples / family" activities that I enjoy. I don't care for watching TV, especially with boys who talk over top of everything with loud commentary. I've never enjoyed board games and am only an occasional card player.
She's heading out sometime on Sunday with S13. I need to find out if she's staying for dinner. I'm thinking of making a meat-loaf. The chicken S got out yesterday turned out to be more work than she was willing to do so I believe she's planning on that for tonight. Cooking isn't something she's passionate about but she is capable. I did up the dishes last night and probably will again tonight. A reasonable division of labour that gives me the clean counter that is important to me.
If S isn't going to be here for Sunday dinner I may pick up a nice bottle of wine to go with it. I haven't had a chianti for a while and there are some quite nice ones. Reminders of a different time, sitting at a - metaphorical - cafe in Ravenna with some good friends.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Your 3 steps to doing the right thing apply to a marriage. But a dating relationship? Dating is recognizing differences that DO NOT WORK before marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing those and then doing the right thing for yourself
. I have my first load of laundry in, I'm getting a haircut - might be the last one for a while. S did some groceries yesterday but was fairly clear that she's expecting me to do the rest which I'm fine with. Get my fresh flowers, a scone from my friend at the back-shop. Putter in the office.