Fortunately I've wizzed on computers before so was able to be my own computer wiz.
Lol - apparent differences in American and Canadian slang - here that would mean you have peed on computers before.
Means the same thing here There were a lot of reasons that doodler and I got along.
I've tried to keep my skills current over the years and like to think that I can find my way around most machines and data warehouses. I think it surprises people sometimes that I am have such a depth and breadth of experience and skills. Most people generally slot themselves into a specialty which I'm sure you understand in your own profession and generalists like myself are rare. And also have a hard time getting a new gig because most companies look for specialists.
Originally Posted by kml
In fact, pretty much everything you thought she would be did not turn out to be true. And look at the contrast between the phone contact you had when you were dating versus now. I would expect most women, apart from their partner dealing with the tragic death of a parent, would welcome the occasional text or call and would at the very least call you at bedtime just for support.
I do find it weird that it's me that does the initiating 90% of the time these days.
Originally Posted by kml
Btw Andrew - you made a VOW to your wife, not a promise. Being engaged is NOT the same thing as being married and you should not treat it the same. This time is for you to LEARN exactly what you have, whether that person is actually compatible with you for a long term marriage. You've discovered she's not.
Yeah. The sunk costs fallacy is certainly part of it. Differentiating between a promise and a vow seems lawyerly to me.
One thing that keeps going through my mind is that scene from A Christmas Carol (the Alistair Simms version is the BEST one)
Originally Posted by Charles Dickens
He was not alone, but sat by the side of a fair young girl in a black dress, in whose eyes there were tears.
"It matters little," she said softly to Scrooge's former self. "To you, very little. Another idol has displaced me; and if it can comfort you in time to come, as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve."
"What Idol has displaced you?"
"A golden one. You fear the world too much. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one, until the master-passion, Gain, engrosses you. Have I not?"
"What then? Even if I have grown so much wiser, what then? I am not changed towards you. Have I ever sought release from our engagement?"
"In words, no. Never."
"In what, then?"
"In a changed nature; in an altered spirit; in another atmosphere of life; another Hope as its great end. If you were free today, tomorrow, yesterday, can even I believe that you would choose a dowerless girl; or, choosing her, do I not know that your repentance and regret would surely follow? I do; and I release you. With a full heart, for the love of him you once were."
Originally Posted by kml
Sit back when you first get to the counseling session and let her go first. You may learn a lot from where she goes. Then speak up for yourself - you don't see this working and want to work towards an amicable separation.
That is really really good advice that as usual I will have a hard time following. But I'm going to try. Keeping mouth shut and ears open is the only way to learn things. I do have a tendency to dive into exposition and stick my foot in it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
For the sake of argument let's say that I'd found my testicular fortitude and stuck with it. S would have been very angry, hurt and shocked. Her kids would have rallied around her and she probably would be sleeping on her daughter's couch or at her Dad's place while she looked for an apartment. Raises a further possibility about her Dad's passing while doing yard-work that isn't a good idea to explore.
I believe that when it's one's time that's it, pop go the clogs ... we are not powerful enough to stop death when it's someone's time to go.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
When you married your XW you both made a vow. You publicly stated before the people gathered there, and your God, all the things with which I'm sure we're familiar. When you promised S that you would love her that was an agreement made solely with her.
Before you bind yourself to the "I never break my promises" yoke, you should recall that you made that agreement:
-with the belief she was serious about her commitment to you (e.g. she was actively seeking a divorce) -with the (incorrect) knowledge you had of her strengths and weaknesses (i.e. she was spiritual, energetic, entrepreneurial etc), and -with the belief that she'd follow through with whatever promises she made you.
Andrew, everything we think we know about S has been written by you. This woman that you say you are going to work hard for - who is absolutely worth your every effort - is the same woman almost everybody here sees in a deeply unflattering light. That light is cast by you!
I couldn't believe you could take us to task for a lack of compassion then go on yourself to write posts with semi-scathing remarks about her, or her brood or her habits. If you truly believe what you write on this forum, why are you trying so hard to convince yourself that S is anything other than what you say she is?
The will thing is also particularly alarming. I simply cannot believe you dislike your children so much you want to effectively disinherit them. I know they aren't particularly involved in your life right now, but if the worst were to happen today would you really be OK with them having to fight S for their inheritance?
I'm going to look a bit harsh here, but I believe it's ridiculous to consider yourself honour-bound to stay with, and provide for, S considering the obvious disrespect you have for her. That pride you say you have in keeping your word is looking like a very large and heavy rod for your back. Are you really sure your long-term happiness is so worthless?
Andrew, everything we think we know about S has been written by you. This woman that you say you are going to work hard for - who is absolutely worth your every effort - is the same woman almost everybody here sees in a deeply unflattering light. That light is cast by you!
I couldn't believe you could take us to task for a lack of compassion then go on yourself to write posts with semi-scathing remarks about her, or her brood or her habits. If you truly believe what you write on this forum, why are you trying so hard to convince yourself that S is anything other than what you say she is?
Stressing about lots of things today and burning through another thread because of it.
Surprisingly my blood pressure was about the lowest I've seen it at 93/68 even after I got angry at the dog for barking on and on and on. The radio was cutting in and out and it bothered her. I did yell at her which is highly unusual and then set her in the living room where she sat on the couch perhaps knowing that she did wrong. My usual blood pressure is up around 131/72
S contacted me late yesterday afternoon with a computer problem with her Dad's computer. She was pretty desperate I think. Even though she never talks to me on the phone I called her and was able to walk her through some of the steps over the phone. I used Messenger to see her screen and her and walked her through the rest of the issues. Technology isn't one of her strong suits.
It was weird to see her and hear her voice. She was thankful for the help. S18 commented that he was surprised at how patient I was. I have a "lot" of practice though doing remote support. He's also mentioned that he's not looking forward to having her back at the house. Sad in a number of ways. By the sounds of it S13 isn't in any rush to see her either.
S said she'd had a busy day of doing yard work and dusting there but was trying to take it easy to spare her back. I do expect that she's making an effort to keep the place to the standards that her Dad had. Her D19 is going down to hang out with her this weekend and watch movies. She asked how I was doing and I told her that I was very tired and rather stressed. Looking at her screen reflected on mine, I really looked it I'm sure.
S was saying how bizarre it was for her to be actually alone for the first time she can ever remember. No kids, no critters, just her.
Originally Posted by Westo
Nail firmly hit on the head, right there.
Yeah. I own this. Reluctantly and guiltily but I own this.
It's difficult to capture nuance and feelings and I do feel bad about also piling on S for my perception of her faults.
As a bit of background on the whole "being dead" thing. S and her brother have decided that for the present that there will be no funeral or memorial. They'll do something when people can travel again. So the fact that she's not spending time on that but is instead working on sorting out the estate is reasonable I feel.
As far as me being dead - a colleague of mine who was common-law with her partner for quite a few years was left "out in the cold" after he passed. That really stuck with me on how at risk people can be in a relationship if the other person passes and how "unfair" is seems for that person to just be left aside.
It was easier to add an personal codicil to ensure that S got something to help her start fresh (let's ignore her Dad's legacy) rather than change the core document or the beneficiaries on my pensions or insurance policies. Saying "proceeds from the house" seemed the logical move. Given the uncertainty these days I'm very reluctant to put in anything more binding. It's not a lot of cash as the house has a good sized mortgage on it after I bought out my ex-wife. It "is" the family home yes and the importance of that to my kids didn't stick in my head as well as it should have.
The documents are not witness nor signed. The kids would be reasonable though in believing that this reflects my wishes as stated to them. And if I change my mind, the documents are easy to revise. They would also be difficult to enforce if challenged. I'm going to leave it all alone for now. Yanking things around during uncertain times just adds more uncertainty which I can really do without.
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The counseling session next Tuesday will be difficult as will S being back in the house and those are what I'm stressing on the most. She said she may be home late Monday but I have my doubts that she'll be here before Tuesday afternoon. kml's suggestion to keep my big yap shut and listen is a good plan although I can imagine both the counselor and S staring at me with a "well - this was your idea we needed this" look.
I want to focus on a couple of key things. "Easy to love but hard to live with" described from the perspective that I'm feeling more stressed, less healthy and less happy than I was before we were together. That goes into the fight we had just before I proposed where S pushed that I was too stressed and not taking care of myself and that she wanted to help me. What I perceive as our communication issues where I feel confined and constrained because I'm afraid of being shut down and then attacked. I think that is pretty much the whole time we'll get.
I'm conflict avoidant. I know this. I'm upset with myself that I'm in a situation where these things need to be faced. While the argument could be made that I was pushed into this situation, I allowed it to happen.
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Enough whining. The weather today is unseasonably warm. I have one load of laundry out on the line and 2 more to go. No ironing this weekend. The shirt I wear on my one day in to the plant / week is a uniform shirt that is wrinkle resistant so hanging it out will be good enough. I believe that I'll be getting some more uniforms shortly. I remain the only person who wears a bow tie with them.
I have a side trip to my favourite butcher shop which has decided to only do curb-side orders for the next year. Going to skip the bank today though as I have lots of cash in my wallet and S has said that she can skip her pocket money infusion this week.
I'm going to get the trampoline taken down except for the frame and put away.
I'm thinking that I'll do some pan-seared chicken for dinner tomorrow. I may just graze for tonight. I'm going to have brunch with my son tomorrow and see "my girls".
I have a bunch of office work to do this weekend too. I fell behind last week due to a combination of factors and I've found that the weekends are a good time to do some of the more serious math and planning that is needed. I have 2 special orders coming in that will need some extra work. Friday was a crap-show in many ways because I messed up by about 9 tonnes on an order and had to call the supplier to sort things out. Fortunately - as I should learn in my personal life - if you call someone and just explain things to them, they can often be quite accommodating. Sigh. Slow learner.
Hard to believe that it's only a few more shopping weeks before I need to get the parcels in the mail for my daughter and her husband for Christmas. Given that I don't know where they will be moving to the usual membership to the local zoo (they never really got to use their one for the San Diego Zoo) won't be an option I think.
Thank you everyone for your support and arse-kicking as I work though this very very difficult time. I'm grateful for a venue where I can explore my feelings even if they make no sense to pretty much everyone, especially me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I want to focus on a couple of key things. "Easy to love but hard to live with" described from the perspective that I'm feeling more stressed, less healthy and less happy than I was before we were together. That goes into the fight we had just before I proposed where S pushed that I was too stressed and not taking care of myself and that she wanted to help me. What I perceive as our communication issues where I feel confined and constrained because I'm afraid of being shut down and then attacked. I think that is pretty much the whole time we'll get.
Do you realize you said you wanted to focus on a couple of things, then only mentioned what you think are your communication issues? Sure there’s going to be communication issues when you’re dealing with a hoarder! Just like any other addict, they’ll adroitly turn things around into you in order to avoid having to face their own problem.
Don’t you think that bringing up her hoarding and the effect it is having on you would be pretty important?
And btw I didn’t mean be silent the whole time - but just see if S will speak up first. You might learn a lot from what she starts with. If she complains you’re a clean freak and won’t watch dumb tv shows with her - I think it’s fair to just admit you’re not really compatible. If she doesn’t start with some ownership of what a mess she’s made of your house, I doubt you’ll get far. Just to remind you though - what you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable. You’re not freaking out about a few crumbs on the counter like CMM.
Thanks kml - that was what I presumed you had meant. As Samuel Clemens once I believe said "It is better to close your mouth and be perceived as an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt".
One good thing about this essentially 3 week break is that it's given me time to work through my own thoughts on this. The fact that I'm perfectly happy if not more comfortable when S isn't here is certainly both obvious and telling and is certainly something that I should be talking about when we go to counseling. Her limited messaging and my own certainly seem to have a continuing distancing. Like those buzzards in Disney's Jungle Book we have gotten stuck in a "so what do you want to do loop" with no Shere Khan to bump us out of it.
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Just an update on a pretty good day. I slept in for about 11 hours and felt fairly rested. Made myself a decent breakfast then took S18 in to work and headed out to see my own son. It is a Glorious day here. Warm, sun-shiny.
I dropped off some halloween candy as well as some sausages from our favourite butcher shop. He was very happy especially about the sausages which are a "thing" in our family at least with the kids and I. I think my ex-wife was annoyed at always being asked for them.
The place we were going to go for brunch wasn't open so we walked a couple of more blocks to a more traditional coffee-shop place where there was some darned amazing comfort food. I had a BLT with home fries and S26 had eggs that were cooked exactly as he liked them. We'll definitely go back.
"The girls" were happy to see me and belly-rubs and pets were distributed. Liz actually demanded affection which is her normal. In the past she's hidden under the bed when I've visited and has had to be coaxed out. Amy seems to have lost quite a bit of weight but S26 says that she's eating fine and both seem to be healthy. I really miss them a lot. Oh and my son.
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In other news I asked S18 to take over cooking dinner for us last night and he did a pretty good job. Much less nervous than before. We had potato wedges which he made earlier in the week for the first time and sausages. We both quite enjoyed them. I'm pleased that he's stretching himself and I think I've changed how he looks at nutrition and food in the past few weeks. I've not ordered any take-out and he and I have had a few simple made-from-scratch meals. Which is actually my normal. S18 has noticed the increase in "healthy food" around the house and joked about it.
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I wish I had a crystal ball that worked for me. There actually is one somewhere in the house but I have no idea how to use it. Mapping a path to a life where I'm comfortable and happy is proving to be difficult. Not just the mapping but the putting my feet on to the path part too. I feel horrible that I regret some of the choices that I have made and that there are 10 other souls who are impacted by that. The hamster perhaps doesn't count, but I'm including him too.
I have to find the courage to be honest. Completely honest. That I am unhappy with the way things are and that I'm not seeing a path towards a better future. Back in November / December S and I talked and one of the things we talked about was that I could see where we were as "A" and where I hoped we be as "C" but that I couldn't see the path that took us from A to C. She assured me that she had a plan. Where I am is not what I imagined as "C". That had us being a couple who supported and encouraged each other, who complemented the other's strengths and filled in on the weaknesses. S is loving but I don't feel like we are at all a team and are living different lives.
Well - much cleaning to do and I've not made much of a start. Making pan-seared chicken for dinner tonight. I have a bunch of math to do for work as well to figure out the production plan for the start of next week. And I'm terrified of the counseling session and how to approach things. Courage and Honesty. Honesty and Courage. (pats pockets) now where did I leave those ...
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I noticed a similarity between your situation and mine.
The anxiety and stress level of each individual at your house seemed to be peaceful for the moment. What is the common trait? Could it be stability, comfort, peaceful environment??
From what you share, you are not the only one who is happier ..
I remember OW' s kids telling my kids that they wish their mother was more like me. Ironic and sad.
I see S' s kids having more faith in you than in their own mother..
This alone says alot ((( Andrew ))).
In my situation, i actually considered taking her kids in. My kids talked me out of it because we finally had peace at home and they had grand-parents that were taking them in once in awhile. I always felt sorry for her kids. They both walked out on them and never returned... Imo, best decision they could have made..
There were a lot of reasons that doodler and I got along.