A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL MAY OFFER -- SAVE $40
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $350
CALL 303-444-7004 and mention this offer
or use code: SAVE_$40 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Re: A 2nd Date Set with Bach2 (B2) [Re: CanBird] #2915479
02/23/21 02:55 PM
02/23/21 02:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,793
D
DejaVu6 Offline
Member
DejaVu6  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,793
Sounds like a great start CanBird. Re: texting someone you just went out with that you made it home safe... To me, thatís kind of like texting someone ďyouíre welcomeĒ before they say ďthank youĒ. What impresses me is when a guy texts me to make sure I made it home safe. Or...if he asks me at the end of the date to text him that so he knows I made it home. Otherwise, I wouldnít bother texting him as doing so presumes a level of concern on his end that may not be there. What I would do, however, is text my friend to let her know I made it home safe as I would have prearranged that since I was going out with a stranger. Anyway...just my two cents. Hope your second date is everything you want it to be. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: A 2nd Date Set with Bach2 (B2) [Re: CanBird] #2915489
02/23/21 05:09 PM
02/23/21 05:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,955
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,955
Yeah - do not do the work for him. If he hasn't got enough energy for you to make the first move, he may not be the date you want. This is a good rule of thumb to follow. You never know what a guy might offer if you beat him to the punch all the time. Be patient and allow time for his true self to show through.

Has he been married? Had kids? Is he in the same stage of life as you? How's his sense of humor?

Re: A 2nd Date Set with Bach2 (B2) [Re: CanBird] #2915490
02/23/21 05:11 PM
02/23/21 05:11 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,955
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,955
Oh - and please google him just to make sure he's not a known serial killer or child molester. Just read a story in the Washington Post about a woman who was in a relationship for several years with a guy, they had just moved into a new house they had purchased together, things seem rosy, the she finds out he has a whole other relationship with a woman with kids AND has been having casual sex on business trips AND has a prior conviction for child molestation! She could have been saved a boatload of trouble if she'd done a background check first.

Re: A 2nd Date Set with Bach2 (B2) [Re: kml] #2915540
02/24/21 08:10 AM
02/24/21 08:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 707
HI
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
CanBird  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 707
HI
Originally Posted by kml
Oh - and please google him just to make sure he's not a known serial killer or child molester. Just read a story in the Washington Post about a woman who was in a relationship for several years with a guy, they had just moved into a new house they had purchased together, things seem rosy, the she finds out he has a whole other relationship with a woman with kids AND has been having casual sex on business trips AND has a prior conviction for child molestation! She could have been saved a boatload of trouble if she'd done a background check first.


Of course I Googled him. Nothing came up.

That's a crazy story you shared! I'll keep my radar on high alert


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan H wants D
Feb H flys2 ow
Mar H Files D stuck here C19 Ldwn
Apr H bck 2 wrk
Oct D FINAL
Dec 25 Vcall 2 D4
Local of XH STILL unknown
How Date 2 w Bach2 went [Re: CanBird] #2915792
02/28/21 06:16 PM
02/28/21 06:16 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 707
HI
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
CanBird  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 707
HI
Happy to report; so we know I'm alive and well. D4 had an all day playdate while I was "adulting". Her playdate ended up with a sleepover. Not mine; too soon..lol...

Overall my date went well. I had a good time. Location was perfect beach park for bocce ball, and very picturesque being ocean side. I brought so much stuff I used a wagon..lol.. the perks of being a mom. Bach2 pulled up just shortly after I did. We text each other on our status before had, which I appreciated. He was a total gentlemen and help me with my wagon. We picked a spot, got settled and unloaded our goods to chow down on our picnic foods.

Shortly after we finished, it got a little over cast really quick. I had heard flash flood warnings, but it was so clear out. Well, we could see grey clouds coming our way, so we scrambled to pack up and I suggested we tailgate and we did.
Neither of us cared if we'd gotten wet, as we both had swim wear on. Mine was under my shorts & top. Any way, we put most everything in my truck & tailgated for a bit. I pulled out the connect 4 that I had packed and we played a few rounds of that. The conversation was easy.

When the rain stopped, the sun came back and it was clear skies ahead. We had both eaten enough, so just had a blanket and bocce and our drinks (him soda, me iced tea). We played a few rounds, chatted as we played, stopped and chatted, let some random kids play. It was all good. It was getting late, and I didn't have my phone on me; it was left in the truck. I left to check it, he went to the restroom. My friend had text and D4 ended up sleeping over her friends and that was great. No rush for me.

Bach2 and I moved our blanket to a spot for sunset, among all the other viewer, at a safe distance of course. As we were sitting, I noticed I could smell cig smoke, and it was coming from his breath. No biggy; it was in his profile as occasional. I asked him what that meant (1 pack a week), and he said he wanted to quit.... his mom had heath problems.... any way. I was turned off by the smokers breath and had no interest on getting physically closer. It was a real turn off. Prior to that, at the beginning of the date, I was still trying to figure out how I was feeling physically about him. Sure there's a little spark, he's kind of cute, but.... there's a but.... a hesitation... the little things we pick at. And I'm sure there are things about me that he might be picking apart.

The sunset, we walked to the lot, and we were parked side by side. We hugged and shrugged. What? It was nice, I enjoyed his company, I like his hugs, but I don't know if there's anything more.... We didn't say anything, and we didn't text each other that night.... we both hugged, kind of smiled and shrugged at each other like, "Yes? No? What do you think? Maybe?"

Any way, that was the date. Do I want to see him again? I don't know. What didn't I like about him? The smoking. I'm not sure he really takes care of himself (ie eats health and exercises) not looking for an athlete, but someone that cares about themselves (including cuts their toe nails...) So his physical body; it needs some tlc... I could get past that, he's got no hair under his hat (but lots coming out from the sides... does that make sense?) I may sound shallow, I admit that. I don't know about this guy. Maybe one more date? I don't know...


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan H wants D
Feb H flys2 ow
Mar H Files D stuck here C19 Ldwn
Apr H bck 2 wrk
Oct D FINAL
Dec 25 Vcall 2 D4
Local of XH STILL unknown
Re: How Date 2 w Bach2 went [Re: CanBird] #2915794
02/28/21 06:30 PM
02/28/21 06:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,098
P
pinn Offline
Member
pinn  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,098
Regardless of how it went, sound like you are doing all the right things Can. Kudos to you for getting out there. Be interested to hear if you go out again or not.

Re: How Date 2 w Bach2 went [Re: CanBird] #2915795
02/28/21 06:45 PM
02/28/21 06:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,620
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,620
Hi CanBird,

I feel you on the little things that make us say "Yes!" or "No!" on first dates. I've discarded people for reasons I regret ("wearing high heels") and ones I'm good with ("polyamorous"). Smoking is a toughie. I could tolerate "occasionally" like my brother who smokes maybe once a year if someone breaks out Cuban cigars. Toe nails? Teachable! Baldness? We all have shallow preferences. I think that's okay, as long as you don't weigh them higher than inner qualities. Marie Kondo would say move on. It's a tough call on whether a 2nd chance beats a new random date. (:


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: How Date 2 w Bach2 went [Re: CanBird] #2915798
02/28/21 07:16 PM
02/28/21 07:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,955
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,955
Just a word about the smoking - donít expect it to stop. If itís a dealbreaker for you, move on.

I overlooked smoking with crazy ex boyfriend. He was the first and only person I ever dated who smoked. He also claimed to be a light smoker who was going to quit, but he never really tried. (Mind you, Iím not blaming smokers, itís a really tough addiction to break). He was respectful, but I wouldnít pick a smoker again.

Re: How Date 2 w Bach2 went [Re: kml] #2915799
02/28/21 07:49 PM
02/28/21 07:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,886
Midwest
D
DonH Offline
Member
DonH  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,886
Midwest
Originally Posted by kml
Just a word about the smoking - donít expect it to stop. If itís a dealbreaker for you, move on.

Itís so common for people to say they are an occasional smoker. Thatís sorta like being an occasional heroine user. Sure heroin or opioids have the psychological addiction. However all of them have physical addiction. And itís nearly impossible to smoke and not become physically addicted to the nicotine. When the withdraws kick in they canít really help but feed that biological drive. Now Iíve seen people taper down to a couple a day. Itís those last couple that are hard to break. Maybe, possibly, that could be the occasional smoker. While not a pack a day or even half a pack a day itís regular and often daily. Donít trust anyone who says itís occasional. They are lying to you and to themselves. Itís their way of trying to spin or minimize the truth. Iíve met far too many who claimed to be ďoccasionalĒ and a day or two was the max they could go without.

But you knew this going in. Telling that it was an issue even though you overlooked it at the start. Toe nails. Now thatís a new one. I remember someone telling a friend of mine her next guy would have to like Oreo cookies. OMG run away. Run fast!

Youíre just not into him. And thatís okay. No harm if you want to try one more but he will still be a smoker. He will still be bald. He could cut his toe nails so 1 out of 3 maybe. There was just no spark. Thatís okay.

I agree. Youíre doing this well. Youíre taking the steps, giving the chance. Unless youíre willing to overlook a lot, as some tend to do so they can be with someone, you might find it. If you are picky and stick to you standards, itís much ,I have harder. Trust me!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: How Date 2 w Bach2 went [Re: CanBird] #2915801
02/28/21 08:40 PM
02/28/21 08:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,620
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,620
Hi Don,

Originally Posted by DonH
Telling that it was an issue even though you overlooked it at the start. Donít trust anyone who says itís occasional. They are lying to you and to themselves.

I agree her suitor is probably addicted based on wanting to quit AND not being able to go a whole date without smoking--but I disagree everyone who marks "occasional" is lying. My sister has quit and restarted countless times--she's "occasional". My brother smokes a cigar when a friend's baby is born or a friend returns from Cuba--that's less than once per year--he's also "occasional". I don't know why most become addicted to nicotine and some don't. I'm not dating yet. When I do, this thread is making me think maybe I'll clarify "occasional" before a date as a potential deal-breaker. In the past, as a non-smoker, I've had the same reaction as Canbird.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Page 7 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004