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#2907193 10/30/20 03:43 PM
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CanBird Offline OP
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When your divorce is official, and friends and neighbors ask about "your husband", what do you say? "we're not together", seems to sit well with me. As for my D4, I don't know what to say. But she needs to know soon. Her dad works out of state 6 months of the year, and would "normally" be done & back around now- November. Everyone who knows us, knows this or at least asks, when is he back? I've got to tell D4 something before I start sharing with others, outside my closest circle of friends.

I have no need to contact him, other than needing to know about child support. It starts, but I don't know exactly how & when. Of course, it's in the papers. I've got a number to call for that. And a few others for assistace if need be.

This is first post on this board. I was on MLC, although myx might turnout to be a WAS. He works out of state 6 months, has been away since April. We have one child together, D4. April was the last time he saw either of us face to face. He's reached out here & there with messages for her, videos, photos etc etc. I have no idea what comes next. Xh has OW, from his past, from another country (EU), ten yr younger than him. Apparently, he contacted her a few years ago. He'd never gotten over her. Ugh...whatever..barf..barf....

I got my divorce papers in the mail Monday. He's done his seasonal 6 months of out of state work. I assume this because I got my official papers. His copy was sent here too. I'm tempted to "return to sender", and his lawyers office can send it off to him, where ever he maybe. I dont know, I dont ask. D4 has not asked either. But she will.

Now what? I just started a new part-time job. I'll have benifits in January. I am also working on getting my citizenship. We live reside in the home xh & I own. No plans to sell, we'll split it 50/50 if that happens. I have ownership of the vehicle I drive.

In the agreement, he's to cover the mortgage, which is in his name. Bills and a loan, are covered by our rental income, that I maintain & I manage. M payments, are in his name, and have been "onhold"/forbearance, due to Covid. He's covered some home insurance costs. But other than monies from our rental has covered most bills. As long as it's rented with someone that pays. Hard times 2020.

"Every New beginning comes from some other beginnings end."


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2907234 10/30/20 11:59 PM
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kml Offline
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Did MIL ever come to stay with you? (I remember that being a plan at one point)?
As for telling D4, I’d keep it simple and unemotional. Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be married anymore but Daddy will always be her daddy.

What’s your response going to be if your ex wants to come and stay like he did last time when he was done with his gig?

kml #2907265 10/31/20 08:20 AM
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
Did MIL ever come to stay with you? (I remember that being a plan at one point)?
As for telling D4, I’d keep it simple and unemotional. Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be married anymore but Daddy will always be her daddy.

What’s your response going to be if your ex wants to come and stay like he did last time when he was done with his gig?


Hi kml. MIL did not return. She wanted to come in June. Covid had hit her state bad. The job I almost started was apprehensive about her staying with me. I struggled to find other last minute, full-time help quick enough, locally. They hired someone else. All good. She had appointments she could break anyway.

I like what you've suggested I could say to D4. Simple.

I doubt my x will return. It'd be too uncomfortable for me to have him here.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2907288 10/31/20 02:52 PM
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I wouldn’t put it past ex to just show up and expect to be there while he visits D. You might want to short-circuit that by simply asking him for his forwarding address for the divorce papers. That gives HIM the opportunity to say “oh, I thought I’d just pick them up when I get there” and gives YOU the opportunity to let him know you’re not comfortable with him staying there.

CanBird #2907333 11/01/20 02:12 PM
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Hi Can,

Just popping by to say I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you and your little D are doing. Glad you’re staying strong.

Stay safe.

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had a few great conversations today with MIL & Step-MIL. My first conversation was with MIL. Started with a video chat between her & D4. Then I had a chance to chat. D4 was out of ear shot, but I asked MIL if I could call her, as to keep our conversation a bit more private. We kept the video on & mute.
I was honest and let her know the divorce was final and shared I didn't know where "Waldo" was. (New name for the X) I can only assume he was finishing his, out of state work, or done work and going home to his siblings & mom or going to EU to be with OW/xgf from his past. I was never really sure if MIL knew, but she does now. I thought Waldo told her, he had said once he may or may not have. Not sure. Well, as I was rambling on...the truth be told. Not the nitty gritty, but enough to let her know there was more to than Waldo's story than what he was tell. She was pissed. Shocked. His behavior all made more sense. And as I shared more details of the person he'd become, the not so nice guy wecuse to now, she was shaking her head in disappointment. He had become just like his dad, the not so nice parts. She was fuming. I thought she knew, and hey, maybe she did? Either way, I can talk openly about with her now.

My conversation with StepMIL, was a bit similar, but she already knows all the nitty gritty details about the OW/xgf. She didn't know the divorce was final nor did my FIL. And to my surprise, but not surprised, apparently Waldo never told his dad about the OW/xgf. I was SO pIssed. I could not believe what a coward Waldo was. But then again, poor Waldo right? Doesn't want anyone to know or judge him, so just dont say anything. Unreal. StepMIL also shared that Waldo's dad tried to get him to open up/confess, opened the conversation to let him know it was safe to talk about. Waldo stuck with his MLC story.

This new revolation has me wondering is there MORE to this story? What else is Waldo hiding? Nothing is surprising right?

Besides all that, we are making it work. That is MY goal. MY focus. The best revenge is success. And that's empowering. I do need to GAL, but right now my focus is being the best I can be and work hard at my new job and keep it. I enjoy it and feel blessed to be there, especially now.



Last edited by job; 11/13/20 02:44 PM. Reason: edited language

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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CanBird Offline OP
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Seems silly. Just say the truth! This is the time of year he'd be returning from his seasonal job. EVERYONE is asking. I hate it. I hate it less than last year..lol ...at least I'm not in limbo and I know he's not coming home. Even though he has a D4, that he hasn't physically seen him since April (due to his work...and this is normal) I'm 99.9% sure he will come to this state when he's done work.

Neighbors will be easier to talk with. They always saythings like "..he'll be home soon?..when will he be home?" . ... How do I say it? I'm really not sure of his plans, things are different...(insert "break-up" hand gesture here). My D4 is always with me, and she doesn't know.

Close friends ask. If D4 is not with me I will open up. Then these's the friends that live else where. Asking via text or through social media. I've just skirted around the question. I know its not right. They deserve the truth.

I havent said anything to my D4. Do I? She's so use to him not being hete, since birth really, he's always worked away 1/2 the year. It's normal for her & I. Now he's just traveling and when he wants to see her he will/can. *He did make an effort while at work to have contact via video chats..etc etc.* now everything has stopped. Nothing since Halloween. His loss. I dont force her to contact him either. I just follow her lead on that.

How do you say it? I hate the big D word. "We're not together.. things have changed"... People can come to their own conclusions. I do add that it's not what I wanted.

Not taking out a billboard add, but gearing up for more reveals.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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I don't know much about your sitch and frankly, don't have time to go back and play catch up now, but something in your recent post made me feel compelled to comment. Listen, I GET IT more than you will possibly know. That big ole D word SUX and it was so very hard for me to say because I felt like I was somehow being judged as a failure when I dared to utter it. I couldn't even say it to my parents and my siblings at first, despite the fact that my parents are divorced from each other and my brother is divorced. Just not a word I ever thought I would use in reference to myself. And, you say at the end that you want to say your not together, things have changed and let people figure it out and you add it is not what you wanted.

Girl, let me just tell you, that very last phrase rang SO loudly true in my head that it was almost as if I had typed it myself. I didn't want a D either. I just came home from work one day and my XH dropped the big atom bomb on me and I had NO idea it was coming. I was devastated and lost, confused. It didn't take many tears or much conversation to realize that he was dead set and I pretty quickly came to the realization that I was not going to beg or plead with a so-called man who didn't want to be with me to stay. He wanted us to tell everyone the D was mutual and that we had grown apart. I didn't want to say anything at all because it was too painful. We settled on he could tell what he wanted and I wouldn't contradict him, but the fact that he was "finding the love of his life" just 2 short weeks after our D was final was pretty telling to our friends and family and they all put 2 and 2 together, just like I did, and now he looks like the bad guy. For me, it still took a few months to say "D" but counseling helped. I urge you to not lag too long in learning to be open about it and putting it out there because it isn't going to change or go away. As far as your D4, you should be honest with her, but on the level that she understands. She may not understand divorce per se at her age. She'll follow your lead though. I don't have any great advice for you here because our kids were adults when we D'ed.

I think skirting the issue or just kind of downplaying it is not healthy for you or D4. Again, she's little so she might not understand divorce so it is good that you don't necessarily go into a lot of detail when people ask in front of her, but a quick, simple aside out of her ear shot will be more freeing than you can imagine. I swear when I finally brought myself to say it, it was like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I didn't feel like I had an albatross around my neck anymore.

I still don't like the word and I'm married to someone else now, who also knows the pain of D, but I just know that there are so many who have lived through it in this day and age that people are more understanding and accepting of it now.

Hang in there!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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CanBird Offline OP
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Thanks Dawn70. I'm sharing my status with friends more. It's freeing.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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What would have been another anniversary came & went. It was an odd day. It did and didnt bother me. I'm so busy with my new job that I'm finding that's occupying my brain more than my x. Of course I have moments, but those are getting less & less.

My GALA (Get A Life Again) actively during my off days was water color paintings. Something I can do with my D4. I had 2 small canvases that depicted myx and I. I painted over him. It felt good. I dont do a lot, because Ive got a lot going on. But soon smile

Journaling is something I need to get back into. I stopped because I couldnt face the truth on paper. Now that I'm fully excepting the truth, slowly I'm seeing a shift in myself. I'm the focus again. We get off balance sometimes.

Seems every week I tell my truth to someone new. Especially because people are going to start asking. I'm just sick of holding it in. I actually think it's physically and certainly mentally effecting me. DUH. no kidding right? I've never saught counciling for myself, but might. We'll see.

My D4 has been having accidents lately. Not with me, but nanny. Today she pooped her pants. And twice has peed. Not sure whats going on. She doesn't say. Hasn't asked about her dad. I dont bring him up. Should I? Still not sure how to start the conversation. She's 4! Thinking that waiting for her to talk about it is best. I guess?


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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