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Originally Posted by greenman
Took me a year, but getting off Facebook is helping greatly. Should have done so early on but I was too busy worried about what she was doing.


If more LBSs would jettison SM they'd DB so much better.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by greenman
Took me a year, but getting off Facebook is helping greatly. Should have done so early on but I was too busy worried about what she was doing.


If more LBSs would jettison SM they'd DB so much better.


I agree wholeheartedly. The LBS just can't resist touching the hot stove.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Man times are tough. I don’t say anything to her but she plans on taking kids over there tonight with OM. She told me she will sleep in seperate rooms so they don’t figure it out and it doesn’t hurt them. I appreciate that at least. But it doesn’t help how torn up I am.

I think it’s obvious but this D and her leaving me for this friend have just totally destroyed me. I have times of the day most of the day that I try to do other things to keep my mind of her but I can’t. I have a churning in the pit of my stomach that just is utter fear, defeat, regret and just suffering. I really miss her, I can’t stand that he has her now. And that she just walked away with him from everything we had. I don’t say anything but this just kills me inside. I think when I get my next day off I’m going to the VA hospital to see my psychiatrist for depression medication. I’m in such a low and dark place and I cannot breathe. I have every right to hate her guts and I can’t I Just want her to come home. And I know that either she never will, or it won’t be for a long time. 6 months at least from now to a couple years. And that’s if OM doesn’t pan out. The signs are there that she is serious enough to lie to all of us, hurt the kids, destroy our family make us sell the home lie lie lie and move in with him. Sometimes I try to focus on the anger and betrayal. But that doesn’t last long I just end up missing her.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve,

I'm sorry you're hurt and going through this.

I understand that you want your wife back but that shouldn't be your focus right now. You're focus should be on you and your kids.

Your best shot at getting her back is to improve yourself and honestly I think once you get there you may not want her back.

From what I've read she's left you 5 different times? correct me if I'm wrong.

You're selling yourself short by thinking you deserve that.

Steve how long has it been since bomb day?

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I decided to stop trying to go this alone. I called my doctor and made an appointment for mental health at the VA. My sitch isn’t gonna just turn around if I do X or Y it’s going to take time. I know time is on my side no matter how this pans out. It’s just tough. Honestly I’m really depressed. Thanks for not giving up on my everyone. I know I’ve done a lot of mistakes. But I’m trying to move on the right way.

Bomb day was like 2 months ago. But OM being my friend and it all was a lie that she wanted space and freedom and realizing it was him was exactly a week ago.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/03/20 10:38 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve, mate, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, and know that you are not alone in feeling this way. I have no doubt the majority in here have felt this way at one time or another. Sooner or later you have to make a choice. You do know that deep down this will not last forever, no matter what happens, so why not choose today to be the day it stops. You have a choice, it may not happen immediately but the choice is yours, you have the control. I felt like this just yesterday, so I cried then I wrote a letter getting all my anger out, then I went and had an awesome afternoon with my S4. I read some positive inspiring posts on here and told myself today is the day I stop talking about it, I stop focusing on her and I start becoming the man that I want to be. Guess what Steve, I feel better today. Maybe it will only last until the next time, but maybe the next time is weeks or months away and lasts hours instead of days.

You got this mate, but it won’t just happen automatically. Forget this idea of if you can just get through six months that she might be back, or if it ends with OM there’ll be a chance. The future does not exist, deal with what is happening now, and that is that you are strong and capable and you can do this.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Steve,

OB is right that many of us here have been where you are. I understand the pain and am sorry you're going through it.

I think its a great idea to get some outside help.

It wont last forever. It gets better.
Im 5 months out and its gotten a lot easier.

OB is spot on that it wont happen automatically.
Sometimes its easier to stay down and wallow in the pain but it will only make it worse.

Incremental improvement is unstoppable in my opinion. Try to make progress everyday even if its small.
You do that for enough days in a row and after a few months youll be amazed at your progress.

Its got to be a conscious decision you make to move on and accept whats happened.


Don't focus on a timeline of how long it will take to get her back, that's the exact opposite of what you need to be doing.
Focus on a timeline for yourself. Set some goals for YOU.

Set a goal for 7 days
set a goal for 30 days
set a goal for 90 days
set a goal for 6 months.

Set these goals and then use incremental improvement to go after these things and achieve them.
It will help you get your confidence back.

Get brutally honest with yourself.
What are some things that you've been putting off. What are some things you've always wanted but never tried.
Set some goals and go after them steve.

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Yeah I think I’ll set it here so I can hold myself accountable:

Friday move in. Have a friend stay with me so I don’t stay alone.

Next Friday: have not called her, texted her or anything besides kids/work.

The Friday after that: find a gym for cheap and get signed up. See a psychiatrist get on
Depression meds (VA Takes awhile so I’ll start taking the Zoloft I have on hand and get a RX later)

When my STBXW is having her surgery and i have the kids the two weeks take them fishing or do something fun with them that I can afford.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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She's a player, Steve, and she's going to continue playing games with you, until she's convinced you can't be manipulated. She'll ask what's wrong. She'll be all nice-nice. She'll have a pity-party. She'll try to get you to rescue her. She'll test you every way imaginable. Photo of her walking? That's a test. Sending you a meme? It's a test. Photos of the kids? Test. Text you "good morning"? It's a test. Ask how you are feeling? Test! Act flirty? Same test! Want to cry on your shoulder? Same test! She will say or do anything to get a response from you. What will really tick her off is to ignore her, but at this particular time slot......that's what you basically have to do, or you'll get sucked into her game playing. So, your biggest challenge will be to keep your mouth closed and don't respond. At this particular stage, I'd even suggest you forget validating her feelings for the time being. I get really frustrated at LBH's always trying to work a validation into the conversation, and I see him getting side-tracked and pulled in, and he doesn't even know it. He thinks he is DBing. My advice for your current situation is don't have conversations with her! Have you ever broke up with a girl/woman you could no longer tolerate? That's kind of how you have to initially act toward the WW. Remember this, Steve, it is not about how well you treat her or even how much you love her. It's all about respect. Look up the definite for "wayward". There is nothing you can say to her that will turn her around. The status of your MR has changed, and currently, you cannot show what a terrific, sweet H you can be to her. If there is no respect for the man, there will be no romantic love/attraction from the woman. There is only one thing a WW respects in a man, and it's masculine confidence & strength.

I want to comment about something else. Remember when she got so mad over her parents learning the truth, and accused you of betraying her? Do you see the craziness here? Want to hear something that is even more crazy than the WW accusing her LBH of betraying her? It's the LBH thinking he is suppose to cover for his cheating wayward W. What?! He has some type of mindset that he has to prove she can trust him. She's the liar and cheat, and she's expecting you to cover her a$$ while she carries on with OM, and deceives her family while she does it. You've helped to cover up the truth, and I promise you it will not earn her respect or love.

With that said, I'm not telling you to expose her to the world. I'm just saying that this is the wrong type of mindset for the LBH to have with a WW. She will twist you so many ways you won't recognize yourself anymore. I can't begin to tell how many cases I've seen where the WW turns it on the LBH, and tells him she can't trust him. It is one of her favorite manipulations. It takes the spotlight off her indiscretions and focuses on the LBH. See what I mean?

Here's the problem. You looked at the mistakes you made in the relationship and decided to 180 those things she complained about. Sounds reasonable, except it doesn't work with a wayward W. She has removed herself from the umbrella of benefits she would receive as your W. Your protection, for example. B/c you are a decent guy and want to prove what a good husband you can be, you entered this covert contact to help her lie and deceive people. You have been dumped, duped and played. It's time to shut down the nice-guy, and find that man who values himself more than this.

You can't begin to comprehend the cold & selfish mindset of the WW! The kinder you are to her, the worse she'll treat you. Your NGS killed the attraction, and she uses your NGS to manipulate you. How dare she bawl you out for not covering her lies to her parents! Do you see what I'm saying?

I think you are rather proud of your nice-guy ways, and are very offended that she did not appreciate them. It makes no sense, right? It will probably take you a long time before you begin to understand the unattractive side of NGS in the MR. I think you may have a little trouble knowing where your need for people pleasing ends, and where your self respect begins. I encourage you to continue studying about NGS, b/c you will do the same thing in the next relationship if you don't really get the issue in NGS and how it affects romantic long-term relationships. Don't think you will be able to approach her another way to show her something different about yourself. At this point, you need to let it go.

This entire time you have been focused on her. You can't heal or move forward very well until you stop trying to change her mind. It's time for you to go into self protection mode.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi. I will definitely take that to heart. I see now no matter what I do or say it’s pointless this is over and I need to just let her go.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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