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A Message from Michele
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Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907394
11/02/20 09:59 AM
11/02/20 09:59 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
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Mumin Online
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Mumin  Online
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Thought this was a great post in regards to telling the kids.

Originally Posted by Vapo
IMO you should have taken your S's side in the argument and be a leader of the family. I think your son was sort of counting on you to have his back. Try to be more alpha.

With that in mind I agree with you to not play the D as a "mutual" thing. That being said, it is not the paramount thing here. I do believe this is what LH had in mind. If you go on a defensive from the start, the true message will be lost. And the true message is twofold:

1. what ever happens, your kids must be ABSOLUTELY sure that you love them both.

AND

2. they have to know that the divorce is NOT their fault in any shape or form. And this point must be reiterated several times during the conversation.

With that being said, the end point is that it IRRELEVANT who's fault the divorce is. The truth will come out sooner or later and rest assured, the truth will come out. I would suggest you and your W agree prior to the talk that you will not go down the mutual D talk road .


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907412
11/02/20 02:56 PM
11/02/20 02:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Mumin, yes that is a good post. Keeps the two most important aspects of telling the kids in mind. However, Steve_ sitch is a bit different in that his WW already took it upon herself to tell the kids. This is why I am not sure why he thought this extra month mattered. It seemed like misplaced importance that Steve_ was placing on this extra month. "The kids won't be at her place with OM for another month." Control. "She seemed upset about me moving out." NGS

Steve_ has struggled with trying to control what he can't, and continuing to give in to his NGS. It is time he starts working on both of those things. Nothing frustrates a LBH more than trying to control what he has no control over. Nothing complicates DBing more than a LBH that has unchecked NGS. Until he reigns in his desire to control what he can't, and his NGS he will continue to struggle and be stuck in place. Which is why I was trying to get him to see that his arbitrary Dec. 1st move out was a fallacy.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907421
11/02/20 05:20 PM
11/02/20 05:20 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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unchien Offline
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unchien  Offline
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Mumin I also agree that it is irrelevant whose fault the divorce is.

Parents over-focus on this aspect. I choose to believe that consistent parenting, showing my kids I love them unconditionally, is much more important than trying to convince them of the rightness of my version of the past.

Hopefully when my kids are grown up I can look back and say I was right to believe this.

Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907423
11/02/20 05:23 PM
11/02/20 05:23 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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unchien Offline
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And Steve_ ... listen to Steve85.

What you can actually control in your life is so so little. Let go of the reins a bit.

You are in the middle of the tailspin. I know what it feels like and it's excruciating. Trust in the vets here. These people helped me through some very very difficult times. They know what they are talking about.

Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907436
11/02/20 07:25 PM
11/02/20 07:25 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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Posts: 340
Well she texted me a bunch of crazy stuff today. I responded gently and calmly. It was going to be a long texting back and forth regarding bills so I called her. She was crying. She said I just woke up and I said no, your crying.. she said ďIím fineĒ she went on to explain how the extra month of rent on the house hurt her and she needed the deposit back for something. She began to blame her financial struggles on me and then lamented that she doesnít want to have to get serious with OM to get the money she needs. I seen this for what it is.. manipulation. I just said look, if itís that important for you I will cover the last months rent on the house with my deposit. And Iíll come up with the rest. I know that the rent was my job to cover so Iíll do it. Also Iím getting the apartment Friday so Iílll move my stuff out of the storage. I did send you half the money for the storage. She tried to continue being upset and mad and then asked me to pay the kids life insurance policies I told her no, thatís what I pay child support for. I took the day off yesterday because she had plans and then picked up another day to cover it, sent her my schedule for the month and said here is the update. She responded with Okay, thank you.

I have been doing my best to do the right thing here. Be very understanding and supportive of this situation. I donít beg her back I donít whine that I miss her I just pretty much give her room and donít ask questions. When she comes to me to fight I defuse it and I donít let her go to bed angry with me ever. If she has to force herself to hate me to justify what she is doing she gonna have to become an archaeologist to dig up the past because Iíve been super cool through all this. Iím sure that pisses her off too lol. Once I get into the apartment Friday things will be easier for me and I am starting to really see just how morally corrupt and selfish she is being. Sheís on a path of destruction. Iím just waving the traffic by smiling. My father in law said today ďSteve you donít have to do that, but I know you are doing the right thing, I donít know how you take this so lightly, hang in thereĒ it was nice to hear.

Iíve given up hope she will stop this and come back. At least not any time soon. Itís like LH19 said, it will be a long haul. It absolutely rips my guts out she left me for this guy but I just keep quiet and keep it to myself and my marriage therapist friends at work. They donít even know how I can go to work, honestly me either. This will get better I think letting go of my hope helps. I know come Dec 1st she will stay with OM. No sense in thinking anything else.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/02/20 07:33 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She moved out 10/15/20 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907461
11/02/20 09:06 PM
11/02/20 09:06 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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I am speechless. Steve_ good luck buddy, I'll pop in occasionally to give you moral support.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907466
11/02/20 09:18 PM
11/02/20 09:18 PM
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Gigi123 Offline
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Steve, the best thing that happened to me was asking H to leave our home! It was 2 months after he broke things off, we still lived together and it was torture for me. I dont know how other people do it, how they share the house and detach. Distance was so crucial to me detaching from H, breaking the emotional attachment.

Our comma now is minimal, only about kids or any logistics. Am i fully detached? Ill be honest if we didnt have two beautiful children i would be NC! The only thing that bothers me now (7 months after bd) is the aitch with the kids. The rest is totally irrelevant, his constant parking fines, his occasionally unnecessary lies and so on, its like i have immunity to it now.

You will get there, but i honestly think you need to get away from her as far away as possible. It could be years, it could be never. It could be too late, and u simply wont be interested.

Kids-your kids will be fine, providing that you are their rock. Be their stability, provide them with emotional safety.

Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907475
11/02/20 09:45 PM
11/02/20 09:45 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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Posts: 340
Yeah I donít plan on being around her, Iím going to start avoiding her like the plague. There is quite literally nothing else for us to talk about now. The last of the financials are done, she knows what the arrangement with the apartment is. The child care is sorted and everything is on the table now so there is no need to have any words with her, no need for me to see her. Iím going to just pull back and walk away from this. There is no way she is leaving him soon. I can see that. Everything she said to me was bulls*#t. All of itís been that way. Sheís been a lying cheating scumbag who left me for a lying cheating scumbag. From this point on whatever happens next is on her. Part of me wants to just tell everyone what she and he did but itís not my place so Iíll just let it unravel on itís own. She deserves whatever is coming her way after this.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/02/20 09:46 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She moved out 10/15/20 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907488
11/02/20 10:59 PM
11/02/20 10:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,658
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Thornton Offline
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Holy smokes!

I havenít been following your thread but I saw the last few posts.

Steve, you are doing this is all wrong. Giving her money (or any kind of assistance while she is with OM) is pursuit and a big no-no.

Your W clearly manipulates you, because she knows she can. Why do you play along? She canít love you if she doesnít respect you. And she very clearly does not respect you, at all.

Have you read Divorce Remedy?

Re: Steve_letting go part 1 [Re: Steve_] #2907489
11/02/20 11:09 PM
11/02/20 11:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
I have not but I ordered it. I did not give her money. I just simply agreed to pay the final rent on the house we did not move into. My job was always to pay the rent so I just agreed to do it one last time. We were not expecting an additional month of rent after vacating the home before nov 1. And because the deposit was put in I agreed to split it and just use my half for the rent. Itís not like I was over here offering to give her money for things. I havenít given her $1. Besides what was agreed to when she filed D. This was an unexpected expense and one i always took care of for the previous 10 years.

I know thatís why you said what you said Steve85. But what I did today was not NGS or pursuit. I told her I wonít pay extra for the kids life insurance either she can take it out of the child support. I did it because it was the right thing to do and Iím not trying to have her fight me for more money before we fill out the financials on the D papers. If I get into it now over 450$ it will cost me much later. I chose my battle not about pursuing at all.

I can assure you guys you will be much happier with how I do moving forward. Yesterday was an awakening. Iím just going to move on with my life seperate from her quietly and calmly. I wonít let her BS storm shake me. I spent the day seperating my accounts, getting my money in order and getting ready to move Friday. Picking up extra shifts at work and so on. I have no delusion she will come back. Iím looking forward to not wanting her anymore in a few months actually.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/02/20 11:14 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She moved out 10/15/20 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
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