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Originally Posted by Indy470
LH,

Im truly sorry to hear that. I hope your day is going good and youve had a chance to talk to your soon and wish him a happy birthday.


I got to spend three hours with him today. He loved the couple gifts I got him. Its all good its my new norm now.

I want you to learn from your sitch so when you do have kids you dont have to split time. Look for red flags and do not ignore them. Look at her parents relationship because that means a lot.


M:51 W:46
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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by Indy470
Just drove home from work crying and screaming viscerally.

I dont understand this kind of pain.

I am beyond sorry to everyone on here trying to save your marriage that feels this on a daily basis.

Im 7 months in, thought Id be further along.


Indy, you are not alone my friend. Do not feel bad, I do not believe anyone deserves this kind of pain. Take heart in the knowledge that others here have been through what you are feeling and have come out of it not only feeling happier than ever, but as truly improved people.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
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BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by LH19
[Look for red flags and do not ignore them. Look at her parents relationship because that means a lot.


I think this is super important. When you meet someone you fall head over heels with and you are young, it is so easy to ignore those red flags. Once something like this happens, they seem to stick out like sore thumbs, so obvious in hindsight. Its ok to make a mistake once, its not ok to make the same mistake twice.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Indy470 Offline OP
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LH, Gigi, 97, OB

Thank you guys, seriously it means a lot.

I just deleted 18,000 photos from my phone and iCloud that included wedding, engagement and so many other memories we created over the last 10 years.

Ive gotten rid of everything except my wedding ring. Quit wearing it on the day we filed but didnt want to get rid of it.

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Thats a lot of pictures!

What was the last convo like Indy?


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Ya youre not kidding LH.

Last conversation was nothing special. She said she didnt know what she wanted still and I said thats fine, its time for us to divorce.

She did try to push back, told me shes not seeing OM and said that I was being unfair and giving up.

Honestly I had had enough and just shut it down. I told her I didnt want to hear anything else and that it was done.

In the end for me, it didnt matter if she was still seeing OM,

The problem happened 7 months ago, when she cheated.

Her first reaction should have been remorse, regret and a willingness to give her husband whatever he needed to move forward with her.

It wasnt. It was selfishness and manipulation.

For us to have had a chance at recon it would have had to have been different from the start.

Who knows, maybe even if she started late.

But here we are 7 months later and all Ive received is disrespect, manipulation, breadcrumbs and her ability to do what she wants regardless of how it affects others, even the one person she made a commitment too.

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LH in all honesty,

I think sometimes people think your harsh on here (including myself at the start) but I think you have a really good understanding on relationships and respect.

I get the sense that youve put so much work into understanding these things.

I also get the sense that your XW broke your heart at the time and Im sorry for that.

I know its been a long time and youre doing good in life but still Im sorry.

I get the sense that you are a good guy.

LH I read 3% man and am reading his other book currently.

Best book recommendation Ive got so far.

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Indy,

Thank you for that last post it choked me up a little.

I know I can be harsh but sometimes its the only way I feel like I can get through to people. Your situation especially because I know you didnt do anything to deserve it.

I have spent a lot of time reading and researching this stuff so if I am able to shed some light Im happy to do so.

As for my ex wife I dont know if she broke my heart as much as disappointed me that our family wasnt worth fighting for. Thats the part Ill probably never get over.

3% man has set the stage for how I live my life.

Im really sorry this happened to you Indy but you will come out stronger. Then I promise you.


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LH,

Thats a very good reason and I think necessary. I know for me in the beginning I was so wrapped up in the idea that my wife loved me and was just making a mistake that I couldnt hear it. Really crazy to look back at my old post now. I can see the naivety.

My wife was gone long before BD and her actions post BD should have had me walking away immediately .

Ultimately Im not mad at myself for waiting though. Ive learned a lot about myself, relationships, different attachments, personality types, communication and so much more.

I think one of the biggest take aways for me is to not project my feelings onto someone else.

After her affair I was believing the projection I had created of my wife based on my feeling for her. I wasnt looking at the reality of her telling me she wanted to end our marriage, had an affair and was no longer in love with me.

Although I would never tell her this I am also grateful because I do believe I got to experience what it feels like to truly love someone with every inch of my being, not saying that was reciprocated from her but I am grateful for the experience of being able to give that to someone.

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LH,

Just reread over that and thinking about what you said about your family wasnt worth fighting for.

Thats wrong. Your family was worth fighting for. You said vows to a person and started a family with that person under the highest level of commitment.

That is worth fighting for man. I would argue its probably the relationship that is most worth fighting for. The problem is its a battle where two people have to be on the same side of the fight.

Unfortunately you got a bad partner and you had to not only fight that alone but you also had to lose that fight alone.


Your family was worth it, she just didnt see it. Even if she never does it doesnt change the fact that your family was worth it.

I know youre a strong guy, just putting my thoughts out there.


My views on a lot of this have changed so much.

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