Steve_ holding on part 2.

[Traveler]

That’s what she asked for so that’s what she will get from now on.

Hi Steve_, she did not ask for you to "I’m saying things matter of fact, as little as possible, trying to get out of the house anytime she is around, just let her feel what life without me is like as much as possible." You're making the choice to do this, which I support as wise and healthy.

[Steve_]

I feel like I did the right thing doing that. Since then she has only called me once which i didn’t answer and kept things about the kids as I asked. I feel it was the right thing to do because it’s uncomfortable, it feels wrong, it’s hard and is not reassuring. That’s why I feel it’s probably the right thing to do at this point.

I honestly think that when I look back an OM makes sense to fill in every gap that’s happened, every lie, every story and I refused to see it holding on to hope. She even told me not to, that she needed to work it out alone. I’m not gonna like I have still a little ember of hope for recon and I don’t want to give up, but I know that the chances are really slim. She has done a whole lot to be with OM and her feelings gotta be prettty strong over there. I did the best thing I could have done and stopped feeding in. Now that she doesn’t have me pushing, hopefully his pulling will have to increase to maintain this over her guilt. I know she probably isn’t feeling the pain totally yet because I’ve been there on stand by. But I will continue to do this and just hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I applied for a townhouse apartment for me and the kids to live in today. I didn’t tell her. I think me saying things to her anymore is just giving her reassurance. All I have been doing is letting her walk away real easy from a good loyal man of 10 years. I need to cut that out and just move on like she isn’t coming back, because I think she actually may not this time. As hard as it is to admit, she may not come back and I have to face that and be a man now. It’s just hard to do. I really loved her, still do, but it’s unhealthy for me to continue this way. And I see that now. At this point there is nothing I can do, it’s in gods hands now.

[Steve_]

Well her test came sooner than i thought. She face timed me today to ask about the kids i did not answer it. In a text after A few minutes she said she just wanted to talk to the kids. So I had my daughter call her on her iPad and went outside so I wasn’t on the call.

About 2 hours later she sends me a meme that has a picture of a bus trying to cross a train track the bus says “me trying to be nice” the train hitting it says “the things I say”. I didn’t respond to it. I am pretty sure she is trying to test me to see if I will even respect my own boundaries or she wants to see if I really did give up on her after telling her I know she’s lying it’s probably one of the two. But this is a micro transaction, this isn’t pursuit, recon, nothing. She still lives her own life with someone else, until that changes I’m sticking to my boundary. If I don’t she will never respect me since I don’t respect myself, and she can’t love me again if she don’t respect me at least. And maybe she never will love me again and she’s just messing with me because she likes to feel wanted by as many people as she can. Since I was her last safe place and pretty much cut her off all she has is whatever is out there. I hope she is happy with her choice. But I don’t think she is, she even said that. The moment i stop pushing she pursues. Every time. I hate this game.

[Gigi123]

Steve are in ic? I personally found it really helpful at the start. I only needed a couple of sessions, some benefit from ingoing support, and this is only from your messages as i do t know you, but i would say you need support in understanding yoir self worth, self esteem, understanding your own needs and boundaries and what you are willing to accept.

I know its fairly early days, but you are still second guessibg your W, you are still explaining. You had your s last chat, thats it. You dont need to tell her stop calling me, you just stop responding. She will catch on! Believe me when my H wants to speak he will txt asking of they are free?!! This is normal, as it might be an inconvenient time.

It feel like there is still so much emphasis on your W and so little on you! And in all of this, whichever way it ends, you are the most important person. When you are ok your kids will be too. So shift it from your W and thinking about her to you and the kids and thinking-what is the best for you?

[SteveLW]

Steve_ a couple of things.

First, boundaries are for you, not her. Boundaries trying to force behavior from her are wrong and have no chance of working. So how boundaries really should work is:

"If she says/does X, I will do Y."

Give you an example.

"If she sleeps with someone else, I will go file for D."

You have no control over X, but you do Y. Your boundary is that you will stand up for yourself in the face of poor behavior from her.

Second, ever see Star Wars? Remember what Princess Leia says to Darth Vader? "The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers!" This is wisdom for the LBS. Steve_ since BD you have been trying to tighten your grip, and more of her has been slipping through your fingers. This is why you have to completely let go.

And I agree with Gigi, you should be in IC weekly right now.

[mtb1981]

Steve, you are a rollercoaster, buddy...

1) Stop talking. You feel the need to explain everything to her. I get it. I was there. Stop talking. it will do you no good and only cause problems. Stop talking.

2) Focus on only yourself and your kids. Don't make excuses to bring her into your area of focus. You and your kids are the only important thing now. Don't worry about what she says or does. If it doesn't involve you and your kids, it is not important.

3) It's time for you to have an affair. An affair with yourself. Love yourself. Do things for yourself. Find a new place for yourself. And keep all the info to yourself. She's not broadcasting the details of her affair. You don't need to broadcast the details of your affair with yourself

4) STOP TALKING...

[Steve_]

Well it finally happened. I guess confronting her she couldn't make up any more lies. She admitted to me today that It was the friend of the family. She admitted its the guy that I was friends with, that our kids were friends with his kids and even my wife was friends with his wife, we went camping together, our families went to family functions together. This is so painful I cannot take it. So when she admitted it I just said this "Thanks for telling me the truth, this is really messed up. But I understand why you did this. I let you down I admit it. But he was my friend, Ill never speak to him again. Don't worry Im not gonna go beat his ass or anything, if this is what you want there is nothing I can do, I hope your happy now, this has cost all of us a lot."

I am the only one that knows, she told me this "Its not final you know, we are happy like together but I never see him, hes always gone, there will be a lot of issues, I know that already, Its not like I have made up my mind completely, Im watching him, Im watching you, and you have made so many changes and believe me I see them. She said things aren't set and this is not all for sure, anything could happen" I just told her "I gotta go to work now, bye"

Eventually I told her "I know that you did what you did for a reason, its very hurtful and I hope you understand that as long as he is in your life I cannot be in it, if you change your mind let me know, otherwise there is nothing to talk about anymore."

She just replied with "ok"

So it seems like at least I know what happened, that I wasn't crazy, that it was all lies and I got some closure now. It [censored] that these two would leave their kids and marriages for one another, the guilt and shame of this will pile up and they are doomed my kids and his kids are gonna be pissed the whole family will be pissed. But that's their problem. Im F'in done man. I gave it my best shot and she even saw it. Unless its about the children I absolutely refuse to speak to her. She made her choice now its time for her to face it. Without me being there to be her friend. I don't think I should go tell everyone, that would just make her blame me for blowing up her life. Im just gonna do something 180 from everything I want to do: nothing. I even went to work today on my day off. I don't want to be around her, I don't want to speak to her. She needs to lose me and I need to let myself grieve and be angry for awhile.

[Steve_]

I don't know how to proceed forward with this. She gets really upset and justifes when I cut her off. But Im afraid if im too nice she will just do it anyways.

She did agree to me to not bring the kids around him until she is 100% sure this is what she wants. Part of me really wants to tell everyone what they are doing and nuke this thing. But I know that would make me the bad one she cant trust and ultimately it will come out anyways. People are starting to figure things out. I think what I should do is just stop talking to her. Stop saying anything. And when I have no choice be pleasant. Maybe this thing will self-destruct and I wont have to do much at all.

[ovrrnbw]

You outing her affair isn't morally right nor wrong IMO nor would it destroy trust. You can't destroy what she already destroyed and simply isn't there.

I sense you taking responsibility for her choice to have an affair. Again.

Please stop. Take back your respect.

I know you are hurting but know this gets better. Also remember that you can't talk her back into this either.

Try to let go emotionally and think logically. Do things you like for now and take care of your self and your kids first.

[BL42]

Steve_,

Well it finally happened. I guess confronting her she couldn't make up any more lies. She admitted to me today that It was the friend of the family. She admitted its the guy that I was friends with, that our kids were friends with his kids and even my wife was friends with his wife, we went camping together, our families went to family functions together. This is so painful I cannot take it. So when she admitted it I just said this "Thanks for telling me the truth, this is really messed up. But I understand why you did this. I let you down I admit it. But he was my friend, Ill never speak to him again. Don't worry Im not gonna go beat his ass or anything, if this is what you want there is nothing I can do, I hope your happy now, this has cost all of us a lot."

I know from experience there is a certain relief/validation in finally getting them to admit it and knowing "for sure". That said, I'm so sorry. It must be extra difficult that her AP is a friend of yours. Not only is your marriage at risk but also your friendship and all those memories. Hang in there...

I sense you taking responsibility for her choice to have an affair. Again.

Please stop. Take back your respect.

Also, I have to agree with ovrrnbw here. Of course we don't know you or your W more than these posts but for whatever faults you have (and we're all human) SHE is the one that had the affair, is breaking her vows, and potentially ending your marriage. Don't try to apologize your way back either - for what it's worth, it didn't work in my sitch.