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#2906187 10/19/20 04:53 PM
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AAA10 Offline OP
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Just joined after reading the divorce remedy. Looking for support, advice and an outlet. Sorry I dont have all the abbreviations down.

I am an emotional wreck and extremely overwhelmed

Married for 15 years with two kids. H had an affair that was caught before it turned physical with an old girlfriend (3 years into marriag). Second (physical affair) occurred 3 years ago. He has been in therapy since dealing with depression and trying to not bury his feelings ( he is not a communicator ).

I have battled with my own issues. Having emotional breakdowns About every other month (many induced by drinking) where I would rant, yell and call him every name in the book and vent about the affair when triggered . Obviously I have some emotion management issue.

Three weeks ago we had a meltdown when he suddenly refused to give access to his phone ( had been my insurance policy after his second affair). It was ptsd. A ugly argument ensued.

After which he said he could not do this anymore and thought we shouldnt be married.

In the last three weeks, we have been in different rooms but continue to parent our children, eat dinner together, hang out talk about work or football and occasionally exchange hugs.but it is very up and down. H says he is miserable in our marriage and cant be who he wants and is anxious and uncomfortable. We went to his therapist last week in hopes of me getting a sense of how much of his train of thought was environmental influenced ( stuck at hoMe in pandemic, he not exercising, his low energy and daily napping and anxiety) and to ask what options there would be beyond divorce. Neither subject was addressed in the session.

He is angry and despite seeing that I have been giving him space and trying to stay calm And not get defensive he told me last night, he didnt believe anything was changing for him. He did agree to see a marriage counselor with hopes that we can get in the same page ( which for him means me seeing divorce is a good resolution).

Today I had an emotional meltdown. I couldnt take the criticism of me and the hurtful things being said and his denial of ever having had a good marriage. That along with the thought of losing my family -I just lost it. Crying. Hitting the wall. Pulling my hair. it is embarrassing to admit But it was an adult tantrum. I feel so lost. And am losing hope that he will change his mind. He is very stubborn and once he sets his mind on something I have rarely seen it change

Last edited by job; 10/19/20 07:22 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted by AAA10
Just joined after reading the divorce remedy. Looking for support, advice and an outlet. Sorry I dont have all the abbreviations down.

I am an emotional wreck and extremely overwhelmed

Married for 15 years with two kids. H had an affair that was caught before it turned physical with an old girlfriend (3 years into marriag). Second (physical affair) occurred 3 years ago. He has been in therapy since dealing with depression and trying to not bury his feelings ( he is not a communicator ).

I have battled with my own issues. Having emotional breakdowns About every other month (many induced by drinking) where I would rant, yell and call him every name in the book and vent about the affair when triggered . Obviously I have some emotion management issue.

Three weeks ago we had a meltdown when he suddenly refused to give access to his phone ( had been my insurance policy after his second affair). It was ptsd. A ugly argument ensued.

After which he said he could not do this anymore and thought we shouldnt be married.

In the last three weeks, we have been in different rooms but continue to parent our children, eat dinner together, hang out talk about work or football and occasionally exchange hugs.but it is very up and down. H says he is miserable in our marriage and cant be who he wants and is anxious and uncomfortable. We went to his therapist last week in hopes of me getting a sense of how much of his train of thought was environmental influenced ( stuck at hoMe in pandemic, he not exercising, his low energy and daily napping and anxiety) and to ask what options there would be beyond divorce. Neither subject was addressed in the session.

He is angry and despite seeing that I have been giving him space and trying to stay calm And not get defensive he told me last night, he didnt believe anything was changing for him. He did agree to see a marriage counselor with hopes that we can get in the same page ( which for him means me seeing divorce is a good resolution).

Today I had an emotional meltdown. I couldnt take the criticism of me and the hurtful things being said and his denial of ever having had a good marriage. That along with the thought of losing my family -I just lost it. Crying. Hitting the wall. Pulling my hair. it is embarrassing to admit But it was an adult tantrum. I feel so lost. And am losing hope that he will change his mind. He is very stubborn and once he sets his mind on something I have rarely seen it change


AAA very sorry to hear all of this. Hopefully you find the answers and the support you are looking for here.

I have a question for you. And I need you to think long and hard before answering. He's had two affairs. There are signs of a third (not letting you see his phone). Do you really think it is worth saving this with this man at this point?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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thanks for the question. I do not believe there is third affair; i think H just cracked and was worn from living in the "fish bowl" and living under my thumb for the past three years. I feel he finally has reached a point in his 1-1 therapy where he is able to speak up and express himself as opposed to not rocking the boat and giving in to me. I believe i have processed the complicated reasons that led to the previous "habit" of running into the arms of an old flame. I have had my own issues and fears about trying to work on our marriage but i feel like it really can be done and that we owe it to each other and our children to try before throwing in the towel. I just can't quit without trying. We are planning to attend discernment counseling next. Anybody gone through that? Somewhat of a last resort to see if we an get on the same page. He seems determined there is no other option aside from divorce and is not interested in spending time on anything that doesn't have a reasonably good chance of success.

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Hi AAA10,

You have found a safe haven here. Keep the dialogue going in this forum, you will benefit greatly from it.

I cannot comment on discernment counseling however, in my own sitch, I learnt that couples counselling/therapy only works if both parties do the digging out the hole. In my sitch it has only been me, it just doesn't work. If anything I found that it sped up the D process. Individual counselling however is a must.

A question I have, with no judgement.

Are you or both of you drinking alcohol a lot and or daily ? I say this as getting the mind and emotions on an even keel is really hard to do with alcohol (even days after) .

Welcome to the board, you are amongst people that care.

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AAA I have been in your place but in reverse. My W had a couple affairs and I used to drink and lash out about them. After her last one around 2 ish years ago we kinda tried to sweep it under the rug and move on, Im sure she came back out of guilt and the kids but was not really invested. We drifted apart, had been sleeping in separate rooms and I got busy on hobbies she got busy on going out and then boom ILYBNILWY and bomb drop 9/3. She filed D 9/24 and lied lied lied and moved out without telling me. She has been talking to other guys. In her mind she is the valuable prize and she was "trapped" in an unsatisfying marriage. The only things I have done right was stopped drinking 2 years ago, my anger went just about away after that, I stopped nagging her about her activites and gave her trust (backfired) and became weak and way too nice. I think your best bet now is to do the impossible, validate everything he says, pretty much in front of him you gotta act like you agree with him and that your gonna move on. That will increase your value even if its hard. Right now your the one losing everything, you gotta turn that around quick so he can see he is losing before he drifts slowly and comfortably away.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW moved in with OM 10/15/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Moving on, trying to be happy.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Originally Posted by AAA10
thanks for the question. I do not believe there is third affair; i think H just cracked and was worn from living in the "fish bowl" and living under my thumb for the past three years. I feel he finally has reached a point in his 1-1 therapy where he is able to speak up and express himself as opposed to not rocking the boat and giving in to me. I believe i have processed the complicated reasons that led to the previous "habit" of running into the arms of an old flame. I have had my own issues and fears about trying to work on our marriage but i feel like it really can be done and that we owe it to each other and our children to try before throwing in the towel. I just can't quit without trying. We are planning to attend discernment counseling next. Anybody gone through that? Somewhat of a last resort to see if we an get on the same page. He seems determined there is no other option aside from divorce and is not interested in spending time on anything that doesn't have a reasonably good chance of success.


First, we see a lot of LBSs come through that do not believe there is an A. Brace yourself for that. Also, you talk about him living in a fiah bowl and under your thumb. The man is a two time cheater. He should be agreeing to any demands you make, and you should be ready to D him if he doesn't. You act like he is the victim here. He isn't.

Running into the arms of an old flame isn't that complicated. There are no complicated reasons. At this point this man is a serial cheater.

As far as discernment therapy, that's a complete waste of time. Going to MC with a WAS is never going to work. MC can work when both spouses are actively working on the MR. When one is checked out you are wasting time and money.

Your best course of action is to stop all pressure and pursuit. To GAL. To self improve. And to emotionally detach. Give him time and space to figure out his own stuff. You move forward with your life.

I have more to say, I'll followup later.


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Hi AAA,
I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much pain. Like others said - this is a safe place for you to be.

I know you want to save your marriage - but I'm gonna suggest you look into the option of saving yourself first.

Originally Posted by AAA10
I have battled with my own issues. Having emotional breakdowns About every other month (many induced by drinking) where I would rant, yell and call him every name in the book and vent about the affair when triggered . Obviously I have some emotion management issue.


Perhaps it is time to see an IC? Emotional breakdowns induced by drinking is not good. An IC will give you tools to handle all of these feelings you are experiencing. To assist in allowing you to make space for them without controlling your life.

Originally Posted by AAA10
Today I had an emotional meltdown. I couldnt take the criticism of me and the hurtful things being said and his denial of ever having had a good marriage. That along with the thought of losing my family -I just lost it. Crying. Hitting the wall. Pulling my hair. it is embarrassing to admit But it was an adult tantrum. I feel so lost. And am losing hope that he will change his mind. He is very stubborn and once he sets his mind on something I have rarely seen it change


Adult tantrums are not okay. Looking back - is this a typical response to stress?

You are going through a painful process. It svcks but I see alot of opportunity for you to grow if you want it. Unfortunately there is no way you can stick to this growth if you are using it as a tactic to get H back. That's why you blew up at him. If you are getting upset about the things he is saying - you have other options. You end the conversation. You leave the room. Those would be good 180s for you.

I have some experience being with someone who had adult tantrums as a way to communicate. I will tell you - its exhausting. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. That my disagreements and complaints didn't matter or were twisted into criticism. I always fear that at any moment she would explode so I often stay quiet, hide my feelings, until I couldn't take it anymore and then my emotions would demand to be heard - and it often wasn't the best.

There is no excuse for an affair but often affairs are byproducts of broken marriages. So if you want to stay... you have to look in the mirror and see what part you played. And I think learning how to regulate your emotions would be a good place to start.


M(f): 38
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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appreciate the support, insight and questions

regarding alcohol consumptions-- I admit that I was drinking a lot in the last few months. I have sense stopped drinking. h is not a big drinker

my understanding is that discernment counseling it quite different from marriage counseling and is for the situation where one spouse is leaning out and the other leaning in. I don't have much hope-- h seems pretty set that nothing can save this marriage. he says he will try to be as open as he can, but is not interested in anything that doesn't have a good chance of success. -- does anything have a high rate of success in saving a marriage??

I am trying to keep myself open to the idea of divorce-- it is hard to trick ones mind. I am starting to wonder if the limited energy I have is being wasted trying to get him to stay and work on us
he is right that is has been a tough marriage -- hard to think of a time where we didn't have a rough patch...
neither of us had good remodels-- both from broken homes and have no idea how to have a healthy disagreement-- he closes off and I explode with emotion. he says he is so uncomfortable that it is hard for him to even be around me-- and he is very angry at me -- his perspective is that he has spent three years in therapy trying to fix himself after the last affair and trying to save our marriage and I have had no interest and let him take all the blame for things going wrong... It is true that I often would throw fits about his affair and couldn't seem to get over it and beat him up about it emotionally. it is complicated and it is a lot and it is messy and I think he is just spent and sees no way that we can be truly happy-- at best we make some small improvements and that is not what he wants.

he says he just wants to work on having a healthy relationship and co-parenting our kids; that he doesn't want bad things for me and wants me to be happy but doesn't want to be married to me bc he is miserable and he cant' even see himself being able to open himself to me bc too much damage has been done. hard position to work with.

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Originally Posted by AAA10
he says he just wants to work on having a healthy relationship and co-parenting our kids; that he doesn't want bad things for me and wants me to be happy but doesn't want to be married to me bc he is miserable and he cant' even see himself being able to open himself to me bc too much damage has been done. hard position to work with.

Typical response from him but you have to detach and work on you.

Make yourself into a person only a fool would leave.


Me-67, D35,S34
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