Tonight we’re supposed to watch a video on telling the kids to come up with our plan.
If I were in your shoes, I would clean myself up and leave the house. If she asks, I would say "I have something important to take care of". If she asks "What is it". I would say "Nothing you need to worry about" and walk out. I would let her watch it alone. I would watch it by myself. I would wait for her to bring it up. I would listen and validate.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
AS - I bought the Dobson book. It gets here on Thursday.
I hired a cleaning lady for my house today and I am refinancing so that I have more money to pay her off with it. I had a good talk with a friend of mine who has been divorced, and continues to tell me that I'm going to be fine after this. His issue is that too many people try to set him up and he has to turn a lot of women down. It was a funny conversation.
Every day continues to be a roller coaster. Tonight we are watching a video on how to tell the kids. That's an opportunity to review this forum and really focus on my reactions as you all have coached me.
Either way, I agree with letting the caged bird fly. As my friend said, she is taking a risk too. I may find out that I can be happier as well. Have a great night peeps!
After we put the kids to bed last night, I watched some of the World Series and told her I was too tired to watch the video. I said maybe we do it in a couple of days.
I may ask her just to send it to me and watch it on my own like recommended. I'm still debating that. On the one hand, it sends the message that I am doing my thing, which is positive. On the other hand I read that there are opportunities in things we have to manage together like the kids. If I can show up and do a good job of interacting with her and avoid a negative interaction by staying calm, listening, validating, and empathizing, I believe that would be good.
I am feeling like I'm making peace with this and moving forward. Hopefully I can keep that momentum going as I think it is good all the way around. Looking forward to reading the book AnotherStander recommended.
Not to be a weirdo, but I am charting my journey here. I feel a weird energy today, had it yesterday too. It’s like fury, similar to confidence or excitement. I feel stronger. I can still feel some anxiety and sadness, but this other stuff is new. It’s good. I hope it builds and stays.
That’s great but just be aware you are going to have many highs and lows in the coming months/ years. Her moving out, holidays dating another dude are going to be things that will temporarily set you back. When I need a pick me up I watch the YouTube video “Rockys speech to son”. You may or may not be aware that you are ahead of the game with most/some of your friends who are unhappily married right now. It’s a journey for sure that you have to try to enjoy every step of the way.
Was this a 180? Probably. Normally we watch TV together and normally we go to bed at the same time. And generally if I say I'm going to do something (we had committed to watching this video together last night for the kids) I do it. So I guess so.
I didn't notice that she seemed surprised or anything. I had to get up unexpectedly early, so I think it made sense that I went to bed. I think independence and confidence are attractive. ---- Today I went home at lunch to work out and just ran by her to change, didn't say anything. On the way out of the house she stopped me to talk about the kids. It was a touch weird as I felt like she wanted to talk and I wanted to leave.
I don't know. If I was looking for "signs" I would put something to it, but I feel like I'm past that. Had a great workout. Listened to some Busta Rhymes on Pandora at the gym - a completely underrated arrest, by the way - and had a solid workout.
That's one of the things I continue to do really well. I'm eating pretty good and still working out, though the emotions make it hard to workout as hard as I was - I get tired faster. Still, glad I'm doing those things. When I got home from the gym I noticed that I was kind of bummed she wasn't there - it was a weird feeling and I wish I didn't have it. ---- Tonight I found an excuse to get out of the house with my son. Monday I'm going out with a friend of mine and for the first time ever I didn't tell her with who or where I'm going. ---- I dread going home at night, which is why I'm on here more - staying at work later.
I am simply tormented and I'm doing it to myself, I think.
So I get home. She is making dinner and I'm helping and she's asking me about my day and such. I asked her the same back as a courtesy.
I take my son out at 7:30p and we get back at 9:35p. He needed to shower up and ice down an injury so I stayed up for him. She sat down next to me and starts to go into details about her dad who had a hard day (he has dementia) and fills me in on the entire situation. Once my son was done we went to bed.
Now yesterday morning, before I left the house I gave her a hug because my son was watching and I didn't want to let on with him what's going on - maybe a mistake (and of course I know he already knows). So this morning, the kids walk out of the house first and I'm last, and she hangs back and turns to me to give me a hug goodbye.
I normally go home for lunch, and so I did pack my lunch today so I won't go home until 5:30p or so.
I also was in a hurry to get the kids to school today because I had a meeting and she text me "I'm happy to take the kids to school any day if it helps. Know you said you are getting busier, lmk." And then she also sent me a message about my car saying there has been a recall and I might want to check it out.
I guess all of this is simply trying to be friends in the wake of this. It does mess with my head though.
I am simply tormented and I'm doing it to myself, I think.
So I get home. She is making dinner and I'm helping and she's asking me about my day and such. I asked her the same back as a courtesy.
I take my son out at 7:30p and we get back at 9:35p. He needed to shower up and ice down an injury so I stayed up for him. She sat down next to me and starts to go into details about her dad who had a hard day (he has dementia) and fills me in on the entire situation. Once my son was done we went to bed.
Now yesterday morning, before I left the house I gave her a hug because my son was watching and I didn't want to let on with him what's going on - maybe a mistake (and of course I know he already knows). So this morning, the kids walk out of the house first and I'm last, and she hangs back and turns to me to give me a hug goodbye.
I normally go home for lunch, and so I did pack my lunch today so I won't go home until 5:30p or so.
I also was in a hurry to get the kids to school today because I had a meeting and she text me "I'm happy to take the kids to school any day if it helps. Know you said you are getting busier, lmk." And then she also sent me a message about my car saying there has been a recall and I might want to check it out.
I guess all of this is simply trying to be friends in the wake of this. It does mess with my head though.
Yep...typical friendzone behavior. Which is why the hug was a mistake. If your goal is to be her friend, to get hugs goodbye, and do things for each other like friends do, then you are golden. If your goal is to be your W's lover then you are doing it all wrong.
