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Hi Scott,

Originally Posted by ScottB
Next sitch: I have some friends going to breckenridge to go skiing in January. Normally, I would never go because she would have to watch the kids a couple days and i don’t want to put her out. Do I ask to go? Do I tell her I’m going? Do I ignore it and just tell the guys I can’t make it?

You're an adult, so I wouldn't ask her permission. She's not your partner, so I wouldn't share your plans. When you setup your 50/50 custody schedule, I'd try to ensure most or all trip dates on her days. If that's not possible, I would ask via some documented method like e-mail if she'd be willing to swap weekend X for weekend Y. I sometimes offer her an extra day (either way) for the favor. She's doing you a solid. If you exhaust those options, you might ask yourself if the trip is worth bringing someone along to keep an eye on the kids. I've done that. Watching the kids on your days is not her responsibility.

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PS This forum helped me get through today. Thanks gang.

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Scotty B,

Yes just leave alone to her to pursue. I’m wondering if you need mediation and you can’t just work it out yourself. My ex and I hashed it out in like 15 minutes. I kept the house and insisted on 50/50 custody. Everything else is a calculation.

If you want to go then go. It would be something to look forward to after the holidays. Your concern now should be only what is good for you and the kids. You should put absolutely zero thought into what you think she would prefer.

You have to accept that fact that your marriage is over and that if she changes her mind it will likely be 2-5 years down the road. By then you won’t care because too much damage has been done. I can promise two things. This is definitely survivable and her life won’t turn out how she expects it.

One day at a time Scotty B.

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LH,

That’s a good idea. I could probably craft the entire deal and get very close to fair. It wouldn’t take a lot. I know the formulas. I’d prefer that to mediation. It would be less expensive and offer us more of a day together in it. It would also be faster. It’s not what I want, but I would prefer it to mediation.

To Steve and some others points, though, don’t help her along in this. I get that perspective but this has been on going for since the first bomb drop in 11/2017. I’ve made tremendous changes Over that time, I guarantee I haven’t given her the space that LH has talked about, but she just isn’t coming around. I understand the idea of patience. The most loving thing to do might just be to show her the path.

Steve, I read your piece on 1 Corinthians; of course that was a reading at our wedding. She’s not happy. Maybe the most loving thing to do is let her go. I’ve fought a good fight. I love her still. And maybe it’s time to let her go and find her happiness.

Is that crazy?

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Not crazy at all. True love is wanting someone to be happy no matter what their choices are right now.

You fought hard and you fought long. Time to let her go.

Follow Will Smiths advice below.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
LH,

That’s a good idea. I could probably craft the entire deal and get very close to fair. It wouldn’t take a lot. I know the formulas. I’d prefer that to mediation. It would be less expensive and offer us more of a day together in it. It would also be faster. It’s not what I want, but I would prefer it to mediation.

To Steve and some others points, though, don’t help her along in this. I get that perspective but this has been on going for since the first bomb drop in 11/2017. I’ve made tremendous changes Over that time, I guarantee I haven’t given her the space that LH has talked about, but she just isn’t coming around. I understand the idea of patience. The most loving thing to do might just be to show her the path.

Steve, I read your piece on 1 Corinthians; of course that was a reading at our wedding. She’s not happy. Maybe the most loving thing to do is let her go. I’ve fought a good fight. I love her still. And maybe it’s time to let her go and find her happiness.

Is that crazy?


Not crazy at all. This is going on three years. No one could accuse you of not trying. I always say to have an end plan. DB, but pick a date when you'll pull the plug and file yourself. Scott, it is time to move on.


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I mean if she can’t choose divorce, then how can she choose love? If she is forced to choose marriage or love, then it’s neither of them. It’s suddenly not a choice, it’s a trap. No one wants to be trapped. Even God let’s us choose. For now she is choosing divorce and I think I need to love her and let her.

Of course I’ll run this by my coach. And it doesn’t mean I give up. It’s just what it is.

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Ok Scotty I’m confused. You’re going to run it by your divorce coach if you should let her divorce you?

What does not giving up mean to you?

What would giving up look like to you?

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I’ve been working with my coach for a long time. I know I’m emotional and may not be thinking clearly. My coach has been my rock through this. I want to double check my thinking with him.

Not giving up means, I’m still here if she wants the marriage. I’m not leaving, I’m allowing her to leave. A marriage takes two. If she wants the end, then it’s the end. I’m letting her walk away. Does that make sense?

Last edited by ScottB; 10/21/20 05:21 PM.
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Sort of. Still not sure what you’re running by your coach. Not really sure what a divorce coach is.

What concerns me Scotty is you use terms “allowing her to leave” and “letting her walk away”. You do realize you have no say in the matter? Do you see why she may feel trapped?

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