I have tried to avoid talking about my R with my D as I do not think she needs to know all about the situation. When he told her he was going to ask me for a D, her response to him was she thought he was having a MLC.
I have discussed small particulars as needed, but she is unaware of OW, in fact, he does not know that I know. It will come out eventually that I know to him, but now is not the time.
I have told her that I am wanting to stand for my marriage and I am hoping he will come out of his fog. I do show in some ways how I am getting on with my life as I do not know my limit.
I have been looking at ways to up date the home, my choices. With the house being full, I am hoping to continue to purge and get some things that I like to make it more me.
I am really focusing on him not wearing on me, since if I want to think about it, it could bring me down deep.
D is hoping to get a work from home job in the next year and make an effort to travel abroad and stay a few months. We discussed me visiting when she finds a place. Me, not mom and dad. So that is the plan!
As you know H has been nice enough, bringing home carbs ( I got bread on Friday and donuts yesterday). He’s not socializing with D and I. But he is not being rude. He and I have had conversations, albeit brief, that he begins.
Yesterday, he was in the bedroom with the door closed. I could see he had the light on. It was apparent he was FaceTiming a woman. I heard her tell him goodbye and him tell her he’d text her later.
Now the lesson is for me to keep on GAL. I realized, he has been nice to us but that was no indication of him coming bout of the tunnel. He has not told me any different. As far as I know. He wants a divorce. Until he ever tells me different, I need to believe that is what he wants.
I know MLC is so confusing. I have to keep on thinking of me. I am just putting it out there, if the MLCer begins to act nice, don’t assume anything unless they tell you.
Update: He left yesterday morning, I had no idea if he was going to be gone for the day or if he planned on coming back for food.
It ended up he had to work. When he came home, I was prepping to put things in the oven. So I just said, we are eating in about and hour, will you be joining us (me and D) he surprised me and said yes.
When food was ready, he actually came and sat with us. He put the tv on something he was interested it (we were casual since just three of us). He commented he liked the food and he actually again seemed like normal H. He even inquired as to what my family was doing since we normally spend the day with them.
When he was done, he announced he was going to bed.
I did have anxiety earlier in the day, thinking how rude he would not even tell me he was not going to be here, but it was for nothing. Last year, he skipped out to be with OW in her country.
Anyway, I hope all that celebrated yesterday had a good day.
It’s been about a month since I stopped by. Nothing new to report. H is hot and cold. I just do my own thing. For the holiday, I wanted to stop by and see my parents from a distance since we will not be hosting due to covid warnings. I asked him yesterday via text when he’d be home from work because I wanted to take some baked goods to my parents and he surprised me and said we would go today.
He held up his end and we went and had a nice visit outside on the patio, with mid seventies as the temp, it was pleasant. As soon as we were in the car to go, he was texting his friend and when we got home, they took off. He didnt return until 6:00 pm. It was just our D and I for dinner and she and I watched some movies and relaxed.
In this last month, he has continued to talk to me about money things. I am still the one who handles everything, and he has off and on spoken to me with little chit chat and at least once a week he has continued to bring home food for us. I do not speak to him about our R, yet I am polite.
I just wanted to journal this moment, as status quo has been a while.
I am glad to read an update from you. I was wondering how you were doing.
Sounds like you are doing well. Let H run hot and cold. Let him chit chat, off and on with you. Continue to focus on you and keep living your life.
It is wise to remain away from discussions regarding R, and to remain polite. Kind and compassionate. H continues to brings food home and you continue to acknowledge.
I know the status quo looks somewhat at an equilibrium. Remember a MLCer’s progress is slow and mostly hidden internally. H taking off with his friend after visiting with your parents; so teenager-like, he is still growing up.
And of course you are moving and progressing as well. In case you don’t see your advancements like I see them. You’re doing really well my friend.
Did you get some nice gifts? From D (or H)? For D (or H)?
Mid-seventies sitting on the patio. Here, it is -25C with a -37C windchill. Ain’t sitting anywhere outside except in my car with heated seats. Lol.
Take care.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hope everyone has started the new year off on the right step.
I just had some journaling observations about H:
The week heading up to NYE, H worked overnights. He didn’t tell me, but did text our D and tell her. I only discovered he was working because I mentioned to her that I didn’t know if her dad would be home maybe she informed me he told her. He had been very teen like the weekend after Christmas, not wanting to be home.
New Year’s Day, he did not work, but stayed in the room with the door closed. On Saturday, he began cleaning out the garage, he continued today, also doing his sheets and clothes in the laundry. He has always been a neat person, but for the last 18+ months the garage has not been touched. He wandered in around dinner time, and ultimately ate in the other room with something else.
He’s just alone. He is still strong (online, at least) with OW2, his chit chat has disappeared.
I am just giving him space, it’s hard, but nothing new that I haven’t been working on since the bomb drop happened. Just writing it here to remind me.
Thank you for stopping by. This new year has been fine for D and I. She just found out that the temp job she landed in October, wants to extend her a full time job, so that is a weight off her shoulders.
I came on today, to post that I am feeling lost with H. I have seen actions around the home that I have not seen since before BD almost two years ago. I was encouraged by that. Also, when he comes home from work, he will now come in and pause to say hi to the dogs and if I am in the room, me.
But with this action encouragement, I still am 99 percent ignored. I am fatigued. We have been staying home, (live in LA county, so we have been in the epicenter of covid) so he will stay in the room. Periodically, he will eat what I make, and he still will bring home fresh baked breads.
I am embarrassed to admit that I saw some texts that I was texting him back before bomb drop, I was angry and hurt and really a nagging wife. He was already sleeping on the couch, (beds too small, dogs take up room, every challenge I responded) and I had had surgery. I had a text stating, “if you can’t stand to sleep in the same room with me, you can come check on me” this was literally three days before he left town and I believe, met OW1.
So with this reminder, I can see that his behavior was coming long before I realized what it was. It hurts.
I also, heard a podcast that some said, “why did I want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me?” Does H love me and want to be with me? I don’t feel it. But with this thought, I think, “well, PLC, in the last two years, he has not made one effort to physically leave.”
So, limbo is it for me. I really am stuck, because I do love him and want a second chance.
Cardinal, how is your new year? I am sorry to lay all of this out here, I am just sad today.
It is great news to see daughter has been offered full time employment. That is definitely a weight off her shoulders. Yay!
Originally Posted by PLC
I am embarrassed to admit that I saw some texts that I was texting him back before bomb drop, I was angry and hurt and really a nagging wife.
You aren’t anymore. You’ve made changes. Ensured those changes were for you and made them permanent.
Originally Posted by PLC
I am feeling lost with H. I have seen actions around the home that I have not seen since before BD almost two years ago. I was encouraged by that. Also, when he comes home from work, he will now come in and pause to say hi to the dogs and if I am in the room, me.
But with this action encouragement, I still am 99 percent ignored.
It is interesting to see actions that have been absent since BD. I understand the encouraging feelings that brings, and the feelings of being lost.
Being ignored 99% of the time - is being seen 1% of the time. It has to start somewhere.
Yes, things are in limbo for sometime before they shift. However, that shift starts to happen unseen and internally. Consider you own shift in attitude and outlook over the past two years. H’s transformation would be even more hidden and slower.
H is reaching out, now and then. Talking to the dogs, and even you. And still bringing bread. And he hasn’t made the effort to physically leave. All factual and positive. Very good stuff. Be patient and give H plenty of time and space. He needs to be the one to reach back - well actually reach forward. Right?
Originally Posted by PLC
So, limbo is it for me. I really am stuck, because I do love him and want a second chance.
Continue moving forward.
Yep, limbo is difficult. One gets stuck on that which they focus upon. Focus towards your future.
A second chance is usually wanting a do-over. It is looking back and not towards the future.
Stuck because you love him. How are you stuck? You can love H and move forward, live your life, work your job, have fun, and such.
Stuck because you want a second chance. How are you stuck? You can move forward and have a second chance. In fact, a true second chance would only happen if you moved forward. Wanting a do-over is being stuck.
Live forward. Live the new and improved you. Demonstrate your altered, strong, permanent beliefs; you know, like not nagging. And do it for you.
If the future holds an opportunity for a reconciliation, it will be a new relationship. That second chance comes from letting go the do-over.
Perhaps H is slowly moving in the right direction. Great. You keep moving as well. No pressure. Time and space. Let him figure out that he does want you. It’s a tough path to walk my friend.
My XW has been absent for over three years. I so wanted a second chance too. Then I realized I had a second chance - and took it. There are two second chances, one of which we don’t see for a while. Even though it is right in front of us.
Originally Posted by PLC
... because I do love him and [I] want a second chance.
Originally Posted by PLC
... because I do love him and want [us to have] a second chance.
The first is your life and changes and values. The core of yourself. Finding your way. Saving yourself. It’s your second chance at your life. This is the chance we don’t recognize. Embrace it. Fully. Fearlessly.
The second, second chance is a bonus. And the first one must happen for the second to have a chance.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi PLC. Do your own thing. Limbo is a tough place to be, especially during covid with the tough restrictions in your county. (I have f&f there). Do you, be cordial, and let him be. Don't read into anything, you go batty.
"Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me?" I said this to a friend today. And that was part of my situation. No. Why would you? You can care/love for someone sure, but being in love... you know. We all know. Don't settle for what was.Build yourself up and see where that takes you.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Here, it is -25C with a -37C windchill. Ain’t sitting anywhere outside except in my car with heated seats. Lol.