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Hi All,

It has been status quo here.

Sometimes I just think, "file and get him moving on his way" then I think about what I was standing for even if he has forgotten his vows.

Again, no rudeness or R talk from H. I am making Thanksgiving plans for D and I and as i previously mentioned, he is invited if he chooses.

The Bread giver came today instead of tomorrow. Last week, there was none.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks this is a horrible mess he can't get out of, or if he truly is waiting for me to take care of the Divorce filing.

He makes little comments and observations whereas before he really stayed away from the household.

Time will tell all.

PLC

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I feel really sad.

Tonight, I as scrolling through social media and came upon a beautiful picture of a place I’ve wanted to visit. I showed D as she was nearby. I said something about of how pretty it was but I won’t visit when it is winter. She responded “why don’t you move there?” I know she meant it nicely, but it stung. If I move, I’m moving on.

I responded, that I had a lot here. (Parents, sisters family, niece and nephews) But what I really meant was my H is here.

After a little bit, I said, “ you know I’m hoping your dad eventually comes out of what he is dealing with and we can stay married” i caught her rolling her eyes. So I asked her why. She said she can have an opinion. So I asked her if she thought it was possible, she said slim chances.

I explained, I took a vow and I even though he has broken his, I won’t. She’s a bit more cynical being 25 and out in the world, but I still have hope and I am feeling dumb. But having someone who lives here and sees his behavior tell me that is so jarring.

Am I dumb for standing? It’s been 18 months. I know some of you have stood longer and some, less. Each day I look ahead and just take care of the plans I have. I don’t include him in decisions that are day to day. In fact, I had been having some back pain, went to the doctors, ended up going to physical therapy and he had no idea. He only found out when he came home and I was leaving and he asked where I was going.

I see so much of him still relying on me for basic household things. But is it convenience? He’d have to figure out how to balance a checking account and pay rent and I think he could. (I mean he’s a grown man?) but sometimes I feel maybe that’s the only reason he sticks around?

I don’t know. Tonight is hard.

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(((PLC)))

This is tough. It's okay to be sad. Just know that there are people who care about you, IRL and here, and will support you no matter what your decision is.

Your D loves you and doesn't like to see you hurting... I'm sure that is where she is coming from. Also, I think it is probably healthy to take stock every once in awhile, really evaluate your situation, and decide if you are okay with status quo or if some sort of change is better. Taking steps in any direction also doesn't necessarily mean you are no longer standing for your M-- you may just be doing it in another way. We hear over and over here that D isn't necessarily the end of an R, either. You have many roads open to you.

But I do think it is important to take a hard look every once in awhile, and be open to change. Maybe plan that trip for the spring or next summer. Try out something else new. Do something just for you and give yourself a break from thinking about him at all. And it is okay to be sad or frustrated or angry... those feelings are healthy and natural.

Hope your day tomorrow is better, PLC. Hugs.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Good Morning PLC

Originally Posted by PLC
Am I dumb for standing?

No! Absolutely not!

I know at times it feels like you are waiting for H. Remember you are standing for you. For your beliefs, your values, your vows, and so on.

Your daughter sees H’s behaviour as well. And she doesn’t want to see you hurting. It is nice to see that she thinks it’s possible. The slim-ness of projected probability is really a guess, only time will tell.

H’s coming out of this, being probably or not, changes little - your path is your path. You need to walk this road whether H is there or not, whether you are married or not. It really is for you. (((Hugs)))

The questions and doubts of standing are perfectly normal. Do you see how your feelings have altered your perception? How being sad has coloured things? Again, perfectly normal.

Feeling are fleeting, when not reinforced. Acknowledge your feelings. Experience them. Let them wash over you.

That is the reason not to decided things based upon feelings (like our MLCers did). Those poor souls cannot handle their emotions and the constant depression they drag around. So of course they run.

Once your feelings subside, thoughts and beliefs do return. Follow those beliefs, the ones you’ve strengthened and created. The ones you want. Your feelings will follow as well - once you accept. Acceptance is emotional understanding. It takes time to get there. And a good deal of patience. smile

Stand for you.

It’s ok to hope.

(((PLC)))

Have a good day my friend.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thank you May and Dnj,

I admit, I let myself get consumed with sadness. On the plus side, I was exhausted when I went to bed and slept like a baby.

I think what bothers me is that D sees his behavior. I want to be a good example to her and show that when the going gets tough, you do not stop trying. Unfortunately, I do not know if H sees anything other than what is in his tunnel. I know enough to know, that regardless of what he sees or not, I know what I am doing is positive for me.

As you know, I see bits of him, but I also see someone who seems to be literally disgusted to be near me. He can make in passing small talk but if we have to be nearby for a moment or two, I feel his uncomfortableness.

I don't know if I mentioned D got a job and she is now working from home. Since H is living in her bedroom, she is living and working in the Living room. I realized yesterday, when I came home, the only "person" happy to see me is the dogs. Now don't get me wrong, I love these furry girls, but she's working and if he is home, he does not come out to greet me. I realized yesterday, it hurts. When was the last time he genuinely smiled or laughed with me? When did he begin this assent into this crisis? I don't know.

I also know that I am getting tired of the house being filled to capacity. I like the rooms used for their purposes. I have an H living in the second bedroom and a D living and working in the Living Dining room. The kitchen has her overflow since she does not really have a closet and it is stressful to someone like me who does not like chaos.

I think in order to feel a little better and exert some control in a situation that is way bigger than me, is to purge some items for donation. It will make me feel better.

TOday is work from home day for me. Let's see if he comes around.

PLC

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Well, let me tell you, a therapist sometimes earns their pay more days than others. Today mine did.

I expressed my concerns over my daughters doubts, my husbands behavior and although my IC did not paint a rosy picture, she helped me take my focus on what was affecting ME and to look at the broader picture. It helped so much.

Today, he brought home soups, and a large box of instant oatmeal. He’s branching out. Bread yesterday, soup and oatmeal today. Hmmmm.

He still is very much peeking out of the tunnel and I am trying to not notice.

PLC

Last edited by PLC; 11/18/20 05:47 AM.
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Good Morning PLC

It sounds like you are receiving some really good advice from your IC. We do sometimes get stuck on the details and miss the bigger picture. Good to get re-focused.

Your house does sound rather full, at capacity and spilling over a bit. Do you have a basement? Can you make another room, or space, for either H or D? A third spare bedroom/office, and get back the living room? Just wondering.

Originally Posted by PLC
He still is very much peeking out of the tunnel and I am trying to not notice.

I agree. H is peeking out of the tunnel.

If I may, you need less “trying” and more “doing”.

Do notice when you mean too. And do not notice when you mean not too. Try is vague and increases the probability of failing. Do, and yes you may fail. Only try, and you are already half way there. Just a little mental assertiveness tip to keep your sword sharp and shield bright.

Quote
I think what bothers me is that D sees his behavior. I want to be a good example to her and show that when the going gets tough, you do not stop trying.


By the way, it’s ok to notice H’s behaviour. He is living right there, it would be near impossible to not see it. The idea is/was to detach. You’re there. So notice, acknowledge, validate (when opportunity arises), and go about your day.

Have a great day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi Dnj,

No basement, house is normally fine for three people. I have always kept it neat and tidy. Now I have a teenage boy in one room and a disgruntled daughter in another area. If everyone kept to my wishes, it would be just fine. Hahaha

Last night, I was making dinner and he came in and asked what I was making. I just answered. I didn’t offer as I could tell he was just passing through.

This week has been a long one and it’s just weds. I am ok, and regardless of my D’s feelings this is my marriage.

I hope you had a nice birthday!

PLC

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Good Morning PLC

Originally Posted by PLC
If everyone kept to my wishes, it would be just fine. Hahaha

LOL. Hahaha

Your housemates are a teenage boy and a disgruntled daughter - good luck!

I still laugh at memories of my daughter’s room. Clothes piled two feet thick all over the floor. Bed unmade. It didn’t matter, just closed the door. She’d get cleaning, putting everything away, about once a month or two. That would last for about 3 days and then everything was pulled out again. Lol

Apparently kids grow out of this. Eventually.

You are doing fine regarding daughter. She is untitled to her feelings. And she is going to project upon you, somewhat. You are the strong stable person. Her rolling of eyes at her Dad’s behaviour and your standing is pretty standard. She is realizing how strong you are. What vows really mean. And of course realizing what Dad is doing. That all takes time to process. We really do lead by example, and kids watch and learn. And rebel, and sulk, and disgrunt (is that even a word?); and respect, admire, and love. Although those last ones are usually hidden until they figure some stuff out.

Have faith, you affect more than you realize.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Quote
I think what bothers me is that D sees his behavior. I want to be a good example to her and show that when the going gets tough, you do not stop trying.


Just another way of looking at this - why aren't you thinking "I want to be a good example to her and show that she shouldn't accept emotional abuse and infidelity from a partner?"

How would you feel if she had a boyfriend that was treating her the way your husband has treated you? Is that what you want her to learn, that this is ok?

Now - a boyfriend is not a husband, vows are vows, and I understand you wanting to stand especially since it seems at least remotely possible that he might come out of the tunnel at some point. HOWEVER, your message to your daughter should not be "Keep trying no matter what". The message should be "I had a lot of good years with your father and I think this might be temporary MLC madness, so I am trying to wait to see if he can come out the other side. But don't worry, I am not accepting his behavior, and if it doesn't change eventually, I will move forward with my life. " Or it might even be "this is what I have to do financially right now because I can't afford to move out, but I am focusing on my own life and not letting him wear on me".

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