So hopefully this link worked. I usually am savvy. LOL
Anyway, H came home after being gone all weekend. When he left, he did not tell me or even D25 that he was leaving for the weekend or when he would be home.
My last post discussed I gave him power over my anxiety because he did not even say hello.
I need to work on the "what ifs" this seems to be an issue with me. I need to remind myself he is gone from the marriage.
So I just got home from work a little while ago. H is in the bedroom, door shut. Now I wonder when he decides to poke his head out. It is the elephant in the room that he left and did not tell anyone. I know if this was D25, even though she is not a kid anymore, common courtesy lends itself to letting your people in the home you will be gone so there is no worry. I obviously cannot confront him and maybe he is expecting this.
I think if I say hi when i see him, I am lying. I am mad.
But let's face reality, he doesn't care if I was put out by him leaving. What am I going to do, divorce him? It is like leaving a job after you gave notice, if you mess up what are they going to do, fire you?
So any advice on what to say or how to react? Also, this could be ongoing for a few days.
PLC
Last edited by job; 10/13/2003:21 PM. Reason: added Part 2 in subject line
I know if this was D25, even though she is not a kid anymore, common courtesy lends itself to letting your people in the home you will be gone so there is no worry. I obviously cannot confront him and maybe he is expecting this.
Common courtesy.
When you were writing earlier this weekend about H's abrupt departure with no word, my first thought was how it is a common courtesy to let your people know that you are leaving and when you will be back and how dare PLC be put in this position. Honestly, it triggered me, so please don't let me project onto you.
However, I have been learning some tough but necessary lessons recently and here is one that may help you in your situation.
My natural state of existence is to love, nurture, support, help and hold people. My children, my FOO, my friends, even strangers. If someone is in distress or in need, I will stop and ask 'are you OK? How can I help?'. My children have watched me pull over our car to ask someone if they need help (a broken down car, a person sobbing as they walk down the sidewalk, you name it, I can't just watch suffering without addressing it). It's just who I am.
Even in my recent challenging interaction with H, I wanted to ask him if he wanted to take dinner to go (oh, the cooks in us, food=love, huh?). Today, while making an anti-inflammatory medicinal concoction, I thought 'I have extra, I should share with H, he could use it right now.' But that is not my role. I might be able to help, sooth, share, be present for 7.5 billion people in the world, but H CANNOT be one of them right now. Which is fighting every fiber of my fundamental personality.
And yet, at the same time, it is the only way I can show respect (care, love, nurture, help, hold, understand) H right now. He has asked for this. He doesn't want my care (nurture, love, understanding) right now. In fact, if I offer it to him, his declining my offer puts him in the position of being the bad guy (unlovable, ungrateful, horrible, because who actually DOES this to a loving human being).
So my job, and yours at the moment, is to step away from our nature and let our H's path be our H's path, unsullied by our loving, concerning personality. It is the only way we can show them respect in their own language.
You're right. There is so much nurturing that is second nature. I need to let him navigate without any interference from me. He would not appreciate it, and may resent it.
We both know too well that our H's did not ask us for any nurturing.
This is the biggest test I am dealing with in my life right now. H did not appear at any time while I was around yesterday. I hear him leave for work this morning. I work from home on Tuesdays and in the past he would come home during the day and stay in the room a bit. He would say hello if he saw me. I am curious to see what happens today, however, I have my IC appt. (by phone) today, so I will take a drive and have that call. I also have physical therapy this morning and I will be gone for that. I don't ask D25 if he comes home. I do not want to place her in a weird position. She knows where I am (common courtesy) but I doubt very highly he asks where I am.
There is a weird thought that I just want to see how long he can avoid me. Because he is. Normally, when he is sequestered he still will appear for a snack or to check his mail. I also want to know what he will do when he sees me. I will be friendly. Keep him surprised. He expects naggy PLC. Nope. She's not here.
Well, I had two chances to say hello and I didn't. He didn't either for that matter.
The first time, he came home and I was working at the dining room. I did not turn around and he did not say anything.
The second time, he came into the room I was in, heading to the kitchen and I got up and went outside.
I totally planned on saying something, but I am mad. I know I can say it the next time. But I do want him to know that I am not going to think it is ok to just take off. I realize that his journey has left me behind, but I do expect COMMON COURTESY. So should i extend a common courtesy and be nice?
He did not exhibit this behavior while married, but I know he knows that I would have gotten angry and reacted in a bad manner. By being silent that is not the old me.
Imagine you are watching an anthill on a sunny afternoon, lying in the grass as we did when we were kids. You watch them move to and fro and build things and come back and carry a crumb with great labor, etc.
You would not take each ant movement that seriously. It would be silly to say, "Oh, that ant moved to the left. No way, he is going to the right! Why didn't I realize he would go to the right! I should have known that! Should I give him another crumb? No, I shouldn't, then he will know I want to give crumbs!" Etc.
My suggestion is to see your H right now as you would those ants. If you want to watch with a little curiosity, do so. But know that nothing you say or do means much to those ants. They are laser focused on their own lives. They don't really notice you, and if you leave your post to stop watching, it won't impact them.
One day, your H might not be an ant. He might be a man again. He might be worth loving again. But right now, he is like an ant. Leave him to his work. Go for a bike ride. Build a house. Read a book. The ants will still be scurrying about if you come back to check on them, but they won't really notice what you are doing.
I hope that doesn't sound cold. We here do care about you and what you are doing, and we send you love and courage! I just mean that you must let H go and stop noticing his every move.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I totally planned on saying something, but I am mad. I know I can say it the next time. But I do want him to know that I am not going to think it is ok to just take off. I realize that his journey has left me behind, but I do expect COMMON COURTESY. So should i extend a common courtesy and be nice?
Yes, you should extend courtesy. Be kind and cordial. Courtesy begets courtesy; cold begets cold.
Remaining silent when mad is a wise move. You planned on saying something. I figure whatever was planned, was not planned in anger. However, you got mad and emotionally highjacked, once seeing him. It is amazing how quickly our feelings can get the best of us. And how quickly those feelings will dissipate when not reinforced.
You need to lead with compassion. That advice is mostly for you, and somewhat H.
“I do want him to know that I am not going to think it is ok to just take off.” “I do expect COMMON COURTESY.”
I agree. Those would be nice to achieve. How did you demonstrate those to H?
Both of these are expectations. The second actually uses the word. Unmet expectations lead to resentment. Remove your timeline, your deadline from H coming around and starting to behave properly and letting you know when he is going / returning. Your expectations are going unmet. Remove the timeframe and move it back to hope.
I hope H will extend me some common courtesy, next time he leaves. This is a lot less demanding of a certain outcome; it feels different.
Extend your common courtesy and say hi to H. Then see how he responds. If an opportunity, to let him know that you’d appreciate him telling you his planned return date when he leaves, presents itself then take it. If not, be patient. You cannot force things with an emotionally troubled person. You can lead by example. You can choose to be better.
See your ego in all this. Your inner voice needing to be right. Let it go. I totally understand how hard that is. Of course H is being self-centred; he’s in MLC.
Originally Posted by PLC
He did not exhibit this behavior while married, but I know he knows that I would have gotten angry and reacted in a bad manner. By being silent that is not the old me.
Silent is better than exploding at H. Good for not “outwardly” being old you. How are you reacting inside?
Do a big 180 on this - for you. Treat H like a roommate. “Hi. How are you?”. Let go your anger and old habits.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Read over Ha Whos thread because she lived with her MLcer for a long time
I agree that being kind and cordial is best and you did good to not blow up at him So if silence is the next best thing, so it is, we are only human and this stuff is hurtful for the LBS
What could you say to him that would help you?
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Ego got in my way so I ignored. This is not what I wanted to do. What I wanted to do was say hi like he never was gone. Not full of emotion, just "hi".
Gerda, the ant analogy is a good one. I can understand what you are saying. One behavior or response will not dictate what he does or doesn't do. All I prefer is that I do not push him any further out the door.
Dnj, you are right, common courtesy with a "roommate" would be to say hi upon a return. I do not know if I could say anything about letting me know when he will be back, but like you said, if the opportunity lends itself.
PT, I will look up Ha Who. What I could've said? I don't know. Maybe just saying hi. Then I wouldn't feel like a kid. (well he doesn't say hi so I won't) I am an adult. No need to be at his level of rudeness.
I need to remember all of these thoughts when I am presented with this situation.
I expect nothing from him. I have not seen him since before he left on his little vacation.
Last year, it was my first one post BD. I gathered up all of my courage and went to dinner alone. No one knew (only D25 does this year) and everyone assumed we were together celebrating.
Each day that goes by since his return with no talking is becoming so normal and somewhat sad. Inwish I would have spoke to him when I had a chance. I think I would have felt better now.
Next time you’re making snacks, or maybe better - go make some snacks and say “Hi H. I’m making some popcorn, would you like some?”.
No pressure. No expectations. Just an offer of popcorn.
H is mixed up and emotionally immature. You need to be the bigger person, the adult in the room. Lead by example. Break the ice and then let him do what he will. You wish would have spoken. A week from now you still will, unless you do something about it.
(((Hugs)))
You got this.
By the way, I like butter and salt on my popcorn. If your making some.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
