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Lost and Separated #2905586
10/12/20 07:48 PM
10/12/20 07:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
J
JayGrass Offline OP
New Member
JayGrass  Offline OP
New Member
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Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
Hello everyone. I'm new here.. and just going to post my story and maybe get some insight and some helpful information while I wait for the books to arrive.

I've been married to my wife for almost 9 years. I love this woman more than I can explain.. we are currently separated. The reason for our separation is that she is basically just unhappy, feels hopeless to fixing anything, feels as if I have caged her due to my angry outbursts, feels constantly stressed, and her anxiety is off the charts from our fighting. She is also suffering from major depression currently. The onset of this was due to her working full time overnights at the hospital as well as attending nursing school full time, in an accelerated program that was only 2 years with no breaks.

I haven't been the greatest husband at all times.. Due to feeling so alone while she did full-time school and work, trust issues I've always had escalated because I felt so alone. I invaded her privacy and checked her emails and stuff. I have been on disability for a few years, so I haven't been able to work due to nerve damage, but I always clean up, cook, made sure she was up for work etc, but she's so angry at me and says she feels like there is more I could have done for her to help her get through school. I have anger issues. I called her names, broke stuff and when we would fight I would fight to win sadly. I never realized how bad my anger issues truly were. I've enrolled to get into anger management and therapy this Wednesday.

Never has there been a question on if I loved her though. I would do anything for this woman and there has been no cheating from my side nor hers.

She says she currently doesn't know what she wants but there has been no talk of divorce.. but she seems so distant, and doesn't want or have the energy to truly work on anything from her side. We barely talk, a few texts here and there or a phone call ever couple of days. She comes off as so cold. She says she still loves me, when we see each other we still kiss and hug.. I just honestly don't know what to do.

I want to talk to her and get everything fixed, but I know that isn't the correct thing to do as it will just continue to push her away, so I'm trying to give her the space she has requested, but I am filled with a massive amount of fear that she will start to feel better and associate feeling better with not being with me. I know we can fix all of this no problem, the majority of the issues were literally my anger, and our communication with each other, to bring up the things that caused so many issues between us. For the first time though I didn't text or call her at all yesterday, and she called me later in the evening. I'm just honestly lost and I feel completely hopeless.. All I want to do is save our marriage and be the two amazing individuals that we have always been together.

Last edited by job; 10/14/20 03:40 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: JayGrass] #2905587
10/12/20 07:50 PM
10/12/20 07:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: JayGrass] #2905592
10/12/20 08:20 PM
10/12/20 08:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
S
Steve85 Offline
Member
Steve85  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
Originally Posted by JayGrass
Hello everyone. I'm new here.. and just going to post my story and maybe get some insight and some helpful information while I wait for the books to arrive.

I've been married to my wife for almost 9 years. I love this woman more than I can explain.. we are currently separated. The reason for our separation is that she is basically just unhappy, feels hopeless to fixing anything, feels as if I have caged her due to my angry outbursts, feels constantly stressed, and her anxiety is off the charts from our fighting. She is also suffering from major depression currently. The onset of this was due to her working full time overnights at the hospital as well as attending nursing school full time, in an accelerated program that was only 2 years with no breaks.

I haven't been the greatest husband at all times.. Due to feeling so alone while she did full-time school and work, trust issues I've always had escalated because I felt so alone. I invaded her privacy and checked her emails and stuff. I have been on disability for a few years, so I haven't been able to work due to nerve damage, but I always clean up, cook, made sure she was up for work etc, but she's so angry at me and says she feels like there is more I could have done for her to help her get through school. I have anger issues. I called her names, broke stuff and when we would fight I would fight to win sadly. I never realized how bad my anger issues truly were. I've enrolled to get into anger management and therapy this Wednesday.

Never has there been a question on if I loved her though. I would do anything for this woman and there has been no cheating from my side nor hers.

She says she currently doesn't know what she wants but there has been no talk of divorce.. but she seems so distant, and doesn't want or have the energy to truly work on anything from her side. We barely talk, a few texts here and there or a phone call ever couple of days. She comes off as so cold. She says she still loves me, when we see each other we still kiss and hug.. I just honestly don't know what to do.

I want to talk to her and get everything fixed, but I know that isn't the correct thing to do as it will just continue to push her away, so I'm trying to give her the space she has requested, but I am filled with a massive amount of fear that she will start to feel better and associate feeling better with not being with me. I know we can fix all of this no problem, the majority of the issues were literally my anger, and our communication with each other, to bring up the things that caused so many issues between us. For the first time though I didn't text or call her at all yesterday, and she called me later in the evening. I'm just honestly lost and I feel completely hopeless.. All I want to do is save our marriage and be the two amazing individuals that we have always been together.


Jay I have good news for you! You clearly have some things to work on for self-improvements. So focus on those. You need to be working on anger management, but you also need ot be in IC. So just become the best Jay that you can be.

Now the bad news: You have no control over her choice to stay or go. You talk about wanting to talk to her get everything fixed. Yeah...not going to happen. Talk will not fix anything. Action will. So your goal is to focus on you, leave her alone, and then let her see, naturally, the changes you are making. DO NOT POINT OUT YOUR CHANGES TO HER. This undoes the changes and convinces her you are temporarily changing to get her back. DO NOT OVERPLAY (SHOW OFF) YOUR CHANGES. Let her notice them naturally.

Also, you seem overly attached to her. That is not a healthy way to live and to be. Your W is leaving you, but what if she were to suddenly pass away? We live in an imperfect world and you need to be setup to be able to move on no matter what happens. So work on this dynamic that comes across from your post that if you lose her your life is over. Even if she leaves you, your life will go on. You need to be ready to live your best life no matter what.

Also, you need to figure out how to go out a get a life. You need to be busy. You are separated from her, the last thing you will be successful doing is sitting around waiting for her to reach out. Waiting for her to want to come back. Start living your life. You had a life before you met her, go out and recapture that life you had. It was enough to attract her once, it may just be enough to attract her back.

I also see you saying you have massive fear. Do you think massive fear is healthy or unhealthy? This is a huge redflag. Doing things and saying things out of fear will rarely get you to move forward the way that you would like. So get into IC so you can talk through this with a qualified professional.

Last edited by job; 10/14/20 03:41 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: Steve85] #2905593
10/12/20 08:32 PM
10/12/20 08:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
J
JayGrass Offline OP
New Member
JayGrass  Offline OP
New Member
J
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by JayGrass
Hello everyone. I'm new here.. and just going to post my story and maybe get some insight and some helpful information while I wait for the books to arrive.

I've been married to my wife for almost 9 years. I love this woman more than I can explain.. we are currently separated. The reason for our separation is that she is basically just unhappy, feels hopeless to fixing anything, feels as if I have caged her due to my angry outbursts, feels constantly stressed, and her anxiety is off the charts from our fighting. She is also suffering from major depression currently. The onset of this was due to her working full time overnights at the hospital as well as attending nursing school full time, in an accelerated program that was only 2 years with no breaks.

I haven't been the greatest husband at all times.. Due to feeling so alone while she did full-time school and work, trust issues I've always had escalated because I felt so alone. I invaded her privacy and checked her emails and stuff. I have been on disability for a few years, so I haven't been able to work due to nerve damage, but I always clean up, cook, made sure she was up for work etc, but she's so angry at me and says she feels like there is more I could have done for her to help her get through school. I have anger issues. I called her names, broke stuff and when we would fight I would fight to win sadly. I never realized how bad my anger issues truly were. I've enrolled to get into anger management and therapy this Wednesday.

Never has there been a question on if I loved her though. I would do anything for this woman and there has been no cheating from my side nor hers.

She says she currently doesn't know what she wants but there has been no talk of divorce.. but she seems so distant, and doesn't want or have the energy to truly work on anything from her side. We barely talk, a few texts here and there or a phone call ever couple of days. She comes off as so cold. She says she still loves me, when we see each other we still kiss and hug.. I just honestly don't know what to do.

I want to talk to her and get everything fixed, but I know that isn't the correct thing to do as it will just continue to push her away, so I'm trying to give her the space she has requested, but I am filled with a massive amount of fear that she will start to feel better and associate feeling better with not being with me. I know we can fix all of this no problem, the majority of the issues were literally my anger, and our communication with each other, to bring up the things that caused so many issues between us. For the first time though I didn't text or call her at all yesterday, and she called me later in the evening. I'm just honestly lost and I feel completely hopeless.. All I want to do is save our marriage and be the two amazing individuals that we have always been together.


Jay I have good news for you! You clearly have some things to work on for self-improvements. So focus on those. You need to be working on anger management, but you also need ot be in IC. So just become the best Jay that you can be.

Now the bad news: You have no control over her choice to stay or go. You talk about wanting to talk to her get everything fixed. Yeah...not going to happen. Talk will not fix anything. Action will. So your goal is to focus on you, leave her alone, and then let her see, naturally, the changes you are making. DO NOT POINT OUT YOUR CHANGES TO HER. This undoes the changes and convinces her you are temporarily changing to get her back. DO NOT OVERPLAY (SHOW OFF) YOUR CHANGES. Let her notice them naturally.

Also, you seem overly attached to her. That is not a healthy way to live and to be. Your W is leaving you, but what if she were to suddenly pass away? We live in an imperfect world and you need to be setup to be able to move on no matter what happens. So work on this dynamic that comes across from your post that if you lose her your life is over. Even if she leaves you, your life will go on. You need to be ready to live your best life no matter what.

Also, you need to figure out how to go out a get a life. You need to be busy. You are separated from her, the last thing you will be successful doing is sitting around waiting for her to reach out. Waiting for her to want to come back. Start living your life. You had a life before you met her, go out and recapture that life you had. It was enough to attract her once, it may just be enough to attract her back.

I also see you saying you have massive fear. Do you think massive fear is healthy or unhealthy? This is a huge redflag. Doing things and saying things out of fear will rarely get you to move forward the way that you would like. So get into IC so you can talk through this with a qualified professional.


I understand what you are saying Steve85. Thank you for the insight. I know those are the things that I need to be doing and I am already set up to go in on Wednesday. It should help me work through a lot of the issues I'm feeling. I know that my life won't be over if she leaves me, we've been the best of friends and in love with each other for almost half our lives. I lost a lot of friends during the timeframe of my disability and us moving from Florida to WA so she could be closer to family - and then back here to Florida.. so I don't really have people to go out with or anything like that. I haven't effectively been waiting around for her to contact and I've truly been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, but alas with my disability + the lack of friends.. that isn't essentially that easy. I could see me potentially being over attached to her as well, but I'm not certain that's the case.. I just haven't really had too many people in my life for quite some time due to things and she is my rock, and I've been hers for a long time. My post may also sound more dramatic than I really am.. I'm just quite emotional.. this is only going into the third week of being separated.

Last edited by job; 10/14/20 03:42 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: JayGrass] #2905596
10/12/20 08:49 PM
10/12/20 08:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
Hello Jay, sorry you find yourself here but welcome!

Originally Posted by JayGrass
The reason for our separation is that she is basically just unhappy, feels hopeless to fixing anything, feels as if I have caged her due to my angry outbursts, feels constantly stressed, and her anxiety is off the charts from our fighting. She is also suffering from major depression currently. The onset of this was due to her working full time overnights at the hospital as well as attending nursing school full time, in an accelerated program that was only 2 years with no breaks.


My daughter is in a P/A program now and it is unbelievable how much they are expected to do in a 24 hour day. It's a miracle that any relationship survives that. Is she still in school or has she graduated?

Quote
I haven't been the greatest husband at all times.. Due to feeling so alone while she did full-time school and work, trust issues I've always had escalated because I felt so alone. I invaded her privacy and checked her emails and stuff.


One of the things you'll read about in DR is doing 180's. What it means is to do the opposite of whatever bad behavior you were engaged in before. At first she'll see it as tricks to get her back (which it will be for you at first) but if you stick to your 180's for a very long period of time and make them permanent, eventually she'll realize you really have changed and that could attract her back.

Please understand these things take time, a lot of time. It's not unusual for it to take over a year or even years before a WAS has a change of heart. Sometimes it's faster than that but very few LBS's have the patience to wait it out. Most will try a few months before throwing in the towel and seeking a "replacement". We definitely advise against that and recommend "standing" for at least a year.

Quote
so I haven't been able to work due to nerve damage, but I always clean up, cook, made sure she was up for work etc, but she's so angry at me and says she feels like there is more I could have done for her to help her get through school.


Those are not bad things, but they are all beta behavior. Alpha behavior is what typically attracts women, and a good balance of alpha and beta keeps them interested.

Quote
I have anger issues. I called her names, broke stuff and when we would fight I would fight to win sadly. I never realized how bad my anger issues truly were. I've enrolled to get into anger management and therapy this Wednesday.


Good, please do address that. Abusive behavior completely negates whatever positive things you may have been doing, so it is important to get that under control right away. And don't be confused about this, even if you never laid a hand on her that does not excuse that type of behavior or make it any less abusive and damaging to the victim of it.

Quote
She says she currently doesn't know what she wants but there has been no talk of divorce.. but she seems so distant, and doesn't want or have the energy to truly work on anything from her side. We barely talk, a few texts here and there or a phone call ever couple of days. She comes off as so cold. She says she still loves me, when we see each other we still kiss and hug.. I just honestly don't know what to do.


Yes it's the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" attitude. Right now she loves you like a relative, not an intimate companion. You've got to respect that and not try to push intimacy on her. Don't engage in R talks at all. Give her as much time and space as is possible.

Quote
I want to talk to her and get everything fixed, but I know that isn't the correct thing to do as it will just continue to push her away


Exactly right. Everything you do right now is pressure, and she wants zero pressure. So as hard as it is, pull back and give her space. That is what she wants and needs. And be abundantly patient! That is key.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: AnotherStander] #2905599
10/12/20 09:07 PM
10/12/20 09:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
J
JayGrass Offline OP
New Member
JayGrass  Offline OP
New Member
J
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Hello Jay, sorry you find yourself here but welcome!

Thank you. She has graduated and obtained the nclex as of the beginning of September.

Quote
One of the things you'll read about in DR is doing 180's. What it means is to do the opposite of whatever bad behavior you were engaged in before. At first she'll see it as tricks to get her back (which it will be for you at first) but if you stick to your 180's for a very long period of time and make them permanent, eventually she'll realize you really have changed and that could attract her back.

Please understand these things take time, a lot of time. It's not unusual for it to take over a year or even years before a WAS has a change of heart. Sometimes it's faster than that but very few LBS's have the patience to wait it out. Most will try a few months before throwing in the towel and seeking a "replacement". We definitely advise against that and recommend "standing" for at least a year.


I don't want anyone else, she's always been the apple of my eye. I understand that and I'm definitely in it for the long haul.. as long as it takes.

[quote]Those are not bad things, but they are all beta behavior. Alpha behavior is what typically attracts women, and a good balance of alpha and beta keeps them interested.


What exactly would be considered Alpha behavior that you would suggest incorporating?

Quote
Good, please do address that. Abusive behavior completely negates whatever positive things you may have been doing, so it is important to get that under control right away. And don't be confused about this, even if you never laid a hand on her that does not excuse that type of behavior or make it any less abusive and damaging to the victim of it.


I whole heartedly understand that, and this behavior has been curbed for some time. I didn't realize what I was doing and she finally opened up to me about it, and once I was aware of what I was doing by lashing out, I immediately fixed the behavior and never once repeated it.

Quote
Yes it's the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" attitude. Right now she loves you like a relative, not an intimate companion. You've got to respect that and not try to push intimacy on her. Don't engage in R talks at all. Give her as much time and space as is possible.


I haven't been trying to push either intimacy or talking for the most part, I have slipped about talking, but am getting a way better handle on that. I'm not sure if its that she isn't in love with me, as we kind of specifically talked about that and she had told me that she certainly still loved me as a "lover".

Quote
Exactly right. Everything you do right now is pressure, and she wants zero pressure. So as hard as it is, pull back and give her space. That is what she wants and needs. And be abundantly patient! That is key.


How do I go about acting for the most part? She's staying with family a few hours away, and still works here in town and is commuting. (3 x 12 hour shifts.) She makes it a point to come see me, and like I had said, she just kind of called me out of nowhere last night after not contacting her all day. I know to not talk about things, but should I just go with the ebb and flow of the conversation? Try to be funny and flirty with her like my personality was / has always been? Strictly business even if the call isn't about anything serious?

Re: Lost and Separated [Re: JayGrass] #2905607
10/12/20 11:34 PM
10/12/20 11:34 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
C
Core Offline
Member
Core  Offline
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C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
Hi Jay,

Sorry to see you're here. The boards are quite helpful at these difficult times thankfull.
Originally Posted by JayGrass

What exactly would be considered Alpha behavior that you would suggest incorporating?

The Married Man Sex Life Primer is a good book to help here. Take up space, talk clearly, dont slump, dont give in on your boundaries, be a man of action, controversial ones here...cut down on defending, explaining and rationalizing.

Originally Posted by Jaygrass

I haven't been trying to push either intimacy or talking for the most part, I have slipped about talking, but am getting a way better handle on that. I'm not sure if its that she isn't in love with me, as we kind of specifically talked about that and she had told me that she certainly still loved me as a "lover".

Trust nothing she says during this. Only her actions. Many times, the LBS is strung along or placed as a Plan B option. You want to be Plan A. Many say ILY as they are doing and saying awful things with/to others.

Originally Posted by Jaygrass

How do I go about acting for the most part? She's staying with family a few hours away, and still works here in town and is commuting. (3 x 12 hour shifts.) She makes it a point to come see me, and like I had said, she just kind of called me out of nowhere last night after not contacting her all day. I know to not talk about things, but should I just go with the ebb and flow of the conversation? Try to be funny and flirty with her like my personality was / has always been? Strictly business even if the call isn't about anything serious?

Don't act. Start being who you want to and working on any 180s you want to address. If you want to be fun, go for it. Flirty is iffy at this point however as it may comes across as pressure. If she's looking at you like a relative, then she doesn't want flirty.

Come around as you need to here and stay strong.

Last edited by Core; 10/12/20 11:35 PM.

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: Core] #2905609
10/12/20 11:56 PM
10/12/20 11:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
J
JayGrass Offline OP
New Member
JayGrass  Offline OP
New Member
J
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Core
Hi Jay,

Sorry to see you're here. The boards are quite helpful at these difficult times thankfull.


Thanks. This stuff is the worst feelings I've ever had I'd have to say.

Quote
The Married Man Sex Life Primer is a good book to help here. Take up space, talk clearly, dont slump, dont give in on your boundaries, be a man of action, controversial ones here...cut down on defending, explaining and rationalizing.


Thanks for the advice and the book recommendation, I'll definitely check it out.

Quote
Trust nothing she says during this. Only her actions. Many times, the LBS is strung along or placed as a Plan B option. You want to be Plan A. Many say ILY as they are doing and saying awful things with/to others.


I'm about 99% sure there is nothing going on with others - her and her family morals she would never be married and do something(at least that's how interpreted that.) She honestly mostly just seems so caught up in her feelings that she has herself so jumbled between her depression, anxiety, and stress that she doesn't seem to inherently be able to piece together anything of what she is feeling.

Quote
Don't act. Start being who you want to and working on any 180s you want to address. If you want to be fun, go for it. Flirty is iffy at this point however as it may comes across as pressure. If she's looking at you like a relative, then she doesn't want flirty.


Yeah I'm trying to, I'm getting started on most of this daily. I've never been much a man of faith, while her and her family / upbringing heavily hinged on this. I've even opened my door to that and I'm taking an actual interest in it and speaking with a Father of our local church, in order to help gain some clarity and have something to put my faith in currently. I'm starting into therapy and anger management in two days to start resolving a lot of my issues. I've also mostly stopped pursuing her by not really initiating contact, and being as nonchalant as possible, exiting arguments, and trying my best to not even allow any kind of butting heads to take place.

Re: Lost and Separated [Re: JayGrass] #2905646
10/13/20 02:43 PM
10/13/20 02:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
Originally Posted by JayGrass
Thank you. She has graduated and obtained the nclex as of the beginning of September.


OK that's a good thing, hopefully a lot of the pressure she was feeling from that will begin to diminish. That along with you removing pressure will hopefully help her sort things out emotionally.

Quote
I don't want anyone else, she's always been the apple of my eye. I understand that and I'm definitely in it for the long haul.. as long as it takes.


Great! Like I said a lot of people don't have the patience for it, but those that do stand a much better chance of reconciling.

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What exactly would be considered Alpha behavior that you would suggest incorporating?


Core's book suggestion is a good one. Some people consider the book to be a bit on the crude side but it definitely will help you understand alpha versus beta behavior. Alpha doesn't mean being a pushy jerk, it just means being confident and assertive. A lot of LBS's attracted their spouse in the first place because of their alpha characteristics. Strong, confident, independent. They might be interested in multiple women and she has to compete to win him over. Then they go through the dating process and get married and become responsible fathers and husbands and often lose touch with their alpha side and become very beta. That is not a bad thing, but it's not what women are particularly attracted to. Obviously you don't want to abandon all your responsibilities, so you don't want to be alpha at the expense of your beta duties. You have to find a balance. My girlfriend once told me she just about lost it once when she saw me ironing my work shirt. She said it was one of the sexiest things she had ever seen. I asked her why, and she said because most men think that's a woman's "job", so to see a man confident and independent enough to do it himself was appealing. I would never have thought a woman would ever see ironing as sexy, but the point is if you strike the right balance then everything about you is appealing.

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I whole heartedly understand that, and this behavior has been curbed for some time. I didn't realize what I was doing and she finally opened up to me about it, and once I was aware of what I was doing by lashing out, I immediately fixed the behavior and never once repeated it.


Very good. Like I said before, she won't believe your changes at first so stick with them and make them permanent. A woman that used to post here a lot had a saying that went something like "180's + time = changes she can believe in". Most people do 180's for a week or two expecting to see a reaction, and when they don't get it they give up and go back to their old ways. TIME is a critical factor.

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I haven't been trying to push either intimacy or talking for the most part, I have slipped about talking, but am getting a way better handle on that. I'm not sure if its that she isn't in love with me, as we kind of specifically talked about that and she had told me that she certainly still loved me as a "lover".


It's OK to talk to her, giving her space doesn't mean completely shutting her out. It just means no R talks. If SHE initiates an R talk then listen and validate (see Cadet's links for info on validating). Don't ever initiate them yourself.

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How do I go about acting for the most part?


See Sandi's 37 rules, it's a sticky at the top of the forum. I printed them out and reviewed them every day early on.

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I know to not talk about things, but should I just go with the ebb and flow of the conversation? Try to be funny and flirty with her like my personality was / has always been? Strictly business even if the call isn't about anything serious?


Yes, do go along with the conversation. Don't try to be flirty though. She's likely to see that as pressure. Plus you want to be a bit mysterious. Don't offer up info on what you've been doing (or not doing). Be brief. Be the first to hang up when she calls. Don't always answer right away when she calls. Don't always respond right away when she texts. Right now she sees you as low value and undesirable. You need to do things to change that. Dress nicer. Keep your hair styled. Wear cologne. Get out and be with people. Get back in touch with old friends. Meet new ones. Start a new hobby. Get fit if you're not already. Get a tan. I'm not saying to start dating or even to act like you're dating, the idea isn't to make her jealous, it's to make her wonder what you're up to. She needs to learn to miss you.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Lost and Separated [Re: JayGrass] #2905677
10/13/20 07:29 PM
10/13/20 07:29 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,799
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
Member
Ready2Change  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,799
Colorado
Hi Jay,

I am assuming no kids since you did not mention them. If so, would you mind sharing how many and ages (as well as your age). Helps us understand better.

Update your signature with some info would help us as well:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=editbasic


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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