We got talking this morning and I tried explaining that I was unhappy which she knew but couldn't understand why. I dug deep for some very difficult words. She asked if I wanted her to leave and I couldn't say yes. More talking, more tears from both of us. She did ask if I was open to seeing her therapist as a couple and I agreed that if I couldn't work with S on getting over my unhappiness that we certainly should do that.
S did say, no brick throwing please, that she was happy here and with me except for the fact that I was unhappy and that I seem to be shutting her out.
I honestly don't know if this was right or wrong choice but the choice has been made. I am also sure that S will be on edge for the next while which is an unfortunate consequence of me being open with her.
I'm glad that even though I didn't have the courage to deal with this, that when the opportunity came to talk that I did and was honest.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We got talking this morning and I tried explaining that I was unhappy which she knew but couldn't understand why. I dug deep for some very difficult words. She asked if I wanted her to leave and I couldn't say yes. More talking, more tears from both of us. She did ask if I was open to seeing her therapist as a couple and I agreed that if I couldn't work with S on getting over my unhappiness that we certainly should do that.
S did say, no brick throwing please, that she was happy here and with me except for the fact that I was unhappy and that I seem to be shutting her out.
I honestly don't know if this was right or wrong choice but the choice has been made. I am also sure that S will be on edge for the next while which is an unfortunate consequence of me being open with her.
I'm glad that even though I didn't have the courage to deal with this, that when the opportunity came to talk that I did and was honest.
(((Andrew)))
I know this is so very difficult and you don't want to hurt S. From where I'm sitting, you were neither open with her nor were you honest with her, at least not completely. You've made the decision to end it and now you are backtracking and talking about going to therapy with her. This is not serving you well at all. You were honest about being unhappy, but she says she couldn't understand. This is so hard, Andrew, really, and there is not one of us on this board who doesn't support you and want to help you through all this, but you cannot prolong it and get sucked back in. You have made a decision and you need to push forward with it. You DO know if it is the right or wrong choice. Deep down in your heart, you do know. Hold on to that.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Did you at least have the courage to tell her what was MAKING you unhappy???? Of course she's happy there - no responsibilities, bills paid, lounging around watching TV and not bothering to clean up after herself or her brood. She's living the life of an irresponsible teenager on your dime.
If you didn't make it clear, you need to put it in writing. Expectations need to be clear. Something along the lines of:
The clutter has to go. Now. Not 6 more months from now. She needs to get help for her hoarding.
Things have to be cleaned up. The dog has to be let out every night before she goes to bed to do it's duty. Dishes need to be washed and food put away after dinner meals.
There needs to be complete financial transparency on her part and the grocery spending needs to be jointly agreed.
That you expect her to make some effort to get up in the morning at a reasonable hour.
BUT - these would be things to discuss if you were interested in making this work. I'd suggest that it is just delaying the inevitable and would be a waste of time but if you're not ending this now then these are the bare minimum of things that would be required.
Also - I would jump at the chance to attend a session with her therapist and take that opportunity to relate to her therapist that she's a hoarder and you can't live with that.
But in all reality, hoarders are very difficult to work with and it's unlikely that she will change. Plus the hoarding is just one aspect - if she was a hoarder who treated you great and respectfully in all other ways, it might be different. But she is not. She doesn't enforce the chores chart with her boys, she doesn't even clean up the kitchen after herself. And she doesn't even have the insight to know why you might be unhappy with living in this hoarding mess!
I’m not S and she isn’t me, but I can honesty that if I was in a new relationship (and it’s still new) I’d try be the dream partner.
Your place would be spotless, the sex would be frequent (as it’s still new and fresh, for now ;)). I wouldn’t spend my time on the phone, I’d go to bed the same time as you and I’d want to get up early to potter about my new home.....making it mine.
In my experience, and I’m only talking about me.....if you are getting nooky once a fortnight a year into your relationship, you’ll be lucky to get it on your birthday once the ring is on her finger.
I know we’re not teenagers here with raging hormones, but come on.
You guys are not compatible. No amount of council will change that
Oh Andrew. A few sessions with HER therapist isn’t going to make her into someone she is not, and most likely will never be. Nothing is going to change except for drawing out the inevitable.
If you are going to melt every time you try to have a deep discussion w/her because she's tearing up or whatever, then I suggest you type up a list of the things that are making you unhappy and give it to her. Trust me, she understands more than she's letting on. She has this way about her and it's called manipulation and saying she doesn't understand. She darn well knows that you are very close to telling her to hit the road and once again, another kibble has been tossed to Andrew to keep him on the string. She's blind to your needs and quite frankly, doesn't give a fig about how your home looks and smells, nor does she appear to respect you and your home.
If you ever, and I mean ever get so disgusted that you tell her to hit the road, you are going to have one heck of a time getting rid of her. She's going to try everything in her bag of tricks to stay there and keep you. Why? Because she knows you make good money and are a kind and compassionate man and have a home. Stop and think about how she reacted about you stalling on her moving in. That was manipulation on her part and she's not going easily. She knows that she can manipulate you to do whatever she wants. Andrew, you've got to get stronger and just tell her.
BTW, going to therapy w/her...I would have to meet w/the therapist on my own and lay it all out to the person. You need to tell the therapist that if things do not improve, she's out the door. You are not the one w/the problem...she is.
We all understand that you are trying to give this relationship every chance, but after 5 months, things should have gotten better not worse. It's time for her to either sh*t or get off the pot, better yet, get out of that freaking bed and be an adult and a mother to her two boys that are living there. They are not your responsibility.
You have to buck up and tell her and do not put this off another week. She needs to hear exactly why you are unhappy and she needs to understand that if things do not change after that conversation and continue to change, she, her children, the pets and all of her stuff will be out the door.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She asked if I wanted her to leave and I couldn't say yes.
So I'm guessing you said no? I was out running errands and not able to post so many of you beat me to it. I too get it's difficult, though I don't understand much of it, so that part is more difficult. But here's my problem with all of this:
You lied to her, Andrew. Correct? I mean we see this all over the boards. A wayward spouse is asked "are you sleeping with X?" or "Are you seeing someone else?" and the answer given is no. It of course is a lie (in their cases not yours) but they lie - and this infuriates the left behind person all the more. Why lie to her? That's what gets to me. And i suspect the answer is NOT to make her feel better - it's to make YOU feel better. Am I correct?
I can understand perhaps you were not ready to kick her out. Okay, that's understandable. But why not at least, when asked, "Do you want me to leave?", answer with, "It's been crossing my mind a lot lately." or even "I'm still thinking about all sorts of options, but yes that is certainly one of them." There are many other response options that could at lease provide an honest answer to her rather than a lie.
I agree with the others that going to C is not going to help anything - and you know that too. But it's the chicken's way out. Sorry, I typed and deleted that several times but it's going to stay. There is no way any couple can have any chance of solving things and making them better if they are both not honest about issues. If you really do want to give this some last ditch chance, you'll not get there by avoiding the truth. You need to be honest. TELL HER THE TRUTH. Tell, her this has been bothering you for a while now. You don't think it's going to work but you feel bad for her and the boys and don't want her to be hurt. BE HONEST. If you lie to her she is going to be MORE HURT. Tell her how you are feeling. It's only by being honest and putting our cards on the table that ANY R can work - whether with a co-worker, with a relative or with a lover. PLEASE TELL HER THE TRUTH.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Stop and think about how she reacted about you stalling on her moving in. That was manipulation on her part
Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten about that. You very reasonably tried to slow that runaway train down and in the end, all you got was less than a month's delay. Do you see now how NOT standing up for yourself at that time led to more pain in the long run?
And it's entirely possible that by NOT standing up for yourself today, you could be put in the position of booting hem out of your house on Christmas Eve?
No good deed goes unpunished, and trying to soften the blow by not telling the truth doesn't help anything.
Frankly, I'd sit her down again tomorrow and say: "Look, this is really difficult but I wasn't entirely truthful with you yesterday. My unhappiness is really caused by living in the mess that you brought with you and apparently are accustomed to. I simply cannot live like this and I believe I have given you more than enough time to fix the problem. I am seeing now that it won't ever be really fixed because you have a problem with hoarding. I feel bad because I don't want to hurt you or the boys but this is simply not what I thought I was getting into. I do think it would be best for all of us if you started looking for a new place."
What are you expecting to happen with couples therapy? I recommend meeting with a counselor that specializes in couples therapy and not someone either of you have worked with before.
Were you really honest with her?? I don't understand how she couldn't understand why you're unhappy if you were honest.
