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Originally Posted by Steve85

I think my W did find this site. I am almost positive she's been here. There is nothing you can do about that. Maybe you should change your screen name to something more obfuscated?

Good idea. Will I lose all my threads? How do I reach out to the mods about that?

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Originally Posted by LH19
T,

Your W wouldn’t be on this site because she doesn’t want to fix the marriage. There is nothing we or anybody can do to change her mind. I suggest you really dig down deep and look at your role in this so this does not happen to you again in the future.

Onward and upward.

Believe me, I am trying to figure things out. I wrote about my 180s earlier. But the most important one is to not neglect my beloved's feelings. Ever. Also to communicate. I have been working on them through intensive discussions with others, not just my therapist.

It's too bad, my STBXW would like the tom 2.0. But she spent the last few years convincing herself I was beyond repair and fell out of love with me. She succumbed to the social messages that Michele decries, that the only way to save oneself is to divorce. Too bad. Her next husband will not have learned DB principles and she will find herself in the same situation.

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Dude, you are totally reading waaay too much into everything. You are spinning. Calm your mind, relax...

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Originally Posted by tom_h


It's too bad, my STBXW would like the tom 2.0. But she spent the last few years convincing herself I was beyond repair and fell out of love with me. She succumbed to the social messages that Michele decries, that the only way to save oneself is to divorce. Too bad. Her next husband will not have learned DB principles and she will find herself in the same situation.


This is why pressure and pursuit never works in these situations! The things you do at the beginning of getting to know someone never works when the person already knows you so well. So many LBSs struggle with this. "Well, I won them originally by these behaviors........." Those behaviors will not work in these situations because there is too much water under the bridge. What can help is to back off and give them space. Let them miss you. The old "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Now sometimes there is too much water under that bridge, or there is new water under the bridge (OP), and that means no approach is going to save the MR. But even in those cases the backing off and focusing on yourself is the right approach.

So whether there is hope or no hope of saving the MR, focusing on yourself, backing off and giving them time and space is the right approach!


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Originally Posted by Vapo
Dude, you are totally reading waaay too much into everything. You are spinning. Calm your mind, relax...

OK, I stand chastised. Call it a curse. But I do overanalyze everything. Can't help it. It's the mark of a technical man, and a soft-hearted one at that.

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by tom_h
It's too bad, my STBXW would like the tom 2.0. But she spent the last few years convincing herself I was beyond repair and fell out of love with me. She succumbed to the social messages that Michele decries, that the only way to save oneself is to divorce. Too bad. Her next husband will not have learned DB principles and she will find herself in the same situation.

This is why pressure and pursuit never works in these situations! The things you do at the beginning of getting to know someone never works when the person already knows you so well. So many LBSs struggle with this. "Well, I won them originally by these behaviors........." Those behaviors will not work in these situations because there is too much water under the bridge. What can help is to back off and give them space. Let them miss you. The old "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Now sometimes there is too much water under that bridge, or there is new water under the bridge (OP), and that means no approach is going to save the MR. But even in those cases the backing off and focusing on yourself is the right approach.

So whether there is hope or no hope of saving the MR, focusing on yourself, backing off and giving them time and space is the right approach!

Believe me, Steve, I am on board with you. With everyone. I do understand and I believe it to be true. I got religion!

What's crazy is when I look back, over those first three months, I see how I made all the mistakes you mention. Sending sweet loving emails and letters. Sending her a couple of songs by a lovely Christian couple about failure and "keeping the light on for me." Telling her that I would change any behavior, go to any counselor she chose, or accept any type of trial separation she wanted.

In the first month, she and her lawyer tried to play a dirty trick on me (it would have resulted in a judge's order to boot me from the house) but I didn't fall for it; I wrote her an email a few weeks later telling her I forgave her, and understand why she might have wanted to try it. She never replied to a single email or text. I had the kids for that first Thanksgiving (60 days after D-Day) and invited her to come, for just food and laughs, no discussion; she never answered. I invited her to my choral performances (I am a choral musician as an avocation and had recently jointed a very prestigious chorale) but never got even a hint of a reply.

I didn't do anything dumb like call her sisters or best friends; I knew exactly which ones would have known everything in advance.

About the only thing I didn't do is send her photos from our wedding by text! But then again, even I am not that much of a numbskull.

To me it was the utmost in sincerity. To her it was too little too late. She had checked out months, perhaps years earlier, and had been pushed to the breaking point.

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Originally Posted by Rose888
[quote=tom_h]
I'm sorry you are in this situation.

The two statements I put in bold seem to contradict each other. Not communicating well is a significant issue. Have you considered that your wife might not be talking because she has given up trying to communicate with you?

Do you have any specifics of what your wife felt was not working in the communication between the two of you? You mentioned wanting to improve yourself for your next relationship. Given what you've shared here, I would start with exploring what was wrong with the communication in your marriage--thinking from your wife's perspective as much as you can--and learning better communication habits.

Also, have you read up on the Five Love Languages? What is your love language? What is your wife's?

Rose, can we pick up on this question that you asked me two months ago? I think I'm now ready to answer it and I would value your perspective.

I took the love languages quiz and found out that my top love language is physical touch. Close behind were Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. The three of them were almost tied. It's interesting, I took them while discussing it with a friend who knows me well. I don't think that Words of Affirmation would have been near the top until the last few years, when I had some personal setbacks; but I had turned 50 and all of a sudden, being Mr Strong Guy wasn't as important and I needed affirmation as to who I really was.

You asked what my STBXW's love languages would have been; I know for certain it would have been Acts of Service.

There is no doubt that neither of us attended to the other's love language, especially during the last 5-10 years before she walked out.

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Tom,

I’m going to give you my opinion because I’m trying to help you. Instead of digging into your Ws love language I think you really need to dig deep into your true feelings about women. You have offended a few women on this board with your misogynistic comments. Your W not speaking to you at all is a red flag. Most WWs would like to be friends if the LBS would let them. I don’t think your W is a typical WW as you view her to be and I certainly think she may have a different story to tell.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Tom,

I’m going to give you my opinion because I’m trying to help you. Instead of digging into your Ws love language I think you really need to dig deep into your true feelings about women. You have offended a few women on this board with your misogynistic comments. Your W not speaking to you at all is a red flag. Most WWs would like to be friends if the LBS would let them. I don’t think your W is a typical WW as you view her to be and I certainly think she may have a different story to tell.

Interesting. "Misogyny" means hatred, aversion to, or prejudice against women. I have none of them. I adore my two daughters and adored my wife until she walked out. So perhaps you can prove such a dramatic claim, using my own words. Remember the definition.

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Hi Tom,

If you’re curious and want to make changes, given you’ve received a few such comments, perhaps you could take an initial stab at what you say that may come off that way? If no luck, Id be happy to help later when I have a few. Accepting faults and making changes is a slow, slow process!

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