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A Message from Michele
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Re: Just trying to hold on... [Re: Steve_] #2906268
10/20/20 04:20 PM
10/20/20 04:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,854
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve_
She threatened to take them away if I left like that.

Hi Steve, acting out of fear is not strong Steve. I sympathize as there definitely was a time when I lived in fear of my ex not following our custody schedule, boosted by hearing from other dads who'd let their ex's limit access to their kids for 6+ months and it became the status quo. That evaporated when I got an attorney. Even if they cost $500/hr, if you write efficient business-like e-mails, "She threated to take my kids away. Could she?? What would be my recourse?", a 6-minute response for $50 is well-worth the peace of mind. She had multiple plans, all ending with me getting my kids back within 7 days, and positively affecting my status/odds in future custody and support negotiations or court dates.

Your other argument--that staying with your friend would be rough on the kids--make sense. I fully support thinking about what's best for the kids. Waiting for your own place may be wise.

I also support not "provoking" your ex with further negative interactions. E.g., when you do move out I'd say "FYI, I'm moving out in 7 days." Simple, business-like communication. I wouldn't argue, justify, or add, "..and just so you know if you try to take the kids my attorney said we'd do X." You know arguing with her is your Achilles' Heal, so consider thinking through what you fear she'd say and how you'd respond if at all.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Just trying to hold on... [Re: Steve_] #2906273
10/20/20 05:04 PM
10/20/20 05:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,851
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 7,851
Originally Posted by Steve_
I would have to get my own place. All my money was tied up in The other home and I wonít get on my feet for about a month. Itís another month of being here in hell. Dealing with this mess. I could stay with a friend but having the kids there on my days would be rough. She threatened to take them away if I left like that. So I donít know just vanishing will for sure provoke her. I think the best thing I can do is just hunker down and work work work for the next 30 days so I can leave to my own place.


Acting, or not acting, out of fear is rarely a position of strength. If moving in with a friend is what you want to do, then do it. This woman didn't even want to have the kids stay at her new place on her days with them...I doubt she'd try to take them away. And if she did she would not be successful. Stop worrying about what she says and does.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Just trying to hold on... [Re: Steve_] #2906277
10/20/20 06:44 PM
10/20/20 06:44 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 253
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 253
Yeah I was doing okay with things until she asked me to get an apartment together and she would stay there her days. That just rang the bell in my head.. ďwhy canít she take them where she lives?Ē Oh I know why, because her room mate is not just a room mate and they would find out and tell everyone and be pissed at her big time. Like I said my kids are super loyal they will rip her a new ass for that. She told me ďI could bring them here but i donít want to confuse them seeing me living with another guy.Ē Like 25% of me wants to believe she isnít lying but the other 75% says she is. I think this whole ordeal was an exit affair. She found this guy and planned all this stuff out lied to us all and any time I ask questions or call out the BS she gets really pissed. Itís clear she wanted to cake eat for a few months to decide. I canít allow that to happen. I might have gone about it wrong confronting her but I did, I told her I donít believe her and she would need to prove to me she isnít lying otherwise we are not cool. I have only responded to things regarding kids/work since then and she has as well. I beat myself for sending the long text message to her when I realized I was being played. It was not necessary I could have just said no to the apartment but I felt the need to explain in detail why. Needless to say she has not lifted a finger to show me I was incorrect. I think at this point she sees that I see itís all BS and her fake niceness is gonna dissapear now that Iím not playing along.

I know I gotta walk a line between anger and niceness. Indifference is what I need right now. I do want my wife back but thatís the last thing she needs to know. As long as I continue to show emotion she wins. Itís sometimes hard to stuff it down but I guess at least everything is on the table now. /shrug

Last edited by Steve_; 10/20/20 06:47 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She filed: 9/24
She moved out 10/15 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27
Re: Just trying to hold on... [Re: Steve_] #2906282
10/20/20 07:11 PM
10/20/20 07:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,851
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,851
Originally Posted by Steve_
I do want my wife back but thatís the last thing she needs to know. As long as I continue to show emotion she wins.


Why? She is shacking up with another guy? Where is your self-esteem? Move on and don't look back.

IF she changes and shows you those changes for a really long time (MONTHS minimum), then consider taking her back.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Just trying to hold on... [Re: Steve_] #2906292
10/20/20 08:18 PM
10/20/20 08:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 373
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Mumin Offline
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Mumin  Offline
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Posts: 373
Originally Posted by Steve_
Yeah I was doing okay with things until she asked me to get an apartment together and she would stay there her days. That just rang the bell in my head.. ďwhy canít she take them where she lives?Ē Oh I know why, because her room mate is not just a room mate and they would find out and tell everyone and be pissed at her big time. Like I said my kids are super loyal they will rip her a new ass for that. She told me ďI could bring them here but i donít want to confuse them seeing me living with another guy.Ē Like 25% of me wants to believe she isnít lying but the other 75% says she is. I think this whole ordeal was an exit affair. She found this guy and planned all this stuff out lied to us all and any time I ask questions or call out the BS she gets really pissed. Itís clear she wanted to cake eat for a few months to decide. I canít allow that to happen. I might have gone about it wrong confronting her but I did, I told her I donít believe her and she would need to prove to me she isnít lying otherwise we are not cool. I have only responded to things regarding kids/work since then and she has as well. I beat myself for sending the long text message to her when I realized I was being played. It was not necessary I could have just said no to the apartment but I felt the need to explain in detail why. Needless to say she has not lifted a finger to show me I was incorrect. I think at this point she sees that I see itís all BS and her fake niceness is gonna dissapear now that Iím not playing along.

I know I gotta walk a line between anger and niceness. Indifference is what I need right now. I do want my wife back but thatís the last thing she needs to know. As long as I continue to show emotion she wins. Itís sometimes hard to stuff it down but I guess at least everything is on the table now. /shrug


Stop focusing so much on her!!!
Plan for yourself. Talk to L about kids IMMEDIATELY if you havnt yet.
Great with the loan! Look for places you can afford. Where and what will work for you?
GAAAAAL!

OH, and you need to start a new thread.

Last edited by Mumin; 10/20/20 08:18 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Re: Just trying to hold on... [Re: Mumin] #2906298
10/20/20 08:58 PM
10/20/20 08:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,694
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,694
Southern Maryland

Last edited by job; 10/21/20 05:36 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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