I wouldn't do anything to harm myself if that's what you mean. I know its not uncommon to have thoughts of ending it all. Don't get me wrong, I been down that road before, 10 years army active duty, PTSD etc... But not going there, I actually work with people like that all day in my job as a psych nurse.
Giving up means not doing anything anymore for her, being a jerk when she contacts me, not watching my kids any extra days to punish her, pretty much just giving in to the anger, telling her family what shes doing. Treating her pretty much the way shes treating me.
Standing means to me doing the right thing even if its painful, staying off dating websites, being alone for probably the next 6months to just heal. Taking care of things for the kids and that she will need but not to please just things that are necessary. Committing to doing the right thing for awhile maybe a year idk, that wont damage my marriage. Sort of holding on without actually reaching for anything. Staying away from alcohol, women, bad choices. All the stuff that weakness tempts us to do. After reading that I know I will stand for my marriage probably for the next 6 months at a minimum. its already been 2 and Ive done a really good job so far.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
So since I told her I don’t want to talk anymore, to be friends anymore just keep it about the kids she hasn’t said anything much. Today she sends me a picture of her and the kids at a pumpkin patch. I didn’t respond. I wanted to but I don’t even know how. She could have left herself out of the photo... I think it’s a test to see if I’ll respect my own boundaries.
I wanted to send a heart emoji and then I was like wait a second... I bet she’s staying the night with her “friend” tonight, yeah F that emoji. I say nothing..
Last edited by Steve_; 10/18/2001:39 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
So an update, wife was home when i got home. Came up to me and proceeded to tell me how the kids are doing how the day went, asked me how I am and I said “I’m good, there was a drive by shooting at work today, was crazy” how are you? She said “stressed.” So I just couldn’t fight the urge i was like “you ain’t gonna come home tonight are you.. she said ..no” so I told her well “you living with him now? You moved our house stuff there didn’t you?” She was like ..... um... well it’s a 3 bedroom Apt and yes I got a room mate. I told her “you said you wanted freedom but you moved in with a dude?” She was like he is only a friend we haven’t done anything, I am 0% romantically interested in him, I just want to be free to go to my own place and think quietly, and if you moved out I would have nowhere to take the kids, I couldn’t get a place on my own, it just worked..” she proceeded with “I just needed my own space, I’m not trying to cross that line with him.. I don’t think he is into me like that either” (that’s BS of course I’m sure he is) she said “ I think he would know by now since we haven’t done anything.” Then she went on “relax, I am not doing anything like that I just needed a place to myself to go for myself and if you move out I had to have a place to live” so I told her “your taking the kids to live with this Roomate if I move out?” She said “yeah I’ll have to”. So I said okay, wow, this is crazy this isn’t even like you like, I never expected you to do me like that. She said well you told me that you were separating bills, I said “yeah like yesterday, you obviously planned this weeks ago.....” she said “well I’m not on the lease” “just give me time please and a little space to figure this out” so I said well.. I have a problem with that, I ain’t gonna wait around forever for you to find this out” “she rolled her eyes at that one” then I said, you need to be here with the kids, it ain’t like I’m gonna bother you.. I haven’t been” I don’t want this thing to get nasty, but I’m not paying more than the 1,000 for the kids child support you been asking me for extra and I can’t afford it” she didn’t like that but said “okay” and also you need to be home on the days you have with the kids, my days are sat night, sun, mon. So you need to be home with them tue,weds,thurs,fri. I’ll watch them if you work but that’s all. I need to go out and have a life too and it is unfair if you just leave and live somewhere else with some dude while I watch the kids 24/7. That isn’t right” she agreed to staying home on the days she has the kids. I told her look I’m not in a huge rush to move out of here and push you and the kids out by leaving, I know you have to do your thing and figure this out but I’m not trying to shove you out the door, i don’t want us to fight and start having issues but I’m this needs to be fair. I will move out in a couple months if things do not change, I don’t plan on staying here forever, if we work out I’ll have the money to move us into a nice place, if we do not then I will have the money to leave, but I don’t get the luxury of having somebody to live with, I can’t do that.” So part of me believes she wouldn’t leave this marriage to go live in an apartment with some dude and be locked down, she does want to be free, I’m sure she is talking to men but I tend to believe when she says her and this Roomate aren’t doing anything like that. Ultimately that doesn’t really matter since she is talking to other guys anyways. She loves the attention, I’ll bet she has a couple EA’s going on right now one with the room mate and others. But she swears up and down she hasn’t been physical and she’s not in a relationship. This woman had zero problems throwing that in my face before and telling me to get out and [censored] off when she was in a PA. So that’s why I think she is probably being honest and was just afraid I would react crazily if I found out her plans to be “free” I just told her, I understand you need this time. I am not worried about how this goes one way or the other. I will do what I gotta do based on what happens and make a choice when that time comes” I told her “don’t think you have gone too far you cannot come back, but don’t think that if you start dating guys or get in relationship that I will stay here waiting forever, that’s not gonna happen, I will leave.” It’s like I don’t want to encourage that she sees other dudes and I’ll just hang out at the house I’m the meantime waiting to see what she wants to do but I’m not trying to end my family by shoving her out the door, I did make mistakes I admit and she was matter of fact faithful after our last recon. So I think pushing her hardball tactics would backfire but I need to detach detach detach and act as if like 1000%. I cannot let her have the family time and all maybe I’ll go on certain things here and there but I think I’m gonna stop letting her hug me and stuff, I don’t want to shove her out the door but I have to drop the rope and just let he be otherwise she will feel like I’ll be here waiting and there is no urgency to recon to save the M. I’m not impressed by a few things I said that kinda gave her a choice thing but at the same time I did do pretty good standing up to her regarding the kids and the days off and the money. She tried to get snappy but I wasn’t having it I said “no no no” we aren’t acting that way we have never acted like that and we aren’t gonna start now.
She was bothered by me not commenting on the picture she sent. Funny how she wants my attention but doesn’t want me... I think she is a WAW this time not a WW. And I been pushing her out with things. Idk I think I’ll take a middle approach that will work for both. I don’t think she is telling me the 100% truth but I know her in that if she was serious with the dude she would be nasty to me and just tell me to leave and not care, I seen her that way before. So yeah it’s like hard to gauge it. I suppose she filed for D and is not totally sure about that now, she tells me “don’t overthink this” so yeah I will just follow sandi’s rules and see how it goes I suppose
Last edited by Steve_; 10/18/2004:25 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Are you in IC? If not you should get into it immediately. You are sealing your own fate. She’s 100% lying to you and has zero respect for you. Until that changes you have zero chance at reconciliation.
What the heck should I do if I want any chance of recon? I don’t want to lose my wife and family but obviously I’m doing this wrong. What should I do to have any chance of this not being forever?
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
What you’ve done until now is irrelevant your W is leaving and most likely divorcing you. You want a chance at reconciliation you show her you won’t tolerate someone treating you in this manner. You completely cut her out of your life accept for co-parenting. You be a rock for your kids and create an awesome life for yourself.
It’s that simple but most can’t implement it because your brain is trying to convince you to nice her back.
'well I don’t want to do this but I have to do this, I have to cut you out of my life, we can’t be friends you can’t come in my room and lay down and chat, we can’t keep bonding with you leaving.'
She cried a bit hugged me and I told her “this is it” after this talk there pretty much isn’t anything else to say. If you change your mind let me know but it won’t be sweep it under the rug like last time. From now on it’s sandi’s rules until I move out in a month or two.
When you spoke to her again, it was words, words, words.
Originally Posted by Steve_
'I’m good, there was a drive by shooting at work today, was crazy how are you?"
Originally Posted by Steve_
I ain’t gonna wait around forever for you to find this out” “she rolled her eyes at that one”
You told her what you would do, and a day later you are not following through. What do you imagine this does for he trust and respect in your words, e.g. not waiting around, not sweeping it under the rug? This is a HUGE amount to go through. We all goof. Just lock that down, and do better in future conversations.
Originally Posted by Steve_
“you ain’t gonna come home tonight are you.. you living with him now? You moved our house stuff there didn’t you? you said you wanted freedom but you moved in with a dude?”
Like most WWs, her actions and words do not match.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I did do pretty good standing up to her regarding the kids and the days off and the money
Yes, you did! Re: $$$, you can check a child support calculator to see what she's likely to get given the spread of you having the kids 3 days, her having the kid 4 days, your income, and her income. Note, courts will typically require her to get a job within her means within a reasonable period of time (e.g., 6-12 months).
Wife texted call me ASAP. She wanted to say that her parents were upset with me not watching the children to their liking ( we live with them and our kids because of the house we were gonna get and yeah just moved out of) She hasn't been home, her mom is not happy with what shes been doing. Nobody knows exactly what that is but me and so they are harping on her, family members have started to see these negative trends and have begun to give her issues. I told her on the phone "hey the kids got a bit loud after I showered them they were playing ipads and arguing, I told em to quiet down and your mom came in and yelled at them so I separated them and that was that. they were quiet the rest of the night." Really they are getting pissed at her but using me as a method of attack. I told her "well you have been gone, what did you expect! I had no idea you were gonna move in with some dude! there was actually no reason whatsoever to move in with a guy to be "alone" and lie to me the whole time about it so yeah, a lot of this mess is gonna come unglued" then she proceeded to return fire but every profane and disrespectful word you can think of like "you MFer, I don't need to tell yu Sh*# and etc etc etc. Ill take the kids away and you wont see them until after court!" she already filed the papers giving me 50/50 rights and 3 nights/3 days custody so Im not super worried about it but yeah that wasn't cool. I told her no no no you don't talk to to me that way she said "go ahead repeat yourself and I don't have time for this bye" I was not happy about the way that went.
I sent her a text about 30 min later and said "You will not talk to me that way, if you want to be disrespectful after I have done everything to make this separation easy for you, after everything you have lied about and ive been the only one understanding you and you want to threaten to take my kids? I am the only one who even knows you, the only one who even knows what the hell is really going on and anyone would be a lot more pissed than I have been! you have no reason to disrespect me like that if your gonna do to that do not even speak to me period!"
She actually apologized later. SHE NEVER EVER apologizes, it doesn't change anything but it felt good to stand up for myself for once at least. Yeah I can see it, this thing is over. I am trying to hold onto a handful of air. It is what it is.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
