Hey Steve. Thanks. I’ve been working my butt off. Reading everything I can find about relationship. Joined a Facebook forum for separated men. Learning a lot about myself and how I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. Long road ahead but at least I know the work I’m doing is being noticed. There’s nothing I want more than my family back and I’ll continue to fight for my marriage. I hope your doing ok. I’ve been following your threads as well. What your experiencing sounds really tough
It's been awhile since I posted anything. I thought I would post an update. So after almost 4 months of not talking about the R, my wife finally decided to talk yesterday. I was in utter disbelief. She discussed some of her hurts that she is going through, said she is trying to heal but doesn't know if she will be able to. She broke down at one point and she spouted a little bit of vitriol (not much but it stung) I stayed grounded. I validated her feels and told her "I appreciate you being open and vulnerable with me. I know it's been tough on you" She was also curious about my personal progress. She said "It's seems like your doing really well". I told her that "for a long time I didn't like the man I saw in the mirror. I then said that "when I look in the mirror now, I see a man that I can be proud of, not only for myself but for my kids and friends. She asked if I had been drinking. I told her I have been sober since July 7. She said "that's great". The conversation was very interesting. Totally wasn't expecting it. She was intently listening to every word I was saying. Very quiet and taking it all in. I consider this a small win. Thoughts I did notice that when she picked up our daughter after our conversation, she was smiling non stop, seemed very happy and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her staring at me while I was giving the kids a hug goodbye. I know I need to keep working on myself, continue this process. I do have a question though. Now that she has opened up the line of communication, what do I do next? Should I try approaching her in a week or two to talk again? Or not? Do I let her lead? Do I ask her on a date? Not sure how to proceed? Any suggestions would be great appreciated.
Tim, if I were in your shoes I would affirm her movement toward you but not -- I repeat NOT -- go overboard and try to get back to "normal." Say sweet things but still tell her that you know she needs space. Tell her you need some space to continue to make yourself into the man you could be proud off. Maintain some mystery. Make her continually curious.
Meaning, play this out until she is desperate to have you back. Not just curious about having you back. It might take months, and that might be hard to tolerate. But you want her back forever, so another few months might feel like torture but it's just a blink of the eye.
I said this before, I see a happy ending ahead. But don't default to the old Tim. Things will never be the same as before, make sure that new Tim is your new character.
Well I really screwed up. I'm in crisis mode here. I just received a letter from my wife telling me that she has discovered that I have been spying on her cell phone. I know, I screwed up but my insecurities got the best of me. Feel like [censored]. She told me in the letter that we are done. She said she can't believe that I have crushed her again. She said that this is the end of us as a couple. She doesn't want to be my wife anymore. I don't know what to do. Any chance of a reconciliation is gone. She won't take my calls. I texted her and said that I spyed because of my insecurities and the fear that she would meet someone else. There was never any proof of someone else but my mind got the better of me and my paranoia grew. I was trying to be open and transparent with her. I have broken her trust again and hurt her deeply. She said we could talk Tuesday. Not sure even what to say. What do I do here?
What LH said. Plus (if you meet/phone to talk) make sure you apologize for violating/intruding her personal space. Don’t get into explaining yourself. Apologize and then validate. Likely she will want to talk about something else as well since she suggested you talk?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Well I really screwed up. I'm in crisis mode here. I just received a letter from my wife telling me that she has discovered that I have been spying on her cell phone. I know, I screwed up but my insecurities got the best of me. Feel like [censored]. She told me in the letter that we are done. She said she can't believe that I have crushed her again. She said that this is the end of us as a couple. She doesn't want to be my wife anymore. I don't know what to do. Any chance of a reconciliation is gone. She won't take my calls. I texted her and said that I spyed because of my insecurities and the fear that she would meet someone else. There was never any proof of someone else but my mind got the better of me and my paranoia grew. I was trying to be open and transparent with her. I have broken her trust again and hurt her deeply. She said we could talk Tuesday. Not sure even what to say. What do I do here?
Tim, first take a deep breath. Calm down. Stop spinning and freaking out. LBSs have a way of making these kinds of things feel like the end of the world. They are not.
Now, the fact is that you did screw up. One of your first questions for the board was "How do I rebuild trust?" I think it is safe to say that spying on her cellphone is not the way to do it. First it says "I completely do not trust you!" and it also says "You cannot trust me." So all around it is not a trust building activity.
But then you follow that mistake up with more mistakes. You've been calling her "She won't take my calls." You've been texting her "I spyed (sp) because of my insecurities and that fear that she would meet someone else." Tim, have you ever been furious with someone before? Did you want to talk to that person when you were angry? Or would you prefer if they just left you alone. The right response here is to leave her alone. She is mad, you cannot fix it, and she needs time to calm down. You aren't letting her do that.
Tim, I sense some immaturity in you. I sense some impulsiveness. And I sense a desire to push a button and fix everything over night. So before getting back to the DBing basics that you should be engaging in I am going to tell you that you need to grow up. You need to get control of yourself. And you need to realize that it took you years to get into this situation, it will not be resolved overnight. I know you are in IC, I would mention that you do not seem to have the skills to appropriately handle your current situation like an adult. Work through that with the IC. Also mention that you would like to get a handle on your impulsiveness. You will not be successful in properly DBing giving in to every whim that crosses your mind. And finally, come to the realization that your situation with your W may be permanent. There may be no fix except to get a D and go your separate ways. Or that given enough time (and this means months and years!) she might eventually decide that that she wants to get back together. But you need to realize that this will not happen quickly...if ever!
So Tim here is my advice for you. It appears that you've spent this separation period stewing on your situation and checking your phone to see what her phone activity has been. BOTH WRONG APPROACHES. Tim, the LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do GAL the worst. Make GAL a daily goal. Stay busy. Stay active. Every minute that you aren't with and caring for your kids, you are busy busy busy! I don't care if it is woodworking in the garage, or hanging out with buddies doing something fun. But stay busy. Join a gym. Go to church. Think outside of the box but get busy!
Second, double down on becoming the best Tim that you can be. First make it your #1 priority to be the best dad that you can be! Make that an ambition. Then read books, watch videos. Go into self-learning mode. Stay in IC. If you can afford double your appointments (go twice a week if you are going weekly now). Make sure you read all of the welcome post that Cadet and Job respond to every newbie's thread with. Again. And again. And again. Make sure you get DR by MWD and read it. If you have already read it, read it again. Maybe pick up No More Mr. Nice Guy and read it. (Because you have to realize that you CANNOT nice her back!) Be a sponge for information that will help you to improve who you are!
Finally, work on detachment. Come to the realization that your MR is over. That there is nothing you can do to fix it. For instance, even if your spying had found she had an OM.....what would you have done? You say you were afraid she'd meet someone. What were you going to do if she had? Think things all the way through before acting. Ask yourself "is this action I am planning on taking the action of a detached person.....or is it the action of a desperate, needy little boy?" Remember I said I see immaturity in your actions. It is time to grow up, put on your big boy pants, and learn how to be your own man that doesn't need anyone else! To survive. To live a great life. Or to be happy! All of those things for Tim are on Tim and no one else. So learn to be a whole individual.
And that brings us to: "She said we could talk Tuesday. Not sure even what to say. What do I do here?" You do not talk to her Tuesday. You go deep no contact. If you have read DR it is called LRT. If you haven't read DR then look up on this forum and other places what the Last Resort Technique is. You are at that point. At this point you should only be contacting her if one of the kids has set themselves on fire. IE ONLY IN AN EMERGENCY CONCERNING ONE OF THE KIDS. No more phone calls. No more texts. And certainly not talking to her Tuesday about this. "I am busy Tuesday." and then leave it at that! (Notice, I didn't say sorry or apologize for being busy on Tuesday, I just stated that I that I was busy.) Give her time and space to work through her anger at your spying. In the meantime you take all of your focus off of her. And put it on you. GAL. 180s (self-improvement) and detachment. Also, grow up and stop being impulsive.
You probably won't do any of that. And you will continue to struggle and push her further away. The above will get Tim to a place of peace. It MIGHT save your MR, but that might already be too far gone. What it will do is save you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve85. I needed that tough love speech. Your right, it was immature and needy to be snooping. And being impulsive has hurt me in many ways as well. Both in the past and currently. I get what your saying and I have been doing massive work on myself. However, I never dealt with the insecurities and fear that I have carried. On Tuesday, I pick up the kids for the evening so I will have to see her. I won't speak to her unless she wants to and I will empathize and validate with her but not defend or explain my actions. Again, I thank you for being honest and truthful with me. I needed that
