I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation. I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.
I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.
My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.
We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.
Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.
Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us. I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.
After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single. She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s. She also has been very distant with her family and friends.
We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions. We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.
I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency. Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”
Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation. She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment. I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.
I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital. It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.
We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.
Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.
Need guidance/help is it a break up or MLC or WAW?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation. I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.
I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.
My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.
We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.
Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.
Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us. I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.
After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single. She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s. She also has been very distant with her family and friends.
We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions. We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.
I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency. Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”
Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation. She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment. I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.
I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital. It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.
We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.
Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.
Need guidance/help is it a break up or MLC or WAW?
I really don’t know where I stand. crazy
NZ, sorry man. These things are difficult. I'm glad you found the forum. You've admitted to a few mistakes (begging, pursuing, etc). You are still making a few. Trying to attach meaning to anything she says or does. Staying in contact about anything other than your S. Etc.
First, remember to believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. WASs are interesting creatures. They'll say what is expedient at the moment. They'll do things to relieve their own guilt. When the LBS starts to try to attach significance to the words and actions that when they get confused. "Sheb said X, so maybe she wantsn to get back together! But she is buying things for her apartment, that means she doesn't! She helped me through surgery, she still cares! She is pushing for a formal separation, there is no chance at R!" We LBS are like a feather, blowing in the wind, and the WAS' words and deeds are the wind.
So stop trying to decipher what she says and does. Likely she isn't even sure if herself, how could you be sure of what she wants. My W told me late in our sitch that she wasn't sure what she wanted from minute to minute! She could say something based on how she felt one moment, then have a complete change of heart a minute later. You cannot understand crazy.
So take the focus off of her. Go out a GAL. Be and stay busy. Keep up the IC and work on self improvements. Become the best you that you can be, a man only a fool would leave. And work on detaching. Getting to a place where her words and deeds have no effect on you emotionally. Limit contact with her to logistics about your S. Nothing else.
Let her go to get her back. You have no control over her final decision. So prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Hang in there, you will get through all of this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My sitch is confusing at the best of times and find myself at different stages of grief/acceptance.
While I am forever hopeful I am also realistic on what the future holds. I am starting to GAL and find a new side of me, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Reading posts from other forums about WAS and also sex staved marriages make me feel/see a different side to my sitch.
I have been looking at my housing options and looking at prioritising my S and his needs.
Sorry you find yourself in this all to familiar sitch. Glad you found these forums.
Read as much as you can. The things that work are counter-intuitive. The more crazy the idea sounds to you, the more you really should challenge your belief system.
Ultimately, your W has lost her attraction for you. Do your homework and understand what traits a woman is really attracted to (most guys do not have a clue). Also do your research on what turns a woman off. Start adding attractive traits to your behavior and your interactions with women, and drop the negative traits. Do not do this as an attempt to manipulate your W to come back, but rather as personal growth experience for yourself.
You will read all kinds of advise. Lots of it will be conflicting. The best thing you can do is read as much as you can so you are armed with as many choices as possible. Then you evaluate all the options and pick the ones that you believe will help in your sitch.
I wish you well and get ready for the marathon. Going through the process is not fun, but if you take this opportunity to make personal growth changes, you will be thankful for the process.
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Update: W and I meet today to swap living arrangements for our week on week off with S in family home. I kept conversation to her about house and S and talked about our finances as we are going to the bank to sort it out on Tuesday.
We were cordial and friendly. As W was leaving S wanted W to to give me a hug. We hugged and I held on maybe a little too long. So hard to let go.
Went into the house and spent time with our S and then my emotions got the better of me. Today has been a very hard day, very much a day of one step forward 2/3 steps back.
To make things worse I did a little snooping around her wardrobe/drawers and found some lingerie I had never seen before today. This confirms for me that if she doesn’t have OM then she is most definitely looking for one.
Not sure how to proceed from here? I know I have to GAL and start looking after myself more but I am almost ready to throw in the towel on our M?
I can relate to the underwear. But thats really nothing compared to what some here have experienced. Myself included. Keep reading other stitches and DB techniques.
Detach and stop snooping. Sometimes you will take steps backwards, it happens to all of us. I know it's hard but you need to keep working on it to improve.
I am assuming you don't really mean you are giving up when you say throw in the towel. Keep improving yourself and only focus on that for some time (months at least). You really don't have to make your choice anytime soon, weather she chooses you or not isn't up to you. But only focusing on your personal growthand happiness , knowing your boundaries and preparing for the worst is the best you can do. No matter the outcome.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Hey there. Just read your post. Sorry to hear what your going through. I am currently going through a separation as well. Trying to get a handle on everything. This community has really helped, reading all the stories and learning DB. Hang in there
I wish i read your post earlier. I have to say SORRY to everyone.
A LOT has happened.
I have had the worst week, I got to a really bad/dark place in my mind, very negative/jealous/immature and finally broke.
I know after reading posts and listening to advice i was going pretty well.
while i was in this dark place i rang my W.......we were about to go to the bank to finalize the finances.
I started off by saying to my W i need to talk and to let her know how i'm feeling and that she didn't need to say anything but i need to tell her. (i know weak)
I cried and said that i am not coping with the sitch and that everything is getting on top of me. - our sitch - Finalizing finances - Living sitch
She did ask if i was seeing IC, which i am not but have an appointment on Tuesday next week.
I told her i still love her and that i am not giving up on us and our MR, I asked questions i shouldn't have "how are you" "are you having an EA/PA" she said she wasn't but i know not to necessarily believe her. She said that she was happy with her decision to walk away.
we spoke about our living sitch, currently we co parent our S in our family home and alternate co-parenting week on week off. she goes to her parents and i have to find somewhere to live every other week as i don't have any family in my city. After discussing this she agreed to me staying in the family home and that she will have to co-parent our S at her parents house. She said "how am i going to take him to daycare/preschool?" i sarcastically said by car (not appropriate i know) but i think she finally realized that this separation wasn't going to be as easy as she first thought.
She was not happy when we finished the call asking "is there was anything else" twice.
I was relieved after the call, it answered a few questions but i am sure it has put our reconciliation back or may have even killed it. But we have put off seperating our finances and selling the family home. Before now i have been giving my W almost everything she wanted in this seperation, now i am thinking more about myself, my mental health and our S.
I have started GAL going to the gym, spending some QT with my S and getting back into reading.
I spoke with some very close mutual friends/couple last night and we spoke candidly, they know the sitch and were surprised with what is happening and believe she would not be having a PA. they did however bring up her mental health (bi polar/MLC) i did not bring this up.
i was told that my W and our friends (2 Ws) met for coffee two weeks ago (unbeknownst to me) and she said that my W was very different/strange.
She also said that one of our friends whom my W is close but not as close as the other W received a text from my W thanking her for her friendship and that she is a wonderful friend, however my W friend (friends for over 15 years) did not get a text or even a thank you for coffee.
Does this sound like anyone else's WAW/WAS/MLC?
I am now thinking a lot better of myself and am happy i am going to be getting more help from IC.
Keep posting, your support and guidance is much appreciated.
On one of my first posts as a LBS , one of the vets said something along the lines of "if we think we can define it, we can fix it"
We come here looking for that magic bullet - that quick fix..
There isn't one..
LH19 frequently uses the phrase "This is a marathon, not a sprint"..
These things often take years and years to play out..
WW / WAW / MLC - it does not matter - as you cannot change her actions or control her - no matter what you say or do. You can only control you, and your actions.. Hence the GAL / work on you / rock for the kids advice - as these are factors you have full control over..
For what its worth, even if there isnt a physical affair, i suspect some other person has trigged this.. Maybe an EA online.. Either way, there is often monkey branching involved.. So often the LBS comes on here, thinking there is no EA / PA - to be proved wrong months later.
Last edited by MrBrside; 10/08/2008:38 AM.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
