Its good to see how that would come across. Its important. Texts are rough enough - lacking tone and body language so its so easy to mistake the intent of a text.
When you're dealing with a full-blown WAS, nearly anything you say is going to be interpreted negatively, even the most well-intentioned apology. That's why we council silence and giving time and space. Literally ANYTHING you say to him is going to get twisted into justification for leaving you and never looking back. Way back before I was married I had several girlfriends (not all at once!) I broke up with one that was a blubbering mess, would not leave me alone. Begged me to get back together. I could not run away from her fast enough, her desperation was an extreme turn-off. I broke up with another who's attitude was "your loss". She didn't lift a finger to contact me or get my attention. It made me wonder what she was up to, and what I was missing. So I totally get why DB'ing suggests going dark and keeping contact to a minimum, it's to make him miss you. We've said it before but he will never learn to miss you as long as you keep hanging on. And I know you -think- you're letting go, but you're really not. You do some GAL activities but you still spend way too much time fretting over H. Even this "apology" you think you need to make, I think if you are completely honest with yourself it's just another attempt to reach out to him and get some kind of reaction. Of course your apology doesn't matter one bit to him, he will just think "yup, I knew it, this was all her fault and even she admits it now." He will NOT think "oh she's changed, maybe we should get back together!" That is not on his radar.
OW is on his radar.
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As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.
Try not to spend so much time dwelling on your past faults. Acknowledge it, learn from it, move forward and do better.
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As for me telling him how he is feeling ---- well he has told me that. He left because he felt disrespected. Am I telling him how he feels if those were his words on how he felt? That part I'm a little confused on.
Just in general don't ever tell someone how they feel. Period. Your kids, your boyfriend, your best friend, your mom, anyone. If 6 months ago he told you how he felt about something, then that was how he felt at that moment in time and that was the time to discuss it. You listen, you validate. That's it. He says he's angry, you respond "why are you angry?" He tells you because you disrespected him, you reply "I can understand why that would make you angry, I'm sorry I made you feel that way." Do you see the difference? That is NOT telling him how he feels, it is listening to him and ACKNOWLEDGING how he feels. You don't wait 6 months and THEN repeat back to him how you think he felt back then, and couch some kind of weak apology around it. Right?
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I have been nothing but respectful in my actions and while I have not apologized for some of the things I've done - ie locked up accts, changed the locks, etc. I have apologized that those things caused him to be upset. I worked hard to show that I listen to him. I'm more mindful when I speak to him that I am looking directly at him (hearing issues in the last 2 yrs). I have got myself talking over him and immediately stopped and apologized. I've let him take the lead every time he was at the house to move out more of his things (funny thing was he just sat there NOT taking the lead so I would eventually just make a suggestion such as "want to head up to the attic?", "want to sort the toolbox?")
That all sounds good, so if that's the case, why in the world would you think you need to text an apology about some conversation that took place months ago? You say you've apologized, then good, your work is done. No more apologies needed. One heartfelt apology means much more than a dozen weak ones.
So - I do end up writing out a lot of things here. Its really how I process things. I'm sure I come across as weak and that its 8mo now so why am I not further along. For starts I am better than I appear to be here... here is where I let those crappy thoughts in head a place to get out... stare at them and make sense of it. But, also not everyone's path is the same and healing (as true with recon) is never linear. Its more 2 steps forward and 3 steps back at times.
I appreciate everyone's input but I'm only putting a piece of me out here. The piece that needs to work through some very painful crap. I don't come here to pat myself on the back every time I do something by the book.
After sleeping and more time to process I completely see how my "original" text in saying that he felt X so I did Y which made him feel more X is wrong. I pulled the texts from notes. Its great that I wrote it out, especially here so I can see what impression it would leave.
What I should have wrote "because I felt unappreciated I behaved very disrespectfully to you". That would completely leave out stating any assumptions and telling him how he feels. However, this then becomes completely about me? Totally losing what I am trying to apologize for.
Do I really need to apologize? In the big picture? I can tell you there are 3 things that have been weighing me down for many months and would like to bring up with him.... ^^^^ that being one of them.
Well I'm grateful I did manage to convince myself to hold off 30 days and re-evaluate the text. I acknowledge that he is not at where I am at this point in time. He could still be completely numb and not caring about anything... and the apology would just be a reminder of what he left and not seeing that I am remorseful. I get that.
Other parts of my brain are firing -- how much time??? how much space??? I've left him alone, backed off... how much time could he need??? Why hasn't he contacted or sat down with me and had an R talk??? Why can't he R talk with me??? Sorry that what my neurons are screaming at me.
I get what everyone says about the dating. I'm sooo not looking to fall in love period. I'm just looking to have some good conversation, some great wine and enjoy live music. I have no trouble socializing with myself... but you sit in a public place conversing with yourself and you tend to draw the wrong attention.. LOL. Just know I'm 100%mindful and not going in wearing sunglasses.
CONFESSION. Its been 3 weeks and I still have not dropped off the finished financials to the atty - I actually have about 45min of work to finish it up and I just haven't been able to do it. I get home I'm tired. I want to go out. I'll do it tomorrow. I can't believe H hasn't harassed me about if I've heard from atty yet. I'm dreading when he does. I will be honest and not lie... I mean I could just throw my atty under the bus about it... UGH. I know I need to sit down and get it done... I've dragged my feet for 6 months now.
Your H doesn’t want to have R talks because it repulses him.
Would you like to have a R talk with your son’s father? What if your sons father came to you with an apology about how he treated you when you were together? Would you want to reconcile with him or would you laugh in his face?
Is it because you are truly remorseful and he would want an apology?
Or is it because you want him to see your remorse and want you back?
Evaluate your intentions.
Does he need the apology? Or do you need the apology?
This is one of the reasons I've sat with this particular incident for MONTHS. Is he asking for an apology - no. Does he want an apology? Well who knows? None of us are mind readers.
I am so truly remorseful.
To the point that every interaction I've had with him since April I am mindful to listen first. Validate that I heard what he was saying. Only giving my opinion when asked. If I found myself talking over him or vice versa I immediately stopped and apologized [we were both guilty of telling the other to stop talking because we were just trying to be heard]. Interestingly enough the first time I did apologize for over talking him, he stopped and simply said no, go ahead. It was such a refreshing change. I certainly noticed... but did he???
Anyway, without rolling over and giving in to all his demands regarding finances, atty, moving items out of the home (I stood my ground for those things). I really put forth the effort to be markedly different. Sure, it would be great if he noticed... even better if he said something. I understand completely if he never says a thing.
So yes, I'm remorseful.
But apologies are just as much for yourself as the other person. I've been holding back because I do not want to inflict my agenda on him.
Your H doesn’t want to have R talks because it repulses him.
Would you like to have a R talk with your son’s father? What if your sons father came to you with an apology about how he treated you when you were together? Would you want to reconcile with him or would you laugh in his face?
True enough.
Interesting analogy. Its been 19yr and he hasn't apologized yet... that's his burden to carry. But, lets say for the sake of argument he did sincerely apologize... wasn't married (which he is)... would I reconcile? Its been 19yr and I don't know who this person is anymore. He has radically changed from who he was --- I not much attracted to the person he is these days. But, I certainly would not laugh in his face.
You can apologize for yourself. I just think you have major expectations from your apology . You want him to see it and acknowledge it, and won’t be happy if he doesn’t. You think if you verbalize this apology he will dump other woman.
That’s where it becomes a problem. If you need to do it to move on, I encourage it. But you need to have zero expectations . Because you always have expectations. Your text you didn’t send was full of expectations from him
You do some GAL activities but you still spend way too much time fretting over H. Even this "apology" you think you need to make, I think if you are completely honest with yourself it's just another attempt to reach out to him and get some kind of reaction. Of course your apology doesn't matter one bit to him, he will just think "yup, I knew it, this was all her fault and even she admits it now." He will NOT think "oh she's changed, maybe we should get back together!" That is not on his radar.
^^^^ this.
When thinking about this in the context of the "being fired as his W" analogy, this is akin to an employee you fired for something calling and apologizing for it - the takeaway is (internally) yeah, I know that you shouldn't have done (whatever), hence why I fired for you for it.
If your brain is still firing in the "hasn't he had enough time" phase, then it doesn't sound like the apology is for you, it sounds like it is to hurry him along.
You can go ahead and forgive yourself - you don't need his permission or forgiveness to do that. You may well never get either of those things. Do your own emotional heavy lifting by absolving yourself, and don't rely on / burden him with that task; because that "I am sorry" does come with at minimum the expectation of hearing forgiveness in reply.
You do some GAL activities but you still spend way too much time fretting over H. Even this "apology" you think you need to make, I think if you are completely honest with yourself it's just another attempt to reach out to him and get some kind of reaction. Of course your apology doesn't matter one bit to him, he will just think "yup, I knew it, this was all her fault and even she admits it now." He will NOT think "oh she's changed, maybe we should get back together!" That is not on his radar.
^^^^ this.
When thinking about this in the context of the "being fired as his W" analogy, this is akin to an employee you fired for something calling and apologizing for it - the takeaway is (internally) yeah, I know that you shouldn't have done (whatever), hence why I fired for you for it.
If your brain is still firing in the "hasn't he had enough time" phase, then it doesn't sound like the apology is for you, it sounds like it is to hurry him along.
You can go ahead and forgive yourself - you don't need his permission or forgiveness to do that. You may well never get either of those things. Do your own emotional heavy lifting by absolving yourself, and don't rely on / burden him with that task; because that "I am sorry" does come with at minimum the expectation of hearing forgiveness in reply.
Yes, I agree. That's why I have been sitting with it... I'm not looking into making any more mistakes.
I was supposed to finish up financial paperwork and drop off at atty 3 weeks ago... for numerous reasons I just let it sit there. I'm not proud of it. I mean yes, I did have some legit things pop up. One of which was medical. Even still I should have taken it last week.
UGH - H texted me today if I've heard from the atty?
I'm a terrible liar. My whole life I've been honest to a serious fault. Right now I'm avoiding his text.
I'm not sure how to respond and not make it bad???
Me: I'm dropping off everything tomorrow. I realize this should have already been done.
Yes - I had medical procedure but I don't want to list excuses. I'm willing to take accountability. I want to come up with a response that is respectful and admitting I'm at fault without stating such ---
Sorry that what my neurons are screaming at me.