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Originally Posted by Steve85
You should not be his vet. You've been told this before. You use this as a way to stay connected.

A simple text back:

"Please make him a vet appointment as soon as possible."

It is your kryptonite because you allow it to be.


You're right.

But, as I said I still in my heart consider this "our" dog. Its my dog too and I have concerns about his tail health and hopes he keeps it.

I think with more time I'll be able to think less and less that this is our dog.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
You should not be his vet. You've been told this before. You use this as a way to stay connected.

A simple text back:

"Please make him a vet appointment as soon as possible."

It is your kryptonite because you allow it to be.


You're right.

But, as I said I still in my heart consider this "our" dog. Its my dog too and I have concerns about his tail health and hopes he keeps it.

I think with more time I'll be able to think less and less that this is our dog.


You have a vested interest in the pup. I truly do understand that and get it. I know it is a tough thing for you, you want what is best for him. But surely there are qualified vets in his area that you can trust.


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Steve85

It is a tough thing. I raised this dog for 7months and adored him. I know I made the right decision in letting H take him. He has a good life - he is the only pet so the focus is on him and he gets to go several days a week to the family farm of 90+acres to run and play in the creek. What a great life for a dog! H is bonded to him.

Still I've never taken anything in that I don't love until the day its time to let that pet go from this world. I will eventually get to a point where he's not my dog.

Got an update on the dog a day ago. I then started texting back on wound management, care, etc. Totally into Dr mode. Nothing beyond what I would have explained to a client in my office.... then I deleted all that. Just responded that it sounded like he had it under control and thanked him for the update.

He went on to mention that he was not taking the dog to family farm while this was going on and I replied that was a really good idea as he didn't want the bandage to get wet.

He texted that he would bring the dog out in a couple of weeks for a check up and see how the tail was mending. I did not respond to that text.

Much later he texted again stating that he would call and make appointment.

Again I didn't I didn't respond.

It doesn't bother me that he would bring the dog out because I haven't seen the dog in 2 months and I'd really like to see him. He just turned a year old. He is a gorgeous highly pedigreed gun dog. I see dogs all the time and he is a very athletic specimen for sure.

The hilarious part is this --- H did not come to S19's graduation party "because he was working" but truth came out later that he feels that my family hates him. My family would have treated him graciously as S19's step father but whatever. HOWEVER, I can guarantee you that all the staff at my workplace will definitely be giving him the stink eye... LOL!!!! He has more to be worried there than with my family. HaHa!

I'm not sweating it. I'm certain he won't make the appointment. Let's make a list of all the things he said he would do or what he offered compared to what he actually did.

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So work on Friday was a freaking long arduous day where I had my schedule marked that I needed to leave by 5:30 and was literally running out the door at 5:50pm.

But, I did make it to my planned event - woman's social at a local winery. Music was good as the wine slushies! Made it home fairly early and just crawled into bed.

Saturday I went to another event at a different winery. This one had 2 live bands... lots of wine slushies... multiple food trucks... crafts/handmade items booths. It was nice. Weather was perfect and it started to cool at 6pm with a wonderful breeze.

I actually planned and booked 2 vacations today -

1st - spending the week up till Xmas in Seattle! I will be traveling with S19. I've wanted to get to Seattle before S19 was ever conceived! smile SS20 is stationed in Tacoma. I've let him know the dates we will be there and hopefully we can at least meet up once or twice while we are there.

2nd - booked a week in March to go to northern MI. Another 2 bedroom condo right by the ski slopes. I've invited my female bff to come along. Due to Covid she works from home... so she can work anywhere. I don't ski and I'm not much interested BUT, I would love to go snow tubing AND do some snowshoe trails which I have NEVER done before. Female bff has health issues so she won't be able to do those activities. I don't mind doing them alone. In our down times we can hang and knit. This is supposed to be a very nice resort... we shall see. smile

Tomorrow I'm getting serious again about my diet. I've been hitting sugars really hard lately and I'm 100% certain that is why my stomach has not been to kind to me the last several days. I've gotten lazy on my exercise schedule as well so that's gonna change. Got another friend lighting a fire under my bum to drop another 20lb... I really want to tone up my arms as well.

Sunday - day of rest... but will get some cleaning done and I still need to tackle my SD19 old room. Got to get things sorted as female bff will be coming for a visit the last weekend in October.

That's all I got this weekend.

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KC - this is a great update! I am glad that you got out and did stuff for you, and that you have vacations to look forward to.

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This weekend - especially Sunday WAS hard. I actually typed out a text but held on to it -- that was hard. I waffled back and forth. I realize my journey is not his journey. I'm self reflecting into what I contributed and where my actions hurt him but I realize he is on a different path and not currently thinking about the past. He is numb to that and just focused on his current future.

My text:
You felt I was being disrespectful and in turn behaved unloving to me which cause me further frustration that came out as more disrespect. A terrible cycle.

You asked me drop it that day. I felt so unappreciated that I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood.

I have this long list of things I do respect about you but my actions were not showing you unconditional respect especially that day. I should have let it go and walked away like you asked... I get it now.

I don't even remember if I ever apologized, but I was wrong that day. At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that. Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.


Backstory: I am certain I did NOT apologize. I felt he was wrong and to a degree he was. About 6 weeks later he confided to his good friend how the incident scared him (he totally flooded). I think his friend was encouraging him to look into his PTSD (H is a veteran). I have only met this friend once a year ago as he lives far away. We were out to dinner the 3 of us during this time but we were drinking wine and I was buzzed. His friend tried to say something to me about... I had COMPLETELY forgot the incident and was confused. It was weird timing and its not like I know this friend of his... and it was like anytime my H left to go get a drink or the bathroom he would chat me up about it so it was like a 2min convo a copule of times. I brushed it off - I only found out at BD how upset he was feeling I brushed it off. It was just a weird topic out of the blue during diner with drinking and then going to a concert. Looking back I did see how cold my H was acting when I dropped them both off at the campsite that night.

Thanks for letting me post that here.

I did a great job of sitting on it and NOT sending him that text. A good friend suggested that I should give it 30 days. If I still felt it was important after that length of time I can revisit whether I should or not. Perhaps in 30 days I will have worked past it and be comfortable just holding on to it. I feel good about that.

Anyway - I'm trying to have a strong productive week. Working hard -- its fall so I've got lots of outside chores to do this time of year.

I have a date/meet up tomorrow. Just wine and live music. I've been completely honest about where I'm at and what my level of interest is... So we will see if this is just a disaster or something relaxing and fun!

Last edited by KitCat; 10/13/20 03:32 PM.
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Hi KitCat,

Originally Posted by KitCat
I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood. you were just reacting

I love your idea of sitting on it 30 days and waiting to see how you feel.

I disagree with how you've internalized this story. I believe it's a thought error, and I sometimes have those in my own situation, so I'll point it out. "I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood.. you were just reacting" He controls his actions, not you. At one point, my ex-GF would yell at me and I would yell back. That ended a little after BD. "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -- Viktor Frankl.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't even remember if I ever apologized, but I was wrong that day. At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that. Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.

I hope your self-work continues until you can say, "Wow, I'm sorry you asked me to stop, and I continued arguing. That was wrong and I apologize." Then, to yourself, because incriminations don't go into an apology, "I was so frustrated you treated me like that. It's taken a lot of self work to see I didn't deserve that treatment, and you own your other faults, too. Like being a lying cheater."

Originally Posted by KitCat
I have a date/meet up tomorrow. Just wine and live music. I've been completely honest about where I'm at and what my level of interest is... So we will see if this is just a disaster or something relaxing and fun!

I hope it goes well. There are risks and rewards to dating early. The main worry I have for you is not to fall hard for someone you barely know because the sex and attention are nice after a dry spell. I see that so often. I worry about these same things for myself, after I get over my ex and am ready to date again.

Good luck! I hope you have fun.

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Oh boy oh boy. Ready yourself, it's 2x4 time!

Quote
You felt I was being disrespectful and in turn behaved unloving to me which cause me further frustration that came out as more disrespect. A terrible cycle.


I mean after all your time here you STILL don't understand that you NEVER tell someone else how they feel/ felt???? That shows a COMPLETE lack of empathy! I can see him rolling his eyes at this and thinking "wow she still doesn't get it."

Quote
You asked me drop it that day. I felt so unappreciated that I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood.


You're just going to make this all about you and what you felt? Do you think he cares? Not one bit! And you're essentially blaming him for his "flooding", saying he made you feel unappreciated and that in turn caused you to be disrespectful, and THAT is why he is "flooding".

Quote
I get it now.


I doubt he would think that is genuine. ACTIONS not WORDS.

Quote
I don't even remember if I ever apologized, but I was wrong that day. At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that.


Is that your apology? First, where is "I'm sorry" in there? Second, once again you blame him. He made you frustrated so that in turn forced you to act like you did. "I was so frustrated you would treat me like that." That just absolutely makes me cringe thinking how it would sound to him. It sounds like you're accusing him of being abusive.

Quote
Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.


Telling him how he feels again. You don't know his feelings unless he tells you his feelings. Quit trying to dissect it and pretend you've got it all figured out now. You most certainly do not. And you never will. None of us will. Letting go of the need to know is an important step in dropping the rope.

KC, you have a big heart, I don't doubt that. But you still have so much to learn! I'm really glad you didn't send that, at least you've learned that much. If you want to apologize then apologize. Don't shove a bunch of explanations and justifications and blame in there. "H, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I've reflected a lot on our interactions and I treated you poorly and disrespected you, and I just want you to know I am very sorry for it." And say it in person. A texted apology is about as bland as eating old cardboard. Maybe say it as he's about to leave, and then wish him well and close the door. And then back it up with actions. When you're talking to him about the D or whatever, then listen to him and hear him. Show him the respect that you didn't before, and do it forever.

Regarding the possible PTSD, not your concern. Maybe he has it, maybe he doesn't. It no longer matters, because you're not in a position to diagnose or help him.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Ok - the text was sort of gleaned from my notes.

Its good to see how that would come across. Its important. Texts are rough enough - lacking tone and body language so its so easy to mistake the intent of a text.

As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.

As for me telling him how he is feeling ---- well he has told me that. He left because he felt disrespected. Am I telling him how he feels if those were his words on how he felt? That part I'm a little confused on.

I do appreciate both AS and CW rearranging my text where is says almost the same thing but from a slightly different angle. I am speaking specifically of this ONE episode not in general.

I have been nothing but respectful in my actions and while I have not apologized for some of the things I've done - ie locked up accts, changed the locks, etc. I have apologized that those things caused him to be upset. I worked hard to show that I listen to him. I'm more mindful when I speak to him that I am looking directly at him (hearing issues in the last 2 yrs). I have got myself talking over him and immediately stopped and apologized. I've let him take the lead every time he was at the house to move out more of his things (funny thing was he just sat there NOT taking the lead so I would eventually just make a suggestion such as "want to head up to the attic?", "want to sort the toolbox?")

These days there is absolutely no reason to interact at all - so as far as continuing to show respect through action its limited but I sure noticed a change in how I approached him and reacted to him for the last 6 months. I cannot speak if he noticed. The only time he said anything about my behavior was 2 weeks after BD where he stated "In the last 2 weeks you have shown me more respect than you have in a long time"... Obviously that was several months ago.

As much as I want communication with him and to let him know that "I get it". I also realize he doesn't care. At least at this point in time. So I sat on it... it was hard. But, at the end of the day I was able to say - give it 30 days. If I still feel it needs said I can do... 30 days isn't that long. That seems to have brought me some peace.

As for the "date". I'm so honest and upfront. I do not want to mislead anyone - that would make me feel awful. But, I'm thankful to find a like minded person who just wants to get out for an evening.

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KC, going to be blunt. You do not get DBing and I'm worried you never will. You still hang on to words he said as he was leaving and/or emotional. People are rarely honest under those conditions. They use excuses and they say things for specific purposes. So assuming he felt that way because he says it..... Is not DBing and is flat out wrong.

I'll say it one last time. YOU are the one suffering PTSD. You will not be able to move on healthy and happy without IC. And you certainly are in no position to even be casually dating given the desire to not only type that text up, but to even consider sending it!?!

At this point you should be ready to move on from this guy after all he has done and put you through. The fact that you are not is on you..... Not him.

Last edited by Steve85; 10/13/20 07:59 PM.

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