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Adam04,

Originally Posted by Adam04
Happy belated bday. I don't have much to offer for advice, I think you're killing it on all fronts. Stay detached, keep busy and keep doing what you're doing with the kids.

Thanks for the encouragement and support! I am crushing it with the kids, no doubt, and doing alright overall - glad it's showing through in the posts.

Originally Posted by Adam04
Regarding om and the kids, sounds like that's going to be an emotional trigger for you. You've handled it well and you luckily got great people giving you great advice as there is very little you can do regarding the other camp. One thing I want to say and I think it goes along with what Sandi mentioned about giving the WW the one up and how it affects the kids' trust, is that you want to always be coming from a place of strength. The less you show ww and om the better imo.

Very true. I don't think it's appropriate OM2 sleeps over with them there. This isn't the life / model I wanted for the kids, though as everyone rightfully points out that's beyond my control. Thanks for the advice - I'll continue to act strong.

Originally Posted by Adam04
Kudos for not accepting anything from the WW. You're right, she could be trying to extend the olive branch because she is getting what she wants and is feeling a little guilty but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean anything.

Thanks! It made me feel good/strong inside to turn it down.

Originally Posted by Adam04
Keep your guard up and your wits about you as you move into the agreements on the D. So far it sounds like it's amicable, but its too early to tell. She sounds like she is getting what she wants but those little flare ups with the MIL and her calling your phone the way she did...(I'm a little suspect). I'd keep running everything through your attorney and keep your cards close to your chest. We don't know if om2 can become om3, etc...you don't know how bad it can get.

Will do. There have been some contentious points (W talks to kids without me...etc.) but I suppose it's been relatively amicable until now. Neither of us fought the 50/50 custody (though as I've mentioned in practice I care for the kids much more, between back/after school and Fridays), and in terms of child support though the law is ridiculous in our state in that I care for the kids more than her yet give her a sizable amount of money every month but it is what it is. The division of assets is the last step and the opening part of the home valuation was far, so hopefully that's a good sign, but she's yet to respond to the "let's each keep our own house, car, accounts...etc." email so we'll see. Even if that doesn't fly I'm still very well off, and have been mentally preparing on the financial outcome since the Summer.

Originally Posted by Adam04
With young children involved with this transition, if you haven't already, have you thought about seeking professional guidance from a counselor. The reason I say this is because you mentioned the children asking where is om2 in your presence and correct me if I am wrong, you stayed silent, right? That could have been the best thing to do at that point but maybe it was brought up for a reason and in their own way they are trying to communicate with you. Its tough, I don't have answers to that but if I was in that situation I'd definitely seek some guidance on when its okay to talk to children and at what age. If they have questions, what is okay and not okay to say that is age appropriate. I'm sure they will want reassurance from you.

I'm very concerned about the kids mental state, especially S5 because he's older and more aware of what used to be like. He's been sad and crying many times over the last six months. I think it's good he's opening up to my mother, as I've said she seems to be his "safe person". I've personally been in IC, but assume you're talking about the kids. I've been in contact with the school's counselor, social worker, and play therapist but with the virtual/hybrid schooling it's been tough to . My mom and I handle all the remote school work and have a great relationship with the teacher. I've thought about getting him a private child play therapist as well, but haven't yet. I'm torn on how he'll do because some sources online (even here) say it has a massive impact on kids and others say "they're resilient and will get over it and do great". My son's personality has changed a bit, and shows sadness and anger at times when he didn't use to, but 85-90% of the time he's doing great.[/quote]

Originally Posted by Adam04
Also awesome job with you handling everything when ya'll were quarantined. I have 2 boys at home with a few scares over the last few weeks. I commend you because it's a lot of work keeping kids focused on their online learning, keeping up with the kid's missing assignments, and keeping them busy during quarantine.

Thanks! It's crazy, isn't it! The working remotely and remote schooling. It was a long and hard 2.5weeks and at times stressful, but then I felt a deep connection with the kids as well and that was nice. Good luck to you and your boys with the online learning!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
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S5 said today he's going on vacation with D2, W, and OM2 this Summer. It pained my heart hearing that. I know there's nothing I can do, but it still hurts.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
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Sorry man. How is your GAL coming?


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Sorry man. How is your GAL coming?

It's a mixed bag. On my weeks with the kids I only spent time with them. That's fulfilling and I love it. On the weeks without the kids I've tried to get together with friends as much as possible but it's been difficult at times with COVID and with others' couples plans. For example, this week I'm "off" but it's Valentines Day weekend (and 1yr BD anniversary as it happens), so many already have plans which aren't conducive to a a third wheel. I've been fulling the downtime with house improvements, which as helped. I need to do better with exercise - I haven't been lifting or anything.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Hi BL42,

I hear you on Valentine's Day. Have you considered.. a light-hearted date (I joke that Valentine's Day is the easiest day for men to get dates).. organizing a singles' event (e.g., socially-distanced in a park).. organizing a kids' event (e.g., making and exchanging digital photos of cards).. charity work showing love to others, an activity you love (e.g., walking, hiking, cycling, skiing).. or self-love making that full, wonderful dinner you would've made for others? I'll have my kids, but these all crossed my mind. Take care!

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi BL42,

I hear you on Valentine's Day. Have you considered.. a light-hearted date (I joke that Valentine's Day is the easiest day for men to get dates).. organizing a singles' event (e.g., socially-distanced in a park).. organizing a kids' event (e.g., making and exchanging digital photos of cards).. charity work showing love to others, an activity you love (e.g., walking, hiking, cycling, skiing).. or self-love making that full, wonderful dinner you would've made for others? I'll have my kids, but these all crossed my mind. Take care!

All great ideas...thanks for the suggestions! If I can't find others' to spend time with I'll make it a point to go on a hike and/or skiing by myself. Not necessarily worked up about Valentine's Day per se, just an example of when friends have plans and can't include me. I did go to a Super Bowl party yesterday and brunch with friends last weekend, so it's not as if I'm always on my own.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi BL42,

I hear you on Valentine's Day. Have you considered.. a light-hearted date (I joke that Valentine's Day is the easiest day for men to get dates).. organizing a singles' event (e.g., socially-distanced in a park).. organizing a kids' event (e.g., making and exchanging digital photos of cards).. charity work showing love to others, an activity you love (e.g., walking, hiking, cycling, skiing).. or self-love making that full, wonderful dinner you would've made for others? I'll have my kids, but these all crossed my mind. Take care!

All great ideas...thanks for the suggestions! If I can't find others' to spend time with I'll make it a point to go on a hike and/or skiing by myself. Not necessarily worked up about Valentine's Day per se, just an example of when friends have plans and can't include me. I did go to a Super Bowl party yesterday and brunch with friends last weekend, so it's not as if I'm always on my own.


BL! I like this. Focus on what you can control (yourself, not others)!


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Sorry to read about the OM2 sitch BL42. No sane person would advocate that the sleepovers when the kids are there are a good idea. But as others have said, you cannot control W and OM2 on this one. Detach.

That sitch is one example of the tension between wanting to speak out and knowing that doing so is unlikely to change anything. Here's the thing - issuing orders or directives to do/not do something where you cannot control the outcome is pointless, smells like weakness and leads to further disrespect and not being taken seriously. You understand this. However, expressing disapproval of an inappropriate situation without any directive or threatened consequence is something different. If done properly - calmly, matter-of-factly, with control - it does not have the same downsides IMO.

I bring this up not to urge you to speak out to your W re the sleepovers but to just address the issue more generally as it can be debated as to whether "STFU if i can't control the outcome" is the best play in all circumstances. It's the safe play for sure as it eliminates the downside risks. But for those who are at or can get to the point of emotional control and calm inner strength, expressing disapproval of actions that they strongly disagree with (particularly when it comes to their kids) actually shows strength. Detachment does not equate to head in the sand and ignorance of bad behavior that affects your kids.

You sound like a great Dad. Keep it up. Your kids have one Dad and that's you. They are very young with alot to learn. Saddle up for the long haul and be their foundation.

Don't spin about the summer vacation with OM2. Summer is a long way off and alot can happen before then, not just between W and OM2 but with your own growth and detachment. One day at a time buddy.

Get an exercise program going. Lift if you can. The iron is great medicine.

Hang in there man, you're on the right track.


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The thing about Valentines Day is that people allow a calendar date to emotionally pressure them. Another source has said how hard it is for single people, b/c others will ask them about their Valentine plans, or what they got for Valentines day, etc. I just think it's a consumer holiday, and it's gotten out of control. I think it causes more problems than blessings.

I feel somewhat sorry for teenage boys all the way up through married men, b/c so many gals expect the big balloons, candy, flowers, jewelry, a romantic dinner, or whatever. And if the gal is in high school or works with other women.........she wants that stuff delivered during the day so others see what she gets. I've seen young gals have a bad attitude when her young guy didn't have the financial means to get the biggest & best. It's ridiculous!

Valentines day is in memory of St. Valentine, who was a Roman saint..........Just like St. Patrick's Day is about an Irish saint. Look at who is making money from these holidays. Christmas & Easter are big money making holidays, too.

Look at newcomers who ask if they should get their spouse a birthday gift, although the spouse may be in an A , physically separated, etc. Why has our society succumbed to the idea they are suppose to do something b/c the calendar says it's a holiday?

BL42, I commend you for not allowing this date to dictate that you have to celebrate in some romantic way.


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I buy all the 1/2 off chocolate the day after Vday. It's my reward and also a sign that I love myself. laugh

Originally Posted by Gekko
Here's the thing - issuing orders or directives to do/not do something where you cannot control the outcome is pointless, smells like weakness and leads to further disrespect and not being taken seriously. You understand this. However, expressing disapproval of an inappropriate situation without any directive or threatened consequence is something different. If done properly - calmly, matter-of-factly, with control - it does not have the same downsides IMO.

..for those who are at or can get to the point of emotional control and calm inner strength, expressing disapproval of actions that they strongly disagree with (particularly when it comes to their kids) actually shows strength. Detachment does not equate to head in the sand and ignorance of bad behavior that affects your kids.


I had to do this when X was drinking and driving with our son. No way was I going to let that fly, although I couldn't (and shouldn't) 'control' X - I did tell him that it was not ok. If it happened again I would call the police and I told S17 (at the time) not to get in the car with him.

Of course X went off on me. It was ugly. I actually recorded the conversation (to keep me calm and strong, not to use against him).

I used that old adage "Will this matter in 10 minutes, 10 weeks, 10 years?" - Big FAT yes to all three. Had something happened, and I didn't stand for my kids and grandkids, I wouldn't have been ok.

Fast forward 3 years later - S27 lit into him because he was drinking and driving with the grands. (apparently he had gotten better and then relapsed) I'm glad I spoke up. I'm glad my S27 spoke up.

It's good to have a line. It's going to be different for everyone, but we can't let the fear of 'losing them' override good common sense and protection of our kids. If we live in the realm of "the M is dead", fear can't dictate our choices and motivations.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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