I'm considering having a conversation with my W regarding the kids and OM2 staying overnight when they're there and having breakfast together.
What she does on her parenting time is none of your business. I know it is a very bitter pill to swallow, but unless the law is being broken or child services need to investigate the mental/physical welfare of the children........nothing will be done. Even your lawyer said there is nothing. It stinks, but it's all part of this type of horrible sitch.
BL42, having a conversation with your WW about this subject will basically give her a "one up", b/c she knows you can't control her side of the street.
There's a more important reason for not telling her the kids told you, and that's b/c she'll threaten them about ever discussing what goes on in that house. Then the kids will feel they can't trust you to not report what they've said. Bad idea, in IMHO.
We see this a lot on the board, so you aren't the only dad having to accept that co-parenting and discussing the children does not include her lack of moral standards. If OM doesn't cause a threat to the kids, the law will do nothing and you come out looking like a pathetic controlling fool.......instead of a caring father. Let it go. Focus on what goes on when you have the kids, rather than when she has them. Don't you know they go back telling her how much fun they had with Daddy, and that they didn't have to share his time with someone else (like their mom does)? The kids don't talk about it to hurt the parent, it's just how kids are........and they do it in both houses. One thing they don't need is for a parent to drill them about what was said by the other parent. Know what I mean?
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What she does on her parenting time is none of your business. I know it is a very bitter pill to swallow, but unless the law is being broken or child services need to investigate the mental/physical welfare of the children........nothing will be done. Even your lawyer said there is nothing. It stinks, but it's all part of this type of horrible sitch.
I've accepted the relationship/marriage part of the sitch at this point but definitely still coming to grips with the child rearing aspect - definitely a tough pill to swallow.
Originally Posted by sandi2
BL42, having a conversation with your WW about this subject will basically give her a "one up", b/c she knows you can't control her side of the street.
My L said exactly the same thing. Similar to when her attorney sent a letter threatening arrest and we ignored it, a communication from me or my attorney would have the same toothless effect, and would give her power / a win.
Originally Posted by sandi2
There's a more important reason for not telling her the kids told you, and that's b/c she'll threaten them about ever discussing what goes on in that house. Then the kids will feel they can't trust you to not report what they've said. Bad idea, in IMHO.
I've been very mindful about not betraying trust with the kids. S5 has opened up more to my mom, and we're careful not to have her betray his trust so he'll continue to see her as his "safe person", and S5 & D2 slipped up to me about OM2 but I'd never tell W or any of her family for exactly the reason you point out. I am. however, concerned W has already been telling the kids to be secret about things for quite awhile because of the amount of time it took them to mention something. That's not right, but as you say...nothing I can control.
Originally Posted by sandi2
We see this a lot on the board, so you aren't the only dad having to accept that co-parenting and discussing the children does not include her lack of moral standards. If OM doesn't cause a threat to the kids, the law will do nothing and you come out looking like a pathetic controlling fool.......instead of a caring father. Let it go. Focus on what goes on when you have the kids, rather than when she has them. Don't you know they go back telling her how much fun they had with Daddy, and that they didn't have to share his time with someone else (like their mom does)? The kids don't talk about it to hurt the parent, it's just how kids are........and they do it in both houses. One thing they don't need is for a parent to drill them about what was said by the other parent. Know what I mean?
((hugs))
In terms of controlling what I can, not to brag but I am crushing it on the parenting end. I've been flexing out of work to spend the maximum amount of time with them and having a lot of fun. I'm definitely making the kids my #1 priority.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Again it's been a few weeks since my last update...this time due to COVID. Not long after my last post I was notified of an potential exposure and tested positive the next day, so my kids and I quarantined together/alone for 2.5 weeks straight. Fortunately our symptoms were mild and the illness itself was not too serious for us...but it was quite a crazy time trying to take care of D2 and help S5 with school calls/assignments, all while trying to get my professional work done! Not much time to read/post on this forum. Normally my parents provide daycare/virtual schooling (and W has time obviously) but this was just me doing everything 24/7 - don't think they were more than 20ft from me for 17 straight days! I love them but being so young were crawling all over me LOL. It was exhausting and frustrating at times, but also a lot of fun and I felt a strong sense of bonding with them...plus they thought it was fun getting grocery and dinner delivery!
Because of the quarantine duration W video chatted more than usual and came over and saw the kids through the window several times. It was weird hearing her via the smartphone so much - because the kids are so small I had to help at times - and having her come over, but I mostly tried to keep busy doing something in the other room to avoid hearing/seeing her and let the kids interact.
W requested half my scheduled week following the quarantine. Initially I didn't want to give up the time because I love and miss the kids and felt I was helping them through illness and didn't have a weekend to take them anywhere, but eventually responded, saying "yes, that's fair" because they did stay with me through her week and S5 was definitely missing her at times. Plus if I'm being honest it was good to get a break after all that. W did request in an email I respond in a "timely manner" to her emails/texts and that it was "pretty ridiculous" it took me so long to get back to her on the schedule adjustment. I ignored the comment and did not engage, but suppose she has a point - my delay (days, not hours) was partially because I didn't want to give up any time with the kids but also a bit of bitterness regarding the situation she's put us in.
GAL has been difficult because of quarantine. Obviously I didn't see another soul in person during it, but even afterwards almost all of my friends are coupled off now and have less time to meet up spontaneously and also have other plans on weekends with family or other friends. I did clear out the basement, sell some items online, did a significant project in the garage, and had interior decorators come over today. It feel good to check items off my list and make progress to improving the house. This coming weekend is my second "off" weekend and I do have brunch scheduled with a bunch of friends on Saturday and plan to go skiing on Sunday, so I'm looking forward to that.
In terms of the D/finances, W proposed a fair value of the martial home so that's good. We're exchanging more financial information in the next week or two, so hopefully we can finalize assets soon.
This week last year we were enjoying a family vacation at Disney, and I had no idea of what was to come - it's hard to believe it's been a year since that trip. And such a bizarre/crazy/terrible year it's been. I'm just trying to keep moving forward...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Sounds like despite the COVID, that things seem to be going pretty well for you BL, good to hear, I hope things continue this way for you mate.
Completely understand that strange feeling re things being so different from a year ago. This time last year my STBXW and I were looking for houses to buy (we bought in March). I vividly remember being in a furniture store looking for a new couch with her and (then) S3 in May last year. Strange to think given where I am now.
Keep moving forward BL, those feelings will subside and hopefully you'll think of them less and less as time passes.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
W did request in an email I respond in a "timely manner" to her emails/texts and that it was "pretty ridiculous" it took me so long to get back to her on the schedule adjustment. I ignored the comment and did not engage, but suppose she has a point - my delay (days, not hours) was partially because I didn't want to give up any time with the kids but also a bit of bitterness regarding the situation she's put us in.
I think some newcomers overdo in their endeavor to appear too busy to respond immediately. The other spouse will see through it pretty quickly. The point of "waiting" is so that the LBS isn't seen as obviously sitting on the phone, hoping to hear something from the other spouse. It's part of the "moving forward with their life" and the other spouse is no longer top priority. Sometimes, the LBS needs a little time to check with the board if he isn't sure how to handle a situation. I've seen some cases where it did get ridiculous. So, looks as if she has your number.
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Obviously I didn't see another soul in person during it, but even afterwards almost all of my friends are coupled off now and have less time to meet up spontaneously and also have other plans on weekends with family or other friends.
I remember how hard this hit my mother in the face after my dad died. To her, it felt as though all their friends were couples, and when my dad died, they no longer (at least the husbands) were interested in continuing the friendship. It happens in divorce situations, too. The dynamic of the old friendship changes, b/c one person is no longer there.
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This week last year we were enjoying a family vacation at Disney, and I had no idea of what was to come - it's hard to believe it's been a year since that trip. And such a bizarre/crazy/terrible year it's been. I'm just trying to keep moving forward...
We never know what life is going to throw at us in a year's time, right? You survived, and you will continue moving forward like a survivor.
I hope you'll keep posting, and post on other threads.
(((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Forgot to mention in the above update my birthday was during the quarantine and W asked several different times if she could order cake and ice cream for me and the kids; I declined several times. She also asked about groceries and medicines and picking me up something for dinner when she did for the kids; I declined all of the offers. I'm not saying it was any sort of reconciliation overture - probably her feeling guilty I was sick and stuck with sic kids, or wanting the kids to enjoy the birthday party - but it did feel good internally to stand up and implicitly say "I don't need you or your help".
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Tried to stay busy during my off week with the kids. I've been checking a lot of things off my "to do list", did a number of projects around the house, caught up on some professional work, and did brunch which led into dinner with friends over the weekend.
It's crazy this week with them, remote school, and work. I've continued to flex as much as possible at work to spend time with the kids, and took them sledding this week. Looking forward to a Super Bowl party with friends this weekend after drop off.
On the D side, I gathered up a bunch of requested financial documents and made a list to request from W. We have a solid agreement on the value of the martial home. There's a lot more to negotiate over, but W & I are on-board with keeping the lawyers out of it (at least for now) and trying to come to agreement between the two of us without running up legal bills. Time will tell. I floated the proposal of each of us taking our own assets, accounts...etc. in the interest of moving things along (which she's definitely interested in) but she's entitled to more legally so not sure that will fly. We'll see. I updated my own financial picture in my head over the Summer based on what the law would rule, so even if I lose a good bit I've already come to terms with it - and it's not bad considering in some states it would be much worse.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Happy belated bday. I don't have much to offer for advice, I think you're killing it on all fronts. Stay detached, keep busy and keep doing what you're doing with the kids.
Regarding om and the kids, sounds like that's going to be an emotional trigger for you. You've handled it well and you luckily got great people giving you great advice as there is very little you can do regarding the other camp. One thing I want to say and I think it goes along with what Sandi mentioned about giving the WW the one up and how it affects the kids' trust, is that you want to always be coming from a place of strength. The less you show ww and om the better imo.
Kudos for not accepting anything from the WW. You're right, she could be trying to extend the olive branch because she is getting what she wants and is feeling a little guilty but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean anything.
Keep your guard up and your wits about you as you move into the agreements on the D. So far it sounds like it's amicable, but its too early to tell. She sounds like she is getting what she wants but those little flare ups with the MIL and her calling your phone the way she did...(I'm a little suspect). I'd keep running everything through your attorney and keep your cards close to your chest. We don't know if om2 can become om3, etc...you don't know how bad it can get.
With young children involved with this transition, if you haven't already, have you thought about seeking professional guidance from a counselor. The reason I say this is because you mentioned the children asking where is om2 in your presence and correct me if I am wrong, you stayed silent, right? That could have been the best thing to do at that point but maybe it was brought up for a reason and in their own way they are trying to communicate with you. Its tough, I don't have answers to that but if I was in that situation I'd definitely seek some guidance on when its okay to talk to children and at what age. If they have questions, what is okay and not okay to say that is age appropriate. I'm sure they will want reassurance from you.
Also awesome job with you handling everything when ya'll were quarantined. I have 2 boys at home with a few scares over the last few weeks. I commend you because it's a lot of work keeping kids focused on their online learning, keeping up with the kid's missing assignments, and keeping them busy during quarantine.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
That’s where I am bro, and we agreed to mediate, even though we are in agreement she is not as sophisticated. So, one week after little D turns 18, stbxw, on the advice of her nitwit friend, hires an attorney.
And I ask, it’s only money, why did you hire an attorney?
W: Oh, I thought he was a mediator, he told me he could mediate.
Now my fear is the guy is going to just run up the tab when all we need is a settlement agreement and W is now the higher earning spouse and We agreed on all the numbers 50 50.
I’m tell stbxw here are my financials have him draw up an agreement but I’m not going in there to “ mediate “ with your advocate.
