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A Message from Michele
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Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2907336
11/01/20 03:56 PM
11/01/20 03:56 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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H is moving into new rental and as we are heading into lockdown for 4 weeks he wants to establish a routine when the kids stay with him. Kids have lived with me for over 7 months now, it feels strange that we are about to embark on this journey.

I feel good about my life, but its the kid thing and the whole childcare arrangement that bothers me most. I still cant get my head around it. Kids and i have a life, friends that we see and go for walks with, it means i will have to fit all of that on the days i have the kids. I know im being selfish here, but i dont want to miss out on any time in their lives. They are growing up and i know that in no time they will be teenagers who might not even want to spend time with me!

Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2907338
11/01/20 04:51 PM
11/01/20 04:51 PM
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CWarrior Online
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Hi Gigi,

Truth. Itís sometimes hard not seeing your kids 50% of the time, even 10yrs in, even when theyíre a teen and only *sometimes* want you near, lol. The trade-off is you learn to be more present when you do have time. How often in a 2-parent household are both parents busy? Itís rarer when switching custody. Last night for my 4-hour Halloween possession I had new decorations, a scary (pg-13) movie, dinner, and a candy cookie project ready to go! And then this morning itís me time and now that Iím caffeinated Iím off on a full-day training hike to up my physical endurance.

PS - Volunteering at your kidsí school and sports gives you extra time, even during COVID.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Taking next steps [Re: CWarrior] #2907339
11/01/20 05:02 PM
11/01/20 05:02 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Yes of course, you are right in terms of time. I have been on my own with them for 7 months, with very minimal support from H. Every parents phone call, every school interaction, 99% drop offs and pick ups, dinners and breakfast, bedtimes and sleepless nights were on me! And i managed all of that woth more energy and more presence compared to when H lived here! I dont know how that is possible, but i havent enjoyed motherhood this much before, im present for my kids, we have great routines, they are involved in so much around the house. I encourage a lot of independence, they help with cleaning the dishes etc. Our relationship has become so much better, i feel like i know them.

I love hearing their laughter in the house, their chats with each other, how they play and fight, so missing out on that is so so difficult for me. Feels like suddenly he is invading our lives after 7 months of visiting the kids.

Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2907836
11/06/20 10:21 PM
11/06/20 10:21 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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We are now in lockdown for 4 weeks, not that much change to normal life really, as i remain working from home, kids going to school.

We have a strange dynamic going on really, as ah hasn't had a place to stay permanently he has been coming here to spend time with kids. On Wednesday kids found an old memory card and wanted to check whats on it, it turned out it had some pics from when they were little and a few pictures of H and I cuddling etc. It was odd sitting through that with H commenting and making kids laugh. I dont see these things as anything but just that, him spending time with kids.

Today he has rung the kids and was at OW parents house (ow lives with her folks), its so absurd really. She waves and sais hello to s6. Its his moving day tomorrow, so it remains to be seem if they move in together or just him. He hasnt said anything to me, but i dont anticipate he would, thats the type of thing he just springs on us and expects kids to be ok.

Boys are doing well, but its like they have forgotten the conversations we have had, in the last week they both have asked so many times when is H just coming back home.....i have to remind them he doesnt live with us. The kids part is still tricky, everything else is fairly easy to be fair. I dont contact him unless is essential (i.e fine i. His car-car in my name) he txt me daily to ask about the kids. How long so we go on like that?!

Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2908026
11/09/20 07:06 PM
11/09/20 07:06 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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So i need to sense check something.

H has his new place but hasnt moved in, today he picked up the kids from school and took them to the house (said he would take to park but it rained) he was speaking to the kids and said on wednesday you could come round and help me clean the house....i really do t mind, however i have no idea where his house is, and i find it odd that my kids will go there and i dont know their whereabouts....so i thought saying on wednesday, ill pick the kids up after school and we will come together to your new house. Kids also said to him they want me to see it! So great opportunity for them to be excited about showing me around. At this stage i dont know if OW is moving in or not, but i feel like that shouldn't really matter in this scenario.

This is new territory for me, so i dont know whats reasonable and how this works really

Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2908699
11/16/20 10:56 PM
11/16/20 10:56 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Hi everyone, nearly 8 months post bd. I feel emotionally stable, good, kids are good too, be it confused still.

No idea what is happening in H life, i dont ask. Het an occasional txt about kids, but he is very much a seperate entity from us. From some brief remarks, i gather that he is staying at ows parent house, thats all i know.

I need to put it out there, i have joined a dating site! And i realised that im not even remotely interested in that! Maube im not ready, maybe its not how i would like to meet people, maybe i dont want to explain the complexity of
My sitch. It doesnt really matter why, but it feels wrong and unnatural at this stage. The amount of attention from men is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i want to waste my time and energy on talking to 30 to find that i dont find any of them even remotely interesting.

Anyways, deregistering shortly. Is this normal to feel like this?

Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2908763
11/17/20 04:42 PM
11/17/20 04:42 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by Gigi123
Hi everyone, nearly 8 months post bd. I feel emotionally stable, good, kids are good too, be it confused still.

No idea what is happening in H life, i dont ask. Het an occasional txt about kids, but he is very much a seperate entity from us. From some brief remarks, i gather that he is staying at ows parent house, thats all i know.

I need to put it out there, i have joined a dating site! And i realised that im not even remotely interested in that! Maube im not ready, maybe its not how i would like to meet people, maybe i dont want to explain the complexity of
My sitch. It doesnt really matter why, but it feels wrong and unnatural at this stage. The amount of attention from men is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i want to waste my time and energy on talking to 30 to find that i dont find any of them even remotely interesting.

Anyways, deregistering shortly. Is this normal to feel like this?


There is no normal in any of this. Many turn to dating and even casual sex as a coping mechanism. I am not a fan of it, and my advice is always the same. Do not complicate your situation by introducing a new person into the mix.

I am a big fan of the show Everybody Loves Raymond. There is one episode where a woman mistakes Robert for Ray,. and when she shows up at Ray's house, everyone thinks Ray is cheating on Debra, His dad Frank says: "What did I teach you? You have a problem with the wife you don't go out and get another broad (sic). Now you just have TWO problems!"

I think Frank through his crassness hit on a very important principle for LBSs. There will be plenty of time for dating in the future. No need to rush into before you are mentally and emotionally ready. Many on this form have broken that principle and paid an emotional price for it later.

So is it normal to feel weird about it this early? I think it is, but then many would say I am the abnormal one. My advice is to deregister. Focus on you and your kids. When your WAH is long gone in the rearview mirror, the D is final, and the kids are used to the arrangement then you can dip your toe into the dating water.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Taking next steps [Re: Steve85] #2908786
11/17/20 09:12 PM
11/17/20 09:12 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Thanks Steve

I realise that whilst im healing and doing well there are aspects in my life that are still trigger points. Primarily around kids and uncertainty of the future around childcare.
I also have no idea when the D is going to be finalised, as H hasnt filed. In fact H did very little from what he said. Needless to say the house is not on the market, divorce is not on the table. I mean there are hundreds of things he said he would do but never did. And it seems everytime i just say ok to him and not create obstacles he just back down.

Im still very conflicted about dating whilst im married and whilst clearly his values allow
Him to do that, i really struggle with that. It feel like im betraying something that I committed to. Sounds stupid because our marriage doesnt exist.

I think it was a good trial run registering, but alas im not there yet.

Kids are really confused where they think I should have keys to dads new house, they very much consider our house their home and then theres dads house. They know who ow is, but havent put 2x2 together. They still very much see us as a family and are convinced if we ever moved to another country H would go with us. So there is a lot to work through still with them.

Every now and again i get a call from H, a week ago he cried on the phone to me about missing the kids, a
Couple of days later he sent me a message to say that he is so grateful for everything im doing. I either validate how he is feeling or dont respond. And then he goes quiet again.

We have no formal agreements re childcare, in fact we just dont talk about anything, we have no agreements at all.

It sort of feels like limbo, but likewise feels fairly final now that he has rented a house for himself and invested money into new stuff for the house.

I dont have the resource at the moment for anything to be finalised, but i consider it more and more to sense check when enough is enough and i think somewhere deep down i still have a connection to H, its not a painful one, but still present.

Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2908920
11/19/20 01:19 PM
11/19/20 01:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by Gigi123

Im still very conflicted about dating whilst im married and whilst clearly his values allow
Him to do that, i really struggle with that. It feel like im betraying something that I committed to. Sounds stupid because our marriage doesnt exist.



One of the things that R2C says is to never give up on your core principles! No matter what your STBX is doing or not doing. And I think this is such great advice. Many LBSs have given up core principles because they felt justified in doing so only to regret it later. Core principles are there for a reason. Always let your core principles guide your actions. Not the other way around. We have a society today that act first and then justify. And we see so many problems in our society today because of that philosophy. Having a strong set of principles that guide what you believe to be right and wrong, and then acting according will make a huge difference in your life!

As far as the finality. We tell LBSs all the time, you will know when enough is enough and YOU will take decisive action at that point to end things. Rather than sitting back and letting him decide. In my sitch I had, on the guidance of an anti-D expert I consulted with, a hard drop-dead date. I would give my W until X date, and then go and file for D myself. Life is too short to wait forever. Especially to wait on the laziness of a WAS.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Taking next steps [Re: Gigi123] #2909064
11/22/20 03:42 PM
11/22/20 03:42 PM
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Your words are so encouraging! I know that a day will come when i say it os enough indeed, im not there yet.

We have just embarked on a new chapter, and for the first time in 8 months the kids stayed with H for two nights. Somehow i thought he would want to spend time with the lids and get them settled, but OW was there the whole time and stayed over. But not something i can do anything about, so i let it go and let my own principles guide me. I know i wouldn't do that, as i value my time with the children on my own so so much. Im sure it will take some time for us to iron out schedules that suit both of us. Kids missed me and s7 struggled to fall asleep and ended up sleeping with H and OW.....s5 wanted to come home early but H said him and OW would miss him too much. H is very much trying to integrate Ow into their lives, again outside of my control. Ow is 14 younger than H, lives at her parents (or maybe with H now) and doesnt have kids.

Anyhow i just need to make sure that we are all ok, the rest life will iron out over time and everyone will end up where they belong.

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