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So. I've made the decision to end it. This is incredibly tough and it will be on everyone.

I have largely figured out how to tell her, probably tomorrow and the rest is just logistics.

It is the right choice for me which feels selfish. I know that I have to not let what would be best for the boys and S interfere. They are on their own journey.

Now to actually do it. ((everyone))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
So. I've made the decision to end it. This is incredibly tough and it will be on everyone.

I have largely figured out how to tell her, probably tomorrow and the rest is just logistics.

It is the right choice for me which feels selfish. I know that I have to not let what would be best for the boys and S interfere. They are on their own journey.

Now to actually do it. ((everyone))


This is no surprise to anyone, and I donít think it will be a surprise to S. You and S are simply incompatible. I do feel for her boys but they are her responsibility.

You are doing the right thing, you know this. (((Andrew)))

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(((((((Andrew)))))

I know this is really hard, but stick to your guns. This isnít working for you, and now you have a much clearer picture of what youíre dealing with. Thereís no need to go into details with her. It simply isnít what you expected and she isnít who you thought she was. End of story.

And if she tries to say ďyouíre just like all the othersĒ remind yourself that you ARE probably like them, but not in the way she means. You, like them, realized sheís not going to change and that you were sold a bill of goods.

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This decision is not selfish at all. You are doing the right thing here. Perhaps it was selfish to let it get this far but whatís done is done. You can only learn from it. You are not being selfish!

Why do I suspect something else just happened which has helped you come to this decision? And if thatís the case, itís okay. But my fear is S is so good at this and you already feel guilty that she will try to manipulate you out of it. What really matters is what your family thinks, what your friends think, you son, your daughter and mostly YOU. Itís okay if S doesnít agree. She likely wonít. Thatís okay. Things should have never progressed this far this fast. You know that now and are just doing what should have been done right away.

S will be fine. Her kids have gone through this so many times they will not be the least bit surprised. Most importantly, you will be much better off. Be proud of yourself for making the tough decisions and following through on them.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Crap. I'm all over the place on this. I hope I can find it in me. A house full of happy people isn't reinforcing anything.

I really really hope I can do the right thing.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Happy people because theyíre not having Thanksgiving in a hoarders house. Not your responsibility.

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Remember - you thought you were getting a partner, someone who was going to start her own business, be capable of cleaning with your help, would support you and offer back to you what you put into the relationship.

Instead you got somebody unwilling or incapable of working, who doesnít even attempt to adjust her hours to yours, who spends twice as many hours of the day watching television as dealing with her stuff, and who appears to be a classic hoarder. Who also doesnít respect the household budget and seems content to live in this chaos. Itís just not a fit and it doesnít need to be anything more than that.

Like I said - you thought things would be different and that she was a different person than the one you are living with now. End of story.

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I know this is a very very hard thing to do. But you are making the absolute right decision.

And yeah, a house full of happy people on a holiday.

What comes after that?

They leave, no one cleans up, youíll be cleaning, and she will be sleep until 12-1pm tomorrow, get up and do nothing productive with her day. Her pets will be your responsibility, her kids will be your responsibility.

She canít even get up to drive her son to work. And good for that boy, he actually has a job he seems very dedicated to!

Happy people today, tomorrow will be another day where you are not happy:

Get your life back, Andrew. You can do it

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((((Andrew))))

This is NOT a selfish decision. I canít add anything the others havenít already said but I agree with all of them. Youíre sacrificing yourself to accommodate someone who isnít even willing to pick dog poop up off your rug. Think about that! Sure it is a difficult choice but ending it does NOT make you the bad guy. It makes you a guy who is standing up for himself and taking his own life back. S will be fine and so will her kids because this is her pattern and their life. Hang tough, Andrew...you got this!


Me 51, H52
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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Andrew,

I donít post much here. In fact I may have never even posted in your thread, but I read here and there. Just wanted to say good luck with whatís coming next. Looks to me like youíve made a decision and I donít think anyone here thinks itís a selfish one. You have to put yourself first also, thereís absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sending good thoughts


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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