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((((Andrew))))

I'm teary eyed. Just want to cry for you. frown

There's so many things wrong with your relationship in your last post... no need to share my negative thoughts about them.

We're here for you.

I'm happy you're having brunch with your son tomorrow. smile

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I agree with Bttrfly,

I honestly think a few days away at your daughter’s would be very beneficial. Removing yourself from the chaos for a while will do you good.

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Originally Posted by Westo
I agree with Bttrfly, I honestly think a few days away at your daughter’s would be very beneficial. Removing yourself from the chaos for a while will do you good.

And I'm going to agree with both of them - although perhaps not for the same reasons. As I read this latest round of truth, I kept thinking about how people fall into situations and more quickly than you might think, the situation they are in becomes normal to them. It's sort of like the nose blind thing people talk about. I used to remember going into all sorts of homes on 911 calls and the stench could knock you over from just outside the front door. Once inside it was all we could do to put up with the smell. Yet, the person or person's living there didn't even notice. They had gone nose blind. The exact same thing happens in Rs and clearly has happened in this one. Case in point - wondering why a married woman is not posting on social media about her engagement. Really? That's a head scratcher? See to me it's way, way more odd that a married woman is engaged. But I'm not nose blind.

The same comes up with sleeping until noon or into the afternoon. Who does that? At least unless you're not working 2nd or 3rd shift, who does that? Who leaves dog poop? Who leaves teenagers to live by themselves? I mean, just look at pretty much ALL OF IT!!!!! This is pretty off the rails crazy stuff. Yet we are often trying to make sense of it. Friends, you just can't make sense of nonsense. And I know I'm being very harsh again, but from outside - just like the smell that is as plain as your face - these things are so simple. Yet when in them, or when trying to help, it can be confusing and difficult. It's not. This is just not normal behavior - or at least behavior that most people would want to hitch their wagon to. So, yes, leaving for a few days or even weeks, and then coming back might give you a much need new perspective - just like when leaving the smelly house will allow things to right themselves whereby upon the return home, you say "OMG, what's that smell?" You need this reset Andrew.

Originally Posted by dream
((((Andrew))))

I'm teary eyed. Just want to cry for you. frown There's so many things wrong with your relationship in your last post... no need to share my negative thoughts about them.

Yes, there are so many things wrong and they have all been there from the beginning. The good news (yes there is good news here) there is nothing keeping Andrew from ending it all. There are really no nasty financial ties, no job or work ties, no children ties, really none at all. If somehow S left tomorrow, it would be a pretty simple detachment. Sure, Andrew would feel bad for a time but I'm not even sure that's the case at this point other than longing for what was hoped was there but never really was. I think if we could wave a magic want and just make S go away, Andrew would likely feel a weight off of his shoulders. He might even be making Thanksgiving dinner and having his son over.

You can put an end to this Andrew. You really can. If a list were created noting all of the positives and all of the negatives, we'd need pages for the list of negatives and probably could write the positives in a few lines. So when Dream and others say "We're here for you" I think that needs to start meaning here to support you in getting out of this mess and getting your life back. We'll then go to work trying to prevent this from occurring a third time. smile But, right now, there really is good news in this can all be undone relatively easily. That won't be the case with every passing month.


DonH
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Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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DonH that is exactly the reason I suggested Andrew get away for a short respite, because I hoped that by doing so he will come back into this with a fresh perspective and clarity that one often loses when in the think of it.

I'm sorry if I didn't make that more clear.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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I agree with the others

You speak of her trying to find a way out or looking for an exit. You don’t have to wait for that. You should be doing the same. There is too much at stake here for you if you wait too long.

It’s ok for YOU to make the decision to exit because it’s not working.

Have a great brunch with S26 and the girls. So sad you had to give up the pets that you have always cared for when hers stay and she couldn’t care less about them.

I agree with taking a little trip. I know you can’t see your daughter because borders are closed. But a nice little trip to a quaint town you can walk around in, take in the sites, reflect, think and get some peace might give you some clarity. It’s hard to leave your own home, and I think part of you knows you will come home to an absolutely disaster, but that might be even more eye opening for you.

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Thanks all. Yes - going to visit my daughter is a non-starter for a whole lot of practical reasons. I really wish I could. I've not seen her in over a year what with her moving cross-country, us having a falling-out for a few months, COVID. They are actually probably moving again in a month or so and "because military" I have no idea where to and actually I don't think they do either.

I really miss her. I mailed her down a parcel of Halloween candy though which will hopefully get through and not get counted as a mail-in ballot.

One thing that I've been doing perhaps is the common mistake of projecting. I am unhappy so I presume S is unhappy. I'd like to use my "make it didn't happen" wand and project that she's looking for the door. We actually can know none of these things despite the evidence that we see.

Yesterday I did actually go through and enunciate some of the reasons why I'm not happy. Some of them are necessarily vague - like losing my "spark", not able to do the things that used to bring me joy, a feeling of disrespect for me and the surroundings. When I mentioned that I was upset that the handmade quilt my grandmother had made for me 30+ years ago was pulled out and tossed onto a pile of S's stuff, her response was to say "it was still in the box". She just doesn't "get it" I am sure. I joked (I always joke) that I felt like Dobby the house elf a lot of the time. She responded that she doesn't know where my socks have gone smile . I was glad that while we lay there and talked that she seemed to listen and didn't get obviously defensive and upset.

S has made suggestions since on "fixing" things as well as before. I could make a pie she suggested. She did say that we should spend a day together while I'm on vacation this coming week, perhaps recreating one of the dates we had wandering trails that we enjoyed so much. It was a really really good day.

I was joking with a friend the other day that in some ways this is like having a skunk under the back deck. They're kinda cute and you mean them well, but the stink can be a problem.

S has put in quite the effort in the last few days to get ready for her Dad to come up for Thanksgiving dinner. He keeps his house as neat as a new pin and it's what S grew up with. The living room rug has been found and I believe that various boxes and piles are being shifted around. S was going to shampoo the rugs but the machine had had enough and I believe blew an internal fuse. S woke me up to tell me and suggest that the shop-vac could get up the water. It was a good suggestion, worked reasonably well and she seemed pleased when I told her that she had done the exact right thing. As Don suggested, the noses won't notice the fragrance after a bit although I'm sure it was under a different context. I pointed out to the boys that their mother had worked hard on getting the living room clean and that it was to be left in a clean and tidy state at least until after Thanksgiving.

I could ramble on more and I really appreciate the love and support here even if at times it feels a bit over the top. From the inside it doesn't feel as bad as it looks from the outside.

I have to get S18 up though as he's got an extra and early for him shift at the grocery store he works at. Then off to do the banking and go see S26 for brunch. I may take the sheers and get some random roadside weeds to decorate the side porch as usual. S assures me that she has many boxes of autumn decorations but other than the usual wreath I use and 2 small pumpkins that S picked up and set on the steps (price tag still attached), nothing is up. It will make me feel good to decorate the entrance again as I've been doing since my ex-wife left. She never had any interest in doing much in the way of decorating.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians! And have a great weekend all.


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Happy Thanksgiving! I'm glad that you are going to spend time w/your son and the "girls".

I don't think S is unhappy at all. She's got it made. You get her son up and out the door for his job. You attempt to clean up, both the house and the dog poop, you are providing a roof over their heads and a food, you are providing storage for all of the boxes of stuff that they brought along and yes, an driver to take the kids wherever they need to go. She doesn't have to worry about paying the rent on time, keeping the noise level down or even cleaning up all that much. She and her clan moved in and brought along a freezer w/deceased animals in it. Now, really who does that? She pretty much does whatever the heck she wants and when you mentioned something, she cuts you off and gets snippy...maybe she's forgotten she's not married to you yet and that she is living in YOUR home. Seriously, what is there not to be happy about?

Andrew, I mentioned a page or two ago, as well as others have pointed out, it's time for you to take a trip for a few days away from the situation. I guarantee when you return, nothing will have been done to improve upon the mess that is there at this time. The only reason she's doing a little bit of cleaning now is because of her father coming to visit. Evidently, the only one that motivates her to clean is her father. That tells me that she is quite capable of cleaning and putting things away when she is pressed to do so. So, the key is to discover what truly motivates her to get out of that darn bed at a reasonable hour and get cracking on cleaning up? If it is something that truly interests her, she does it, If her father wasn't coming over, everything would have remained the same...

I don't like to judge people, but from what you've posted over the months, she has health issues, but I also think that she's used those issues to get out of doing stuff for many, many years, hence she's become a bit lazy in getting things done. She knows that you will eventually will go ahead and do the chores and she can sleep her day away and stay up all night texting and watching TV.

There is no shame in pulling the plug on this relationship. It's better to do it sooner rather than later.

Do your decorating outside. You've always enjoyed doing this. If you can get to your boat, bring it out and decorated it again this year. Do the things that make you happy. It is YOUR home...do what you need to do to make you happy.



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote
She and her clan moved in and brought along a freezer w/deceased animals in it


Say WHAT???? How did I miss this part of the story????

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Originally Posted by kml
Quote
She and her clan moved in and brought along a freezer w/deceased animals in it


Say WHAT???? How did I miss this part of the story????


I know....I thought I read it wrong in Andrew’s post a couple of weeks ago so I read it again.

I wasn’t. frown

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Originally Posted by Westo
Originally Posted by kml
Quote
She and her clan moved in and brought along a freezer w/deceased animals in it


Say WHAT???? How did I miss this part of the story????


I know....I thought I read it wrong in Andrew’s post a couple of weeks ago so I read it again.

I wasn’t. frown


to quote Vinzinnini "inconceivable"


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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