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A Message from Michele
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Hi Pommy
Nice to hear from you and glad you survived Covid!

I know you say your H is making progress but its a little hard to tell at this moment. He's been wafting for quite awhile and seems honestly - stuck - whilst still enjoying all the pleasures of a married life.

Is him not having those kind of feelings acceptable for you? And for how long? Perhaps it would be good to think about how long you are will to stand. 2 years is an awfully long time and your MC is adding another 12-18 months??

How is he trying to meet your needs? . What is he doing differently this time? What are you willing to do differently?

You anxiety makes sense because he is consistent on his pattern to go back to OW. How do you break the pattern?

((Pommy))


M(f): 38
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Oh Pommy, I'm sorry it's been so hard.

I think it's fine if you go slow to figure this out. I see that he seems to have a pattern where if he feels like you aren't going anywhere, he feels more comfortable and pulls away. And if you assert yourself and say basically, "I'm not putting up with this and I'm out of here," he runs toward you. So the hard question is, why? Does he love you or is he just afraid of losing the comfort of having you there.

I did this limbo life with my H for four years, and we are getting divorced. Part of me regrets the time, and part of me doesn't because I can say I did everything I could. So how long do you want to do this? You may not have the answer right now, but just think about it. I don't want you to betray yourself or pretzel yourself to make someone else comfortable.

I took a break in the last year and pulled back from him and really worked on myself. I mean really. I worked on building my sense of self-worth, of trying to figure out what my future looked like for me whether I was married or not.
I read a lot. Love Addiction by Pia Mellody was huge. I followed her plan for six months to break any need to be with him so I could then decide if I wanted to be with him. In the end, he decided to file. I do not believe it is because I stopped trying so hard. I think it pushed us faster to the place it was going anyway. I stopped putting up with his behavior. I really saw some things I had avoided seeing. He refused to stop working with her. I realized that his need to work with her (whether for fear of hurting her or because he didn't want his business hurt) came before making things right with me. Came before my needs. So even though this is hard, I know I am going to be okay.

I want you to be able to love yourself and take care of yourself and your needs. But even before that, to know what your needs are. What are your dealbreakers? What is the point where you would rather be alone than live a certain way?

I'm sorry Pommy. Much love to you. You are courageous and strong and kind and wonderful.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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OG: Hi. I come on here from time to time and specifically look for you. I have wondered what happened. It sounds like you made it to the other side and I am happy for you. You didn't deserve to be so miserable. Find yourself a cute 35 year old and have some fun.

Best wishes, Newbie

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Hi Pommy,

It is really good to hear from you. I have been thinking a lot about you and wondering how you are doing. I have to say it is somehow very comforting to know that you're still in piecing, even if things aren't exactly peachy. I think there is still just a long road ahead no matter what happens, and D is no picnic either. You (and I) are in tough spots and unfortunately the only way out is to go through. I'm wondering if you, me, and Wayfarer should move our threads over to piecing? I feel there would be some value to it and can share more of my thoughts if you guys were also interested. It would be nice to see some movement over there. SamCal (if she's still around), I think BluWave and Steve already have threads over there... anyone else?

I have a lot of thoughts but only a couple of minutes, and want to mostly say... I know how you feel, so so so so much. (((Pommy))) This is all so hard and of course you feel angry and scared and vulnerable and anxious. It's OK. But here are some things people have been telling me which has helped: try to de-stress and focus on the present and releasing your anxiety. Dial up to 20,000 feet and stretch out your timeline. Are you OK where you are, right now? Of course not perfect, but are you OK doing what you are doing and moving in the direction you're moving, even not knowing what lies at the end?

If so, maybe you can just take things a day at a time, or a week at a time, and try to squelch that need to analyze exactly where he is and you are and is it moving in the right direction or not. Just relax and try to enjoy the positive things about where you are right now. Your health, your girls, the fact that he is trying and not in touch with EAP. That you know it is just you, him and the M. That is such a major step from where you were before, right? I do try to be grateful for where we are and the progress we've made, even when it isn't where I want to be, yet.

Also-- what are you doing for you? I think the self-care piece continues to be really critical. The more you can focus on you and whatever it is that feeds your soul, the less time and energy you'll have to worry about what your H is or isn't giving you at the moment and how paltry that seems compared to the vision of M2.0.

Hang in there. Maybe let's raise a G&T to each other tonight??

xx M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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Originally Posted by Newbie20
OG: Hi. I come on here from time to time and specifically look for you. I have wondered what happened. It sounds like you made it to the other side and I am happy for you. You didn't deserve to be so miserable. Find yourself a cute 35 year old and have some fun.

Best wishes, Newbie


Oh Newbie, you're so kind! Thank you for caring about me! I don't want to hijack Pommy's thread, but I will let you know I am planning to update tomorrow. I am too drained to do it tonight! smile Please take care! xo


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Originally Posted by Valeska19
I know you say your H is making progress but its a little hard to tell at this moment. He's been wafting for quite awhile and seems honestly - stuck - whilst still enjoying all the pleasures of a married life.

Is him not having those kind of feelings acceptable for you? And for how long? Perhaps it would be good to think about how long you are will to stand. 2 years is an awfully long time and your MC is adding another 12-18 months??

How is he trying to meet your needs? . What is he doing differently this time? What are you willing to do differently?

Hi Valeska, good to hear from you! I don't think H would deny that part of the reason he is here is because he enjoys the comforts of married life, plus he doesn't want to break up the family. He knows there is a big trade off and that he would have a lot to lose. I do firmly believe that OW is not an attraction right now. The things he has been working through with his IC and how he has opened up to me about their R don't paint a pretty picture. I think he has actually been quite hurt by that R.

I do struggle with him not having feelings, he keeps assuring me he is committed to working on this, and both his IC and MC state this is not a 5-minute fix and will take time for both of us to process the A as well as deal with all the problems that led to our demise before that. 2 years is a long time - 18 months longer than I originally thought I would stand, and I'm still standing...and whilst I seem to have hit this milestone in my head, and my head is sometimes telling me enough is enough and I deserve more, I can also rationalize that it's not been 2 years, it's only been 4 months that I have supposedly had his commitment to working on the M. What I do know with 100% certainty is that there are no more chances.

He is definitely trying. When I ask for emotional support/connection or tell him how certain events/dynamics/patterns make me feel, he has made an effort to address them. He is doing so much to build goodwill and make me feel like I matter. I have asked what he needs from me, what I need to do differently and I don't get much feedback.

Originally Posted by Valeska
You anxiety makes sense because he is consistent on his pattern to go back to OW. How do you break the pattern?
This is exactly what my IC told me this week - I am waiting for the next BD - and whilst it might not be OW, it might simply be a declaration of "I don't know what I want right now, I'm not sure how I feel " - which is how he was at the start of the year. She said intuition = knowledge + experience, and it has happened to me several times before, and I know how awful it feels, and I am waiting for it to happen again. I am struggling to remove myself from that thought cycle. IC talked about trust and how H needs to come back down to my level and help me step up but I really want to explore healing myself, and not being dependent on H to soothe my anxiety. I need to feel that I will be fine without him.

Originally Posted by OG
I think it's fine if you go slow to figure this out. I see that he seems to have a pattern where if he feels like you aren't going anywhere, he feels more comfortable and pulls away. And if you assert yourself and say basically, "I'm not putting up with this and I'm out of here," he runs toward you. So the hard question is, why? Does he love you or is he just afraid of losing the comfort of having you there

{{{OG}}} !!!! It's so good to hear from you. I had been wondering about you last summer when you didn't post for a long time. Yes, you have hit on Valeska's point too - H finds comfort and stability in being with me. I am his best companion (ugh, I hate that word....it's so passionless) and he admits he is terrified of S/D. I know he loves me, but I think there is still an element of ILYB. We both know we want and need more and he really does want to get to that place - so do I. If it works, it is the best outcome for all of us - so at least I think now we seem to finally be on the same page we should try and see what is possible for us. It is interesting what you say about your detachment taking you faster to a destination that you were already headed for - that is my worry, that we are just dragging this out, that the end result will be D - right now I honestly don't know. Our M hadn't worked for a long time....but with the right knowledge going forward, could we possibly get to a place of fulfillment? In some ways, I feel we have a real opportunity to hit the M reset button, at a time when in our age group, so many other Ms are going stale.

Originally Posted by May
I have to say it is somehow very comforting to know that you're still in piecing, even if things aren't exactly peachy.
{{{May}}} !!! I have wondered about you so much - I will post on your thread when I get some proper time. Are we in piecing? I still feel that there is too much uncertainty over the M, that I am still grappling sometimes with a stay or go mentality - head vs heart thing. It doesn't seem to matter what I throw at H , he returns to the "I'm committed to working on things". Is that piecing? Neither of us are threatening S or D. H does sometimes say "if things don't work out....", which I find a little unnerving, but it's usually in relation to a reassurance that if things don't work out he can now guarantee that I will never see him with OW.

Originally Posted by may
Dial up to 20,000 feet and stretch out your timeline. Are you OK where you are, right now? Of course not perfect, but are you OK doing what you are doing and moving in the direction you're moving, even not knowing what lies at the end?
Honestly May, I'm not sure if I am OK. I don't know if that is because this month is so, so hard, or because I am scared it wont work out, or something else. IC has made me feel a whole lot better this week - I couldn't understand why I felt so bad when H seems to be listening to what I need - even if he isn't able to give me all of it - plus he feels he has turned a corner with moving on from the A - plus he repeatedly says he is committed to working things out. Yet I still feel so fragile and I didn't understand why. I do feel better since I have spoken to her. I know H has his own issues to work through, and I know this will all take time. I know I need to fill my time better for myself - not so easy as we are still in full lockdown, but there are things I could be doing to help myself more.

Originally Posted by may
That you know it is just you, him and the M. That is such a major step from where you were before, right?
That's the scary bit - we both have a clear perspective - nothing in our forward or peripheral vision to distract us emotionally - we can fully focus on healing and rebuilding. It's an amazing opportunity but it's also a very scary prospect. Is it normal to feel that way?


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Feb 2017
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PM99

I am glad you are posting again.

Your sitch has me stumped and speechless and that never happens lol. On one hand I am not a fan of the I am trying but the passion isn't there line. Usually it's because there is someone else. I think I believe that there is no one else. So the question becomes is he sitting tight going through the motions until OW2 comes around? I guess that is what you need to decide.

So one of the short basic principles I have learned in my readings that has been 100% spot on for me after divorce is "choose a woman who is crazy about you". It makes everything effortless. Something to think about.

Good luck PM99 I really like and respect you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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LH...thanks for stopping by! You raise so many valid points that are difficult for me to process. (Probably another reason of many that I didn't post after BD in November...I felt like everyone else here saw this coming, saw his lack of commitment (I did too), I knew all the mistakes I'd made in accepting him back too quickly last year etc etc - I didn't want them all pointed out again lol!)

Anyways...
Originally Posted by LH
So the question becomes is he sitting tight going through the motions until OW2 comes around? I guess that is what you need to decide.
Yep, I wonder this all the time. Maybe not so much OW2 right now - he is fully experiencing the fallout of an A and the destruction it has caused - not just to me but how it has impacted him as well. I don't think he would go down that route again. I think he would choose to spend time alone before embarking on another R. Easy to say, I guess. The cynical and untrusting side of me could feel he is biding his time until we get out of lockdown, after which he can live alone and live his life without being trapped like he was when we S last year, that he is waiting for better job security before making a move. But I would only be mind-reading if I let those thoughts take hold

Of course I want him to be crazy about me - realistically, 20 years of marriage, it's unlikely, but we should at least be fulfilled in so many different ways. I think his reasons for staying are valid - family, my GD companionship (he finds it hard to imagine a life without me), and I do think the whole idea of starting over, splitting assets etc is not something he takes lightly - that's also a valid reason IMO. BUT - all of this needs to ultimately be underpinned with love, belonging, being content and fulfilled with/by each other. That is what we are working on, that is the bit he says we are working on.
Originally Posted by LH
Good luck PM99 I really like and respect you.
Thank you smile


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 86
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First, don't worry about us - or most of us at least - judging you. I can give you the full list of mistakes I made, or times I let him do something because I was too scared to let go, etc. etc. Being human is hard. And it's more hard when you have been married for a while and have a family.

Anyway, yes, you are in a hard place. Of course you are feeling fragile. Your subconscious knows that you can be hurt. And how much it hurts. Our brains want to keep us safe. It took me a long time to accept that. And then choose whatever level of "lack of safety" I could accept. I am very glad you are working on much of this with an IC.

So....at the end of the day, it seems you don't have all the information yet. I think on the face of it, trying again in a marriage because you don't want to break up your family and/or you don't like S/D is not a bad place to start, necessarily. You just don't, IMO, want to end up being someone's comfort blanket. Unless you're okay with that. For example, my sister in law and her husband are together because they are happy enough and would rather not be alone. That is enough for them, and they are one the same page. It might not be for someone else.

If he is doing what he can to "find the passion," well okay then. But if he's just waiting for it to be gifted from the fairy godmother, it's going to be a long wait. And if he wants it to feel like an affair (which I think is what my stbx wants to feel), well, we can't compete with that. Nor do I want to. And it's not fair to us.

I guess, what does "committed to trying" mean to him? What does it look like? For mine it was one foot in, one foot out. And surprise surprise it didn't work.

What are your dealbreakers? Want can you live with and what can you live without? I found I could not live with my H treating me like a roommate. Being a placeholder for when his new amazing R came along. Is he learning to fill his own holes instead of having them filled by another person or the butterfly feelings of something new? I love that you wrote you want to learn to soothe yourself. This is something I did not understand for a long time. I am of course on the crash course of it now, and here I realize...I don't necessarily miss him. He wasn't all that nice to me, and I experience nightmare after nightmare with him. But i do miss companionship. I am trying to figure out how to create a future and mindset of an exciting life even if I'm alone. That way I don't begin an R because I can't do that.

It's okay if this takes some time and you don't know exactly what you want. I know more what I want now and my dealbreakers, and it's still brutally hard.

I will say the one positive about having a spouse who had an A, is that you now know you can make it through anything. Now you know how strong you are, even when it is so very hard and painful.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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