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Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: may22] #2904532
09/26/20 03:49 PM
09/26/20 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Pommy99
Originally Posted by sage
I see you putting a lot of weight on H to help you make a decision as to whether or not you are able or willing to continue with the MR. It is clear that he simply cannot make this decision for you and will continue to waffle under the weight of it. In fact, it is not fair of him to make that decision for you.

Sage, I think I understand what you are saying.....that I'm basing my decision on his decision? If so, what should I be doing? I felt that this was my boundary, that I will not stay in the M whilst the door to OW is left open. Am I dealing with this in the wrong way? From your perspective, what should I be doing/saying? I honestly feel blinkered right now - I can't see any other way than "I will not stay in this M with OW in the background" - but there is a dependency on him here, right?


Hi dearest Pommy, in response to your question above, I think I need to clarify what I meant by saying you are basing your decision on H's decision. You are absolutely correct in your boundary of not being in a three-way M. However, only you can take care of you. Only you can put up the boundaries to protect you. You cannot control H, but you can control your reaction to H's behavior (or lack thereof). May shared a really good blueprint for actualizing the concept I was sharing:

Originally Posted by may22
If you decide to keep the status quo for the time being, maybe there are other ways you can communicate to your H that your relationship-building phase is on hold until he boots the third party out of your marriage for good. I don't know what might make sense to you, but maybe no more R talks, no more MC, no more loving wife, no more talk of renovating until you feel secure she's gone for good. Maybe you can just say that to him straight up. H, I'm not ready to bail on our M right now. But you need to realize that we can't productively work on our M until you have conclusively ended all contact with OW and put some safety measures in place to ensure she doesn't contact you again. I understand you don't feel ready to do that right now. OK. But I'm not in a place where I can focus on our future together or work on building up our emotional intimacy with her still in the picture in any way. So, please understand that I can no longer (whatever) until we get past this. Thanks. And then.... drop it. Let it go. do your own thing until he's stopped procrastinating and done what he needs to do. Don't bug him about it. If he wants to know why you aren't participating in whatever things you put on hold until it has been done, simply say, I can't do that until I am certain that the third party is no longer in the picture. (or even better, I can't do that and let him fill in the blanks as to why.)


What May suggested seems like it would allow you to be true to you, while also allowing the space for H to make the decision on his own. Given H's indecisive nature, you might need to mentally put a deadline on all of this. I wouldn't communicate that deadline to H, just keep it in your soul. That by a particular date, if he hasn't executed NC, you ask him to leave.

Once H has instigated NC with EAP, I would suggest a therapeutic disclosure. Is your MC familiar with this process? If not, maybe find someone who is an expert in this arena (you might find some therapist names in your area if you explore sex addicts anonymous; it is a tool typically used in those situations). It will eliminate future years of trickle-truths. It might be something to start looking into now to have in your back pocket. It can take a while for the entire process to unfold.

(((Pommy)))

Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2904545
09/26/20 08:20 PM
09/26/20 08:20 PM
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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Will reply more later, but H has broken contact with OW. He called her and told her why he was ending contact. We had agreed that we would sort it out tomorrow, with a text, but he felt a text was too heartless given her recent diagnosis. I would have liked to have been part of it, to hear what he said but he wanted to do it ďhis wayĒ and he didnít tell me beforehand because he thought I would want to do it ďmy wayĒ even though we hadnít discussed what ďmy wayĒ entailed.

So weíve had a big fight about him doing it behind my back, but at the end of the day I respect him for doing it his way. OW also basically gave him a big F.O. as she doesnít understand why he needs to block her.

There was a lot more to whatís happened today, H and I arenít speaking. I think he probably feels that heís done it so wtf is the problem whereas I got upset because it wasnít how we agreed.

In short, train wreck !


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-Apr 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2904551
09/26/20 10:27 PM
09/26/20 10:27 PM
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may22 Offline
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Hi Pommy,

It is great that he did it. If I were you (knowing my advice may not be the best!!) I wouldn't worry so much how he did it. I have spent a lot of time there, focusing on what all the books say, it needing to be done the right way, blah blah blah. Lots of angst about letting H do it "his way" and not the right way. in the end I think there was definitely truth to H's feeling that I was trying to control the situation by dictating how it should be done. And, it is just one small step on a long journey and he'll have to keep to it-- all outside of your control.

So, maybe just let it go. Let him take ownership. Even if it wasn't the way you would have wanted it to happen-- at this point, it is done, so maybe just stop worrying about it and focus on the present. It will take some time before you feel safe again, is my guess.

((POMMY))


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2904552
09/26/20 10:34 PM
09/26/20 10:34 PM
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Do you have any actual proof of him doing it?

Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Ginger1] #2904687
09/28/20 09:39 PM
09/28/20 09:39 PM
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Do you have any actual proof of him doing it?

I have proof of the phone call and we have , together, blocked her on his phone and SM.

What has happened in the last 3 days however, I started to type it yesterday and deleted it. As I typed it I felt like what has happened tells me all I need to know. I felt you guys would tell me the same. Maybe I am in denial and too scared to admit it. Right now, things arenít good.

H and agreed we would deal with the NC on Sunday (yesterday). We hadnít discussed what to say and how, but we would do it together.
On Saturday H had a day out which started with a 2 hr drive. After about 4 hrs I checked his iPad to see if he was where he said he was going - he was. But I also checked FaceTime and there was a call a couple of hours previously from OW. It was only 22 secs. I sent him a text to ask if he had met up with her or had spoken to her. He denied it. Several times. He called me and still denied having spoken to her. I sent him the screenshot. He admitted she had called him and he had told her he no longer wanted to be in contact . I didnít believe him. I said how did she know it was ok to call him on this particular Saturday when every other Saturday he would be with me. And why did he lie? After the call I sent him a text telling him I would like him to move out because I no longer wanted to be married to a liar. He replied that he was trying to do the right thing by breaking contact. He said he wanted to talk when he got back and I said no point, sheís welcome to you. I could see he then left the event that he was at and started to drive home (I know he was with a male friend as he sent me some photos). He called me and admitted that he had made the first call to OW and broke contact, that he didnít just want to do it on text given her illness but he didnít think I would agree to him calling her so he did it without telling me. His plan was that we would then still do the message the following day where he told her he was ending their friendship. But his plan was also that he wouldnít tell me he had called her. He had also told her that he would be following up his call the next day with a text because he wanted me to see that he was genu8nely breaking contact. Apparently she told him not to send a text and got really angry with him. So Saturday night I was fuming, I had no reason to believe anything that he said, that maybe he wouldnít be sending the text because he hadnít actually broken contact. I had no closure, it was all about protecting her feelings because she started chemo today.

On Sunday morning he said he had jumped in the car to come home because me telling him it was over really frightened him. He got home and I was out for 4 hrs and he felt really afraid and lost. I took all of this with a pinch of salt. He said he would show me his commitment by blocking her. I felt he had made me look stupid as she would know I didnít know he had called but that he was going to send her a text the next day to appease me. We tried to have a nice day, even though I was so angry about him shutting me out of s9mething we had agreed to do together. His argument was that I would never have agreed to him calling her.

Today has been awful, I donít believe a word he tells me anymore, yet he is adamant he did break contact on Saturday . He asked me this morning if I wanted him to send the text. I said I would think on it. This afternoon I said I do need that closure, so yes, send the text. It was then apparent that he didnít want to do it, didnít want to rub her nose in it, because she started her chemotherapy today. He offered me full access to his phone and computer, spot check, anytime, anyplac, but that he would send the text if I really wanted him to. I said if it was going to cause more tension and resentment between us then no, not to send it. So we then spend while deleting her and blocking her.

There is very little love between us right now. He doesnít like the angry, sarcastic b1tch that I was on Saturday night and I donít like the liar that seems to always make me have to suck up my feelings, whereas OW is protected. I know her circumstances are bad - Iím trying to be sympathetic to that. So we ended up having a talk about where we go from here and I have to say he sounds completely ambivalent, and so did I (even though I was probably pretending I wasnít sure, just because I donít want to be treated like a doormat).

I have to say, we seem to have gone backwards a long long way.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-Apr 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2904690
09/28/20 10:03 PM
09/28/20 10:03 PM
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Los Angeles, CA
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Valeska19 Offline
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((Pommy))
What a painful experience this all sounds like Usually I'm one to jump to advise giving but not today. I just want to say you are 100% valid in all of your feelings right now. We cannot be perfect human beings when the heart has gone through so much pain. Not sure if it's him or you calling you a b!tch but whomever - give yourself grace. Getting back your M is not to do be done at the sacrifice of self worth or self respect. It is okay that you don't want to be lied to.

Be kind to yourself. Multiple your self care by 1000.

You are perfectly imperfect Pommy. And we are here for you. Sending love your way.


M(f): 38
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2904699
09/28/20 11:25 PM
09/28/20 11:25 PM
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may22 Offline
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(((Pommy)))

Seconding Valeska--- be kind to yourself, this is awful and you deserve to be angry and sad and all the rest. There is nothing wrong with taking a time out on him and working on your M and just focusing on YOU. My IC said it was like a laptop going into power saver mode-- just focus on what you need, to get through the next minute, hour, day. Conserve the juice you have for your most important parts-- you and your kids-- you don't need anything for extremities and right now, he's a power-sucking peripheral.

And sister... I really know how you feel and sending all the empathy I can your way. You are strong and smart and will get through this, though, one way or another. You've already been through so much and every time you grow in strength and resilience. So, just know that. Even in this time that feels so devastating all over again, you sound so much stronger and powerful than you did say in January or so.

This does feel like there are a lot of parallels, still, with my H. I think they get stuck in this lying circle where it seems easier to lie and they don't have as much stopping them from lying, because they've been doing it all along, so like this last little lie isn't going to hurt anyone if it helps me get to where I need to get without damaging either my W or OW too much. It feels a lot like my H's made-up "email" that he sent her rather than being honest about the fact that they were back in communication.

And the lying-- I totally agree it is simply not to be tolerated. Does he realize that every time he pulls this $hit it just pushes you farther and farther away from wanting to trust him again? That his weakness and inability to prioritize you in all of this over OW could eventually make reconciliation/piecing with you impossible? His choices have consequences and if he's choosing to stay, it just seems so illogical of him (my H too) to make thing more difficult for you. I guess it is just pure selfishness and inability, right now, to see beyond their own needs/emotions.

I'll say this about the OW communication, though, also having gone through this a couple of times before now-- I am realizing that for me, there was a not insignificant part of my wanting H to tell her it's OVER FOREVER that was kind of petty. I was telling myself it was so that she got the picture and stayed out of it. There is definitely a part of it, for me, that wanted her to back the F off and realize she was an idiot for pursuing a married man, it was never going to go anywhere, he was never going to leave his W, etc etc.

but in all honesty... it does nothing for me to have her "know" that. It shouldn't matter to me at all. She could go through the rest of her life imagining she had a special connection with my H and it warms the cockles of her heart at night... so what. That means nothing. The only thing that means anything is how my H feels and how I feel. Not that either of us are feeling much positive right now, either. But I'm starting to let go of caring about her, at all. I'm not saying this was a motivator for you at all, but it was for me (even though it has taken me some time to admit it).

Finally, don't worry about being a b!tch. He deserves it. Maybe not how you want to act in the future but don't worry about it-- let it go. Hoping you can get some space and maybe some time with your kids and a nice G&T, good book, or something else just for you.

xx M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2904701
09/28/20 11:35 PM
09/28/20 11:35 PM
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PM99,

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. Unfortunately this is what happens when recons are forced or done for the wrong reasons. I think what really gets lost on the board is that when/if the affair ends the marriage will be saved. The affair was a symptom and an act of anger by your husband. Now you are forcing him to end the affair which will build more resentment. It's going to take a really long time to to tear down that wall.

I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. 18 months and still not end in sight would take its toll on anyone.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2905143
10/06/20 08:42 PM
10/06/20 08:42 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,226
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may22 Offline
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How's it going, Pommy? Thinking of you. xx M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2
Re: Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5) [Re: Pommy99] #2905172
10/07/20 11:08 AM
10/07/20 11:08 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 306
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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May, LH, Valeska, thanks for your support. I haven't posted for a week - I'm trying to just "be" without over-analyzing everything. We've had two MC sessions since I last posted. Both have been very good although we've really delved into H and his EA. MC likes to simply call it an A, which sometimes hits really hard, but it is true, it was an A.

Even up until today, H does not believe he had an A, he does not believe he had anything more than a friendship with another woman and that the reason he kept it from me and lied so much was because he knew it would make me angry. He still cant take any responsibility that it was inappropriate. MC spelled it out to him - the secrecy, coverups, lies are all behaviours of an A and not telling me was not to protect me, but to protect the fact he was having an A. This is the first time H has faced this head-on. MC asked what was said during the NC conversation. H explained that he told OW he had to go NC as it was upsetting me, that *I* saw their relationship as an A. Again, MC pointed out, he has shifted this onto me, thus avoiding any responsibility of admitting having had an A. I felt huge relief that this was all being said and exposed. H freely admits he had feelings for her, yet spends so much time justifying the relationship as simply a friendship. He does not seem to recognise not just how inappropriate his own behaviour was, but also EAP's behaviour - how deceitful she was to her own H.

He talked for the 100th time about the connection he had with OW and also the guilt he is carrying this week about breaking contact right after her diagnosis. MC queried if there was room in his head for a connection with me. If H was spending his time thinking about her, feeling guilty that he had hurt her. MC challenged if H needed to feel guilty, and that - as I had pointed out- she had her own H and family to support her, that the burden did not lie with H. MC asked if he was discussing his feelings with me and H said no, because he knew that it hurts me to talk about her and that I don't really want to hear about it. I agreed and said I felt I had heard enough about how much he cares, and his connection and how she was X,Y & Z, and I'm not X, Y and Z. MC has asked H to externalize his feelings - especially the guilt - write it down rather than carry it round in his head all the time. On the plus side, he has (again) acknowledged that she could be attention-seeking and he didn't like that side of her.

H said he felt like we were going over old ground and it wasn't helpful. MC asked if it was helpful - I said yes, as clearly there are things that I am unable to put to bed. MC sees us being at the beginning of the recon process as unfortunately, not having dealt with NC and the A has set us back again, and he warned us that it is going to be slow. We talked about disclosure, and the Qs that I feel I need answered in order to heal, in order to know whether my intuition was right or wrong, that once I could stop self-doubting myself I could begin the process of trusting him again.

I talked about how I felt that I didn't know if H was in or out right now, if H had one foot out of the door. H responded to say he had both feet in the doorway and was waiting to be welcomed in. I have no idea what this means. Right now I feel that this is his M to walk away from, his family to walk away from, his home to walk away from. I don't think he is in that place right now. We did talk about wedding rings - H told me weeks ago he wanted us to be able to put them back on together - that hasn't happened. He has since put his on (unannounced) and said last week he assumed I wasn't wearing mine because I couldn't be bothered. I explained that I needed to feel from him that he is committed to working on our marriage. Yesterday the subject came up again - I said he gave me the rings as a request to be his wife, then he fired me. I'm not asking to renew our vows or anything like that, but I would like just a sign from him that we are trying to live as H & W. He told me he loved me, that he doesn't like to think that he fired me. I guess all I want is for him to say "go and put your rings on", but I guess for whatever reason it is too much pressure right now - although I cant understand why he put his on if he doesn't want me to wear mine.

Aside from all that, H and I have done what we do best - get on, be affectionate, cuddle a lot, go cycling together - perfect companions, all without the deep level of emotional intimacy that we are both looking for.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-Apr 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
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