Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
Hey Guys
Been reading this forum for a while and finally plucked up the courage to post my own thread. Hope someone can help with advice.

Been together 17 years, married for 5 with 2 kids.

3 months ago my life was fine until I found a letter from someone to my wife confessing his love for her. Found out she has been having an affair with a coworker 15 years younger than her. She finally confessed after denying it at first. She seemed to want to repair things at the start, said she do anything to fix things. She quit her job and arrange marriage counselling.

Soon after we started the counselling it was clear her heart wasn't in it. She told me she had feelings for the other guy and was confused about what she wanted. Counselling started and seemed to be going well but I found some notes she had wrote to herself when cleaning her car about how she wanted out of the relationship. She said these were just random thoughts she had wrote down but the counselling soon ended and she said she needed space and went to her mums.

Previously I had booked a holiday for us 4 which we went on and had a great time but the day we got back she said she wanted to separate. I was shocked but not all together surprised. We've had, what I thought a good relationship, arguments and disagreements along the way but nothing major. She's now saying all kinds of things that we've always had problems and she's never been happy which anyone know knows us just can't make sense of, me included.

Since we've been separated which has only been 3 weeks we've seen loads of each other, mainly cause of the kids but things have been great between us, no arguing or bickering. She comes over and cooks and we watch TV and play with the kids. She acts like everything is normal which I can't get my head around cause sue has said the relationship is over. I mentioned divorce and she didn't want to talk about it. She hasn't told the kids much either.

I'm contemplating getting some individual therapy but not sure if this will be any help. I've been on medication for the last 2 months to ease my anxiety, still working every day whilst she sits at her Mum's with no job.

I guess she thinks she's doing the right thing by still being nice and coming over to cook etc but I just can't make any sense out of it. Surely if our marriage has been that bad she'd want to stay away.

Hoping someone can help me with what I need to do.

Many thanks

Steven

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by RedDevil
Hey Guys
Been reading this forum for a while and finally plucked up the courage to post my own thread. Hope someone can help with advice.

Been together 17 years, married for 5 with 2 kids.

3 months ago my life was fine until I found a letter from someone to my wife confessing his love for her. Found out she has been having an affair with a coworker 15 years younger than her. She finally confessed after denying it at first. She seemed to want to repair things at the start, said she do anything to fix things. She quit her job and arrange marriage counselling.

Soon after we started the counselling it was clear her heart wasn't in it. She told me she had feelings for the other guy and was confused about what she wanted. Counselling started and seemed to be going well but I found some notes she had wrote to herself when cleaning her car about how she wanted out of the relationship. She said these were just random thoughts she had wrote down but the counselling soon ended and she said she needed space and went to her mums.

Previously I had booked a holiday for us 4 which we went on and had a great time but the day we got back she said she wanted to separate. I was shocked but not all together surprised. We've had, what I thought a good relationship, arguments and disagreements along the way but nothing major. She's now saying all kinds of things that we've always had problems and she's never been happy which anyone know knows us just can't make sense of, me included.

Since we've been separated which has only been 3 weeks we've seen loads of each other, mainly cause of the kids but things have been great between us, no arguing or bickering. She comes over and cooks and we watch TV and play with the kids. She acts like everything is normal which I can't get my head around cause sue has said the relationship is over. I mentioned divorce and she didn't want to talk about it. She hasn't told the kids much either.

I'm contemplating getting some individual therapy but not sure if this will be any help. I've been on medication for the last 2 months to ease my anxiety, still working every day whilst she sits at her Mum's with no job.

I guess she thinks she's doing the right thing by still being nice and coming over to cook etc but I just can't make any sense out of it. Surely if our marriage has been that bad she'd want to stay away.

Hoping someone can help me with what I need to do.

Many thanks

Steven


Your wife is a wayward wife. Wanted her freedom to do what she wants when whom she wants it, but then continue to play house with you and the kids. Likely the affair is still going on.

One of the most profound things I heard in my sitch was that women do not need their own place to be figure things out, find themselves or work on the marriage. They need their own place to sleep with other people.

I'd put an end to the coming over and cooking. That's called came eating. You don't say much about your actions. Are you out GAL? You need to be working on yourself and I think I is a great idea. And you need to work on detachment.

Let her go, focus on yourself and the kids, become the best version of yourself and start planning on what comes next. She'll either come around or she won't, but that's out of your hands.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
Hi Steve. Thanks for the reply.

I really don't think the affair is still ongoing, she's with her Mum and he still lives with his parents. I could be wrong but pretty sure.

I'm trying to get on with my life but it is difficult at the moment, still early days. I'm trying to buy a house for myself and the kids and getting out more with work. As I mentioned, I moved to a tiny little island so she could be closer to her family so I don't really have a good network at the moment it is hard.

I really want to put an end to the seeing each other and think I'm going to do it. She still uses our joint account for groceries cause she hasn't got a job now and has no money

There hasn't been any arguing throughout this whole thing, just sadness on both sides. She blamed the affair on her unhappiness and now only things of our 17 years as negative which just isn't true. I've read this is a typical response.

So sad.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by RedDevil
Hi Steve. Thanks for the reply.

I really don't think the affair is still ongoing, she's with her Mum and he still lives with his parents. I could be wrong but pretty sure.

I'm trying to get on with my life but it is difficult at the moment, still early days. I'm trying to buy a house for myself and the kids and getting out more with work. As I mentioned, I moved to a tiny little island so she could be closer to her family so I don't really have a good network at the moment it is hard.

I really want to put an end to the seeing each other and think I'm going to do it. She still uses our joint account for groceries cause she hasn't got a job now and has no money

There hasn't been any arguing throughout this whole thing, just sadness on both sides. She blamed the affair on her unhappiness and now only things of our 17 years as negative which just isn't true. I've read this is a typical response.

So sad.


Yes, history rewriting is the MO of a WAS/WS. Most of all of us has seen it to various levels, but usually it is something along the lines of "I've never been happy our entire marriage", or some similar variation. Anytime someone talks in an absolute you know it isn't true. "You never blah blah blah." "You always blah blah blah." That is why MCs advise neve using statements that start with you always or you never. But here is the thing RD, you cannot fight this. Her reality, though not based in truth, is her reality. To her right now she was never happy. Trying to convince her she was is a fool's game.

As far as "I really don't think the affair is still ongoing", if we had a quarter for every time we've heard a LBS make a similar statement, only to find out later they were wrong, we'd all be wealthy! I have an old friend who cheated on her husband. When my W went WW I consulted her. One of the things that she told me that was very eye-opening was that when someone wants to cheat, do not underestimate the lengths they will go to make that happen. I am sure your adult W doesn't have to answer to her Mum about her comings and goings. And I am sure OM likely doesn't have to do that with his parents either. So while she doesn't have her complete freedom, she has more freedom to meet with OM living with her Mum than she does living with her husband. Further, Think about what my friend said......location of the meeting can be one of a million places. Two people bent on an affair will find a way to get a hotel room, or in a car, etc.......where there is a will there is a way.

I do not reiterate all of this to hurt you. I know that you desperately want to believe that the affair is over. I am just telling you that the likelihood that it is over is low. As have an addictive quality to them. If your W really ended the A she would likely have gone through a period of extreme grief and depression. I knew my W's EAs were over because she became so depressed she could barely get herself out of bed in the morning. She had no zest for life. She slept upwards of 18 hours a day. I also knew when the EA was not really over based on the fact that she didn't go through this withdrawal period. Did you witness your W go through such a period? If not I would highly question that it really ended. But again, this is not to hurt you but to brace you for the truth.....it will eventually come out that the A is still ongoing, and LBSs have a difficult time maintaining good DB form when that kind of thing eventually becomes known.

I would put an end to her cake eating. Next time she wants to come over to cook just simply say: "I do not think that is a good idea. We need to work out a schedule for when we each have the children." She will get angry, just listen and validate. If she doesn't bring it up again, come up with something to send over to her: Something like she will have the kids Mon and Tuesday and every other weekend. You will have them Wed-Fri and every other weekend. If this doesn't work with her current living arrangements then ask her when she'd like to come pick the kids up for visitation. But you need to have time for your own GAL activities. Her flitting off to live the life of a single woman isn't fair, she has a responsibility to her kids as well.

If she refuses this, DOCUMENT IT. It could come in very handy in a custody case.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
Hi Steve

Understood and thanks. If the affair is still ongoing it is something I can't control anyway and I wouldn't want her back, I would push for divorce if true. Maybe I'm a mug but she's a good person who's done a terrible thing. She did seem to be going through some kind of withdrawal, sleeping loads, couldn't get up in the morning but who knows. Like I said if it is still ongoing that makes her a terrible person and I don't want her. I don't think it would have been possible though cause she left her job in the school holidays and had the kids to look after. Maybe she started it up again when she left.

We're settling into a routine with the kids now and I won't invite her around for dinner again. The Divorce Remedy book should be at home when I get home tonight so I'll look forward to reading that. Start getting out more and doing my own thing. I'm not contacting her first anymore and haven't done since last night but just got a text from her asking how I am. She's said she still loves me but thinks we're different people now, whatever that means.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hey Red Devil, are you still here? Hope you've read the page Cadet posted, b/c it has tons of important information.

Quote
3 months ago my life was fine until I found a letter from someone to my wife confessing his love for her. Found out she has been having an affair with a coworker 15 years younger than her.

***********************************
She did seem to be going through some kind of withdrawal, sleeping loads, couldn't get up in the morning but who knows.


So, you thought everything was fine until you discovered the love letter. How was your sex life? Had that slacked off? If not, was she passionately kissing you on the mouth, while making love?

When did you notice the second part where you say she seemed to be going through something? Did you express concern for her when you first noticed something was different in your W........or is this more of an after thought you've had? How long had she been showing signs something was off, before you discovered the letter from OM? Was her extreme fatigue mentioned in the MC sessions?

Okay, I'll stop with the questions for now. Hope to hear from you soon.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard