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L,

You are doing excellent and exactly what you should be doing. You will run into trouble if you try to gage it by your Ws reactions. She is unhappy right now and she believes you are the reason. The goal is to remove yourself from the equation. If your gone and she is still unhappy then hopefully she starts to look inward.

You're doing great! There are no quick fixes.

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Originally Posted by LH19
L,

You are doing excellent and exactly what you should be doing. You will run into trouble if you try to gage it by your Ws reactions. She is unhappy right now and she believes you are the reason. The goal is to remove yourself from the equation. If your gone and she is still unhappy then hopefully she starts to look inward.

You're doing great! There are no quick fixes.


Thank you for dropping in LH, appreciate the support.

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Journal

Not much to note this weekend, sitting with everything that I am slowly learning.

I did notice a little more emotion come to the forefront on Saturday afternoon, almost a realisation of the current situation and reality of D. I'm actively allowing myself to feel the different emotions to gain closure rather than side stepping it. Saturday was a good day to invest time to myself as the W was visiting extended family with the kids.

Sunday we were busy with another family event, we went as a family during which W periodically mentioned selling the house in various statements throughout the afternoon to me. I listened, validated and agreed on various of the topics such as renovating a room ready to get the house 'sale ready'. W also stated she would be renting when the house sells, and I agreed this was the best action so as not to slow down the house sale in a chain.

I feel a lot more detached from these comments now, and more detached from my W. I felt calm, it all made sense, and I am getting somewhat excited about looking for a new property.

That being said, I'm not 100% there yet, whilst I am Detaching from my W, there are what I perceived to be joint goals and dreams which I haven't fully detached and unpicked. I recognise this, as I am journaling the point here! I can feel sadness -- the house was a forever home, we fought hard and sacrificed to get this home, dreams and goals were tied up in the home. All of these things are no longer, I do get that and I will be at peace with that. I will grieve/feel that this week and gain closure that loss. I think my best way to deal with that is rewrite these future goals, to chanel this energy to something beneficial.

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Originally Posted by LH19
She is unhappy right now and she believes you are the reason. The goal is to remove yourself from the equation. If your gone and she is still unhappy then hopefully she starts to look inward.

Great quote! This makes a lot of sense.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by Lplates
Journal

Not much to note this weekend, sitting with everything that I am slowly learning.

I did notice a little more emotion come to the forefront on Saturday afternoon, almost a realisation of the current situation and reality of D. I'm actively allowing myself to feel the different emotions to gain closure rather than side stepping it. Saturday was a good day to invest time to myself as the W was visiting extended family with the kids.

Sunday we were busy with another family event, we went as a family during which W periodically mentioned selling the house in various statements throughout the afternoon to me. I listened, validated and agreed on various of the topics such as renovating a room ready to get the house 'sale ready'. W also stated she would be renting when the house sells, and I agreed this was the best action so as not to slow down the house sale in a chain.

I feel a lot more detached from these comments now, and more detached from my W. I felt calm, it all made sense, and I am getting somewhat excited about looking for a new property.

That being said, I'm not 100% there yet, whilst I am Detaching from my W, there are what I perceived to be joint goals and dreams which I haven't fully detached and unpicked. I recognise this, as I am journaling the point here! I can feel sadness -- the house was a forever home, we fought hard and sacrificed to get this home, dreams and goals were tied up in the home. All of these things are no longer, I do get that and I will be at peace with that. I will grieve/feel that this week and gain closure that loss. I think my best way to deal with that is rewrite these future goals, to chanel this energy to something beneficial.




Just keep on doing what you are doing. Sometimes LBSs will initiate a game of chicken once you start to detach well. They want to see if you will blink first. I don't want to give you false hope, but I still see a lot of talk from your wife (game of chicken) and not much action. Remember, trust actions, not words.

Keep up the good work.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by LH19
She is unhappy right now and she believes you are the reason. The goal is to remove yourself from the equation. If your gone and she is still unhappy then hopefully she starts to look inward.

Great quote! This makes a lot of sense.


It really is, not much more needs to be said!

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Lplates
Journal

Not much to note this weekend, sitting with everything that I am slowly learning.

I did notice a little more emotion come to the forefront on Saturday afternoon, almost a realisation of the current situation and reality of D. I'm actively allowing myself to feel the different emotions to gain closure rather than side stepping it. Saturday was a good day to invest time to myself as the W was visiting extended family with the kids.

Sunday we were busy with another family event, we went as a family during which W periodically mentioned selling the house in various statements throughout the afternoon to me. I listened, validated and agreed on various of the topics such as renovating a room ready to get the house 'sale ready'. W also stated she would be renting when the house sells, and I agreed this was the best action so as not to slow down the house sale in a chain.

I feel a lot more detached from these comments now, and more detached from my W. I felt calm, it all made sense, and I am getting somewhat excited about looking for a new property.

That being said, I'm not 100% there yet, whilst I am Detaching from my W, there are what I perceived to be joint goals and dreams which I haven't fully detached and unpicked. I recognise this, as I am journaling the point here! I can feel sadness -- the house was a forever home, we fought hard and sacrificed to get this home, dreams and goals were tied up in the home. All of these things are no longer, I do get that and I will be at peace with that. I will grieve/feel that this week and gain closure that loss. I think my best way to deal with that is rewrite these future goals, to chanel this energy to something beneficial.




Just keep on doing what you are doing. Sometimes LBSs will initiate a game of chicken once you start to detach well. They want to see if you will blink first. I don't want to give you false hope, but I still see a lot of talk from your wife (game of chicken) and not much action. Remember, trust actions, not words.

Keep up the good work.


Thanks Steve85,

I'm definitely not taking any false hope, all W's actions are signifying for D so I'm getting on board with the programme here.

I'm 3/4's through Love Languages, which has messed with my head a little as naturally I just want to DO something to resolve this problem. Like everyone has said. No quick fix here. And actually i am doing something, I'm dbing for myself.

One thought has started to creep in my head over the past week. Do I love my W Or do I love M, family, unity and the trappings of family life?

Im worried with what I am thinking, it seems to be the latter. I love the idea of family life and I can't honestly say I love who my W has become, I can't get on board with this new person.

If she is this new person, cold/no integrity/no affection then she is not fulfilling my needs in a M. I don't want to be with someone who can't compliment me.

Is this line of thinking usual?!

Last edited by Lplates; 09/28/20 04:02 PM.
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Originally Posted by Lplates


One thought has started to creep in my head over the past week. Do I love my W Or do I love M, family, unity and the trappings of family life?



Well it is sort of enmeshed. It is very hard to keep loving your W while you are going through this gut wrenching experience. It is best to put this love on a shelf for the time being.

Originally Posted by Lplates

If she is this new person, cold/no integrity/no affection then she is not fulfilling my needs in a M. I don't want to be with someone who can't compliment me.

Is this line of thinking usual?!


Yes, quite common, very often followed with some very expresive words such as WTF?!?!? or FFS!?!?

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Originally Posted by Lplates

One thought has started to creep in my head over the past week. Do I love my W Or do I love M, family, unity and the trappings of family life?

Im worried with what I am thinking, it seems to be the latter. I love the idea of family life and I can't honestly say I love who my W has become, I can't get on board with this new person.

If she is this new person, cold/no integrity/no affection then she is not fulfilling my needs in a M. I don't want to be with someone who can't compliment me.

Is this line of thinking usual?!


Yes, went through that myself as well. I came to a crossroads in my own heart and mind about whether I loved my W, or whether I loved the idea of her, loved what we had, and loved the romantic idea of a lifelong commitment and having the family intact for my D. I think most LBSs react to the idea that what they know is disappearing. That what their norm and what they've grown comfortable in has suddenly been ripped away.

It is really no different than when someone loses a job. Often times they had grown stale in the job. Were no long happy with the job, were considering leaving the job. But when you get called in and let go you suddenly think it was the best job ever and they are devastated and feel like their world just collapsed. LBSs are the same way. Most of them were unhappy themselves leading up to BD, but once BD occurs they suddenly think their WAS is the greatest spouse ever and that losing them will be the end of the world.

This is very common. We deal with it almost with every LBS that comes here. And while I have no doubt that they love their WAS to some level, if they had the undying, infinite love for their WAS that they come here claiming, likely they wouldn't be in their sitch. (This is just a general statement, I know some WAS are going to walkaway and/or cheat no matter how incredible their LBS was, but I think that is by far the exception than the rule.)


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by Vapo
Originally Posted by Lplates


One thought has started to creep in my head over the past week. Do I love my W Or do I love M, family, unity and the trappings of family life?



Well it is sort of enmeshed. It is very hard to keep loving your W while you are going through this gut wrenching experience. It is best to put this love on a shelf for the time being.

Originally Posted by Lplates

If she is this new person, cold/no integrity/no affection then she is not fulfilling my needs in a M. I don't want to be with someone who can't compliment me.

Is this line of thinking usual?!


Yes, quite common, very often followed with some very expresive words such as WTF?!?!? or FFS!?!?



I can vouch for that - Whilst I was driving last week, I looked in the rear view and said those exact words. 'WTAF has just happened here!'

Cheers Vapo- always helps to have a sense check.

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