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Marriage is in disarray.

ILYBNILWY was in May 2020 with 'S' being peppered about in conversations around July and BD 10th August 2020, W wants to sell the house and live alone.

Initially thought W was a WAW however end of May 2020 I discovered EA poss PA and sexting on W phone and laptop. Based on the above I think she is WW.

A little background :

18years together, and married 10yrs. Own a property and have two young kids. An amazing achievement and so proud of family.

During 2019 we endured a tough house move, which lasted most of the year and consisted of houses falling through and lots of pressure financially and emotionally.

W is the main breadwinner now, 6 years ago decision made together that I would go PT in my job and support wife in career progression. She is flourishing and I have been incredibly proud of. (Red flag on wifes future respect of me?! )

Very end of February 2020 W was diagnosed with health issue which would involve drastic/life changing surgery to reduce risk of terminal illness in the future (no more children and double mascectomy) During this time (I own this) I withdrew unsure of how to fully show my support to my W emotionally, instead doing projects around our forever home and overtime at work to make the house our home.

Beginning of March W pregnant, I was happy but she did not want to carry through pregnancy. She was very clear she did not want to pass genetic issue to any more children (50 percent chance). I dutifully wanted to support W view. All during lockdown and pandemic. I Supported as best as I knew how (own this) but withdrew because I didn't really process my emotions fully, thinking I needed to shut it away and support my wife. I believe OM stepped up contact during this time and told her what she wanted to hear.

(I am in the process of reading No more Mr Nice guy)

Mid March was when WW began sexting pictures to OM but I believe they may have been engaging prior to this since December 19.


Mid May 2020 W told me she didn't love me and felt nothing.

We started MC (on my request) but this was a waste if time as OM was in the nackground and we ended as it was becoming expensive and I was doing all the heavy lifting. Wife stated she had finished A, but my gut told me differently.
Secretive on phone and laptop, long toilet visits etc etc.

I'm afraid I bent over backwards trying to turn everything around. Date nights, outings, meals, candle lit dinners in the garden during lockdown. Pursuing and pressuring. Appreciative self esteem boosting notes, you name it, I did it thinking I would be a hero.

Bad move.

W disappeared further away and I found more messages which were being hidden deeper in emails and messages with OM. WW I felt was having her cake and eating it.

I confronted her and she threw it back in my face proclaiming her privacy was violated and she felt trapped.

WW threatened to leave and packed her bags twice now. Once when I found out about the EA and she threatened to leave if I called the OM or OMW. She is more concerned about the OM and his feelings. She has nowhere to go so the bags swiftly unpacked and she remains in the house.

OM is a work colleague, someone who she is in contact with daily and seemingly will not, has not cut social contact. Difficult situation as by cutting all contact she is unable to do her job, and she is unwilling to change jobs (I have not asked or demanded this of her because her identity is wrapped up in this job)

I did tell her she should cut all contact outside of work hours I e social contact, professional only, however she has broken this many times.

Fast forward to more current times.

I realise that I have not been the man I know I am when I look in the mirror . I have bent over backwards and allowed W to trample all over me. I allowed this thinking it was the right thing to do because of all the health and stress she has encountered, but I have been there too, having to keep the family together and be a rock for the kids.

W has not only withdrawn from me but also is home late daily and not really present with the children.

She proclaimed she wished for seperation and divorce after I found out she was lying about a work function where she would be away in a hotel where OM would be for a week. The deceit is really unbearable. At this point, after being confronted W stated she wanted S and D. She cannot go on with marriage as she is unhappy.

I don't go through W's phone or laptop at all now, it is not who I am and I am detaching. I am in the process of reading DR and have bought DB.

W has become a super ego, selfish, wicked and deceitful. All really unattractive qualities.

She has been checking other men out when we go out to a restaurant. Amongst other things she has been spending like there is no tommorrow! New sports car, clothes, spa products. I'm all for it, and think it's great to improve self esteem, but it's very out the ordinary for her to switch on suddenly.

I am afraid I have rushed things yesterday which I need help with!

I was fed up with the whole situation, I felt I really needed to man up and retrieve my balls from my W. I requested she leave the mbr as she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, it is strange she is still in the mbr.

She agreed and slept in spare room last night. W wrote a note saying that she thought I had been angry and she still does care even though we are divorcing and questioned if it is the divorce that I am finding hard to deal with everyday.

I text her this morning acknowledging the note and it would be good to set some easy boundaries going forward.Nothing more said.

She text back saying she was in shock as she had a nice weekend and it was out of the blue for her to move out the bedroom. She is trying and it felt like I was pushing the divorce now. She was going slow and still getting her head round it. She then said ' Please don’t push so hard if you’re just trying to make a point about it. But I understand if going slow is hard and you need something more concrete - like boundaries.'

I do feel like she is just testing the water and keeping me on the hook. I am detaching so am taking with a pinch of salt.

She has asked for a talk today however I have postponed until tommorrow night so I can get my head around validation and how to deal with her possible pushing to get back in the mbr.

I need some advice on what I should really be thinking now.

When would it be acceptable for her to come back in the mbr!? She really needs to show actions, remorse and effort in rebuilding a new relationship....

Have I messed this up and jumped the gun on this one?

I really don't want her to go back in the MBR, it is a consequence of her actions and I do not share a bed with someone who doesn't want to be with me, simply enough.

What do I need to be doing next?
I'm at a bit of a loss as I want to sit on this and slow things down.

How do I respond if she asks to go back in the mbr tommorrow?

I do want to keep the family unit together, we could have such an amazing future but in the same breath know that divorce is not the end.

Your help would be appreciated!

I am beginning to properly GAL and am following Sandi's 37 rules whilst reading through Dr.

Lplates


H: 35 W: 36
D:3 S:6
BD: 10 Aug 20
EA: March 2020 - poss ongoing.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted by Lplates
She text back saying she was in shock as she had a nice weekend and it was out of the blue for her to move out the bedroom. She is trying and it felt like I was pushing the divorce now. She was going slow and still getting her head round it. She then said ' Please don’t push so hard if you’re just trying to make a point about it. But I understand if going slow is hard and you need something more concrete - like boundaries.'

She's manipulating you
Originally Posted by Lplates
I do feel like she is just testing the water and keeping me on the hook. I am detaching so am taking with a pinch of salt.

Too early to tell
Originally Posted by Lplates
She has asked for a talk today however I have postponed until tommorrow night so I can get my head around validation and how to deal with her possible pushing to get back in the mbr.

Good idea
Originally Posted by Lplates
I need some advice on what I should really be thinking now.

What are your values and core beliefs?
Originally Posted by Lplates
When would it be acceptable for her to come back in the mbr!? She really needs to show actions, remorse and effort in rebuilding a new relationship....

When the affair is over
Originally Posted by Lplates
Have I messed this up and jumped the gun on this one?

Nah. You should also try to get her out of the house
Originally Posted by Lplates
I really don't want her to go back in the MBR, it is a consequence of her actions and I do not share a bed with someone who doesn't want to be with me, simply enough.

Correct1
Originally Posted by Lplates
What do I need to be doing next?
I'm at a bit of a loss as I want to sit on this and slow things down.

GAL, Detach, workout, run, eat well, sleep well, visit friends and family
Originally Posted by Lplates
How do I respond if she asks to go back in the mbr tommorrow?

That's not a good idea right now

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Thank you LH19... appreciate your swift response!

I'm about to workout but W stopped me at the door trying to engage me into a conversation, stating something has switched in me and I'm a different person since yesterday. I responded by saying that she needs to honour our agreement of talking tommorrow. I left it at that.

How do I know when the affair is over or if it already is!?

W states it is but I'm not bothering to dig around anymore, it's not worth my effort. She just goes deeper undercover it seems.

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You will know. You will see a shift in her attitude. Her behavior will change.

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Originally Posted by Lplates
I need some advice on what I should really be thinking now.

When would it be acceptable for her to come back in the mbr!? She really needs to show actions, remorse and effort in rebuilding a new relationship....


First, when ever you start asking about "when"? "When will I know she is commited back to the marriag?" "When will I know the A is over?" "When will I know.....blah?" The answer is simple: When her behavior is consistent for a long period of time.

Now, I am a little different than others on the board related to kicking a spouse out of the marital bedroom. For me, if itis a PA, then no question you kick them out of the MBR. You do not ask. You MOVE THEM OUT. (Remember, this is about commanding respect!)

When it is an EA, it becomes a little less clear in my mind. In certain cases, kicking them out of the MBR is appropriate. IN your case, I would say that you should kick her out of the MBR. You say it is an EA, but I think there is a high likelihood that she is in a full blown PA. Brace yourself for that revelation. Most guys that have physical access to a woman the way OM does with your W, will stick around for a long-term EA only. Lots of red flags here that this is a PA not just an EA.

IN my sitch, my W's EA partner was several states away. I never found it appropriate to kick her out of the MBR, and in hindsight I think that was the right choice. I could still command respect without her moving out of the MBR.

Originally Posted by Lplates

Have I messed this up and jumped the gun on this one?


Maybe, but there is no way for anyone to know. TIme will tell. The key is to forget the mistakes you've already made and start DBing as well as you can from this point forward.

Originally Posted by Lplates

I really don't want her to go back in the MBR, it is a consequence of her actions and I do not share a bed with someone who doesn't want to be with me, simply enough.


This answer your first question. While you fell this way then now is not the right time to allow her back.

Originally Posted by Lplates

What do I need to be doing next?
I'm at a bit of a loss as I want to sit on this and slow things down.


Take your focus off of the marriage and your spouse. Be the best father you can be. GAL and stay busy busy busy! 180 on all of your bad behaviors (start with stopping the non-DB behaviors). End MC, stat. Just say to her: "I've decided to stop MC as I do not think it is appropriate for where we are. Instead I am going to start IC as I have a lot to consider and process." Then follow through and get into IC. Become the best Lplates you can be! And continue to work on detachment.

I'd also suggest going back to work full time. Do whatever you can do improve your career. Think about what you want to do and what you want to be and go after it. Have goals, and work towards those goals!

Originally Posted by Lplates

How do I respond if she asks to go back in the mbr tommorrow?


"No."

Then listen and validate.

I see a few similarities to my sitch 2 1/2 years ago. You may want to find my threads and start reading them (I think the latest on the first page of the forum.)

Read the distance-pursuit dynamic. You are already seeing this in action. When you start to DB well, detach, and move on towards your new life, your WAW will panic. The lose of control will make her feel that her "decision" to D is becoming too final for her. She will begin to start doing things and saying things that are counter to the "I want a D" pronouncement. I saw this in my sitch. When I got good at detachment, when I started moving on, my W would panic and question just how much she wanted what she said she wanted. I think you are starting to see that dynamic at play in your sitch.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Some really good observations Steve85, thank you.

Have begun to GAL and have been actively pursuing full time hours at my employment - on the right path and feeling a greater level of self esteem.

Agree also on the PA red flags. I'll update after 'talk' tommorrow.

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Update:

W wanted a "talk' this evening. It was a calm discussion in which she told me that is was a shock when I asked her to move out the MBR, but she understands that it happens. She wasn't quite sure why I asked and questioned what prompted it. I validated and the discussion moved on quickly without answering why. W stated that she has been speaking to colleagues who have been through D and listened to their advice recently. W is firm on D.

W went on to say that I seem to be a roller-coaster currently with my emotions, one day we have a deep emotional conversation and then recently she states I have been emotionless. I validated. She asked me if I was emotionally exhausted, I threw in a disagreeing validation. The discussion was shorter than we have ever really had on these matters and we went our seperate ways.

5 mins later W has just come to me and said she was going to bed, I mentioned I was going out possibly meeting friends. W left and then returned 2 minutes later saying I was acting weird. I validated.

Time to GAL.....

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Originally Posted by Lplates

5 mins later W has just come to me and said she was going to bed, I mentioned I was going out possibly meeting friends. W left and then returned 2 minutes later saying I was acting weird. I validated.

Time to GAL.....


My own opinion is you did not need to tell her you were going out.

Speak with Actions not Words.


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Originally Posted by Lplates
Update:

W wanted a "talk' this evening. It was a calm discussion in which she told me that is was a shock when I asked her to move out the MBR, but she understands that it happens. She wasn't quite sure why I asked and questioned what prompted it. I validated and the discussion moved on quickly without answering why. W stated that she has been speaking to colleagues who have been through D and listened to their advice recently. W is firm on D.

W went on to say that I seem to be a roller-coaster currently with my emotions, one day we have a deep emotional conversation and then recently she states I have been emotionless. I validated. She asked me if I was emotionally exhausted, I threw in a disagreeing validation. The discussion was shorter than we have ever really had on these matters and we went our seperate ways.

5 mins later W has just come to me and said she was going to bed, I mentioned I was going out possibly meeting friends. W left and then returned 2 minutes later saying I was acting weird. I validated.

Time to GAL.....



When you start to detach they will either say you're acting weird, constantly ask what's wrong, or accuse you of cheating. Just keep listening and validating. Stay up beat, friendly, but not overly talkative.

You've got this!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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