#18 - Still working 2 years into Ring & Piecing

[LH19]

So LH, this is probably a pointless question but and maybe you'll tap my knuckles with the ruler, but do you think my W (and OnlyBent's) are turning things on for their AP/OM only to have the same issue a year or two or three down the road? Or, is it something wrong with us personally and the OM will be better? I know I'm not supposed to detach and care about that but the question is in the back of my mind wondering if it's me or W.

So first I’d like to say my sex life never dropped off in my marriage in fact got better after Fifty Shades of Grey came out (thanks dude) lol. What I am saying is odds are the other man will not be better and she will be back in the same place thinking something is missing in her life that is preventing her from being happy. Is it possible she finds Mr. wonderful that fills her physically, emotionally and sexually. Sure. But most men are clueless when it comes to making women happy.Heck most women don’t even know what makes them happy. How many times have you heard a girl say “I just want a nice guy” then they get a nice guy and dump him and say “he was too nice”. WTF does that even mean? Here is what I think. In every long term relationship at some point one is gonna want out. Some go through with it. Some don’t. You married someone who did. Was preventable? Maybe. Does it matter now? Nope. The real question is what did you learn from it?

[Ready2Change]

First, I would like to thank steve85 for letting us hijack your thread. Let us know if we should take this discussion back to BL42 thread.

Also I would like to thank Sage for sharing the female perspective.

This is a fascinating conversation and I wanted to add some thoughts from a female perspective.....I didn’t feel like the hot young thing he was initially attracted to and to relive our hot and heavy days, I needed to be lured back to that mental landscape. He was too easy and available.
3. Sex felt like a chore ....The remedy was to inject a little bit of the pursuer/distancer dynamic into the R. It wasn’t enough that he stopped asking it of me, I needed to feel that I was going to lose him. His confidence spiraled and that made it even more unattractive to me. I wanted someone to dominate me, be the strong, manly, knight in shining armor, sweeping me away from the mundane. He leaned on me to be the caretaker of him not only physically, but emotionally, which was a turnoff.
Women approach sexuality from their minds, not their nethers. We require a certain headspace to get into that sexual place.

My question is what do you think caused the drop off in sex initially? Why do you think your sex life was "off the charts" while dating to "Almost immediately she started to lose her interest in sex"? .... And how to I improve myself and/or see the red flags for next time?

BL42, Others have given you good insight. Take a look at what I put in bold from Sage4. Use that as the foundation for your new understanding. Turning a woman on is easy. It is about how she FEELS in your presence. It is about SURPRISE and EXCITEMENT. There is a balance between attraction and seduction.

Look here for counter-intuitive ways to attract:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

Read as much as you can about every area that you would like to improve. Decide what beliefs and behaviors are no longer working for you and which new ones you would like to have. Completely reinvent yourself if you want.

[SteveLW]

R2C, hijack away!

[SteveLW]

First, I would like to thank steve85 for letting us hijack your thread. Let us know if we should take this discussion back to BL42 thread.

Also I would like to thank Sage for sharing the female perspective.

This is a fascinating conversation and I wanted to add some thoughts from a female perspective.....I didn’t feel like the hot young thing he was initially attracted to and to relive our hot and heavy days, I needed to be lured back to that mental landscape. He was too easy and available.
3. Sex felt like a chore ....The remedy was to inject a little bit of the pursuer/distancer dynamic into the R. It wasn’t enough that he stopped asking it of me, I needed to feel that I was going to lose him. His confidence spiraled and that made it even more unattractive to me. I wanted someone to dominate me, be the strong, manly, knight in shining armor, sweeping me away from the mundane. He leaned on me to be the caretaker of him not only physically, but emotionally, which was a turnoff.
Women approach sexuality from their minds, not their nethers. We require a certain headspace to get into that sexual place.

My question is what do you think caused the drop off in sex initially? Why do you think your sex life was "off the charts" while dating to "Almost immediately she started to lose her interest in sex"? .... And how to I improve myself and/or see the red flags for next time?

BL42, Others have given you good insight. Take a look at what I put in bold from Sage4. Use that as the foundation for your new understanding. Turning a woman on is easy. It is about how she FEELS in your presence. It is about SURPRISE and EXCITEMENT. There is a balance between attraction and seduction.

Look here for counter-intuitive ways to attract:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

Read as much as you can about every area that you would like to improve. Decide what beliefs and behaviors are no longer working for you and which new ones you would like to have. Completely reinvent yourself if you want.

R2C, obviously the dynamics involved in a SSM are very complex. So much so that entire books are written about the subject!

But I think the fundamentals are found in a quote that I have learned to be so true:

"Women marry a man hoping he'll change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't."

There in lies the rub. Women tolerate a lot from men, even during dating. Thinking, "once we are married he won't spend so much time hunting, going out with the guys, being a momma's boy, etc." Men think their GF is perfect the way she is, so when after the wedding suddenly the 3-5 times a week having sex turns into 1 or 2 times (or less), and that she is now insisting he not spend so much time hunting, going out with the guys, and being a momma's boy, he feels suckered.

She went into the marriage expecting that there would changes after marriage, he goes in thinking everything will be exactly like it was before. That gets the ball rolling on the resentment, frustration, and malaise. She sits at home wishing he were different. He goes out to escape wishing things hadn't changed. And the ball just rolls further down hill from there.

I've watched this dynamic play out many times. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes mere months or weeks. The fact is that each went into the marriage expecting different things. And then the couple thinks, individually, "once we have kids then things will smooth out!" FAMOUS LAST WORDS.......................

[MrBrside]

But I think the fundamentals are found in a quote that I have learned to be so true:

"Women marry a man hoping he'll change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't."

There in lies the rub. Women tolerate a lot from men, even during dating. Thinking, "once we are married he won't spend so much time hunting, going out with the guys, being a momma's boy, etc." Men think their GF is perfect the way she is, so when after the wedding suddenly the 3-5 times a week having sex turns into 1 or 2 times (or less), and that she is now insisting he not spend so much time hunting, going out with the guys, and being a momma's boy, he feels suckered.

She went into the marriage expecting that there would changes after marriage, he goes in thinking everything will be exactly like it was before. That gets the ball rolling on the resentment, frustration, and malaise. She sits at home wishing he were different. He goes out to escape wishing things hadn't changed. And the ball just rolls further down hill from there.

I've watched this dynamic play out many times. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes mere months or weeks. The fact is that each went into the marriage expecting different things. And then the couple thinks, individually, "once we have kids then things will smooth out!" FAMOUS LAST WORDS.......................

Excellent write up Steve..

This and LH19s write up on resentment should be given to every guy on their 18th Birthday !

"Happy Birthday Son - Heres your birthday card - oh and read this as well"

Unfortunetly, many don't click in until its too late - many others go through life in a rubbish relationship.

[SteveLW]

But I think the fundamentals are found in a quote that I have learned to be so true:

"Women marry a man hoping he'll change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't."

There in lies the rub. Women tolerate a lot from men, even during dating. Thinking, "once we are married he won't spend so much time hunting, going out with the guys, being a momma's boy, etc." Men think their GF is perfect the way she is, so when after the wedding suddenly the 3-5 times a week having sex turns into 1 or 2 times (or less), and that she is now insisting he not spend so much time hunting, going out with the guys, and being a momma's boy, he feels suckered.

She went into the marriage expecting that there would changes after marriage, he goes in thinking everything will be exactly like it was before. That gets the ball rolling on the resentment, frustration, and malaise. She sits at home wishing he were different. He goes out to escape wishing things hadn't changed. And the ball just rolls further down hill from there.

I've watched this dynamic play out many times. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes mere months or weeks. The fact is that each went into the marriage expecting different things. And then the couple thinks, individually, "once we have kids then things will smooth out!" FAMOUS LAST WORDS.......................

Excellent write up Steve..

This and LH19s write up on resentment should be given to every guy on their 18th Birthday !

"Happy Birthday Son - Heres your birthday card - oh and read this as well"

Unfortunetly, many don't click in until its too late - many others go through life in a rubbish relationship.

It is interesting how little information is shared with a newly minted adulted headed into the world of adult relationships! Obviously, some parents are better about this than others, but I certainly never received good advice about what to expect as relationships move from casual dating into potential marital partners. Certainly would help if there were life-skills classes that could potentially teach these kinds of things. (I am concerned about the direction those classes would go in though with the current slant of public schooling!) But in general we turn high school and college graduates out into the world to figure things out for themselves. Some can handle it, most cannot.

[Ready2Change]

I kill deer.

I am headed out to the woods to chase deer with pointed sticks. Looking for a record class buck. Passing on the younger guys. The city bucks are all out today.

[SteveLW]

I kill deer.

I am headed out to the woods to chase deer with pointed sticks. Looking for a record class buck. Passing on the younger guys. The city bucks are all out today.

Wish I could share the picture, but I finally harvested a monster buck during bow season this year!

[Mach1]

Wish I could share the picture,

You can....check your email.....

R2C....I will forward through the Alt....

[Ready2Change]

Wish I could share the picture, but I finally harvested a monster buck during bow season this year!

I had my encounter with my monster buck. Underestimated the yardage and shot under. He is a little wiser now. Passed on a little buck at 10 yards. He is wiser as well. Best part was just being out in the woods in the moment.