Thornton not that it makes a difference but she didnt move in with OM. Just in a full on relationship with him in every other way. Just wanted to clarify.
I'm not gonna lie she broke my walls a bit with the ILY's and IMY and some of the other stuff she said.
I'm gonna take a day or two to think about it but i can already see how this would set me up for failure.
Some of what she said would give me some expectations. Expectations that would probably not be met and then Im just setting myself back emotionally.
The more I think on this the more I'm probably gonna go with exactly what you guys said.
"If you're still with OM theres nothing for us to talk about"
Just don't want it to come across as an ultimatum or controlling.
There are some positives here, you def have her second guessing herself. Anything less than her saying "I've left OM and hope and pray we can discuss our relationship", is just breadcrumbs. If you take the bait, she will run off again.
Just don't want it to come across as an ultimatum or controlling.
You see INDY this is a lot of the reason why you are in this situation. You have NGS and that is a turn off for most women. You are worried how you are going to come off to her WTF????? You will see years down the road and it will make you sick to your stomach when you think about the BS you put up with from your W.
Anyways it's not an ultimatum it is a boundary that every married person should have when dealing with APs.
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your wayward wife can do whatever she wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling her what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
She's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because she'll be outside your circle. She's free to go on and draw her own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
She can do WHATEVER she wants. She's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices she wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
If she's saying you have to let her into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HER controlling YOU.
Thornton not that it makes a difference but she didnt move in with OM. Just in a full on relationship with him in every other way. Just wanted to clarify.
I'm not gonna lie she broke my walls a bit with the ILY's and IMY and some of the other stuff she said.
I'm gonna take a day or two to think about it but i can already see how this would set me up for failure.
Some of what she said would give me some expectations. Expectations that would probably not be met and then Im just setting myself back emotionally.
The more I think on this the more I'm probably gonna go with exactly what you guys said.
"If you're still with OM theres nothing for us to talk about"
Just don't want it to come across as an ultimatum or controlling.
IMO - you do nothing.
You are doing well...
couple of things here..
The grass isnt always greener.. she may be seeing signs of this..
BUT from how you have painted WW, she likes things her way.. Guess what - You not doing as she wants is probably driving her nuts. This isnt a case of ILY or IMY - This is a way of her taking back control of you. Not because she wants to reconcile, but because she needs to feel she still can..
Seriously - You are doing so well - Grab this gift of freedom and enjoy it - walk on, walk away and just ignore her.
I will reiterate what ive said ( and others )
1. To get back with her or show interest will set you back mentally ! - Why do it to YOU 2. To get back with her could result in children in the future ! - Why do it to YOU or the CHILDREN .
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I really wanted to see her but I declined. I took the advice and reiterated if she’s still involved with OM there’s not a lot to talk about.
I keep reminding myself for things to get better, it has to be over with OM. Not that things need to get better in order for it to be over with OM.
Great job Indy! I know NC/boundaries is super tough work... especially when you have allowed a certain behavior for so long. Each time will get a little easier. The emotions subside a little quicker.
Keep it up.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Choose your words carefully. There’s nothing to talk about if she’s still talking to OM. Strength is the only thing that works out long term in these situations.
