I've been with H for 30 years Me(46) H(52) D(9). At the first of Jan/20 I confirmed he was having an PA. I knew all of 2019 something was going on, I expected to learn of an EA. He denied, I was crazy, it was all in my head, etc but I had undeniable proof in Jan so he finally admitted it.
We chose to try and work it out, I jumped in both feet and for 8 months we were happy. There were bumps along the way, but I was the happiest I'd been in years, I know he was happy too then in Aug/20 I got BD2 that he was still communicating and most likely still seeing her. I don't know if he was seeing her the whole time or if it recently struck up again.
I've been pouring over the information in these boards and I'm convinced he's in a MLC. We've always had a strong foundation in our relationship, friends, shared interests, etc, I'm hoping that will be an advantage here. For 3 years I've dealt with one crisis after another and I know I neglected him hard and that's what caused the crack that allowed the OW to get her foot in the door. Yes, he had a choice, but here we are. I've done my homework on the OW, she is a true predator and splits up marriages for entertainment. She's split at least 8 in the last 10 years that I'm aware of and once she 'gets her man' she immediately starts working to hook the next. Crazy!
I wish I'd found these boards in Jan because looking back I've done everything exactly wrong, I also see how he's been feeding me crumbs and cake eating, he's textbook. I know he still loves me, he's admitted in our many talks that he's confused, doesn't know what's going on inside him but he refuses counselling. It doesn't seem that he wants a divorce (I could be wrong) but he doesn't want to leave our home and he doesn't want me to leave either although he has moved out of the MBR. It also doesn't seem that he's ready to give up the OW yet either. Even this last month we've attempted to R a few times, something always happens to put us back at zero which is where we are now. He's actually very loving to me, hugs, kisses, cuddling, being intimate but he never says he loves me unless I say it first which I've now stopped doing re: the information here.
I've been working on myself and will continue to do so for myself, but I'm struggling with finding the right balance here between being an independent woman and letting him know I love him and want to save the marriage if we can.
I need help figuring out how to navigate this. Prior to Jan I was distant, neglectful, etc. Since Jan I've been the complete opposite so I don't know the correct 180 for pulling back, not initiating communication, etc. If I pull way back it seems like I'll be giving more of the same that was the starting point but if I'm overly loving he seems to like it but he won't do the things I need him to do to assure me he's gone NC with the OW so it feels like he's cake eating. I won't be in an open marriage. Help!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Journaling: I need to vent about the OW. I had an opportunity to speak with a couple of the XW's of marriages she's broken up and it was eye opening. Basically, she does this for sport and targets long term relationships, I figure it's because she hopes the H is heading into an MLC and she can play on that and she's very good at what she does. It's nothing for her to have 2 or 3 men going at one time, kind of like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.
I'm not excusing H's role in this at all, he has choices here. But I am p!ssed that these are real lives she's playing with, mine, H's and more importantly D9's and our divorce will be just another trophy she's collected. Once she has him she's going to start working to hook the next. I'm p!ssed that H can't see this. He knows about the other marriages, he knows a few of the couples personally, he knows what she is overall.
Last year H would come up with the most random stuff. One day he out of the blue informed me that I am a narcissist. Another time he accused me of trying to limit his time with D9 which really surprised me and I explained not true, that on school nights she needs to be in bed at a certain time other than that have at it. During conversations he would accuse me of thinking I was smarter than him, that I had all the answers (boy I wish I did). Then there were the times he was flat out nasty with me which was really uncharacteristic. I know realize a lot of these things were things they were discussing.
A couple of weeks before BD2, OW (who'd removed all her social media accounts in Jan but recently started an IG account) posted a picture she knew I would recognize and know she'd gone on H's annual boys trip last October. Now, before shutting down her account in January I saw enough to know that she was always very careful to make sure she posted nothing that would give away an A she was involved in, yet this picture was so in my face an reckless. After learning more about her and reflecting on this picture I realize she did it hoping that I would eventually see it and that I'd go ballistic and create a crack so she could get her foot back in the door and show H what a nasty b!tch I am.
I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
So, I've decided that from this point on I don't care what she does, she will never get another reaction from me. She doesn't exist to me anymore except that she's the OW and she's not my problem here, H is. The OW is his problem. This is one of my first 180's, no reaction to the OW, in fact don't mention her at all.
Last edited by job; 09/09/2002:23 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Cadet. I've already ordered both books, I should have DR on Friday just in time for weekend reading. I saw Wonka's advice on another thread and immediately took the steps I needed to keep my participation here undetected.
I read your sitch yesterday. You are in a tough spot. Don't make too many major changes until you've learned and read enough to make an informed decision.
The best things you can do are: GAL, be attractive in all ways, learn when to listen and when to not be available, and most importantly: DETACH. I would read the detachment thread a lot so that you can learn to see things clearly and make good choices that are not emotionally driven.
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So, I've decided that from this point on I don't care what she does, she will never get another reaction from me. She doesn't exist to me anymore except that she's the OW and she's not my problem here, H is. The OW is his problem. This is one of my first 180's, no reaction to the OW, in fact don't mention her at all.
This is great. Never be a victim, never give up your power.
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If I pull way back it seems like I'll be giving more of the same that was the starting point but if I'm overly loving he seems to like it but he won't do the things I need him to do to assure me he's gone NC with the OW so it feels like he's cake eating. I won't be in an open marriage. Help!
Also true. It's hard to figure out exactly where the line is. It's different for everyone. I believe you want to leave him wanting more, always. Learn how to text and speak where he wants to know what's next. Google exbfrecovery and that author has a great aid on how to text. There's plenty of other resources to aid you in seduction and influence.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you ovrrnbw. The books are on order and I should have DR tomorrow. I'm going to take your advice and not make any major changes until I've had a chance to read them both.
Just to get your opinion and to have the details here so I can refer to them later. A week after BD2, on a Sunday I informed H that I would no longer be cooking his meals or doing his laundry. Now, one of H's love languages is acts of service. Of course, this made him angry.
He bought all of the stuff he needed for his lunch salads that weeks but didn't make his lunch Monday or Tuesday and he was late coming home both nights after work. I assumed he was going to OW for lunch and dinner and this was later confirmed by one of his friends. The strange part is that he got up Wednesday and made his lunch salad and continued to do so for the rest of the week and he had takeout Wednesday and Thursday (brought home the leftovers) and had dinner with D9 Friday night. Starting Wednesday he was home every night as well.
I asked one of the XW I spoke with, who knows OW better than I if this was likely due to OW refusing to play wifey if she wasn't the wifey? XW responded no, OW would love that. That it was more likely that because H was forced to spend unscheduled time with OW that he saw something he didn't like.
The following Sunday I texted him that D9 and I were having a simple supper (it was actually one of his least favorite meals) but he was welcome to join us if he wanted. He responded if you want me to. I responded that we're still married and yes, I'd like that. He was grateful and joined us.
After that, he made sure to let me know of his whereabouts everyday and was home every night. I'm sure they were still texting/talking, but they weren't seeing one another in person. He invited me out for family ice cream time which I accepted and he began making his usual loving gestures towards me, we were intimate that night which was the first time since BD2.
That week I began doing things for myself. Got my nails done, he and D9 were having a daddy/daughter night on Friday, he invited me but I informed him that since he didn't invite me sooner I already made plans with a girlfriend (one he doesn't know). I made sure that night that I got home later than they did, met him in the hallway gave him a quick kiss and told him I was tired and going to bed. I saw the confusion on his face.
He started going out of his way to do nice things for me, text me through the day just to see how my day was going, etc. All of this was before I found DB. Was I striking a balance here or was this the typical scenario that I've seen played out on so many of the threads here?
A week ago Saturday we agreed to try to R again he reluctantly moved back to the MBR. Tuesday he came home and informed me he was going on a boys trip on the long weekend. I lost it! Then he lost it. You see, he's been rewriting our history and one of his major issues is that I have him like a chained dog. Absolutely not true but that's how he sees it. I told him I wasn't mad about the trip I was mad at myself for believing he was ever going to make me a priority in his life again that I'd hoped he would have used the long weekend to work on us. I told him all I want is for him to love me and he responded, quit making it so hard. That stung. Worse, I played right into his fantasy that I keep him like a chained dog.
I admit I screamed some foul words at him, told him how selfish he is and reminded him that I didn't create this mess he did and that he wasn't a victim here. Not my finest hour but boy, it felt good to get that out after all these months. I went NC the next day and then found DB while googling trying to find a solution to this problem. He moved back out of the MBR that night, his choice.
From Wednesday through Monday I only responded if he initiated contact first and then only responded with a generic response like 'thanks for letting me know', 'glad you're having fun', etc. He was away From Saturday morning through Monday night. It was peaceful actually. This week I've been trying to be less removed in case of the 'more of the same', still not initiating contact but it's different this time than it has been. It's strained and awkward on both our parts which it's never been during this whole crisis. He invited me to dinner with himself and D9 last night and the conversation was pleasant but awkward, lots of long silences. I know I'm not supposed to read anything into that but it's difficult. I guess this is one place where detaching will come in, I hope.
Thank you ovrrnbw. The books are on order and I should have DR tomorrow. I'm going to take your advice and not make any major changes until I've had a chance to read them both.
Just to get your opinion and to have the details here so I can refer to them later. A week after BD2, on a Sunday I informed H that I would no longer be cooking his meals or doing his laundry. Now, one of H's love languages is acts of service. Of course, this made him angry.
He bought all of the stuff he needed for his lunch salads that weeks but didn't make his lunch Monday or Tuesday and he was late coming home both nights after work. I assumed he was going to OW for lunch and dinner and this was later confirmed by one of his friends. The strange part is that he got up Wednesday and made his lunch salad and continued to do so for the rest of the week and he had takeout Wednesday and Thursday (brought home the leftovers) and had dinner with D9 Friday night. Starting Wednesday he was home every night as well.
I asked one of the XW I spoke with, who knows OW better than I if this was likely due to OW refusing to play wifey if she wasn't the wifey? XW responded no, OW would love that. That it was more likely that because H was forced to spend unscheduled time with OW that he saw something he didn't like.
The following Sunday I texted him that D9 and I were having a simple supper (it was actually one of his least favorite meals) but he was welcome to join us if he wanted. He responded if you want me to. I responded that we're still married and yes, I'd like that. He was grateful and joined us.
After that, he made sure to let me know of his whereabouts everyday and was home every night. I'm sure they were still texting/talking, but they weren't seeing one another in person. He invited me out for family ice cream time which I accepted and he began making his usual loving gestures towards me, we were intimate that night which was the first time since BD2.
That week I began doing things for myself. Got my nails done, he and D9 were having a daddy/daughter night on Friday, he invited me but I informed him that since he didn't invite me sooner I already made plans with a girlfriend (one he doesn't know). I made sure that night that I got home later than they did, met him in the hallway gave him a quick kiss and told him I was tired and going to bed. I saw the confusion on his face.
He started going out of his way to do nice things for me, text me through the day just to see how my day was going, etc. All of this was before I found DB. Was I striking a balance here or was this the typical scenario that I've seen played out on so many of the threads here?
A week ago Saturday we agreed to try to R again he reluctantly moved back to the MBR. Tuesday he came home and informed me he was going on a boys trip on the long weekend. I lost it! Then he lost it. You see, he's been rewriting our history and one of his major issues is that I have him like a chained dog. Absolutely not true but that's how he sees it. I told him I wasn't mad about the trip I was mad at myself for believing he was ever going to make me a priority in his life again that I'd hoped he would have used the long weekend to work on us. I told him all I want is for him to love me and he responded, quit making it so hard. That stung. Worse, I played right into his fantasy that I keep him like a chained dog.
I admit I screamed some foul words at him, told him how selfish he is and reminded him that I didn't create this mess he did and that he wasn't a victim here. Not my finest hour but boy, it felt good to get that out after all these months. I went NC the next day and then found DB while googling trying to find a solution to this problem. He moved back out of the MBR that night, his choice.
From Wednesday through Monday I only responded if he initiated contact first and then only responded with a generic response like 'thanks for letting me know', 'glad you're having fun', etc. He was away From Saturday morning through Monday night. It was peaceful actually. This week I've been trying to be less removed in case of the 'more of the same', still not initiating contact but it's different this time than it has been. It's strained and awkward on both our parts which it's never been during this whole crisis. He invited me to dinner with himself and D9 last night and the conversation was pleasant but awkward, lots of long silences. I know I'm not supposed to read anything into that but it's difficult. I guess this is one place where detaching will come in, I hope.
Any thoughts on where we're at here?
It sounds like you need to read the book and dive into Sandi's 37 rules. You are all over the place. Also, if I were you I would get tested for STDs. We just had a woman on the board get STDs from her wayward husband.
