Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Traveler]

Hi Pack,

Now today we exchange the kids, W was late as always.. I said goodbye to the kids

I'm curious.. why do you drop-off the kids? Most I know do it the other way. That way, if the other parent's late for pick-up, you and your kids are chilling in your house. Second, why do you tolerate lateness? My custody schedule has direct remedies, but others I know record tardies and seek relief if it's excessive.

W: I want to know everything that happens to my children when they are with you
Me (here I interrupted her): You are talking to me in a disrespectful tone, I am leaving
W: Don't behave like a child!
Me: No, I am behaving like an adult and I will not listen to you if you speak to me like this.
Wife did not change the tone.
I turned around and left towards the car. As I moved away she shouted from the door "You are a son of a b*tch! I want to know everything related to my kids when they are with you" (All of this with both children there next to her)

Wow, I'm surprised and impressed. Is this Pack's thread?? Good job on setting and sticking to a boundary!

About sharing information on the kids. I don't want to use the children as a reason to contact her, but now she comes to me with all these shouts about knowing everything that concerns the kids when they are with me. My thoughts are, look W, I never wanted a D, I never wanted a broken family but if this is how our lives are going to be, a D with shared custody means just that, I will give you no explanations when they are with me as I will not ask for them when they are with you. Am I right in thinking this way?

Agreed! I inform my ex-wife about major dates--e.g., school conferences, performances, and promotions. She'd know instantly if the kids were seriously hurt. However, being divorced means you don't know what's happening to your kids every minute of every day. Both parents are competent adults. If they're not, well, you file reports with organizations like Child Protective Services to have your grievances addressed. My boss doesn't get to micro-manage me or receive hourly reports. I won't accept those from an ex. There's nothing vengeful in that for me. It just doesn't sound helpful for the kids or like a groove I'd enjoy.

[Ready2Change]

R2C, Do you have specific information on that tip about when to smile at women? It has really intrigued me!

When intending to court a woman, smiling is definitely a submissive signal. I learned it is best to wait for a woman to smile, then it is permissible to return a smile. Do not out do her smile. Search "Marni" on youtube. She has some good advise.

[ovrrnbw]

R2C, Do you have specific information on that tip about when to smile at women? It has really intrigued me!

When intending to court a woman, smiling is definitely a submissive signal. I learned it is best to wait for a woman to smile, then it is permissible to return a smile. Do not out do her smile. Search "Marni" on youtube. She has some good advise.

I will add that when I was a single man out in high traffic areas, I would keep a smile just behind my lips like I was happier than hell. Women are always curious as to why you're so happy and they notice if you're having a good time or if other women are interacting with you.

[Ready2Change]

I will add that when I was a single man out in high traffic areas, I would keep a smile just behind my lips like I was happier than hell. Women are always curious as to why you're so happy and they notice if you're having a good time or if other women are interacting with you.

And being able to smile with your eyes.

[Pack_19]

hi all!
Thanks a lot for the tips! I will check the information on both the youtube channel and I will start today NMMNM!

W has been in touch a couple of times saying she wants to talk to me about a couple of subjects related to the kids. She always makes comments about how we should "talk about the kids" in a way that she implies it is my fault as I cannot accept our S and therefore I cannot have the relationship she expects me to have now.

The children are fine, S7 is here with me as I type and I will soon pick up S2 from kindergarten. I don't want to talk with her unless there is a medical issue or emergency. Maybe I am being childish, I don't know. Last time she ended up insulting me on the streets and at this point I am just tired. I don't want any more interactions with her, I don't want to be reminded how cold she has turned towards me and I don't want to think about the hell I have lived in 2020 and all her words about being free to do anything she wants and not owing me a thing. I need help from the board, how do I put this idea to her in respectful and strong words?

This is what I want to say. "The children are both doing great and there is no need for us to talk. Anything you want to say to me you can say it per email. Have a great holiday" (after all, she was the one to push for the S agreement I so much dread and where it says from now on we communicate via email)

I am hurting more than usual today, I don't know why maybe it is because I saw her yesterday as I had to pick up some clothes for the children. I have started working on accepting the woman I married to is dead, maybe that thinking helps me move on, I dont think I will be able to influence any change on her and thus saving my M. 16 months since BD and at this point I am ready to be over with this, stop suffering and forgive myself. I just want the pain to fade away.

Thank you for your support and time! You know it means the world to me. Pack

[LH19]

hi all!
Thanks a lot for the tips! I will check the information on both the youtube channel and I will start today NMMNM!

[quote=Pack_19] W has been in touch a couple of times saying she wants to talk to me about a couple of subjects related to the kids. She always makes comments about how we should "talk about the kids" in a way that she implies it is my fault as I cannot accept our S and therefore I cannot have the relationship she expects me to have now.

No grand statements! A simple "just email your concerns and I will address them when I have some free time"

I don't think I will be able to influence any change on her and thus saving my M.

Unfortunately, the hardest thing for you right now is to realize there's *nothing* you can actively do that will change what she's going to do. Nothing.You need to accept that, process it, surrender to it. That is the hardest part of all of this, the situation, in terms of what she does, cannot be changed by you. It's too late for that now.

16 months since BD and at this point I am ready to be over with this, stop suffering and forgive myself. I just want the pain to fade away.

So what's keeping you from filing and moving on?

[Traveler]

"The children are both doing great and there is no need for us to talk. Anything you want to say to me you can say it per email. Have a great holiday"

Try to be direct, short, and sweet, "Please use e-mail for further communication, unless there's an emergency. Thanks!" I'm not sure why you would offer that you feel the children are doing great and there is no need to talk. Note, you said she could use e-mail, but didn't ask her to use e-mail.

[Pack_19]

Hi all!

I hope you had a great Christmas and happy New Year (as much as it currently can be). It has been a long time since I posted so apologies in advance for the long post, please bear with me.

I have started 2021 convinced that nobody is coming to save me from this hell and determined to make it a good year. Even facing the reality that most likely I will divorce in 2021, I still want to make this the greatest year so far for the kids and myself. Apart form the usual work on my PIES, I have two ideas glued to my head.

1 - Not to pursue a person who does not want me in her life
2 - Cut communication to essentials and emergency for the sake of MY detachment.

Things have not changed much with W. We are NC and just exchanging the kids, when we do I make sure to be the first one to leave and to be focused on them. During the holidays W sent me a number of messages trying to talk about the presents for the kids for the sake of avoiding duplication. I ended up sending her a PM stating that we had nothing to discuss as I trusted she would choose presents adequately for her home and so I would for mine. She replied with an statement that I was not able to separate talking about us and the kids and that she was making the most to talk about everything related to the kids. I told her I understood her frustration but I was not going to have the conversation and moved on.

Christmas holidays have been way better than last year. Instead of spending everyday glued to my phone waiting for that message from W that never came, I put my phone away and chose to have fun with my family, friends and the kids. We bought fireworks, we dressed up S2 as a reindeer for the Christmas party at the nursery, I got them some great presents, I went out with friends, I met some women on occasional dates and I continued to exercise with the bike, running and playing tennis.

On New Year's eve I got a call from S7 I was not expecting and that made my day, I think they had a great time with me and we even went trail walking and I carried S2 on the backpack I bought during lockdown. I have also started to notice more interest from a few women, I think all the work on me, my hygiene, my new look, the hobbies I have been working so hard on and my renewed relationship with friends and the kids are starting to pay back, I just pray everyday that I can keep the good changes going. I continue to regain my self-esteem and ambition at work and have been contacted by a couple of companies for possible moves, I really needed this because I was feeling weak even on that aspect of my life that has always been one of my strengths.

Not all has been nice and easy, just on New Year's eve as I arrived home alone after being with my family I broke down and spent about an hour crying in the solitude of my home, then on the 1st January I had to go for a walk not to be alone with my thoughts and I have had days when I have seen W and had thoughts of why on earth can we not talk about our M and how can she have moved on this easily from all we had. I think a lot about the past and our lives in UK and Germany, and I mean a lot, I literally spend days remembering all I liked about Munich and how much I miss it, I really need to work on that and focus on the good things I have now or it is going to be permanent in my head.

I am reading NMMNG and I have quickly identified that I have always used being nice and good to get the approval of people and attract women, how naive! this book is going to rate as one of my unmissable ones.

Why haven't I filed? I still have that voice in my head that keeps shouting the right thing is for my family to be together if we can ever work our problems and I am terrified by the idea of that turning the sale of our house in Munich into more trouble and anxiety as it already brings me. I need to work on both of these issues.

Updated PIES from the man I aspire to be.
P - Running my marathon as soon as possible after COVID, continue to practice sexual kung fu, keep up my good appearance and gain some more muscle mass
I - Lead projects in my current role, read books about being a man of worth, attractiveness, confidence and honor. Promote at work in 2021
E- Continue to work on active listening, detaching and letting go of this situation. Accepting I cannot control the way out of this hell
S - Keep praying, remain hopeful that this year will be a tipping point for me.

I continue to attend IC sessions and I have been busy at work and exercising and hence I have not posted much but please continue to come by and comment. I feel like all that has happened is making me a better father and man and I owe much of that to all of you here, I hope some day I can pay back the help I have received, maybe by staying here and helping other people when I have healed. W is living her life and I continue to rebuild mine, setting up boundaries and knowing that if someone is ever to come into my life, she will fight for me and care about the things I do now I love so much.

Thank you all!
((hugs)), Pack

[Ready2Change]

During the holidays W sent me a number of messages trying to talk about the presents for the kids for the sake of avoiding duplication. I ended up sending her a PM stating that we had nothing to discuss as I trusted she would choose presents adequately for her home and so I would for mine. She replied with an statement that I was not able to separate talking about us and the kids and that she was making the most to talk about everything related to the kids. I told her I understood her frustration but I was not going to have the conversation

I love both of your responses!

[ovrrnbw]

She always makes comments about how we should "talk about the kids" in a way that she implies it is my fault as I cannot accept our S and therefore I cannot have the relationship she expects me to have now.

I'd not stand for that. Hang up or walk away immediately.

This is what I want to say. "The children are both doing great and there is no need for us to talk. Anything you want to say to me you can say it per email. Have a great holiday" (after all, she was the one to push for the S agreement I so much dread and where it says from now on we communicate via email)

Cut the fat, just say "Email" and hang up. She'll get it eventually.

I just pray everyday that I can keep the good changes going

A good priest will tell you that prayer alone won't do it, you must practice it everyday.

Your self improvement plan looks good. Are you living in Germany then? That's pretty cool.