D— I’m an atheist I don’t believe in a final judgement by a higher power. I don’t believe life has any inherent meaning or purpose. One of my favourite mottos is ‘If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do’. I believe we are honour-bound as temporary citizens of the universe to do no harm, and that’s about it.
This means that living and judging by a universal moral code is the essence of what it means to be human. IMHO!
Judgement isn’t punishment, it’s self-preservation. I judged X as unsafe; therefore I choose to have no contact and parallel parent with him. Our friends judged X as dishonourable; therefore they chose to remove him from their social circle. His employees judged X as lacking integrity; therefore they do not respect him as a manager.
I enjoyed your post too. It’s satisfying to think deeply about these things.
It's been a week now and still no response to my email agreeing with the Christmas plan he wanted. We now have agreement on every aspect of the parenting plan, yet he's still not doing anything to actually make it happen. I'm not going to chase him. I feel good, I feel strong, I feel fearless.
My sister came over to help put up the tree yesterday. She, being 26 on a Sunday, was hungover, so we ordered some fast food and made rum balls. S2 had an absolute ball playing with all the various ornaments. I got him a tabletop tree of his very own and he was thrilled. I love, love, love my twinkling tree, decorated in gold, silver, and white.
X wrote back about Christmas saying it's still not fair. He claimed that I have not stuck to my word about the Christmas arrangement I agreed to last year with him and his mother... What?!
Given that I expected to have S2 every Christmas, I've never committed to any other arrangement until now. He knows this because I've stated many, many times that I would not budge on Christmas. And his mother has never been involved in any custody discussion. Straight up lies, gaslighting, and manipulation... but for absolutely no reason. He's getting what he originally wanted, so why continue to invent new issues?
The arrangement couldn't be more fair; alternating yearly: - 5pm Christmas Eve to 5pm Christmas Day with one parent - 5pm Christmas Day to 5pm Boxing Day with the other parent
He's also splitting hairs on the changeover time and wants it to be 3pm instead of 5pm. Every other holiday, birthday, special occasion we've agreed on has a 5pm changeover time. Why do I have to continue to compromise? Every time I do, he comes up with another petty issue to argue. It truly seems like he just wants to kick the can down the road forever to avoid having to sign a new agreement. When does it end?
Document everything in emails that you keep copies of. Offer him to compromise with 4 pm. Repeat that you never made any kind of promise last year. Reiterate that you are giving him exactly what he requested before and do not understand why he keeps changing things. Those statements will look good to a court if it come to that.
Basically, he's yanking your chain - looking for anything to keep the attention going, even if it's negative attention. Don't let him suck you in to conflict.
I agree with kml-- he's yanking your chain. Utterly ridiculous and crazy-making, of course, but this is his last fingerhold and he's digging in.
I also agree with kml on your response, but also wondering what your timeline is on this and how badly you need/want this wrapped up by any given date. Is there any reason to respond right away? Maybe taking your time on responding (and not stewing about it, knowing how you'll respond but just giving it all some time) would be helpful to take a bit more power back on this one. (or, it could be the other way around, that a quick and gentle response -- I'm so sorry, I do not recall any agreement with your mother, but I do think this split is fair. How about we say 4 pm tradeoff and call it a day?-- could take the wind out of his sails.) IDK. He doesn't seem motivated by healthy things.
Also, since it seems as though he's broken up with OW, it is too bad you weren't able to get this all buttoned up while he was distracted with her. I'm sure he had images of the romantic candlelit Christmas Eve with OW in his head before, and not having S2 in the picture seemed just fine. Now he's imagining a lonely night and is lashing out at you to take away the one thing he knows you care about the most so that everyone can be equally unhappy, bringing his mom into the picture even-- ugh. (BTW, what is he even complaining about with this arrangement? Do you even know what he's claiming you agreed to with his mom??) Maybe if you wait a few weeks he'll start dating and get distracted again, and you can pounce then.
Hang in there. This is just smoke and mirrors from him right now. Hopefully the very last gasp.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Scout, I would let it go as May says. You can't negotiate with the personality-disordered, you just can't. They will take the toxic connection over nothing. All you can do is take the steps you must along the way to protect yourself. You have to let the rest go. You've tried to be reasonable. I'm cheering you on and love your descriptions of that wonderful little boy of yours and continue to find amazement at how plucky you are, particularly given your age. I love your attitude about life and decency. You are an amazing mom and are doing right by your son and that is what matters most.
Why do I have to continue to compromise? Every time I do, he comes up with another petty issue to argue. It truly seems like he just wants to kick the can down the road forever to avoid having to sign a new agreement. When does it end?
Does anyone have any advice?
Same advice as others. Document. Stay consistent. Don't take the emotional bait.
I also see a lot of speculation from others on your X's thought process, which I think is completely counter to DB principles. "He's thinking this, he's doing that, OW"... this is what I meant earlier about villainizing. I don't see you doing this in your posts, but I hope you don't fall into this trap. It is not detachment. It may help motivate you with anger or help you stay strong but it is not really what DB principles (as I understand them) teach. The ONLY reason I think the WHY could matter is if you are trying to understand his motives so that you can come to some sort of compromise on an issue. Otherwise... waste of mental energy.
I spoke with someone this year who D'ed his W with a small child. She pestered him with constant legal filings and actions for 16 years. Maybe it will never end.
I hope this doesn't happen in your case. The fact is, you can't control when it ends. You CAN control how you handle it and compartmentalize the insanity your X brings into your life into a tiny little box.
My X and I are in a similar endless loop over every little thing it seems. Although I would like to hope a finalized D will end the conflict, I am prepared for that not to be the case.
I agree with the others. Perhaps letting it sit a bit before you answer will help take some of the emotional sting out of the initial reaction.
I f it were me, i would stay away from anything involving the word "fairness" - that's emotional bait. It plays into the ridiculousness of what they call "time of possession" in football. My F and M did this for 20 years after their D.
If I were you, I would stick to the facts.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I was unaware of an agreement with your M. As per our original agreement, the changeover was to happen at 5pm. If 5 pm does not work for you, 4pm will be fine.
Try not to think of this compromise as a metaphor for your whole situation. It is only one interaction. You're dealing with someone who isn't making rational sense and is preprogrammed to blame you for it.
You have made a fair offer of alternating each year with the same times as every other special day and holiday. He is just yanking your chain. Trying to get you to take the bait.
In negotiations there are times when you stand firm. To demonstrate that you serious and that compromise only goes so far. I think this may be one of those times.
XH, I’m sorry you feel that way. The agreement before you is fair. It alternates Christmas Day between us every year. The pick up time is 5:00pm; like every other exchange throughout the year.
That’s it. Acknowledge and validate him, and just reiterate the proposal.
Leave it hanging. No take it or leave it, nor anything else. There is plenty said and implied in such a short response.
As you said, XH knows you didn’t want to budge on Christmas. I think he is just seeing how far he can push. You need not push back, just be a solid rock. The proposal is fair. Be unmovable and see where it goes.
XH will roll it around in his mind. Reading and rereading it. The more times he tells himself the agreement, the more he moulds himself to it. It’s a fair proposal. There is little he can really fight against.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I don’t believe in a final judgement by a higher power. I don’t believe life has any inherent meaning or purpose. One of my favourite mottos is ‘If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do’. I believe we are honour-bound as temporary citizens of the universe to do no harm, and that’s about it.