I remember seeing my future literally flash before my eyes the night X said ILYBINILWY. I got on my knees, grabbed his hand, and begged him not to separate me from my baby.
This is why he is torturing you with it, Scout. Whether it's conscious or not, he knows that's how to hurt you.
Everyone here says to let things go when you can, and I do agree with that to a point as I wrote earlier, to give way but in stages, not because it's best for you but because of what is best for Sweet Little S. But I also think the MLCer is very dangerous to a child. I have said that before on your thread. My kids are older and the older kid version of what your S2 did after the "kidnapping" is shoplifting, skipping school, failing school, wrecking the house, drug use, eating disorders, etc. So I think you have to stay very strict in your communication about always doing what is best for the child. Your S has shown you that being with H can be very traumatic and being with his dad unsupervised is not best for him if his dad is harmful to his mind/heart/body. Some things you can't control but some you can. I assume your H will do a lot to show that he doesn't know how to put a kid first, and you have to have a nice thick file of that stuff and of all the times you stood your ground for your S, not for yourself.
((((Scout))))
and also
(((((((S2))))))))
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
On the other hand - remember he emotional Aikido. Not giving your ex a handhold to grab, not resisting things that you're not likely to win on, and letting him then have to deal with it - is likely to end up with you getting S2 MORE, not LESS. If your ex sees it as getting a rise out of you, he'll continuing pressing it. If there's not drama and it just ends up being an inconvenience to him to have S2 that much, soon enough you'll see him not taking S2 for all the time he has (in fact that's started already, correct?). I imagine the amount that Ex takes him will fluctuate based on whether he has a girlfriend at the time or not. He'll want to show the girlfriend what a "great dad" he is. His interest in having S2 will fall off when no ones watching.
Also, remember, Xmas is an opportunity for S2 to develop his relationship with his grandparents on that side. Unless they themselves are dangerous, it's generally good for a kid to have all the grandparents he can.
Thanks for the hugs, Gerda. I have to agree with everything you said. My trust in X as a parent is below zero and I hold my breath every time he has S2 in his care. I recall LH19 (or someone on the Newcomers board) admonishing me that I had no right to distrust X as a parent when I'd once trusted this man enough to father and care for my children. That, to me, just ignored a huge amount of context. I'd imagine that many of the custody disputes over there are between two people who genuinely love their kids and want the best for them. It's hard to explain the difference between those people and someone like X, when for all intents and purposes, the situation looks exactly the same, and a judge would see it as such.
I definitely feel stronger for it, kml. And you may be right about his avoidance. There's been 11 months of garbage from X since his first request for increased time-- stonewalling, threats, lies, accusations about my parenting, a kidnapping scare. But the end result is the same-- he has yet to agree to anything that would formally increase his parenting time. The ENTIRE time I've been saying "Yes, as long as XYZ". Where XYZ is things like "You provide your physical address" or "You provide emergency contact information" or "You confirm that S2 has his own bed" or "the arrangement is age-appropriate". The fact that my agreement is conditional, which it has to be for S2's safety and wellbeing, seems to trigger something pathological in X that makes him fight and prevaricate.
Even now that I've agreed to the Christmas arrangement that he wanted, he still hasn't responded to move forward with the increased share of time. He has showed up for his visits this week, but hasn't responded to emails to confirm the new parenting plan. There is nothing holding up the start of the new plan except his signed agreement. I do think that part of this evasion is an unwillingness to be held accountable with a legally enforceable plan. He has built evasive language into nearly every clause of the plan, ie. 'XYZ unless otherwise agreed'. Which is fine, I can handle that. He has always had a pathological aversion to taking responsibility in any area of his life. I'd guess it's because if he never commits to something, nobody can say he's ever failed at anything. Deep down, he's a very insecure person.
OMG. I came across X on Tinder tonight. Whewwwww. So either he and OW broke up, or he’s searching for her replacement. That has nothing to do with me, but I do feel a certain sense of closure. And a little schadenfreude. And a little bemusement. So much devastation for what amounted to nothing more than a fling. What a funny old world.
I completely understand your position of having negative trust (below zero) in your X. I feel exactly the same way with my X right now.
Sometimes I sense on your thread there is a lot of vilification of your X. I'm not standing up for the guy. But I also think it's counter-productive to your goals to engage in this thinking or discussion because you are focused on him.
My situation was not the same as yours, but some of the same aspects were there. My W insisted on a lot of conditions when I had the children. I complied for awhile, because we were working with a counselor and I thought it might help us avoid court. After several months I realized that wasn't going to happen, and that my W was not going to let go of the reins. So when she started offering conditional increases of parenting time, I said no. I know she thinks I'm (insert any label you want here) for not accepting her offers, but I don't really care, because I wanted to be a father to my kids without her controlling every aspect.
But I'm not your X, and he may not be interested in being a father in the same way. He could just be doing this to get back at you. I don't really know.
I don't actually have any advice on what to do. You are obviously right to have protective instincts of your son. I hope for you that you can avoid an expensive (emotionally and financially) legal battle down the road, but you can only control your role. Your H may be a loose cannon. Keep that focus on you and how you can stay strong and centered. Your S is lucky to have you
Do I seem overly focused on X? Huh. I don’t feel stuck at all. I’m going to explore this a bit (a lot) below.
I do deliberately look back and reflect when I post here, trying to understand how and why I allowed myself to accept an abusive relationship dynamic for so long. I feel like I’m still being deprogrammed. That’s for my sake, not his. The lengths I went to save (and then grieve) my marriage doesn’t mean it wasn’t an unhealthy and often unhappy one, or that I didn’t fully realise this until after the fact. I don’t believe I’m looking back through a darkened lens, but a clear one. The things I post about it and X are my attempt to tease out patterns of behaviour in order to make sense of what was a hugely traumatic event. Pattern recognition is supposed to be the defining ability which elevated humankind from rudimentary to intellectual beings. It protects us from harm and helps us make smarter decisions. It helped me realise that X is not a safe person for me to be around so I’ve done everything possible to remove him from my life.
Vilification is an interesting word choice. I am absolutely conservative in my thinking when it comes to betrayal, abandonment, and deception. There is no context in which it is acceptable in my book. I do believe that a man who abandons a pregnant wife or new mother deserves harsh judgement, regardless of the circumstances or his personal narrative. Others may disagree. Does he have the right to leave? Of course. I don’t control anyone’s life, and I wouldn’t want that responsibility. I will point out that I don’t know of any other legal contract that one party is unilaterally allowed to break at any time without penalty, but that’s more of a side note. Is it vilification to shine a light on behaviour that is objectively repugnant according to the human code of morality? Betrayal, abandonment, and deception are three of the ugliest moral crimes a person can commit against another. Let alone against the one person in the world you vowed to love, cherish, and protect, and least of all, against the children you chose to bring into this world.
I’m not interested in ‘playing the victim’ in the sense that I deserve or demand pity or sympathy, but to ignore the moral crimes he committed against me is to whitewash the guiding principles of my life. I have no wish to punish X as the ‘perpetrator’ of these crimes. His punishment is living with himself. I do not believe he did the best he could at the time. I do not believe that hurt people hurt people. I believe he stuck around until I no longer had any use or status, and then he discarded me as soon as a better option came along. Simple as that. He has consistently chosen the path of least honour and most cowardice. For any human to exploit another for personal gain is objectively wrong in my belief system. It is abuse. But I forgive him. Forgiveness does not require an admission of guilt. Forgiveness is cancelling a debt that won’t be paid back so you can move on. That’s it. Forgiving that debt is not for the debtor, it’s so the bank can clear their books and have a clean slate. Forgiveness is acceptance. And I know I’ve reached that point.
One thing I’ve always been so careful to do, even when in the emotional doldrums, is to seek legal counsel before taking any position in custody negotiations. I’d never take a position that favoured me for selfish reasons because that would go against my code of honour— except for this Christmas issue. And in the end, I couldn’t live with the discomfort of doing something intrinsically unfair, even though I desperately wanted it and could have made him fight for it. So I’m confident that my conditions for increasing his parenting time were more than reasonable in the eyes of the law, but also within the part of me that governs behaviour— my conscience, I suppose. I’ve never attempted to control his parenting time, even when it has caused me great distress, because I understand that’s out of my wheelhouse and not appropriate. I’ve never asked what he does, where he takes him, who is there. He’s brought him back injured without explanation, and I’ve not demanded one. He is free to parent how he wishes without interference from me.
He has never complied with what very little I’ve asked of him: a) Confirm your address and emergency contact information, and b) stick to the agreement, or sign a new one— that’s literally it. When I asked for assistance caring for a sick baby, he refused. When I asked him to continue the parenting schedule we’d established during the marriage, he refused. Because he “didn’t enjoy it”. He wanted less time. He’s actively circumvented any agreement he voluntarily made with me. From the very beginning when we agreed that he’d spend time with S2 in our marital home to maintain his routine— he’d agreed to feed him breakfast and walk him to daycare in the pram. What he actually did was wait until I left the house, then put S2 in his car and take him back to his house. This was not a condition I set in exchange for visitation; this was a voluntary agreement we discussed and made together. If he had asked, I would have said “yes, take him— I just need to know your address in case of emergency”. He is incapable of reciprocity or cooperation. Like, pathologically incapable. I truly believe this.
This has gotten way longer than anyone cares to read, but it was an interesting thought exercise for me.
Scout, you don’t have to justify yourself to me. Your ex IS pathological, in a Sociopath Next Door way, not in a QLC kind of way. This is not you vilifying him - it’s you finally recognizing what you’ve been dealing with.
I enjoyed your post. I was particularly drawn towards the forgiveness - you got that well in hand by the way. Forgiveness feels so good, doesn’t it?
Originally Posted by scout12
Is it vilification to shine a light on behaviour that is objectively repugnant according to the human code of morality?
I understand the repugnance of these behaviours. XW’s telling/flaunting us 30 minutes after the act of fully consummating her affair was one of her many notable moments that illustrated her lack of morals.
Is it vilification? Depends on why you’re shining the light. In your case, I believe you are seeking a clear picture and understanding of things. You shine the light to understand and empathize and forgive; the purpose is not to strengthen XH as the villain. Job well done, IMHO.
Originally Posted by scout12
I do believe that a man who abandons a pregnant wife or new mother deserves harsh judgement...
What about just fair judgement? Harshness come from punishment.
Be patient. We will all be judged, eventual.
Personally, I leave the judging to a higher power. (Most of the time. ) No person is wise enough to see all ends. Judgements upon the morals, or lack of, becomes messy pretty quickly when doled out by us fallible beings.
Seek your clear view without judgement. A wonderful peaceful life awaits for those who find their way.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) No person is wise enough to see all ends. Judgements upon the morals, or lack of, becomes messy pretty quickly when doled out by us fallible beings.