kml-- I see your point. Truly, I do. I can do Christmas another time and it will be okay. I can celebrate in an adult way and it will be okay. I can create new traditions and it will be okay. It's just a calendar date, I agree. But Christmas morning is most special the first five or ten years of a child's life. It's different (still hard, of course, but different) with adult kids. If I absolutely have to compromise, I will. But not yet. I've given myself permission to be selfish on this one issue. What I can and will offer as the next step in negotiation is to revisit the issue when the entire parenting plan is reviewed in two years.
ETA: Gerda-- that'll be my compromise. I love the idea of hosting an orphan's Christmas or volunteering somewhere on the day.
Christmas morning’s specialness is eclipsed by the specialness of being together.
Our family tradition was to open gifts Christmas morning with Grandma and Grandpa joining the family. My parents would arrive bright and early and it was “that” special morning.
After my Dad became paralyzed, Christmas morning became Christmas late morning / afternoon. That happened when the kids were ranged somewhere between 2 to 7. We learned pretty quick, it’s special due to the people, not the time of day, nor the date.
Christmas was put on hold plenty due to my work as well. You’d be surprised at how many ice storms and power problems happen on Christmas holidays. Many times I’ve been out restoring power to give other families a Christmas, then returned and resumed our celebration.
As fate would have it; tonight I was at S22’s for supper. He and I were talking about lots of things; it was a great visit. Anyhow, one of the things he brought up was our family times; Christmases, vacations, birthdays, etc. He was looking at the pictures and had so many fond and happy stories and memories. The joyous happy Christmas happened when it happened, whenever the actual day was.
I’ve been feeling really happy since that talk with my boy. So many trips, vacations, holidays, and so on; mixed in the grind of raising a family, school, work, etc. And to have your child look back fondly, with a certain awe and appreciation is so heartwarming. There are times when parents doubt if they are doing right. Then years later your kids grow up enough to let you know know you did good.
Share Christmas. Don’t worry about the date. You and son’s special time exists beyond the boundaries of one day. It is being with you that is special. And that is timeless.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The grownups party I attended was an annual affair called the Loser’s Christmas. Hosted by a lifelong bachelor who happened to be the guy who signed my best friend to her first record deal, he was a friend to - and loved by - many people. Musicians , business people, artists. One year I chatted with Blondie’s drummer and a guy who designs rides for theme parks. Most were people without kids or without family nearby to spend the day with.
The host was Jewish and came from a somewhat troubled family. So this was his holiday, spent with his friends. He loved to see everybody having a good time. He held this party annually for over 20 years.
Sadly, last year he committed suicide - it shocked everyone who knew him, and we still suspect an adverse reaction to medication may have triggered it. There’s a giant sized hole in the hearts of all who knew him. I feel honored to have been included in that circle if only for a few times.
Scout, the thought of Christmas without my children makes me want to vomit, so I totally understand where you are coming from. 3 out of the 4 are 'believers' and thanks to Covid and not being in person in school, I anticipate it will stay that way for this year. But I too feel the magic will only last so long and am so sad to have to lose even a moment of that stage.
But I also think that in some ways it may not be the hill to die on. DnJ is right in that plenty of families have to be creative on their Christmas 'timing' and really, in the end, the children benefit by the extra love and attention from multiple families. Cold comfort right now, for us both.
2x4? The thing about Christmas is that the whole family will have a strong opinion with their bias interfering. So it will be H's whole family against you as they know they will 'win' or 'lose' in this particular fight too. Do you really want to take that on for a few hours of Christmas morning magic? Do you really want MIL picking apart the parenting plan for details they could use as negotiating ammo for Christmas custody exchange?
However emotional you feel about this issue, your relationship with your X is essentially a business relationship. And what you are talking about is a negotiation (in this case, a parenting plan including holiday schedule).
If Christmas is a dealbreaker for you, then so be it. I get it, and the other posters who responded do too. It is the most difficult holiday and I've only been through one round of it so far. I'm not going to judge what you should or shouldn't do, although I think it's good to know what a court would order so you know what "default" you are working with.
Going back to the business analogy, it's hard to make agreements without offering something in return.
In the process of my D (still ongoing) I gave my X a few things she wanted. I didn't feel fair, I had to grit my teeth at times. I also got a few things that I really wanted.
I'm just curious if there is anything you could offer in return? Not necessarily something comparable.
Just reaching out to say I totally, totally get it. In fact, I'm still LIVING with my husband because I would rather slog through the difficulties of trying to make it work with him than lose out on any moments, Christmas morning being a biggie, with my children.
As Unchien says-- from a pure negotiation standpoint, what do you know about him that he would value that you would not, so much, that you could trade? And/or, do you think he's playing you this way, somewhat-- he knows how important this is to you, so is pushing here in order to get something else he wants?
Another thought... my H and I both live far away from our parents (who also live far away from each other). We always alternated between flying to my parents' and flying to his, and trying to coordinate schedules with our siblings and their respective in-laws too. One thing we always did was have Santa come Christmas morning no matter where we were, even if usually we'd open our own family presents to each other before we left so that we wouldn't have to pack all the presents on the plane.
One interesting thing is that my H's brother will normally have Santa come on the 23rd or 24th, before they leave their city to drive to his parents so that they don't have to pack Santa's gifts in the car. His kids didn't bat an eye. So, there is no reason that Santa can't come to your house on Christmas Eve morning so that you still get that special time with him. Blow it all up just like it is Christmas morning. S2 will get TWO Santa visits! (And I'm going to guarantee that the one at your place is going to be much more magical. I can't imagine knowing what I know of your ex that he's going to work too hard on finding the perfect stocking stuffers.)
The other thing I wanted to note is that as my kids have gotten older, the part where we open our own family presents to and from each other has become more and more special (just like I remember it myself growing up-- we always opened family gifts on Christmas Eve). They are just as excited, if not more so, to have people open the gifts they chose than to open their own presents. When they were younger I always thought that Christmas magic was wrapped up in the magic of Santa. And of course there is a big piece there. But there are so many elements-- decorating the tree, making gingerbread houses and cookies, vacation days, hot cocoa in special Christmas mugs, choosing and wrapping presents-- that I bet you can break down what elements are most meaningful for you and what family traditions you want to create with your son-- and you can make that magic for the season, even if you end up having to miss that one night.
(And, again. I GET IT. It makes me want to be physically violent right now that my H even made me need to THINK about this. I would just try to tease apart why this is so meaningful to you, what elements are the most important, and then figure out how to make those all happen for S2 and you whether on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day or a week before or after.)
((Scout))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Well. I am bawling my eyes out over it, but I just offered alternating days for the next three Christmases up until the parenting plan is reviewed. I knew it wasn’t fair, regardless of all the reasons behind it, and it wasn’t sitting well with me. I didn't have to offer it and I negotiated against myself, which might be foolish. Feels like I‘ve ripped my own heart out.
A solid stable parenting plan is not foolish. I know, big picture stuff, which aren’t the feelings you are wrapped in right now. (((Hug))) Yes, two hugs today. It’s a tough day.
I’m proud of you scout.
S2 will accept any arrangements. Kids are amazing that way. The magic of Santa will exist no matter what the day. I’m almost 53 and Santa is still magical to me.
Hold your head high girl. You are leading and living a fine example.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I second what DnJ said Scout. I think you did the right thing. I know Christmas is a big day but there are ways to make things work. In my situation, last year XH had the kids on Christmas Eve (a bigger deal in his family than in mine) and Christmas morning. He then delivered them to my house at around noon and me, my kids, my sister, my BIL and XH’s mother opened gifts and had Xmas dinner together. My kids loved this arrangement because in the past we always waited for my sister and her husband to arrive to open gifts in the morning and they hated having to wait. This way they didn’t have to. Do I wish I had them the whole time? Of course I do but I’m sure XH does too. Divorce [censored]. It brings about changes to routines and schedules that are not what we want but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. This year I have a boyfriend with two kids of his own and extended family that are used to a routine. I don’t think that is going to impact me too much this year but if we are still together next year, it probably will. I’m not going to worry about it. My kids and I will always have our Christmas together...it just won’t look like it did before and it may not always be on the 25th.
Honestly...the first Christmas was the worst. It was four months after BD and I was a mess. Every change in routine felt like a huge loss to me. I was just going through the motions. Last year was much better. I was still a bit sad that things were different but the sadness wasn’t constant and I enjoyed myself. I expect that this year will be even better.
You will get through this Scout. You will still make memories with your son. Maybe start some new traditions? For the years that you don’t have him, are there friends or family you could join for Christmas dinner? Or maybe you can volunteer at a dinner for the homeless or something like that? I think that would help.
You are going to be okay Scout. Don’t make it a bigger deal in your mind than it actually is. Right now it feels like a huge sacrifice because you are still adjusting to the new normal. Give it some time. It will get better. (((HUGS)))
24 hours later and no response. What the heck is with this guy? No acceptance or acknowledgement at all?
Unbeknownst to me, my stepdad responded to his text over the weekend. (X had sent him a message asking him to convince me to see reason). SD spoke from the heart about his experience as a LBS with a cheating wife. He said he never again woke up with his young daughters on Christmas Day after his divorce— ‘and I wasn’t even the one who left’. His advice to X was to make the most of the time he has and to respect the sacrifices I make as S2’s primary caregiver. X hasn’t responded to that either.
This is all so complicated. I cried a lot last night. But I feel at peace. By giving it away without being forced, I took away the last bit of power he had over me. I used to think I’d rather die than spend the day without S2. I remember seeing my future literally flash before my eyes the night X said ILYBINILWY. I got on my knees, grabbed his hand, and begged him not to separate me from my baby. My first thought was not for my marriage, but for my son. Christmas Day has been a talisman for me over the past 18 months. A tangible reminder that my family was not completely broken.
