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Originally Posted by scout12
Freedom! There is a conversation in May's thread about affairs saving marriages. X's affair saved me FROM my marriage. Lol.


I had to look up 'dark triad' and all I can say is that the above is so true for you!

Sounds like you are such a good mama, S2 sounds darling and well-adjusted. FWIW, my kids also don't ask about their dad or ask to call him when they are with me. It is very much an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation with them towards him. And he is trying to be a very invested Dad.

It goes to show that the investment we make with our kids does pay off. And in the end, we can only control our relationship with our kids; we have no control over their R with their Dad (assuming that we are neutral, kid-forward and not vilifying Dad to kids etc). In the absence of harmful behavior, abuse, etc, I am learning that it is best to let H navigate his own R with the kids. I can only navigate my own.

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I don't often have down days anymore but I'm in my feelings tonight.

Is it better to have had a family and lost it, or never had it to begin with? I've been raising this child on my own since he was 15 months old. But in reality I never had an equal partner from the day he was born. I feel horrified that his father has once again rejected him by ghosting this latest round of custody negotiations. I feel cheated out of sharing my son's childhood with his father. There will never been a family holiday, or Christmas, or birthday party. My son will never have a full sibling, and I'd be surprised if he has any siblings at all. I don't want to have a child with a different man, but I might have had another child with X. That choice was taken away. I know that me and S2 are a family together, yes. My family of origin are just down the road so we aren't isolated. But I see my younger stepsister and her husband and S1 at family events and I feel envious. X-SIL has her husband and two kids and I'm not allowed to be their aunty anymore. So many people have been hurt by the actions of one selfish man. He has never once looked back at the destruction he has caused. I know he svcks and I don't want him back. But to not even give his wife or son a backward glance? Did we mean that little? I know it's not about me or anything I've done (or not done), it's about him and his character. His complete nonchalance and minimisation of what he's done scares me. The betrayal of the affair is whatever, she can have him. But being abandoned so totally in an instant has rewritten the very cells in my body with lifelong trauma. Other spouses do waffle, try to come back, express confusion, or at the very least check in with the ex-spouse and children. Even though I no longer love him, being ghosted by my spouse has permanently altered the fabric of my soul. I don't even want to contemplate how my son will feel when he grows up. I've always been staunch on telling children the age-appropriate truth, but I'm starting to feel that I can never tell the truth to my son for fear of damaging his own soul. Falling in love with another woman is at least understandable. But how do you process the fact that your own father doesn't want you? The reality is that he'll internalise his father's abandonment without me having to explain anything at all. I will say that reading about DnJ's children gives me hope. Thank you DnJ.

Thank you for reading this Sunday night stream of consciousness.


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Scout ~

Processing the trauma of a D, especially a high-conflict D, takes a lot of time and I think it is a non-linear process. I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your feelings, but it is part of the process.

Your X has a narrative that drives his words and actions, and you will never understand that narrative.

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Yes, it's rotten. But don't fall into the trap of "horribilizing" either. S2 will have your stepsister's S1 to grow up with - and in some ways, cousin relationships can be close and less difficult than sibling relationships. You might end up with a man who has kids the same age and S2 will have siblings. not blood, but blood siblings are no guarantee of compatibility anyway. You could choose to have a second child if you wished to any number of ways. And there's nothing at all wrong with being an only child. You can surround yourself with "chosen family" who have kids the same age.

Yes, your ex's actions have a ripple effect. But you are also fortunate to have gotten out of this relationship with what you have, and to no longer be under his gaslighting spell. Your life is going to be so much better going forward without him.

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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
being abandoned so totally in an instant has rewritten the very cells in my body with lifelong trauma.
...
Even though I no longer love him, being ghosted by my spouse has permanently altered the fabric of my soul.

(((Hugs)))

I’ll tell you something, from a little further down the path.

Souls, and hearts, grow back.

We can and do heal and embrace our new reality. We live and love life again. And children do it much quicker and better than us stubborn adults.

I have no doubt that S2 (almost S3) is going to grow up just fine. How do I know? Look in the mirror. He has one great caring Mom.

It only takes one strong and stable parent. Don’t fret over the loss of the traditional family model. I lost plenty of sleep during my first months over my tore apart family. In reality, W/Mom left, a few friends left, and some relatives no longer reach out to us. That’s it. We are still a family. A strong family. It’s kind of inspiring living through this and knowing that.

Do not fear having age appropriate discussions and answering son’s questions. Feed his hungry mind. He needs answers and direction. And will find it elsewhere if not from you.

In the eyes of a child a parent is godlike, knows all, can ground them for eternity, can do anything, and loves them unconditionally.

Then around the teenager years, we must hit our head, for we become as dumb as a clump of dirt, apparently. smile

Then into the twenties we suddenly get smart again. smile Hooray!

And through it all, no matter how godlike or feet of clay we are, they know we love them.

And a lot of those answers and direction come from them watching how we live our lives, through all those years. Don’t ever sell the gal in the mirror short, she’s a pretty darn good example.

Yes XH is loosing out. S2 won’t. He will have awesome experiences with you. And by the way, you don’t need to try to fill in for absent Dad. I couldn’t be, and didn’t be, my kids’ Mom. Just upped my game a little. (Oh my, the birth control talk. Shudder. Lol)

You know, it’s a good thing to question and doubt all that stuff. That shows you recognize it, and you can then make a difference.

You got this!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Scout, I hope you are feeling better.

You are better off without X.
S is better off without X.
Life is better off without X.

Family, love, and support come in many ways. Blood relation is only the very minimal form of bond.

What's the point of being wanted by someone who you don't want?

and totally agree - DnJ's children give me hope as well.


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Hi Scout,

Oh, I know how you are feeling. I've been there too, so many times (though with a slightly different soundtrack). I think you should forgive yourself for feeling down about it. You are so strong and independent and I'm guessing it is hard for you to feel this way.

But.

Maybe the permanent altering of your soul is a good thing. It was horrifically traumatic and nothing you'd wish upon anyone. But through the process you've become stronger, so much stronger. You're trusting yourself, you have confidence and strength for years, you are the best mom I've ever seen. I know you aren't an Esther Perel fan and the commentary on my thread about affairs making a relationship stronger is all laughable. But what she says could be applicable to you if you substitute yourself for the relationship... she says she would no sooner recommend someone have an affair than she would recommend they get cancer.

But over and over, people emerge from trauma stronger than before, and in the end while they never would have chosen it, the growth and learning it engendered is a tremendous gift. Think of all you've learned about yourself and about human nature. The next relationship you choose to participate in will be healthy and the next partner you choose to spend time and energy on will be worthy. I know it, you know it. You'll never allow yourself to be gaslit again. Meanwhile, your X will keep toodling away at his sad and unfulfilling life, and my guess is over time you'll have many, many more times when you're thanking your stars to be Ded from him than times spent wondering what happened and why.

The scar will always be there. But you're stronger than you were before and so much better off without him dragging you down.


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Thank you, wonderful people. ((((unchien, kml, DnJ, wooba, may))))

You don’t know how much I truly needed to hear your words that day. Thank you.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit here that the reason for that pity party was likely hormonal. I track my cycle with an app, but had a much shorter one than usual and therefore no warning that anything was going on under the hood. Since going off the pill at the start of the year, I tend to experience a serious depressive episode during the last week of my cycle. Not every cycle, but at least 50% of the time. I’m considering going back on the pill to prevent these episodes as I do find myself contemplating the final solution, so to speak, during them. At least when I know it’s PMS, I can rationalise these illogical thoughts and power through with self-care. This time, I was spinning and spiralling for seemingly no reason, which made me feel even worse. I would never, ever do anything that would place such a terrible burden on S2. It’s more of a quiet desperation that leaves me feeling unable to cope and wishing for a measure of peace. I am safe.

The joys of being a woman!


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Good Morning scout

Feelings, regardless of cause, are real. And fleeting. As you can obviously attest.

Remaining on the pill is often not just for birth control reasons. There are tangible benefits for one’s emotional self. Depression is a tough road to walk. Even cyclic episodes are difficult to sometimes see beyond.

Originally Posted by scout12
I’m considering going back on the pill to prevent these episodes as I do find myself contemplating the final solution, so to speak, during them. At least when I know it’s PMS, I can rationalise these illogical thoughts and power through with self-care.

There is a hidden problem within that, one cannot rationalize well when gripped by irrational feelings.

Illogical thoughts are created and reinforced by irrational feelings. True in days you return to normal levels. However, you can lessen the hormonal pressure pretty simply, and that is good news for you. I believe you wise to consider resuming the pill and lessening the emotional swings.

Contemplations of the final solution are normal, and do need to be addressed. Depression leads to some desolate and desperate emotional landscapes. My own contemplations had a desperate measure of wanting to find peace.

I hope you do not think of this as mansplaining. I’ve got a plethora of feelings under the hood. Two, I think. Lol.

(((scout)))

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Thanks DnJ. You never fail to make me smile, or ponder, depending on the angle of your posts! This one achieved both.

Last week, I decided to make one final attempt to update the parenting plan. This is the email I sent:

Quote
Hi

I haven't heard anything further about modifying the parenting plan.

I am keen to get a new arrangement finalised so S2 can get comfortable staying overnight away from home. It took about six weeks for him to get settled without being upset at bedtime. Now that he is feeling safe and happy again, I'm planning to get him used to having sleepovers at my parents' home. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to start having fortnightly sleepovers at your house as well, so he can be prepared for weekly overnights by age 3. I am happy to share information about his bedtime routine so there can be consistency and familiarity for him.

FYI there was a parent-teacher night recently at daycare. I spoke to S2's teachers about your concerns of helicopter parenting. She assured me that S2 is a mature, sensitive, and confident little boy who is advanced in every area of development for his age and shows no signs of anxiety or unhealthy attachment. I hope this educated assessment alleviates your concerns.

Thanks


Haven't heard anything in response yet. If he continues to stonewall, I can either a) continue with the status quo which leaves me without a legally enforceable agreement; or b) book mediation as a prerequisite for filing parenting consent orders with the court. I'm not sure what to do.

It's funny, though-- sending this email made me lose the last bit of fear I had around losing time with S2. I've called X's bluff three times now by saying 'YES, TAKE HIM!' when he starts making demands. It's been nearly a year since the first time I agreed to an increase. And here we are with the same agreement we put in place in August 2019.


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