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I was going to write the same thing as Sage did. I have literal mountains of e-mails from my H criticizing my homemaking, parenting, cooking, etc. He even told the judge it was my fault that our place appraised lower than he thought because I didn't clean well. My son hasn't spoken to him in over a year, and he still doesn't think there is anything wrong with his parenting or approach to divorce. I was wondering why it was that you saw through the lies with everything else and not with this. In fact, I would push a little farther than Sage, because I am like you, my children are all to me, so I am self conscious about my parenting, esp since I definitely am not perfect! (Just wait til S2 is a teen!) But because of that I take it too personally before I get my head screwed back on. So I just want to push you to be strong and tough so that you also don't get confused when he is a bad parent. What you described about S2 from the last visit is extremely alarming, as is the "kidnapping." If anything worse happened, those things would be evidence, not something to shrug off. So I think you have to be razor sharp and crystal clear about your parenting so that you don't lose any confidence to protect S2 from his.

Here's a good metaphor to keep in your brain -- my H has literally done no parenting or providing in many years. He didn't even know where our kids were going to school, has no idea about who their doctor is, doesn't see or speak to my son (son refuses) and has moved four times to different states since Covid started, not seeing our D for months at a time. He thinks I am making up their disabilities, though my D has extremely obvious learning issues and the DoE in my city pays for a private school for my son because of his emotional troubles being so severe. H does not give me child support and is taking advantage of a court order delay to keep not paying it. He not only doesn't cover their housing costs but is trying to sell our house while we live in it, though I use the rentals below to pay the mortgage and will have to move out of the city if I have to sell. He is to my mind abusive to my daughter, commenting constantly on her appearance and her weight when he does see her and tying her in knots by criticizing me, etc. But when I filed my taxes recently, married filing singly because he was so furious that I filed jointly last year, i got a message from the IRS that I couldn't claim my children as dependents because someone else already did.

I had a court conference that week but I decided to stay silent, focus on my goal of settling the property and write to the IRS with all the proof needed to restore my deduction and take his away. I am going to let the IRS handle it, and boy oh boy will that be an ugly penalty for him.

So try to do that same thing with these accusations. You are a way better parent than I am, based on what you have said. Know your rights and obligations, document everything, and don't engage an irrational man who wants to destroy a good woman to assuage his own guilt.

And remember, I say that as a woman who does not regret standing for seven years. I believe in restoration. But until MLC ends, you have to be a she-wolf for your kids.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/22/20 01:12 PM.

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Originally Posted by scout12
Argghhhhh. This man will argue against himself if it means he wins against me.

Exactly. It supports his narrative. Don't take the bait.

Originally Posted by scout12
He also said that S2 has 'increasingly shown signs of helicopter parenting over the last twelve months'. Twelve months ago he was still a baby-- is he suggesting I should have been less attentive to his needs? I went straight to the daycare for evidence and they said S2 is one of the most independent, well-adjusted and well-behaved kids in their care.

It sounds to me like your H has a L in his ear.

Originally Posted by scout12
In the same paragraph as that helicopter parenting accusation, he denied the behavioural changes I raised, saying that S2 shows a preference for Dad (not that I've seen, but okay). So if S2 is that comfortable in his care, how is my parenting having a negative effect? Surely S2 would be anxious about leaving my presence if it were true?
See above.

The signs are there that your H is preparing legal groundwork in case you can't come to an agreement beforehand. Every man in his position will have the same advice of what to look for to support their argument.

Originally Posted by scout12
It's too easy to poke holes in his arguments.

You are assuming you are engaging with somebody using logic and reason. He is using emotional reasoning. No point engaging.

Originally Posted by scout12
For the record, I always encourage S2 to spend time and have fun with dad, to listen and obey his rules, to share his thoughts and feelings, and to remember he is safe. Anything less would sow seeds of insecurity and instability in S2's mind, and why the heck would I want to do that?

Not only is this important, I encourage you to document and journal that you do this (just facts). It will counter any legal argument he could potential make that you are not supporting his relationship with S2.

Originally Posted by scout12
On the plus side, we have agreement on all but two of the articles in the parenting plan. We've agreed on communication, holiday time, extracurriculars, medical, schooling. Just the weekly schedule and Christmas to go. I'm firm on the core arrangement for both, but flexible on the particulars. Will continue negotiating pleasantly on my part.
This is encouraging. Hopefully all the discord is saber-rattling on his part and you two can come to some sort of arrangement on the weekly schedule. That is the toughest one to close.

Your maturity all through this process is going to pay off for you and S2 in the long run.

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Hi Scout,

Just reinforcing the message from the others above, in terms of not taking his bait. I also, though, agree with Gerda and Unchien that this whole path of what is happening is not something to take lightly, both from a legal and a safety perspective.

Your H has shown zero ability or interest in being a parent all along. Some of the others here whose exes are being a-holes in the custody process (like Unchien's) at the very least has years under her belt of demonstrating how much she loves her kids. Maybe I'm being unkind or just not remembering, but I'm having a difficult time recalling a time reading about your ex being a good dad, really wanting to be a dad, loving your S unconditionally, having any inclination to subsume his own desires or priorities in the best interests of your S.

I absolutely agree that not engaging and arguing is important, but stating clearly your stance and documenting his injuries, skipped visits, etc is also important-- hopefully, possibly, it isn't needed. But just in case. I had a situation many years ago with a colleague who was a truly awful person (drank on the job, etc) and was sued at work by another colleague. Turned out she had kept very detailed (and completely false) journals but since no-one else had written down the dates/times of incidents, she basically got the case dismissed. I have always, always kept detailed memos on personnel issues following that situation. You've always been so good in underscoring that D is not a team sport, that it is the untangling of a business partnership. This is just the hardest part.

Finally, not to mindread, but the "helicopter parent" comment might also just be a reflection of his own insecurities given the injuries S2 sustained while with him-- I could imagine your ex feeling defensive about that and "helicopter parenting" is a reflexive pushback on that.

I am constantly amazed on how you're able to rise above, over and over.


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I think the fact that you agreed to him taking S2 for weeknight dinners and he came back with an excuse why he couldn't says it all. Probably dawned on him that if he took S2 you could go out on a dinner date! Just keep giving him little bits of rope and let him hang himself. And keep all the correspondence. The more things he turns down, the weaker his case for custody.

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Thanks everyone, your posts have been really encouraging.

Gerda - I've read through most of your old threads. There's a noticeable strength and, more importantly, humour in your current posts. You've really come back to life despite still being in the middle of a horrible situation. You should be proud of how far you've come.

Unchien - I am actually not certain that X has a lawyer. He didn't have one for the property settlement. When my L asked for his L's details, he refused to provide anything. His last response came back within two hours so I doubt it's being run through a lawyer. Doesn't mean he hasn't had legal advice, but I'm more thinking these statements are being fed by his family.

May - you're right about X never showing interest in being a parent. I posted before about a rare time when I went out for the night and came home to a sick infant screaming in his cot while X lay in bed with a pillow over his head to block the noise. So I'm not taking S2's safety and wellbeing lightly. If that gets me the label of helicopter parent, so be it.

kml - I've stopped dating for now. Not because I'm not ready, but I'd rather devote that time to myself. Being single is actually so wonderful. The thought of living with a man ever again is... not appealing! I'm getting a lot of tips from Female Dating Strategy about living my best life despite the moratorium on dating right now.

Soooo I've sent off a response to X just now. My palms are a bit sweaty imagining the kind of response I'll get in return. But I shall persevere and deal with it when it comes.

Sage's wording ended up being really helpful. I just said "Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any signs of helicopter parenting." Then went into the negotiations.

Is a journal or calendar sufficient for documentation? What about Divorce Busting threads? LOL.


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scout ~

I kept a journal with simple facts. Nothing too burdensome. Maybe 3-4 sentences per day, no feelings, just facts. I saved all texts and emails. And in my journal I bolded dates when particularly important things happened.

In your case, I would especially note the times you offer time with S2 that he turns down. Or examples of poor care (especially safety concerns).

Hopefully you never need it.

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Thanks for the tips, U. X hasn't replied yet and it's been a week-- posting about it worked last time, so let's see if he responds today after I post this.

X just picked up S2 in his track car. His hobby for the past ten years has been drifting, a sport where you slide a powerful, low, loud car around a race track and burn up your tyres in the process. Fun, but very expensive. I've seen cars blow up before. I'm shocked he managed to fit a car seat into the car-- it's not exactly built for comfort. Again, not exactly a dangerous or neglectful parenting choice, just something I'd consider inappropriate for a two-year old.

Last night I had a terrifying dream. I was staying over at X-ILs' house in a dark room. FIL was shouting, ranting, screaming in another room. He then went completely silent. I heard footsteps and my door was opened. Silence again until I felt my bedsheets being lifted and a large male presence sliding in beside me. Panicked, I tried to slip out of bed and run away. Then I woke up.

Two stories for context:

1) When I was 16, I moved out of home and billeted with a family in a major city so I could train for swimming. The parents were nice people who got blackout drunk every night. One night, they were drinking with a male friend who had come for dinner. I went to bed and woke up to loud voices right outside my bedroom door. The wife was arguing with the man. Both were drunk but the man extremely so. I can't remember what was said, but I stood with my hand on the doorknob holding the door shut for what felt like hours. Completely petrified. Then suddenly I heard a fist connecting with flesh. The wife started wailing for her husband. She opened my door and told me to run. I went to her daughter's room at the other end of the house and we huddled in bed together. I didn't sleep again that night and didn't make it to training the next morning at 5am. I was punished by the coach for not making it. The wife apologised to me the next day. She had a puffy black eye. I'm still not sure exactly what happened but I can make a guess that she caught him attempting to enter my room.

2) At Christmas one year, X and I travelled to his sister's place for lunch. We arrived to find his mother preparing a roast lamb in the kitchen and weeping. She told us flatly that FIL had 'one of his blowups' and walked out the door yelling that he wasn't coming back. I was shocked but X and his sister seemed nonchalant. It was a tense atmosphere with MIL on edge. About an hour later, FIL walked back in the door. Smiling, beaming, joking and jolly as if nothing had happened. There was no explanation and it was never even acknowledged. Everyone brushed it under the rug. MIL put on a brave face and went back to catering to FIL's every need and demand. It was bizarre to me but even more bizarre that it seemed normal to them.

Just wanted to journal a bit this morning. It's not really material to my situation other than to remind me how lucky I am to have escaped such a dysfunctional family and that I can break the cycle of abuse for my son.


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S2 is finally back to falling asleep without me having to sit in the room. What a relief. Bedtime for the last six weeks has been stressful and upsetting for both of us. He seems to have processed the 'kidnapping' (for lack of a better word) and has been happy to spend time with his dad during his regular daytime visits. So no lasting damage, I hope.

In some ways it's good that X has strung out the new custody agreement as it's given S2 a chance to settle. He still hasn't responded to my last email of almost two weeks ago. It's frustrating-- I've made it explicit that the increased time can start immediately while we work out future adjustments in the background. But still nothing.

I think he refuses to take the time offered so that he can simultaneously play the victim and dodge the parenting work required. Win-win for him, in his mind, but the only person losing is himself. He has now missed 32 potential weekly dinners and 8 potential overnights that I offered to start back in February.

Of course, S2 also loses out in this situation. I've definitely felt relief in the past that X hasn't tried harder to modify the agreement because I haven't wanted to lose time with my baby. But the older S2 gets and the more his cognitive and emotional abilities increase, the more concerned I feel about how his relationship with his dad is unfolding.

I suggested an arrangement in my last email that would make sure S2 sees him every four days. I also said if he didn't like that, we could be flexible and design an arrangement that suits him and is age-appropriate for S2. A combination of weekly overnights (after a transitional period), weekly dinners, and weekend time on X's schedule.

And still nothing. Not sure what else to do. It seems like he would rather completely forgo the time rather than make a compromise. It's like he has a pathological inability to 'lose'. To a selfish man, collaboration, cooperation, and compromise feels like defeat. What a sad way to live life.


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Quote
It seems like he would rather completely forgo the time rather than make a compromise. It's like he has a pathological inability to 'lose'.


Pathological is the operative word here. Also, as I predicted, once you offered him more time, he would decline to take it because, whoa, that would mean he has to do the WORK of parenting.

And honestly, although I know you are trying to foster a good relationship between your son and his father - the truth is, some dads are better off as minimal "Disney" dads. Seriously - what of any value is he going to learn from this guy as his father? I'd just document all the time that he has declined custody, and the fact that he doesn't want to take any weekends, for the courts. And unless S2 is begging to see daddy, just let it become the norm that "daddy" is just a sometime thing. Find some better male role models for S2 in his life as he grows up. (One young woman I know is raising her two sons pretty much by herself without much help from the two deadbest who fathered them, but her dad has stepped in as a great role model. My niece, as I have recounted before, had minimal visitation with her uninvolved biodad growing up but a great relationship with the stepfather who married my sister when the niece was 6. )

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I’ve actually asked myself that question many times. I doubt he’ll teach him anything of importance because he doesn’t value the things that are important— honesty, integrity, courage, fidelity, patience, sacrifice, gratitude etc. My stepdad is a wonderful and very present role model for S2 who spends time with him weekly. I’ve got some high quality male friends and partners of friends who see themselves as uncles, too.

X ditched both his visitations this week citing another pending COVID test and work commitments, but asked for a morning breakfast to make up for the missed time, which I had no reason to refuse.

Apparently S2 hasn’t seen OW in weeks. X took S2 to see his family on Sunday and OW didn’t go with them. He texted that he’d be late for pickup. I didn’t hear him knock when he arrived. So he stood there silently for ten minutes then texted in a snit to say he had been waiting. Why didn’t he just knock again?!

Still no response about changing the parenting plan. Going on three weeks of silence now.

Life is very good. We have only two active COVID cases in our state and have had zero new cases since July. So things are pretty well back to normal. S2 is doing toddler gymnastics and toddler karate every week which is fun.

I’ve finally got my bedroom all set up. It’s all new, from the bed frame to the mattress to the sheets to the bedside tables. There’s nothing in there that X has touched. Lots of potted green plants and inspirational artwork and a neutral charcoal, grey and oatmeal colour scheme. It’s very peaceful.

I’m thinking about putting my useless degree to work and writing a novel. It’s been ten years since graduating uni so my skills are pretty rusty. But a story idea is there.

It’s interesting how my mindset has shifted since all this happened. I find myself tending to a life that is very deliberate and meaningful. Down to the little things like buying the nice cheese at the store, and making sure the ice cube tray is stocked for a cold drink, and having avocados in the fruit bowl at all times. Just being present in the moment and grateful at all times. A humbling sense of peace and contentment.


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