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Finances are completely settled. That is a separate proceeding that can occur prior to the legal divorce.

I’m not obligated to consider any changes to the current custody arrangement. I could just sit back and wait for him to force a change. However, it’s a good look for me to proactively facilitate the father-son relationship by offering increased time. Of course if I felt S2 was truly in danger, I would shut down all visitation and apply for sole custody. It’s extremely difficult to get sole custody here without evidence of physical abuse.

Unfortunately it is a bit of a game. If S2 was a couple of years older, I’d just call X’s bluff and agree to the time he wants immediately. His request is not unreasonable for a five year old. There are many factors making it unsuitable at this point in time - S2’s age, his ability to cope with transitions, his attachment to primary caregiver, the lack of overnight care to date, the level of conflict between parents, and the behavioural changes since the ‘kidnapping’ proving the need for a gradual transition.

Of course it should always be about what is best for the child. I didn’t choose to be a part time parent as X did, yet I’ve never put my own needs and wants before S2’s right to a relationship with his father. I’m confident in what I’m proposing and my ability to negotiate. I’ve worked hard to provide security and stability for S2, often at the expense of my own wellbeing, and I’m confident that I can continue doing that despite what happens when he’s with X.

I’m dealing with a man who told me his needs were more important than those of his infant son. Does a man like that deserve to be called a father and enjoy the fruits of my labour as a mother? I certainly have my opinion, but it’s not relevant to a court unless there is a supporting case with evidence. The best way to build that case is to give him the rope required to hang himself while exercising caution for S2’s sake.


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scout12 Offline OP
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Do you know how many times X has called, emailed, or messaged me to talk about S2 since he left? Zero. He has never asked to call or video chat with him. Never enquired how he is going with toilet training or whether he still takes a nap during the day or if he is still attending the extracurricular activities we did when we were together. Never followed up on information I provide about his health or any illness. Never once asked me for any information that could support S2 when he has him. Never asked about a care plan when daycare and work and everything shut down due to Covid. Nothing. Never. He does not care. When I offered information and attempted to coparent and collaborate on S2’s care, I was accused of being controlling and manipulative and keeping tabs on him. Yet now he is angry that I don’t talk to him about S2? I refuse to do the job of a wife when he fired me from that role. I share the information I am legally required to provide about S2’s health and well-being and that is all. I’m not sure where this rant is coming from but here it is.


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It's just further proof that his real interest is not in having S2 for more time, but in pushing your buttons by using it as something to fight over.

The good news is, he will probably fade away into an occasional Disney dad, and although normally that would be sad for your son, in this case it is likely for the best.

My sister's husband left her for an affair partner when their daughter was 2 (this affair started while my sister was away with her 2 year old caring for his dying mother - a woman who had always been AWFUL to my sister but my sister is a saint and there was no one else to do it). He's really an actual sociopath and was a terrible father to my niece - didn't attend her basketball games or band performances, spent little actual time interacting with her on sparse his visitation etc.

However - my sister remarried to a guy who was a GREAT stepfather to my niece. He went to all her games, totally supported her in her endeavors etc.

Now my niece is 30, an ICU nurse. She refers to her biological father as "the sperm donor" and has little to do with him. Her stepdad died unexpectedly a year ago this week and her posts about him are very moving. She had a real dad, he just wasn't her biological one. And she's been better off that her bio dad was a sparse presence in her life since he really is pathological.

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Scout, sorry I was not following the details of your sitch. I thought you were trying to avoid or couldn't afford lawyers and court and didn't know you had finances done. That is awesome! So amazing!

In that case I don't know why you are trying to push anything forward. If he is asking for very little access, I would not push it at all! The status quo will probably prevail in that case.

I used to try to ensure my kids had their dad in their lives. Now I see it differently. My son was suicidal, shoplifting, school refuser til I finally paid his dad to move out. Slowly but surely, he got better and better. He hasn't seen his dad in over a year and is really growing into adulthood, taking school more seriously, earning his own money, has happiness and hope, no more depression, much less rage, helping me more, etc. Meanwhile, his sister sees her dad (whenever he is not moving from state to state) and talks to him a lot, a lot of middleschoolesque texting all day, a lot of him criticizing me and vaping and drinking in front of her, other woman talk or present, etc., and my daughter is a MESS. She used to be my easy child, a little angel. Now she is always confused and anxious and lashing out and unfocused with school, fighting me to wear sexy clothes at age 10/11 and has even been cursing, hitting her brother, etc. I think she is depressed and she is definitely self medicating with food. Some of that is tween stuff I know, but the degree is very intense and a huge change for her that coincided with H suddenly taking an interest in her last year.

You don't want to be seen as standing in the way of H seeing S, I agree, but I don't think you need to push it either.


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I feel like I had an epiphany this week. It had to happen authentically and I couldn’t have reached this point any sooner. It’s weird but I just... suddenly stopped caring about how we got here. The affair, the lies, the abandonment, none of that matters. There are consequences for the way it happened, but I can’t let it can’t affect the way I shape my life or S2’s life.

Writing up this response about the custody arrangement has made me realise that parallel parenting is unsustainable long term. It was necessary for a while to protect myself from the emotional abuse. But if S2 is going to have peace and security in his life, I need to work towards some level of coparenting— with some ROCK SOLID boundaries in place.

X wrote things into the agreement that concerned me. Things that would be divisive and cultivate secrecy and discourage communication, not just between me and X but between S2 and his parents. I don’t agree with them and don’t want them enshrined in a legal document. I can’t control what he does but I can grease the wheels.

I want S2 to feel comfortable sharing his experiences with both of us. I want us both to have the option of attending his extracurricular and social activities. I want to ensure S2 feels safe and comfortable around his stepparents. I want to make provisions for switching days and times for special occasions. So I’ve adjusted the agreement to reflect this.

Doesn’t mean I want to be friends or even friendly with X. I’m half expecting his response to be more anger and spew that I’m trying to ingratiate myself into his life. To someone like X, collaboration and consideration feels like control. That’s never going to change. Thankfully, his opinion of me doesn’t matter in the slightest.

Just a side note: another BD memory that came up. X said that he had always been bothered by something I said throughout the years: that I never felt like I was good enough for him. I did say that sometimes because that’s how he made me feel. He brought it up one last time and asked me “why didn’t you ever try harder to be good enough?”

I was speechless at that.


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Wow. He gaslights you’re into thinking you’re not good enough, then asks you why you didn’t try harder to be good enough? That says it all right there. He’s definitely got some dark triad stuff going on. And you still had some damage from that abusive coach.

I hope you realize now that you’re plenty good enough for anybody. And be extra careful to avoid repeating that dynamic in your dating life.

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scout ~ I can't believe he said that! kml has it right on with the gaslighting.

There are a few moments in my sitch in the past year that floor me in the same way. I am grateful that they happen because they are touchstones to remind me why things have to be the way they are.

I also worry a lot about parallel parenting vs. co-parenting and the impact to my kids. I am on almost exactly the same timeline as you, with a similar amount of discord (but not the same details). I badly wish we could co-parent, but it's going to take time. Just a month ago, my X was making outrageous allegations in an attempt to withhold our children from me. So it's going to take some time. I'll never forgive her, but I'm not going to entrench myself with resentment for the rest of my life at the expense of my kids' emotional and mental well-being. It sounds like you are in a similar place.

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to co-parent is just as hopeless as my previous hope to R. Wishful thinking.

But... I will leave the door open. Multiple experts have told me it will likely take a minimum of 12-18 months for some of the discord to subside before we can really start working together. I would be surprised, the way my X behaves, if it will be that soon. I'm open-minded, but I think it's unlikely that we can co-parent effectively in the very short term. I'm guessing it will take you two some time as well.

As part of our parenting agreement, we are supposed to go to co-parenting counseling soon. I'm skeptical that we will make progress given her current mindset (she made absolutely false claims in our last court session, which the experts saw through). I suspect she will try to convince the counselor of her narrative. We also tried co-parenting last year for months, where she blamed every challenge our kids faced on me (rather than the effect of the S, or just normal development). Just throwing out that you might want to consider adding a stipulation in your parenting agreement that you will attend co-parenting counseling together -- I just don't know what timeline.

Anyways, my approach is to have an open mind and open heart. If she comes around and starts taking steps to work together, I am willing, for the sake of my kids. They deserve to have 2 parents working together, and I will own my responsibility to work towards that. It sounds like you have the same mindset.

One thing I did last year that was really fantastic was to take a co-parenting class (by myself, which is how people usually do it). So many of the ideas meshed with DB principles. And the class discussions from real people going through the same process were really enlightening.


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scout12 Offline OP
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Argghhhhh. This man will argue against himself if it means he wins against me. For example, he wanted dinner once a week with S2. I agreed and offered extended time to allow for dinner, bathtime and travel home. He wrote back saying no, it's too late for a toddler to be out at night. At 7:30pm. S2's bedtime is 8pm, but okay.

He also said that S2 has 'increasingly shown signs of helicopter parenting over the last twelve months'. Twelve months ago he was still a baby-- is he suggesting I should have been less attentive to his needs? I went straight to the daycare for evidence and they said S2 is one of the most independent, well-adjusted and well-behaved kids in their care.

I look at S2 in comparison to the children of my friends and he is advanced in nearly every aspect, but his social skills are particularly impressive. He is incredibly verbal for his age, his grasp of manners and etiquette is amazing (because I enforce it), he addresses his peers and adults confidently and clearly, he is able to articulate his feelings and needs.

In the same paragraph as that helicopter parenting accusation, he denied the behavioural changes I raised, saying that S2 shows a preference for Dad (not that I've seen, but okay). So if S2 is that comfortable in his care, how is my parenting having a negative effect? Surely S2 would be anxious about leaving my presence if it were true?

It's too easy to poke holes in his arguments. For the record, I always encourage S2 to spend time and have fun with dad, to listen and obey his rules, to share his thoughts and feelings, and to remember he is safe. Anything less would sow seeds of insecurity and instability in S2's mind, and why the heck would I want to do that?

On the plus side, we have agreement on all but two of the articles in the parenting plan. We've agreed on communication, holiday time, extracurriculars, medical, schooling. Just the weekly schedule and Christmas to go. I'm firm on the core arrangement for both, but flexible on the particulars. Will continue negotiating pleasantly on my part.


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Scout, you are doing great.

Can I share a gentle 2x4? You are so incredibly good at not taking any of STBX's bait in all departments, except where it comes to S2. He has lost ALL power over you in every other department. Don't ruminate for a minute about your excellent parenting just because STBX provokes. It's the last marionette-line he has on you. Snip it, girl.

Everything you have written about your parenting style, your approach to challenging situations and the way you communicate with S tells me you are a stellar mama. Backed up by your daycare. Your S's manners, advance verbal capacity and emotional intelligence is because of YOU.

You have 16 years of co-parenting ahead of you. Don't train STBX that you will take any of his shite when it comes to his interpretation of your excellent parenting. A simple 'thank you, I will keep an eye out for that' should suffice in 99% of your interactions with STBX.

Also, I question STBX's comment about the helicopter parenting. That observation seems highly articulate for a parent whom you could still count time spent with S in hours over the past 12 months. You have to be a very invested parent (reading articles and books, understanding deep parenting issues) to be able to throw that accusation. It sounds like a seed someone else would plant in his head (MIL comes to mind). Ignore it and move on.

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Keep it coming, Sage! S2 really is my final trigger. You just convinced me to delete 1/2 my email responding to those claims. As logical and reasoned as my response was, it is not necessary to validate foolishness. Thanks smile


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